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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes
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Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article covers...
Definitions
People (like you) exchange verbal and nonverbal feedback all the
time. Feedback is information about how the sender (a) thinks and
feels now, and (b) is affected by the receiver's attitudes and behavior.
It may be intentional (goal-oriented) or not, direct or indirect, and
perceived accurately or not. The quality of every communication exchange
(satisfying or not) is shaped by the feedback received and decoded by
each person.
|
Premise -
effective communication (a) fills the current
of all participants "well enough," (b) in a way that feels
"good enough" to all involved. So effective
feedback is (a) filling current primary (vs. surface)
needs of the sender and receiver "well enough" as judged by
each person, and (b) enhancing the relationship, vs.
degrading it. |
Reflect: can you think of someone in your past or present life who
offered you genuinely-useful information about themselves and/or about you or your behavior in a way
that didn't upset or offend you? Now think of someone else who offered
you such information in a way that left you feeling badly about yourself and/or
them. What made the difference? Now - wonder how others receive the
unconscious and intentional feedback
you've given them...
Giving
and receiving personal
feedback are skills that can be intentionally developed over time. This
article proposes guidelines for each skill, based on these
principles and learnable
For perspective, thoughtfully assess yourself:
on a scale of one (consistently ineffective)
to ten (consistently effective) - how
effective are you recently at (a) giving ___ and (b) receiving ___
feedback to/from other people - specially children. Would people who know
you agree with your ratings? Option - ask them with an open
mind!
For perspective on designing intentional feedback, let's first
review...
Unintentional Feedback
Psychiatrist Milton Erickson was a master communicator and psychiatrist. He
observed that we all unconsciously broadcast "subliminal cues" (signals)
about what we currently feel, think, and need - subtle shifts in eye
contact, skin color and tone, face and body language, and voice
dynamics.
This agrees with the ancient proverb "Words can lie - bodies can't." Our
bodies automatically broadcast clues about our current thoughts, values,
feelings, needs, and focus whether we wish to or not. Do you
agree?
This is a major reason to develop the keystone communication
(relationship) skill of
Until
we do, most of us (e.g. you?) are largely unconscious of the
signals we send and decode all the time. That promotes inner and social
confusion, misunderstandings, mis-assumptions, and ineffective
communication. Any bells ringing?
Our faces, bodies, and voices offer clear
evidence of who is in charge of our
at the moment and
over time - a well-meaning
or our wise resident
A common symptom of false-self dominance is sending
-
and denying or justifying them. Anyone can learn to decode this evidence
and decide what to do with it. If you're
about normal subselves, read this memo,
and try this safe, interesting exercise.
Then return here
The practical implication of
this is that if you want to raise the odds that your feedback is
consistently effective, commit to having your
Self (capital "S") consistently
guide your other busy, talented subselves.
in this nonprofit Web site offers a practical way to do this - "parts
work," or
Parts work and the skill of
provide an effective way to judge who is controlling other people
now and over time. Assessing this can help you to decide if, how, what,
and when to offer intentional feedback to an adult or child. To
expand your
and social awareness, read this, and
try this skill practice.
Now let's use the definition of effective feedback, and review...
Five
Guidelines for Giving Effective Feedback
Feedback can be spontaneous or planned. Until you become proficient,
planned feedback usually has the best chance of benefiting everyone.
Consciously using the guidelines below until they become automatic can raise the odds
that your feedback will feel useful to you and any partner/s.
These guidelines cover your relationship attitude,
and your feedback motives, timing, style, and focus.
Profiting from these guidelines
requires that you (a) are
by your Self and (a) are proficient at communication
Are you, yet?
1)
Mutual Respect
Before giving important feedback, get
clear on your present attitude about you and your partner. If you
honestly feel...
"Your dignity, worth,
rights, and needs are
just as important as
mine now."
(an
or mutual-respect attitude), go ahead with your feedback.
With this attitude you'll probably (a) maintain a two-person
and (b) automatically ask if your partner is willing to receive some
constructive feedback from you now.
Giving unrequested or
unauthorized feedback often feels disrespectful (right?). It
implies "My need to tell you ___ is more important to me than whether
you want (need) to hear me or not." This 1-up R-message will
often hinder the receiver's hearing by promoting a one-person bubble
that excludes you. This can quickly escalate if you feel offended
(disrespected) at being discounted or ignored when you're "just trying
to help."
If you don't have an =/= attitude, defer your feedback and focus on what's in the way of an =/= attitude
- or lower your feedback expectations. The cause may be...
-
significant
(you feel 1-down), and/or...
-
unresolved relationship problems like
hurt, resentment, anger, dislike, disinterest, and distrust; and probably...
-
a well-meaning false self
controlling
you.
If you and/or a partner pretend mutual respect in important situations, your faces (specially
your eyes), words, and voice tones will subliminally signal otherwise,
and shrink communication effectiveness.
Grow proficient at this guideline in all social situations by
practicing awareness of your and other people's Respect
Doing this will also help with he skill of
2) Your Feedback
Motives (Needs)
Before giving someone important or risky observations about them,
know
clearly why you're giving them. What needs are you trying to fill?
