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Resolving Inner (Parts) Conflicts

        "Thinking" can be viewed as various subselves expressing themselves ("talking") to each other. The ceaseless inner dialogs, arguments, and screaming matches going on in kids' and adults' heads is Indisputable evidence that personality subselves' exist. Do you have these inner communications? For example, you think...

"I should go visit my brother in the hospital now!"

Another voice (subself) quickly says... 

"But I need to cut the lawn, balance my check-book, and I really want to watch the playoffs on TV. I don’t have time today. Go see him later. He won’t really mind." 

Perhaps a third voice (subself) joins in: 

"You spineless, selfish wimp. Never can make your mind up, can you? Always thinking of yourself first. It’s a wonder your brother even speaks to you. He’s in pain, and you want to watch TV. You’re a real scumbag, pal."

        Sound familiar? When’s the last time you had an inner conflict like that? How often does that happen within you? When it does, how do you feel? Is there a pattern to the voices? Which voice (subself) usually prevails? Can you imagine finding a way to successfully mediate these hassles? To prevent them?

        If allowed to, your talented true Self can do so every time. Notice your first reaction (thoughts) to that idea. Does your Skeptic pipe up? What would your life be like if you could resolve many or most of these inner disputes effectively?

        Psychologist John Rowan summarizes common types of inner conflicts. See if you relate...

loving others vs. loving our self;

wanting change, vs. wanting the safety of no-change;

being practical, vs. serving high ideals;

being free and independent, vs. being close, intimate, and committed;

being reasoned, thoughtful and "sensible" vs. being impulsive, playful, and spontaneous;

being honest, vs. being safe;

Can you add to this list?

Internal Problem Solving

        Recall a time you and another person reached an acceptable compromise to a dispute together. How did you do that? Here’s an overview of the way Self-led compromise can work with battling subselves. If you know someone who is adept at mediating conflicted people, keep them in mind as a role model and mentor. Review how they behave, starting with their attitudes.

• Authorize yourself (your Self) to take enough time to mediate, and find an undistracted place to do so.

• Remind yourself that...

  • needs are emotional, physical, and spiritual discomforts; and...

  • "problems" and "conflicts" are unmet and clashing needs, and...

  • surface needs are usually symptoms of underlying primary needs, - so...

  • "problem-solving" is seeking to fill everyone's primary needs well enough for now. 

• Adopt the attitude that each of your subselves has equal dignity and legitimate needs, no matter how "unfair" or "wrong," and deserves respectful attention. Recall: you have no intrinsically "bad" parts. They each want to protect you in some way.

• Trust your (unblended) Self to find a workable compromise to any inner hassle, given time and opportunity.

• Check to see that your Self is currently free to lead. If not, try the unblending technique. As you do, be alert for a protective, distrustful Blocker, Numb-er, Saboteur, and/or a Scared Child.

• Identify and sort out the conflicted subselves. Tell them you (your Self) are there to help each of them get what they need safely, without taking sides. If things are too heated, ask the disputants to separate for now, and work with them one at a time.

        Ask each subself what s/he needs, specifically - and listen! Repeat back concisely, without judgment or comment, what you hear. Like people, excited, frustrated subselves will start to calm down when they feel someone accepts and respects them, and wants to hear them non-judgmentally.

        Be alert for your subselves' primary needs "beneath" their stated (surface) needs.  Discern primary needs by asking something like "What do you feel will happen if you don’t get (the surface need) filled right now?" The Pleaser subself above might say...

         "Well, that’s obvious. If you don’t go see your brother, people will think you’re selfish and insensitive - specially Jackie. If you’re ever in the hospital, they won’t come to see you, and you’d be all alone. I don’t want that to happen." 

        A Nurterer part might say "You’d really feel good going to see him. You know how much it would mean to him. And you really do care about your brother..."

