Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Options for Improving Your Communication - p. 1 of 4 Get more needs met more often! By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/improve.htm

        Clicking a link below will open an informational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site - no cookies or ads!       

This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfac-tions.         This brief introduction describes the site's purpose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The practical guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and re-sources in this nonprofit Web site.

        Before continuing, pause and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        If you seek more effective communication with someone, try out the idea that you are at least half of any problems with them. If you're looking for suggestions on how to change another person, refocus on changing yourself (e.g. by learning to communicate differently). Doing so can improve the quality of the relationship, as long as you choose a mutual-respect attitude.

        Whatever you seek, I encourage you to skip any links here if they distract you. If they do, finish reading and then follow links of interest to expand your learning.       

        This article is about significantly improving your communication effectiveness. It...

• provides preparation and motivational options, and key definitions; and then...

• describes typical surface problems, and three interactive primary causes of ineffective communication,

• proposes practical solutions to each factor,

  • illustrates how false-self wounds affect communication outcomes;

  • provides a self-study course for communication basics and skills, and...

  • suggests how to improve your awareness;

• summarizes key relationship basics, and...

• provides 21 action options.

Prepare to Improve

        First, reflect and name...

several adults or kids you have chronic trouble communicating with (i.e. difficulty getting your needs met), and...

any situations you have trouble communicating effectively in, like job interviews, personal in-timacy, facing angry people, receiving major criticism or disrespect, disciplining kids, and making important assertions and confrontations.

        Imagine what your life would be like if you could consistently communicate well with each of these people and situations. I guarantee you can, if you commit to learning or improving seven powerful skills. If you practice one skill a week for seven weeks, you'll get a good sense of what you're capable of. If you don't commit, you'll live your remaining years never knowing what you might have achieved.

         Imagine any minor children in your life sitting in a group looking at you. Now imagine they are grown, and have adult kids and grandkids of their own. Imagine all of these adults and kids in a semicircle around you. The youngest child speaks for the rest of the kids. S/he asks "Please - would you show us how to think and communicate really well? If you don't - who will?"

        Try answering that question out loud now. Then reflect - how would you like to answer?

        To make what follows more real and less abstract, pause and think of several people you judge to be (a) really effective communicators, and (b) very ineffective communicators. Reflect on the criteria you use to make these judgments, and bring these people along as you learn.

Rate Yourself...

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to think effectively) to ten (I consistently think very effectively in calm and stressful situations), rank your recent ability to think (communicate internally) in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations. 

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to communicate effectively) to ten (I consistently communicate very effectively), rank your recent ability to communicate in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

• On a scale of one (I'm never able to problem-solve effectively) to ten (I consistently problem-solve  effectively), rank your recent ability to resolve problems and conflicts in calm ___ and stressful ___ situations.

Would people who know you well agree with your ratings? Option - ask them!
 

I propose that if you commit to studying and practicing on the ideas in this series of articles, you can rank yourself at least a solid 9 in each of these domains. How interested are you in achiev-ing that for yourself and any descendents?

__  I'm very committed to improve my thinking and communicating now

__  I'm moderately interested now

__  I need to know more before I decide

__  I'm really not motivated to improve now - I'm too busy

__  Part of me wants to improve, and part of me doesn't care.

        The last two answers suggest you're probably controlled by a well-meaning false self, and may not  (want to) know that or what it means. That's a much bigger problem than ineffective communication! More on this below...

        This article assumes you're familiar with these concepts:

A quiz to help you learn what you need to learn about effective communication

A summary of effective-communication basics and seven powerful skills - slides or text

A summary of common communication blocks - which do you use?

Useful family, relationship, and communication-process terms

Three examples of digging down to discern primary (vs. surface) needs,

Examples of lose-lose and win-win problem-solving in action. And...

Strategies for communicating effectively with minor kids

Have you seen all these ideas before?

A Paradox

         From birth, all people instinctively communicate to fill current needs - i.e. to reduce current or future physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts. Do you agree? Any perceived behavior that causes a signif-icant effect in another person is communication. "Significant" is a subjective judgment.