Some possibilities - and common results...
To
empower
your partner
via clearer understanding of the effects of their behavior. If this is your main
motive, and they are open to receiving your information now, clear,
respectful
feedback can be a priceless gift and a wonderful relationship nutrient! It
leaves them free to react in any way they want; and/or...
To solve a personal or
mutual problem. Here, feedback leads to problem definition and
mutual
Decide clearly if
you want some action from your partner, or are offering observations they
can use as they wish. The former is the basis of the powerful relationship skill of
Or you may want to offer feedback to...
Fix, improve, or help your partner.
If they haven't asked for help, advising them implies
"I’m 1-up: I know more, and am better than you" or "I’m
right, you're wrong." Such an R(espect)-message - specially if covert or
- quickly
causes
and defensiveness
and/or aggression (yes?).
Condescending
or
advice may
plug your partner's mind and ears fast, raise their
and
dilute their trust in the intention and value of your feedback.
And/or
your (ruling subselves') motives for giving feedback may be to...
Punish, get revenge,
shame, or cause guilt in your partner. Offering critical
or scornful feedback (like name-calling and sarcasm) in the presence of others is a great way to do these.
It's guaranteed
to damage your and their self-esteems and erode your relationship.
It can be
specially inviting to do this to younger and
people who
won't or can't assert themselves. It can be
if the receiver can't avoid it
or protect themselves. This feedback-motive is usually a symptom of
Or you may
need to give feedback to...
Distract your
partner from a topic or activity you fear. This may work short
term, but will leave them with unmet
It also risks causing her or him to feel
manipulated or
which breeds
hurt, resentment, distrust, and defensiveness.
Forget the feedback, and explore your
- with or without their help.
One option:
"Uh, I'm feeling really
uncomfortable about __________________ now.
I need _____________(from
you). Can you do that?"
Other possible motives (payoffs) for your offering feedback can include...
Reducing your
fear of
rejection and
by your partner by being a wonderful / supportive /
nurturing / empathic friend. This is classic
behavior
often caused by a diligent
If
your partner is very needy and/or self-centered (wounded), s/he may enjoy your feedback for awhile. It may do no damage,
but does nothing toward reducing your subselves' anxiety. You may have a stressful relationship mainly based on
and/or
There
are better options!
Or sometimes you may
offer feedback
to...
ease discomforts in
you
vs. to empower your partner. If you
mainly on your
needs (have a 1-person
the other person will receive an implied 'I'm 1-up''
from you.
Use the Project-2 communication
to satisfy your
and their needs - specially respectful
assertions and
If you offer comments and your
partner gets defensive, angry, sullen, shuts down, or withdraws, it's likely (a) s/he doesn't
trust your motive (why?), (b) you're tending your needs rather than
both of yours, and/or (c) s/he's controlled by a
It can also mean your timing is off...
3) Feedback
Timing
Possibilities:
Your partner has
asked for feedback or seems receptive to getting it - i.e.
you judge that his or her
is "below their ears,"
s/he's not distracted, and s/he can
hear you now; or...
S/He's not asked for feedback, and
you're unsure if s/he wants it or can receive it.
Either way, if you have
any doubt about the other person's willingness or ability to receive - ask!
This can sound like:
"I have some observations on what you just did (or
said). Are you willing to hear them?"
Or more concisely: "Are you
open to some feedback now?"
If you get some version of "No" and resent it, or if you're reluctant to ask first, check your motives
and who's controlling your subselves!
Also: The sooner you give
feedback after your partner's behavior,
the clearer and
more helpful it's apt to be. "Here and now" is usually more
helpful than "there and then." Is that your experience?
Another guideline for giving effective feedback has to do with your...
4) Feedback
Style
and Focus
Give factual, nonjudgmental
descriptions that could be recorded on tape or video,
rather than judgments (good/bad,
right/ wrong, must/mustn't, ...). For example:
"I've noticed you've
interrupted me three times in the last
couple of minutes, and lm getting
distracted by it"
is easier to hear than...
"You get the gold
medal for
rudeness, you jerk. "
Beware of
"You need to...", which is a
covert way of saying "I want you to..." Also:
"You never..." and "You always..."
tend to feel judgmental,
overwhelming, and can spoil =/= (mutually respectful) feedback
fast.
Watch out for
flooding.
In
your zeal to empower your partner and feel wonderful about yourself, you may give feedback
too fast, or
give too much at once. Typically, one partner is faster at thinking,
speaking, and/or reacting than the other. Limiting your comments to a few
sentences at most and then asking for any response can guard against flooding.
Use "I" and
"You" rather than "We." Trying to sugarcoat your
feedback to avoid "hurt feelings" (avoid scary
- e.g. "We really need to do better at staying focused on one
topic at a time" - often breeds semi-conscious discomfort and distrust.
Better: "When
you change subjects so quickly, I get confused and have a hard time staying with
you." (A clear, respectful
Describe
what
you heard
and saw, like an objective scientist or reporter. Be factual and brief, without
interpreting, minimizing, or exaggerating.
"You're twisting your ring and jerking your
hands around a lot.