        Another (Achiever and/or Worrier) voice might add anxiously "But I’m afraid if you don’t cut the grass this afternoon it’ll get out of hand and take three times as long, later. And you know what happens when you put off balancing the checkbook - checks start to bounce, and you get in BIG trouble. So get going!"

        A fourth voice might belonging to a teenaged inner Competitor: "But you're always busy! C’mon - relax and have a little fun for a change. Watch the game! Ned’ll understand..."

• Let your Self creatively seek a win-win compromise among all subselves involved after they've calmed down and described their concerns (needs). Here that might sound like:

"OK, how ‘bout this: The checkbook should only take about 10-15", so we’ll do that now. Then I’ll go to the hospital for an hour or two. Maybe Ned and I can watch the game together there. I’ll get back here by four-ish, and at least get the front lawn mowed. I’ll do the back yard tomorrow after work, if I have to. Can you all live with that?"

        As your subselves experience the ability of your Self to learn and accept their current primary needs, and calmly balance them fairly with other parts’ needs, their trust in your Self's leadership will rise. And as a bonus, as you develop this inner conflict-resolution process, you’ll probably find yourself mediating conflicts with people around you in the same effective win-win way.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect. Do you think these steps will work for you? Are you willing to try them out? If not, who (inside) is reluctant? What might get in your way?

Inner-conflict Resolution Tips

        Typical inner battles aren’t as neat as the example above. Here are a few guidelines to help your Self mediate successfully:

Stay focused on the current conflict. Avoid getting snarled in other current or past disputes. One problem at a time!

Stay clear on what aspects of the current situation you can impact or control and which you can’t. If a subself fears global warming will kill you soon, compassionately acknowledge (a) that fear and the underlying wish to protect you; and that (b) there’s really nothing you can do about that, so you choose to worry about other current things you can affect.

Watch for a Catastrophizer subself creating exaggerated or future (vs. current) threats, and/or an artful Distracter. Stay focused on the present situation.

Avoid assuming past experiences are always valid guides for the present and future. You’ve never done parts work before, so inner (and outer) results may be different...

Avoid the black-and-white thinking that a diligent Controller subself may promote ("Do it! / Don’t!"). There are usually several possible good-enough solutions to a conflict, not just two.

If one or more conflicted subselves are Inner Kids who can’t understand or need to ignore realistic practicalities, consider having a nurturing or companion part stay with them for reassurance while you negotiate a win-win compromise. Your young parts need your Self to be a compassionate leader, not a buddy. They’ll usually feel better knowing someone’s in charge of setting and following (enforcing) safe limits.

Consider agreeing on a signal that anxious or distrusting subselves can use to get your Self’s (or a delegate’s) attention along the way. Examples: a facial tic or muscle twinge, a stiff neck, a tingling, a flush, a yawn, or other non-painful bodily reflex. Your subselves can communicate via (some) muscles and nerves!

When your Inner Kids are scared of an impending event, consider inviting them to "go play," or "stay home in your safe place" while your older, wiser subselves handle the real-world situation. Help Vulnerables trust without guilt that they don’t have to handle outer (or inner) conflicts as you may have had to do as a real child. Their important job is to be curious, contribute their priceless energies and gifts, and to experience and learn, over time.

Learn the special strengths and abilities that each subself brings you - and use them! Delegate appropriate aspects of a current conflict solution to personality-parts with suitable skills and abilities, rather than feeling your Self has to "do it all." See "teamwork" below...

        As you experiment with this inner-resolution concept, develop what works. Aim for "good enough" compromises, and meeting each part’s primary needs well-enough for now. Acknowledge your hard-working Perfectionist affectionately - and don't feel obliged to use her or his standards!

        Pause, stretch, and let go of these details. We just reviewed a practical framework for acknowledging conflicts among your subselves and finding win-win compromises with your Self as a skilled mediator. Do you feel you can make this scheme reduce stressful inner conflicts? You won't really know until you try it several times!

        Before continuing with more basic parts work techniques, do you need a stretch break? The next technique is powerful and vital...

