This article describes and illustrates three common types of
interpersonal
that erupt over many topics -
and
and associated
relationship
The
article uses typical co-parent disagreements over child behavior
and discipline to illustrate these interactive conflicts in a
family setting. they also occur in all other social settings. Linked articles
offer more perspective and practical resolution options for each
stressor.
To prepare, pause and see if you can define a "values conflict," a
"loyalty conflict," and a "relationship triangle" out loud now.
Most
well-educated people
seem unaware of or hazy on these three universal relationship stressors.
Perspective
Many of my hundreds of
and
clients and students have
described major family and marital stress over troubled, rebellious,
or disrespectful kids, and child discipline (among other things). Intact biological families
struggle with the same issues, but they're usually less complex than
those after parents separate, divorce, re/marry, and/or cohabit with a new
partner.
The details of these family disputes are always unique,
yet they all are symptoms of
one or more stressful values and loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles
among
and family members. In my experience, typical
family adults like you are unaware of...
-
these three stressors, and/or can't
define them clearly;
-
how to identify them,
-
what causes
them, and...
-
how to avoid and resolve each stressor effectively.
Does that
describe you and your other family adults?
This
article explores the first three of these. Linked articles provide perspective and practical resolution options for each
stressor. To get the
most from this article, follow the links in the box
above before you continue.
Premises
The illustration below is based on several core beliefs. If you disagree
with any of these premises. say out loud what you do believe.
Reflect: how
would each other adult in your family feel about each of these ideas?
-
In any home with minor kids,
adults need
to provide child discipline (setting behavioral
and
consequences) to preserve order, protect property, and
teach kids self control, behavioral consequences, and social values.
(Agree Disagree Not sure)
-
"Child discipline" involves adults
forming...
-
rules (shoulds, ought to's,
have to's, musts, cannots) that define
un/acceptable behavior;
-
respectful
consequences when
kids test or break the rules, and...
-
discussing and
the
rules and consequences with the kids in many situations.
(A D ?)
-
Individual co-parents usually differ
(conflict) a
little or a lot on these three factors, depending on their
childhoods, personalities, and life experiences. (A D
?)
-
Adults have different
styles of discipline, ranging between rigid, harsh, blunt, and
dictatorial to democratic, flexible, permissive, and empathic. (A D
?) To become more
aware of someone's style, use this
worksheet.
-
Child discipline varies between "very
ineffective" to "very effective." Adults differ
significantly on what constitutes "effective
child discipline." (A D ?)
-
Normal kids
need to "test" the rules and consequences
in their home, family, and elsewhere, to learn...
-
how much power they have, and who - if
anyone - is in charge;
-
how safe they
are, and...
-
to gain more freedom to do what they want. Some kids
also test because...
-
challenging and "beating" adults can be exciting
and fun! (A D ?)
-
Typical
family adults also differ in their
and values
about child-nurturing and discipline.
Their differences (conflicts) range from situational to primal, and minor to
extreme.
(A D ?)
-
A "rebellious child" or
family "arguments over child discipline" are often symptoms of deeper problems
-
e.g. caregivers' and kids' psychological
and adult ignorance (lack of knowledge) of...
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling ands thinking about these
premises now. Did you agree with them? Let's use the premises now to look at a common stepfamily
situation centering on child discipline...
Example - Arguing About
"Child Discipline"
What
follows is a composite of many real stepfamilies I've worked with. For
clarity, many factors are omitted.
Susan (33) divorced her first husband
Jason (36) about three years ago,
after 14 years of increasing frustration and dissatisfaction. When she was young, her father was often gone at
work and her mother had been inconsistent at setting behavioral and
scholastic limits and consequences for her and her two sisters. Sue now
teaches seventh graders at a local public school, and is the custodial
parent of Rick (13) and
Molly (11).
Rick
was a "surprise" conception, and Molly was planned. After
Susan and Jason
separated, they had major trouble evolving a stable
and child visitations. Jason lives alone in an apartment about 15" away.
He
picks up both kids for weekend visits twice a month, and occasionally
for a mid-week dinner. His widowed mother maintains active contact with
Rick and Molly. Sue's parents live nearby, and her mother has often
watched the two kids since their parents separated.
Mark
(38) has never married or raised kids. He grew up in a blue-collar
second-generation home with a father who was rigid, vocal, critical and
demanding. His mother usually went along passively with the rules that
her husband set. Mark's father went to work at age 12 to help support
his family, and expected his son to "pull your share" of family
responsibilities without complaining. Mark has two years of college, and
works as a systems analyst for a major corporation. He's dated
several other women over the last 20 years, one of whom had several kids
- but those relationships "just didn't work out."