        We all depend on communicating to fill our needs more than any other learned behavior - yet most people (like you?) never want to study how to do it effectively! For example...

Try naming the seven communication skills and when to use each of them.

Could any of the adults who raised you name and describe these skills?

Can you name a school or program that teaches these skills effectively?

       After searching for 45 years, I've never met one person who could name and describe these skills - including many professional communicators!

        Most people (like you?) don't know what they could achieve by improving their communication outcomes - i.e. to fill more needs more often, and live more productive, healthy, satisfying lives. That means that they (you) can't teach their kids how to communicate effectively, so inherited ignorance of these skills and their benefits passes down the generations and cripples most kids.

        Are there young people in your life?

        Trying to fill your daily needs without knowing how to think and communicate effectively is like trying to swim with one leg. If you're used to doing that, you can't imagine what swimming with two legs would be like! Neither can the kids in your family.

         Notice where your thoughts go now...

 What is Effective Communication?

        Try answering this question out loud, as though you'd been asked by an average pre-teen. (Can you imagine a kid asking this?). After 45 years' study and reflection, I propose that effective (vs. "open and honest") communication occurs when each person involved clearly feels...

• they got their current primary (vs. surface) needs met well enough (in their opinion), and...

• they feel good enough about (a) themselves, (b) each communication partner, and (c) their process.

        Think of the last time you experienced "effective communication."  Were these two criteria clearly met? Now think of the last ineffective oral or written communication you exchanged. Were either or both criteria clearly not met? 

       In any communication exchange between two people, there are 16 possible combinations of these two criteria. Only one satisfies both criteria for both people, so in important situations, the odds of fully satisfying outcomes for two persons is just 6%!

        To learn how effectively you think and communicate (i.e. fill your daily needs), answer this question honestly:

"Typically, how many nights per week do I go to bed feeling serene and deeply satisfied with the way my day went?"

Caution - if you're governed by a protective false self (below), your answer may be significantly distorted.

  How do You Define Important Communication?

        Is speaking to a salesperson a vital conversation? Is asking someone to marry you or conceive a child? How about asking someone to pass the peas, or if they've seen your keys?" Premise - thinking is internal communication.

        Most needs you seek to satisfy by communicating are moderately important or less. You only need full communication awareness and skills in a small number of relationships (e.g. with your partner, kids, best friend, and employer) and situations (e.g. talking with an attorney, clergyperson, policeman, or doctor)

         The importance of a relationship or social situation varies with the priority of the needs you seek to fill - e.g. the need for a satisfying primary relationship and a healthy, happy child are more important than needing a snack or watering your plants.

Define your criteria for "important communication" by meditating and ranking the top ten (a) priorities and (b) relationships in your life now. Both lists really rank the importance of various primary needs you seek to satisfy.

        Using your criteria, identify the important communications you've had in the last three months. What percentage of the time would you say both effectiveness factors above were clearly met? Is there's room for improvement? 

        What causes dissatisfying communication outcomes - specifically? Try answering this out loud before reading about these...

Surface Problems

        Se if you recognize (or cause) any of these common "communication problems" - my partner...

never listens to me blows up or shuts down if I argue has to have the last word is too intellectual (or emotional) won't stay focused on one thing won't say what s/he wants   is so illogical / "unreasonable" won't talk to me never apologizes is always pessimistic / optimistic doesn't keep her/his promises gives me double messages won't always tell me the truth

never lets me finish tells me what I think and feel criticizes and lectures me swears and calls me names keeps bringing up the past never shuts up   won't look at me when we argue jokes too much / won't take me seriously makes everything sexual repeats the same thing over and over talks down to me (is "1-up") will never get specific (generalizes) does other things when we talk

        Complaints like these are "communication problems" - and each of them is a surface issue. Trying to correct any of these permanently is often a frustrating waste of time and energy. Discover the primary needs causing these surface problems, and seek to fill them together.

Three Basic Problems (Opportunities)

        My experience over half a century suggests that three factors combine to hinder typical adults like you (and all kids) from communicating effectively, regardless of maturity, education, and profession:

• significant false-self (psychological) wounds,  and...

• ignorance (lack of information) about...