Reassigning Subselves to New Roles

        A middle-aged client I’ll call Debbie discovered to her discomfort that several of her subselves caused intense feelings of insecurity and overt jealousy in her primary relationships. Even when her partner was consistently trustworthy, this part doubted and accused him of deceit. This corroded the relationship, promoting the very thing the Doubter feared. This pattern had happened with several men over some years, and Debbie felt frustrated and helpless to change it.

        One key element of the pattern turned out to be very young Inner Kids who carried Debbie’s deep shame and abandonment fear. Over time, Debbie rescued "Gretchen" (her shamed One), and put her in the loving care of her Inner Nurturer ("Good Mom") and a tender Golden Angel part. As some healing months went by, Gretchen began to feel better about herself. As this happened, the Guardian who had brought the feelings of jealousy interfered.

        Patient parts work disclosed that "Miss Jealousy" was really frightened that as Gretchen improved, she (the Guardian) was out of a job, and would be discarded or forgotten.

        Learning this, Debbie’s Self called a council meeting. She appreciated the years of service that Miss Jealousy had put in protecting Gretchen, and affirmed Gretchen’s healing progress. Debbie asked her team for suggestions as to how Miss Jealousy’s energy could be redeployed. Some discussion evolved the consensus that the team needed someone to take charge of remembering important commitments.

        Miss Jealousy felt that was an important role, and enthusiastically agreed to shift her focus from protecting Gretchen to acting as a staff consultant in charge of "responsible follow-throughs." Gretchen and Debbie’s other subselves all felt comfortable-enough with - and even excited about - this role change.

        Some weeks later, Debbie reported that her feelings of relationship anxiety seemed less (not gone). She said that her partner had noticed, and was "relieved."

        This story illustrates how subselves can shift their inner-family "job" (role), and re-deploy their talents and energies to help all members prosper in the present. this can happen in one parts session, or may take longer. Reassigning is usually useful with Guardians whose related Inner Kids are rescued and become secure and contented in the present. It also helps with Inner Kids and even Regular subselves who no longer need to act protectively because of successful parts’ integration and team-building.

        My Inner Family Systems (IFS) mentor Dick Schwartz said his decade of experience taught him that most Guardians were weary of their endless protective responsibilities, and despaired of ever putting them down. When Guardian subselves come to trust that the young parts they’re protecting really are safe enough, they’re often relieved and enthusiastic about using their talents in another way. My parts-work experience with clients since 1992 has consistently validated this.

The overarching target here is to selectively rebalance the roles of each talented subself of your inner team to promote group co-operation, harmony, wholistic health, and personal serenity.

        A vital technique for raising inner harmony is learning to...

Accept and Include Your Disowned Parts

        Most (all?) of us have a few traits (subselves) we’ve grown to fear, dislike, and feel ashamed of. A natural reaction is to deny, repress, scorn, or "banish" such parts, and/or judge them as "bad," "awful," "negative," or "disgusting" - as in "I hate my Procrastinator! Lay author David L. Weiner published an earnest book in 2000, proposing how to "Battle Your Inner Dummy" (reactive false self). He didn't know what you're reading here.

        In their useful book "Embracing Each Other," veteran psychologists Hal and Sidra Winkleman Stone suggest such disowned parts inevitably cause powerful reactions in some of our relationships. The Stones feel that the people we’re most intensely repelled by and attracted to display traits (parts) similar to those we’re trying to disown ("opposites attract"). Such intense reactions often cause stressful or hurtful relationship dynamics.

        I agree with the Stones’ proposal that learning to accept and even welcome our "awful" subselves  into our inner team promotes wholistic health and harmony. Doing this reunites some of our energies, which have previously been split off. It takes constant life-energy to repress and deny a subself. Recovery mentor John Bradshaw likens this effort to trying to swim while holding one or more large beachballs under water. Accepting disowned subselves as part of your inner clan can free vital energy for filling other needs.