That distracts me from concentrating on what you're
saying"
or...
"You're talking very slowly, and my mind
tends to wander."
are less apt to hook or confuse your partner
than...
"You've been doing a lot of distracting
stuff,"
or...
"I'm really having trouble following you."
Focus objectively on the
other person's behavior,
not
the person! Then summarize the impact of
their behavior on your current feelings, sensations, thoughts,
and needs:
"When you smoke in here, the smell (not
'you'!)
really distracts me from listening to
you..." or...
"I notice you're not looking at me now (vs.
"You're avoiding my eyes,"
which is a judgmental assumption), and I'm
feeling uneasy."
Avoid guessing your
partner's behavioral effect on others ("You usually come across as
egotistical.") unless the others are present to
confirm it. it risks mis-assuming, misunderstanding, guilt, defensiveness, and
reciprocal assumptions and
judgments.
Avoid
guessing why your
partner did what they did, unless they invite you to brainstorm. Otherwise,
you miss the real target: alerting them to their behavior's impact, and
reasons to change their attitudes and/or behavior. Second-guessing can imply you
feel 1-up, and
trigger defensiveness, hurt, resentment, dependency, withdrawal, and/or
"deafness."
Note that
withholding
feedback to avoid "hurting your partner's feelings" may deprive
them of a chance to grow, avoid useful
or embarrassment, and to identify and fill important needs.
If habitual, this kind of avoidance is called
Ultimately,
your partner is responsible for her
or his reaction to your
empowerment gift - not you.
(Do you agree?) If you're unsure about
offering observations, you can say so: e.g.:
"I'm nervous about telling you this.
I'm scared it may
hurt your feelings, and that you'll pull away from me."
We just reviewed five options for giving effective feedback to another
person. Now let's look at...
Options for Receiving Feedback Effectively
Note your option to ask
for feedback from any communication partner - in general, and on your way of
giving feedback.
A useful variation of this in important conversations is to ask for
brief
to see if your partner heard (vs. agreed with) you.
Be prepared for some version of "No / Not now."
Do you feel that some ways of receiving
feedback are better than others? "Better" relates to
filling each person's needs well enough in a satisfying way. You may
have asked for feedback, agreed to receive it, or neither. In each case,
your
needs are probably...
-
to feel self and mutual respect and...
-
empathically (vs. intellectually)
understood, and...
-
to get clear, constructive information
about the effects of your attitudes and behavior, and/or your
subselves need...
-
to get helpful information about your
partner and/or something else.
First (a) affirm that your true Self is
you and your partner, and then (b) identify your current
and
needs.
If your partner offers you uninvited or intrusive feedback, you can use
a respectful I-message, like...
"Pat, when you offer me advice
that I didn't ask for, I feel disrespected and irritated. You may
wish to help me, and (not 'but') I need you to check with me first
before offering feedback. Sometimes I just need you to hear
me, not fix me."
In
receiving welcome feedback,
you may repeat the essence of it back to test your understanding (do a hearing
check). This can
be specially useful in volatile situations involving sex; money; health; major
relationship changes, decisions, and losses; and rage, terror, or great
You can help each other give more effective reporting by saying something
like:
"I hear you best when
you..." or "it specially helps me when
you..."
Notice how
you feel
when you get clear, respectful, timely, constructive, empowering, information
about your perceived attitudes and actions. How do you feel about the giver? What happens to your relationship? Your self
and mutual esteem?
What would it be like
if they hadn't given it or if you hadn't asked? Your partners
probably feel they same if your motive is to empower and/or co-operatively problem-solve.
Option - if you get
your needs met in receiving invited feedback, you may ask if your
partner got her or his needs met well enough too.
If you both did, then your exchange was effective!
A final guideline: after you (a) confirm you understand your
partner's feedback and (b) ask if there's more, you can...
-
thank them for their gift and
intentions, and offer any...
-
information or explanations you think
are relevant feedback on their feedback), and/or offer...
-
process comments that occur to you about
the way s/he gave you feedback - e.g. "I really appreciate
your being brief and factual, respectful, not making assumptions,
and keeping comfortable eye contact with me, as you give me
feedback." and perhaps...
-
comment on what you're going to do about
/ with your partner's information, and/or..
-
invite win-win
as appropriate, or..
-
something else.
We've just reviewed (a) what interpersonal feedback is, (b) typical needs that cause
it, and (c) five options that can improve the odds that your
feedback will fill your and your partner's needs, and (d) options for
receiving feedback effectively.
Note the
option of using these option to improve giving yourself feedback!
Reflect...
Use what you've read now, if you wish, by reflecting or jotting a few notes
about...
- My feedback strengths now are...
- I can Improve my feedback style by...
- I could receive your feedback better if...
- I'd like to get clear, empowering feedback now
from (whom?)
on (what?)
- When I consider asking for such feedback, I...
- What I appreciate about the way you give me
feedback is...
These
resources can help improve anyone's feedback:
-
common communication
blocks,
-
tips for more
effective communication,
-
useful communication
phrases,
-
how to "map" and
improve communication sequences, and
-
options for improving communication with
adults and kids.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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