Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents

30 Typical Communication Blocks

A self-assessment worksheet - p. 1 of 3

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/blocks.htm

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        This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfactions. This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

       This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.

        The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources.

        Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

       Learning seven powerful communication skills early and modeling and teaching them to kids and kin is the second of 12 safeguard projects co-parents can work at together to evolve a high-nurturance family, and guard descendents against inheriting psychological wounds. The alternative is unawareness, which is one of five epidemic marital hazards.

       Many things can degrade inner and interpersonal communications. Most come from psychological wounds, ignorance, and unconscious habits. All can be improved, using the seven Project-2 skills if your true Self guides your personality. Use this worksheet to spot any significant blocks you and one or more partners have, so you can reduce them together. Avoid using this worksheet to blame or shame yourself or another! Begin by thoughtfully considering these...

Premises

        See how these beliefs compare to yours:

Any perceived behavior that causes a “significant” mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual effect on another person (in someone's opinion) is “communication.” "Significant" is a subjective judgment.

Intentional communication (like “talking”) aims to fill two to six personal needs:

gain or keep respect (a constant); and...

give or get information; and/or...

vent (release thoughts and feelings, and be accepted); and/or...

cause change (reduce discomfort or gain pleasure); and/or...

cause or maintain excitement (end or avoid boredom); and/or...

avoid significant discomforts.

The need for enough self and mutual respect is unconscious and constant with each adult and child. Shame-based people rarely feel enough respect until in true recovery from false-self wounds - so they often have trouble thinking and communicating effectively.

Effective (vs. "open and honest" or "good") communication occurs when each person...

gets their current primary needs met well enough,

in a way that promotes self and mutual respect, trust, and shared satisfaction.

Anything that hinders these is a communication “block.” Three universal blocks are psychological wounds, ignorance of communication basics, and unawareness of why and how you're communicating. Progress on family Project 1 and Project 2 can improve each of these over time. See page 3 for detail.

Communication blocks can occur between your personality subselves (internal blocks), and between people (interpersonal blocks) - so ineffective communication can be caused by blocks inside me + inside you + between us. A useful habit to build is intentionally reducing your inner conflicts before tackling significant problems with other people. Do you do that in your key relationships now? Do your kids know how and when to do this yet?

The learnable skills of awareness, clear thinking, digging down, and metatalk can help identify such blocks, and the other three Project-2 skills can resolve them if both partner’s true Selves lead their other subselves. This is why steady co-parent effort at Project 1 is a prerequisite for all 11 other family-building Projects.

        Please use this worksheet to discover and improve your communication effectiveness - not to attack, shame, and blame yourself or a partner! Print this article, make 30" of undistracted time, and fill it out thoughtfully for yourself and (optionally) another important adult or child. Keys to resolving these blocks are summarized on page 2. The worksheet focuses on communication between any two people. The blocks also apply to two or more subselves!
        If you're not clear why you're reading this article, try this useful exercise first. Then decide if your true Self is guiding your personality now. If s/he's not, you risk other subselves' denying that you cause some of these blocks.
        For useful perspective, try rating yourself honestly now:

On a scale of one (I'm rarely effective at communicating with most people) to ten (I'm highly effective with all people, all the time), rate your communication effectiveness in typical calm situations ___ and conflicts ___. Would key other people agree with your ratings? If you have a primary partner, how would you rate her or him on these two factors?

30 Typical Communication Blocks

Me/You (check if applicable)
__ __ 1) Someone receives a verbal or nonverbal R(espect)-message they decode as "I don't respect you as an equal here." R-messages are usually decoded unconsciously from perceived voice and body dynamics. Communication "works" (needs get well-filled) only when each person (a) feels enough self respect, and (b) gets believable mutual-respect ("=/=") R-messages from their partner/s.
__ __ 2) The sender's and receiver's communication needs don't match. For example, I need to vent, and you need to persuade me to do something (cause action). Each person always has two or more of the six communication needs above. Many combinations of these needs conflict. First steps to resolve this in important conversations are (a) identify your and your partner's current communication needs as teammates, and (b) genuinely want to value them equally!

__ __ 3) The sender gives a "double (mixed) message": their words say one thing, and their face, body, and/or voice imply something else: e.g. "I'm not angry!", said loudly with a scowl and growl. The automatic responses to perceived double messages are confusion, frustration, and - if habitual - growing distrust of the speaker.

        Double messages are caused by the (unaware) speaker being controlled by two or more opposed subselves. Awareness and metatalk skills and true (vs. pseudo) recovery from false-self wounds can help resolve this, over time. Respectful I-messages (assertions) can help an unaware sender realize they're sending mixed messages. See (10) below.

__ __ 4) One or both people are distracted (i.e. can't focus or hear well) by...

physical discomfort (pain, thirst, sleepiness, full bladders, headaches, etc.),

worry, anxiety, or other strong emotion, and/or...

noise, flickering lights, motions, temperature, etc.;

yet they try important communication anyway.

__ __ Block 5) Often interrupting your partner sends an implied "I'm superior" R-message to them. This behavior suggests that the interrupter is probably composing their response without really hearing the speaker. Interruptions can imply...