        A key corollary is that accepting such parts does not mean allowing them to strongly influence your decisions!

        Here are some options for reclaiming your valuable disowned subselves:

Identify Rejected Subselves

        Accept the reality that you (may) have such rejected parts, and can learn to genuinely welcome them into your inner team. If you experience strong resistance to this idea, identify and learn about the Guardian part/s that "resist." Negotiate with them to at least allow you to explore and see what happens;

        Review the people in your life you’ve had extreme feelings about - particularly fear, scorn, revulsion, disgust, dislike, and rage. See if there’s a common pattern to the qualities in those people that you react very strongly to.

        For example, most of us are put off by habitual liars, and people who are insincere and phony, egotistical and selfish, chronically insensitive, or stubbornly never admit mistakes (ring any bells?). If you have a particularly strong judgmental reaction to such traits in such people, you may have a part carrying that trait in your self that you don’t want to acknowledge.

        For each such trait you identify: go inside, and invite the part that carries that characteristic in you to identify itself in some way. If "nothing happens," check to see if a Blocker or Saboteur doesn't trust this process and is trying to hinder it. If not, convene your subselves and ask them if they know of any hidden part who carries the target quality.

        If they don't, then focus on your part/s who hold the strong feelings of disgust, disdain, or revulsion. Ask them where they learned to have such intense reactions, and why they have them. See if this leads to recalling a traumatic time when you - or someone or some thing you prized (like a pet) - were greatly hurt or scared somehow by a person with the target quality.

        If so, explore to see if you have an Inner Child related to that incident and is living in the past. If you do, stay alert that the Guardian with the strong "negative" feeling may be protecting that young one  against another (feared) part of you who hasn’t "come out" yet. Explore this patiently and gently over time.

        For instance: one of my clients was abandoned by his mother, and severely shamed and neglected by her mother (his grandmother), with whom he lived as a child. He developed an intense dislike for, and rage at, "women who avoid commitment and responsibility."

        By middle age, he had never married or conceived a child - and often felt sad, angry, and lonely. With persistent, courageous inner work, he discovered a hidden (adolescent) part of himself who fiercely didn’t want him to commit to anyone, for fear of agonizing re-abandonment. My client’s inner Critic was furious at this subself (i.e. frightened and deeply ashamed of it), and worked ceaselessly to "keep it down and out."

Including Your Disowned Parts

        If you locate a rejected part of your personality, what can you do?

Refresh your attitude: try out the belief that any subself can, with respectful encouragement over time, shift it’s energy to new goals. Every subself is a potential asset, like a unique player on a championship athletic team!

As with any new part, meet and learn about your Disowned One. With time, develop a trusting relationship between it, your Self, and other subselves;

Identify each other subself that wants to reject the disowned one/s. Learn why they do without judgment, acknowledge their specific fears, and work patiently to reduce them over time.

        Reassure any anxious or distrusting inner members that you’ll see to it that this new part won’t "take us over" or "get out of hand." Ask them to trust you (your Self), and then follow up. Take small, respectful steps, and safe-enough risks. Use listening, assertion, and problem-solving skills.

Evaluate compassionately whether the part is living in the past without knowing it. If so, rescue it safely when the time seems right.

Pay attention to the label or name you and other parts use to identify the disowned one. If their current name or title is derogatory, pick a more respectful or neutral label that fits. For example, if at first your disowned part is dubbed "the Slut" or "my Idiot," see if a name without negative associations would feel OK - like "Willow" or "Tex."

Work with the disowned part and your inner crew to see if job retraining is feasible. If so, go to it! Recall: all parts mean well - and may be misinformed, frightened, or living distorted lives in a vanished traumatic time. All your subselves bring you energy and unique gifts. With steady appreciation, acceptance, and patience, any of them can be re-motivated and redirected in healthier, more productive ways.