Mark met Susan at work, and they have dated for seven months. They're
talking about his moving in with her and her kids. He now usually stays
with Susan on weekends that the kids are with their father. Jason
strongly disapproves of this, causing major
and
conflicts among the three
co-parents, and anxiety in Rick and Molly. Mark has also spent time with
Sue and both kids at their home and on some weekend outings.
Neither Mark, Sue or their relatives consider the couple, her kids, and
her ex, Jason, as a "stepfamily," so all the adults assume that the
child-raising and other
that
worked in their respective biofamilies should work well enough among
Sue, Jason, Mark, and the kids. None of the three co-parents or their
six parents grew up in a stepfamily, though Mark's mother dated several
men after her husband died from a stroke in his mid-40s.
Across
the months, Mark has grown uncomfortable with
(a) the casual way Sue sets
limits for her kids without defining and enforcing consequences, and that
(b) she seems to tolerate their ignoring the limits. He has become specially
bothered by Sue allowing her son to talk disrespectfully and
sarcastically to her (e.g. "That's a really stupid question, Mom.")
Until recently, he has kept quiet about these dislikes because he felt
"It's not my place to tell her how to raise her kids." However, his
are mounting, and he has begun to comment to Sue, like...
"You
let your kids get away with murder;"
"You let your kids walk all over
you;" and
"Why do you put up with having to ask your kids six times to
do something?"
Mark
has begun telling Rick what to do, without checking
with Sue first. For example, he chides the boy for hogging the
TV, dropping his clothes on the floor, and leaving snack-remains around
the house "because your mother has to clean up after you." Mark seems to
be more critical of, and reactive to, the boy's behavior, compared to
Molly's. Mark has tried to compliment Rick at times ("Nice going on
acing your math test!"), but the boy just shrugs his praise off.
Another growing irritant is Rick's ignoring Mark when they first see
each other. He complains to Sue "Your son won't look at me,
and usually just grunts if I say 'Hey Rick, how'r you doing?' " Sue says
"Oh relax, Mark - he's just being a boy," leaving the
fledgling stepfather feeling unheard, disrespected, hurt,
and frustrated that she seems to condone her son's rude behavior.
Mark is also increasingly resentful that Sue's kids don't thank him after he
takes them all out for a meal, bowling, or a movie. When Mark complains about
this, Sue says "Your expectations are just unrealistic. You
know that kids don't even
thank their parents, right? Did you?" He again
feels unheard, second-best, and self-doubtful.
None of these complaints (and responses) feel "major" to either partner
-
so far. Sue is beginning to feel Mark's criticisms of her son imply that
he
thinks she's a "bad mother," but she doesn't say this. Mark is feeling
unheard and disrespected by Sue, and is beginning to lose some respect
for her as a Mom. He finds it much safer to complain about Sue's son
than to openly criticize Sue for not providing effective discipline -
though that's what he really feels.
Neither partner is aware of
they communicate, or knows the difference
between win-win
and
the ineffective
they use.
This is a typical stepfamily
courtship scenario. It shows the seeds of what can develop into
three simultaneous major couple and family stressors - specially if the
partners
decide to cohabit, with or without re/marrying.
The stressors are values and loyalty
conflicts, and Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer (PVR) relationship triangles.
As we explore each of these now,
see if they describe dynamics in your past or present home and family...
1) Values Conflicts
A
values conflict occurs when two or more people have a significant difference of
opinion, preference, priority, or perception. There are no absolute right solutions to these clashes - just
differences. All people experience internal and social, trivial to
extreme values conflicts as life unfolds. No one is wrong or bad when they
happen!
In this typical pre-commitment stepfamily, Sue and Mark are beginning to
experience a set of values conflicts over child discipline and other
things:
|
Mark
believes...
-
Kids must
respect and obey their parents without debate
-
Kids should be taught to
acknowledge guests courteously each time they meet
-
Kids should want
to express gratitude when someone does something nice
for them
-
Kids should be firmly taught
to pick up after themselves at home
-
Women should
respect and honor men's needs and opinions
-
In most conflicts involving her
kids, Sue should
side with him as her primary partner,
except in emergencies
-
Generally, the
man of the house should set the major rules and
consequences, and that he is becoming that man
-
Stepfamilies are not much
different than intact biofamilies. Standard rules about
discipline are usually good enough
|
Susan believes...