"My current communication needs are more important than yours," and...

the interrupter has a one-person "awareness bubble" (13 below).

These feel disrespectful, and usually promote defensiveness, hurt, resentment, and irritation in the receiver - specially if s/he's ruled by a false self. Frequent interrupting is often unconscious, and will continue unless the receiver feels enough genuine self-respect to assert and stop it ("Alex, I need you to stop interrupting me.")

__ __ 6) The sender and/or receiver make wrong assumptions about the other's intent, needs, meaning, emotions, R-message, and/or key words and phrases. This can be called "mind reading," and be an unconscious or an intentional way of discounting the other: "I know what you really feel or mean, no matter what you say (or don’t say)." This often evokes defensiveness, resentment, counterattack, and/or withdrawal and denial. In important exchanges, identify and verify key assumptions about your partner!

__ __ 7) A special case of mind-reading happens when the receiver starts talking before the speaker finishes because they "know what (the speaker) is going to say." Even if true, this can feel like a discount. Conversely, the speaker may habitually repeat and/or be long-winded, and the receiver gets bored. Option: the receiver may use a meta-comment like "When you string so many ideas and comments together without pausing, I get overwhelmed and lose interest in what you're saying."

__ __ 8) The sender isn't clear on what (a) primary needs are causing his or her (b) current communication needs. The receiver will then probably feel uneasy and confused. A related problem is ...

__ __ 9) One or both partners aren't aware...

of having no focus, and/or using vague terms and/or "hand-grenade" terms and phrases; and/or

that they can use respectful hearing checks to confirm that they're decoding the other person's meaning accurately.

__ __ 10) Either person may deny or minimize their current emotions to themselves and/or their partner. The receiver may feel they should be interested ("Please go on - this is fascinating!"), when they're really bored or distracted. Even when sent "skillfully," such denials usually result in a double message ("words may lie, bodies and faces don't"). If habitual, such denials and deceptions breed confusion, and erode trust in the speaker. Kids are specially quick to sense these "self-lies." See block #3 above.

        Pause, breathe, and stretch. What are you aware of now? Do you need a break before studying more of these 30 common communication blocks?

Me/You

__ __ 11) Frequently withholding emotions from personal (non-business) communications - on purpose or unconsciously - can leave the receiver unsure of the sender's full or true meaning. The listener may interpret unemotional communication ("You're always in your head") as "You don't trust me" or "You're hiding something." Local or chronic anxiety and distrust usually result.

The receiver may be doing something that makes the sender feel unsafe in honestly sharing their current feelings, and the sender isn't saying so, and/or...

the sender may be wounded and emotionally numb and unaware of this or denying it.

Typical "male brains" are often uneasy identifying expressing emotions like hurt, fear (anxiety), confusion, guilt, shame and sadness. If frequent and ignored, withholding emotions hinders effective problem-solving and strangles intimacy.

__ __ 12) Focusing "too often" on the past or the future can prevent confronting and resolving problems in the present. A special case is when someone imagines a future event so vividly that they react to their partner in the present as though the imagined event had already occurred ("I know you'll be late again!") This is a sure sign of false-self dominance. Resolving this block begins with becoming (nonjudgmentally) aware of it, and how it affects your communication effectiveness and key relationships.

__ __ Block 13) Habitually focusing on one's self (being "self centered") or steadily avoiding attention will result at best in unbalanced and shallow communication. At worst, the receiver may (a) feel used, ignored, and resentful, or (b) feel encouraged to ignore you. Awareness and respectful assertion may change this. Seek to maintain genuine (vs. pretend or dutiful) two-person awareness "bubbles" with each other in important situations. Difficulty doing this indicates unawareness and a dominant false self.

__ __ 14) The sender and/or receiver are unaware of the primary needs causing their conflicting surface needs. For example "I want to talk to you" (surface need) may really mean "I need to reassure myself you still care about me, because you've seemed distant lately." Awareness, clear thinking, patient digging-down, assertion, and empathic listening help unearth semi-conscious current primary needs. Old "issues" keep returning until the primary needs (discomforts) beneath them are acknowledged and filled (reduced enough).

__ __ 15) Either person can send a "Be spontaneous!" paradox. This occurs when one person requests or demands something from another that can only be given spontaneously - like trust, love, interest, acceptance, appreciation, desire, and respect. If the second person tries to comply, the first person may then say - "You're just doing that because I asked you to, not because you really mean it." Catch 22!

        Examples: "You never say 'I love you'"; "I demand that you respect my wishes!"; "You need to respect the sacrifices I'm making for you"; and "I need you to (want to) initiate sex more often." Such paradoxical messages are inherently self-defeating, and make things worse.

        The antidote to this common unconscious block is...

mutual knowledge of this concept,

mutual communication awareness,

the second person asserting something like "You're asking me to give you something that has to be spontaneous," and...

both people digging down to illuminate the underlying relationship needs that are causing this situation. This can't happen unless both people (a) want to improve their communication effectiveness as true partners, and (b) make this a mutual high priority in their busy lives.

        We're half-way through this collection of common communication blockers. How many of these could you have named before you read this? Are your kids learning to be aware of these blocks yet? Breathe, stretch, and then...

Continue on page 2...

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