If for some reason retraining isn’t feasible now, remind everyone that the disowned one is only one part - not all of you. If you identify and reclaim a selfish, dishonest, or voyeuristic part, note that they alone don’t determine who You "are" as a whole person.

Include your reclaimed subself in all inner-family councils and relevant decision-makings. Invite and consider their input - once integrated, they can contribute surprising things!

        For perspective, think about your best friends. Do they each have some less-than-thrilling qualities? You probably still accept and value them for the greater good they bring you. You can do the same with any disowned parts, and prize your inner family as much as your do your best friend - warts and all.

Building Inner-family Trust and Teamwork

        The overall aim of parts work is to increase your inner harmony, wholistic health, and personal productivity over time. These "happen" naturally, as you build respect, safety, and esteem among your subselves; resolve their conflicts, fears, and distrusts; and enlist them together in pursuing your major life goals. Does this seem reasonable? Possible? (If not, who’s "speaking"?)

        Building your inner crew into a truly effective team is an art and an achievable skill. What are the keys? Use this summary as a checklist to identify and affirm your current inner-family strengths, and areas to improve:

_ 1)  each team member knows all the other members, and is living solidly in the present;

_ 2)  all subselves maintain a clear vision of, and genuinely desire, common goals;

_ 3)  each subself stays clear on their own and others’ skills, team roles, and responsibilities. Boundaries between them and between the team and the "outside world" are consistently clear enough to all;

_ 4)  each Inner Child, Guardian, and Regular subself feels steadily recognized, respected, trusted, and valued "enough" by all other subselves and themselves;

_ 5)  each personality part is clear enough on, and willingly abides by (or proposes constructive changes to), the team’s key rules;

_ 6)  all subselves communicate and problem-solve effectively with each other;

_ 7)  each subself steadily (a) respects the true Self and other Regulars, and trusts them to consistently...

• provide clear focus, vision, goals and explanations; guidance; believable optimism; and steady inspiration and encouragements;

• resolve major conflicts, and adapt creatively to unexpected life conditions;

• recognize achievements, and forgive mistakes;

• get effective help and protection when needed;

• delegate responsibilities wisely and fairly;

• set and adjust paces, balances, boundaries and limits, when needed; and...

• stay fully committed to the team, the job, and the objectives, no matter what.

_ 8)  each subself stays clear on their group’s purpose and identity, and feels appropriate satisfaction and pride in belonging.

        Reflect and edit this list to fit your experience and beliefs. Does your list fairly characterize the "ideal" team you thought of before? Does it describe your present real (outer) family? The family you grew up in? The schools and church/es you went to? Your work situation?

        Notice with interest where your thoughts go now, and how you feel. Does this checklist honestly describe your inner team now? If not (yet) - can you envision all your subselves closely fitting this list "sometime"? What would have to happen? Who’s responsible to see that it does? (I propose: your unhindered Self). What if your inner family never becomes a truly effective team?

        What if it does?

        If these inner-family teamwork traits seem attractive, what priority do you assign to achieving them? What do you typically do each day instead of working towards these personal objectives? By the way: which part of you is setting your daily priorities and goals, these days?

        As a natural leader, your true Self is skilled at guiding the communications among your subselves  into effective discussions and problem-solving. S/He can also improve this skill, and teach it to other subselves. Doing so is a key to successful inner teambuilding, for many parts were never taught to communicate effectively. Evidence: our times of inner confusion and chaos. I suspect you've experienced what happens when two or more internally-chaotic people try to problem-solve...

        See Dr. M. Scott Peck’s book The Different Drum for thought-provoking stories and ideas on the process of building a truly harmonious group. Though his book focuses on groups of people, I feel that most of his ideas apply to inner communities, too. See what you think.

        Pause and reflect - how do you feel about committing to develop teamwork and harmony among your talented subselves over time? Option - try it to see what you experience...

Continue reviewing basic parts-work techniques with "Using Inner Councils" Do you need a break first?

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Updated  August 25, 2008