-
Some degree of
backtalk and sarcasm from kids is normal and acceptable
-
Minor kids ignoring family guests
is normal - they'll learn courtesy eventually
-
Caregivers enjoy
providing nice things for their kids, and shouldn't need
frequent thanks
-
Kids are forgetful and messy
by nature, and will gradually learn to value neatness
-
Men and women
should respect and honor each other's needs and opinions
equally
-
Each conflict with Mark
about her kids should be handled individually.
Mark should
accept that at times her kids come first with her
-
Single moms
should set the main rules and consequences in their home,
and suitors should respect that
-
Stepfamilies are unique in
ways that deserve study and discussion after
commitment - including agreeing on child discipline.
|
If
this courting couple doesn't intentionally...
acknowledge each of these
(and other) normal values conflicts, and...
seek mutually-acceptable compromises or agreeing to disagree; then...
they risk increasing
frustrations, distrusts, and disrespects - i.e. a decaying
relationship. They also risk...
subjecting Sue's kids to chronic
which can promote
confusion, frustration, irritation, withdrawal, sullenness,
and/or rebellion.
Finally,...
the couple may also may deprive each child from learning how to spot,
discuss, and resolve values conflicts effectively in their own lives.
If they
don't already know how to resolve values conflicts, courting co-parents (and
any ex mates like Jason, here) need to
mutually acknowledge their stepfamily
and
agree on what that
- e.g. that they'll have to spot and cope with many complex
values conflicts for years, as they slowly merge their co-parents' several
biofamilies.
|
For more perspective on family values conflicts and options for
resolving them, study this. To
discover how your family members handle values conflicts now, use
this worksheet. |
2) Loyalty Conflicts
A related dynamic that will stress
members of this young
stepfamily is potentially lethal to
Mark and Susan's relationship -
All human groups experience these priority or inclusion/exclusion
choices and their effects. They're specially common and complex in typical
families and
Loyalty conflicts occur when an adult or child feels they must choose sides between two
or more conflicted people they value, and risk hurting and being resented by the
unchosen one/s. Not choosing dissatisfies everyone.
In this example, the loyalty conflict manifests as Mark semi-consciously expecting Sue
to side with him in most disputes over her kids' behaviors and her disciplinary
rules and consequences. Sue doesn't agree - a values conflict. Like most courting co-parent
couples, neither has clearly asserted their needs and values (the table above) to their
partner to avoid potentially unpleasant disputes and marring their courtship
dreams.
Each time Sue seems
to ignore, discount, or refute Mark's criticism of either child ("You
don't do anything about Rickie's whining and complaining or Mollie's lousy
table manners.") or his
"suggestions" about effective parenting ("You need to give the kids
consequences for breaking the rules, and then follow up!"), he accumulates another hurt
from feeling he
comes second to the kids with Sue. At times he also resents Sue
putting her ex Jason's needs and opinions above his, and justifying or minimizing his discomfort
("After all, you're supposed to be the adult here, Mark.")
The common other half of the loyalty-conflict stressor is beginning to manifest
with Sue - feeling criticized by Mark as a mom, and like "I'm always
between Mark and someone. I don't like having to choose
between
people I care about!" If this courting couple doesn't decide to evolve an
acceptable
strategy to avoid or resolve their (inevitable) loyalty conflicts together, each partner will grow
increasingly discontented, frustrated, or numb.
Note that in blended stepfamilies where each partner has one or more prior
kids, it's often easier for both people to empathize with the other
stepparent's feelings. That's often not so in stepfamilies like this one, where the
bioparent is not in a stepparent role.
As exasperation over unresolved values conflicts and triangles grows, the kids
are apt to feel increasingly insecure,
and repeatedly test to see who's really in charge
of their custodial home.
They naturally expect their Mom to side with them in conflicts with Mark.
Having little knowledge of stepfamily realities and dynamics, Sue's relatives, ex husband
Jason, and key supporters probably expect the same.
|
The best solution to
typical loyalty conflicts is for the adults involved to (a) admit them
without blame or guilt, and (b) seek acceptable compromises as teammates.
When no acceptable compromises appear, the next best solution is for the bioparent in the middle (Sue,
here) to accept that by putting her partner's needs and opinions ahead of
her kids' often enough (except in emergencies), she's really putting her
kids' long-term needs first by nurturing the couple's relationship and
guarding the kids against another traumatic family breakup.
|
In my clinical
experience, many widowed or
divorcing
bioparents like Sue are unable to genuinely rank their new partner's needs first often
enough because of unacknowledged psychological
+
+
+
unresolved
about their kids' pain and deprivations + uninformed social pressures.
Eventually, the
stepparent wearies of feeling less important to their partner than other
people, and/or the
bioparent tires of having to choose, and feeling anxious, guilty, and
frustrated. Result: the couple compensates by an
an
"numbing out,"
getting sick and/or depressed, or they break up
psychologically or legally.
Loyalty clashes differ from other values conflicts in that there is
an absolute best couple solution (in my opinion): when viable compromises
aren't found, partners agree to usually put each adult's
and
(self-respect) first, the couple's relationship second, and all else third -
even if that hurts, disappoints, or frustrates kids or other people.
Loyalty conflicts between stepsiblings are not so simple.
Courting couples usually have high tolerances for loyalty disputes. If Mark and Sue commit to each other and/or have one or more "ours"
kids, that will probably intensify existing conflicts, and create major new
ones: Mark's stepkids will feel hurt and resentful if Mark seems to
prefer their new half-sibling over them, which is primal and natural.
In
"ours child"
conflicts, Mark is "in the middle," and Sue also may resent his
favoring the new child over her older children, even though she
"understands it." This is specially likely if she is controlled by
a well-meaning
and/or was ambivalent about 20+ more years of mothering responsibilities.
If Rick and Molly's biofather Jason seriously dates or commits to a new partner (a
stepmother), that couple will experience their own loyalty conflicts -
specially if the woman has prior kids too.
The ideal family solution is for all
four (or more) co-parents to...
-
accept their stepfamily
identity and what it means;
-
understand and expect (vs. deny,
ignore, or minimize) many values and loyalty conflicts;
-
talk clearly and directly together and agree to put the
new partners' current
first often enough
when they can't find an acceptable compromise; and...
-
explain this
choice to all kids,
relatives, and supporters; and use respectful
to acknowledge their reactions..
This solution is
most attainable if all co-parents are usually
by their
and know how to use these communication
This seems rare in our current society.
|
Read and discuss this series for more perspective on avoiding and resolving loyalty conflicts effectively.
To see how your family handles them now, try this
worksheet. |
In addition to their ongoing mosaic of concurrent values and loyalty conflicts, most
divorcing-family and stepfamily members like Sue, Mark, Jason, and the kids
will be steadily stressed by an endless variety of...
3) Relationship Triangles
All social groups struggle with a universal dynamic first described in 1968 by Dr. Steven Karpmann.
He proposed that in conflictual group situations, three or more group
members unconsciously adopt one of
a
Persecutor who
causes a Victim significant discomfort, which triggers a
Rescuer to protect the Victim against the Persecutor. In our example,
Mark is the Persecutor, criticizing Sue's son Rickie (the
Victim), causing Sue (in the middle) to side with (Rescue) her son.
As unresolved home and family PVR triangles accumulate, they promote growing hurts, resentments,
confusions, distrusts,
anger. These are usually compounded by chronic, concurrent loyalty
and values conflicts. Unresolved triangles
usually polarize other group (family)
members into more loyalty disputes and triangles. This growing stress
inexorably lowers the family's
which inhibits adult
and promotes
formation and
dependent and future kids.
For example, seeing Mark as critical of her daughter's parenting and her
grandkids' behaviors, Sue's mother can criticize or reject (Persecute) Mark
(the Victim) causing Sue to "Rescue" (defend) Mark ("Mom, he's never raised
kids before, and doesn't really understand yet.")
Variations: young
Molly can feel protective of her brother Rick, and defend him against Mark
when "Mom's boyfriend is so mean." Or Rick can feel like protecting his
mother Sue if it seems that Mark is attacking or disrespecting her. Or
biofather Jason can attack (persecute) Mark (the Victim) for "interfering in
our family when no one asked him to," causing Sue to defend (rescue) Mark.
Values and loyalty conflicts and related triangles usually occur in
concurrent groups, causing increasing stress unless the adults learn how to avoid or
separate and cope with them one or two at a time. Do the adults in your
family know how to do that yet? Do they know that?
|
For more perspective on relationship triangles and how to avoid
and diffuse them, read, discuss, and apply the ideas in
this article. Then teach other
family members - including older kids - what you learn. For
"extra credit," then teach co-workers, neighbors, and church and
support-group members people too! |
Pause, breathe, and note with interest what you're thinking and feeling now. Then
recall why you're reading this. Then think of your childhood and/or present
family. Can you identify significant values and loyalty conflicts and PVR
triangles now, and how they have affected you all? Did or do the family adults
know what to do with these stressors? Who's responsible for teaching them?
Continue by learning the three root
causes of these stressors, and key options for managing them
effectively. Do you need a stretch break first?
+ + +
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