  • descriptive words (a limited vocabulary),

  • communication basics and skills, and of...

  • healthy-relationship basics. And...

• chronic unawareness of personal, relationship, and communication dynamics.

        You can't validate or discount this premise until you know more about each factor. Has anyone ever taught you about them? Are you teaching your kids about them yet? Our wounded, unaware society pro-motes ignorance of these factors so far.

        The good news: you can significantly reduce each of these factors over time and improve your communication  outcomes, once you understand and admit them. The bad news: you're probably con-trolled by a well-meaning false self (wounded) and may be living and working in a low-nurturance environ-ment. These may hinder you from wanting to improve the three factors above. 

        The rest of this article outlines specific options for improving each factor over time.
 

1)  Reduce Your False-self (Psychological) Wounds

        Psychological wounds come from surviving a low-nurturance childhood. They're probably the biggest single source of stress in your life, yet (I suspect) no one has taught you what they are and what to do about them. The six wounds are...

a fragmented personality excessive reality distortions

excessive shame and guilts difficulty trusting wisely

excessive fears difficulty bonding

         Get undistracted, and choose the unbiased curiosity of a researcher. Then study these slides or this two-page article and return here. You need to understand these concepts to improve your communication effectiveness and relationships. Expect to have some basic beliefs about yourself and other people chal-lenged...

        If you're skeptical about normal personality subselves, read this letter to you, and try this safe, inter-esting exercise. Then see how you feel. Disregarding or deferring these two things probably indicates your diligent Impatient One and/or Avoider subselves are protecting some alarmed inner kids, and your wily Magician wants to justify that.

        For perspective, about 80% of site visitors responding to a poll here say "Yes, personality subselves are real, without question."

Knowledge Check

        Answer each of these out loud now, as though to a young teen's questions:

• What are personality subselves, and where do they come from?

• What are the three or four types of normal subselves, and how do they relate to each other?

• What is your true Self (capital "S") and a false self?

• What are the six false-self wounds?

• What is a Grown Wounded Child (GWC)?

• How can I tell if my true Self (capital "S") is guiding my other subselves now and in general?

If you can't confidently answer these questions yet, review (a) the links above, (b) these slides or this article, and (c) these Q&A items until you can.

Alert - if you're often controlled by a protective false self (i.e. if your true Self is disabled), you may have to hit true bottom before you want to learn and accept the answers to these six questions. If so, refer often to these guidelines and stop hoping to improve your communications and key rela-tionships for now. Notice your self-talk now...

How Inner Wounds Block Communication

        To see how inner-family (subself) communication affects your outer communication, meet Gina and Tom. Both thirty-something, they divorced conflictually several years ago. They have joint custody of their nine-year-old son Harold, and need to talk together weekly about him. Both acknowledge that "poor com-munications" was one reason that they separated after six years of marriage. 

        Their expensive, frustrating work with a marriage counselor and a divorce mediator didn't focus mean-ingfully on the two real problems hindering their communication. Both Gina and Tom came from low-nur-turance childhoods, and are significantly wounded as a result. Neither knows this, though each is pretty sure "something's real wrong" with their ex mate. Each co-parent is also largely unaware of the ideas in this article. Like most average adults, they don't know what they don't know.

        Three simultaneous dramas unfold when Tom calls Gina to discuss Harold's alarming report card:

1) the dialog among his subselves ("thinking"), plus...

2) the dialog among her subselves ("thinking"), plus...

3) the verbal and nonverbal exchange between them.

Versions of these dramas have happened many times before, despite both parents feeling dissatisfied with the outcomes. They each care deeply for their son, and feel sadness and great guilt about Harold's suffer-ings from their divorce.

        The titles in italics are different personality subselves. The words are the subselves' "speaking" (con-scious thought streams). If you're not clear on personality subselves yet, what follows will make more sense if you first read this two-page overview of inner families (like yours)!

TOM - before calling his ex-wife Gina about their son...

Catastrophizer - "Four D's! Oh, man - Harold's gonna flunk! He'll never make college, and have to struggle for money his whole life! We'll have to support him forever, and that means..."

Good Dad (Nurturer) - "Oh, shut up, Gloom King - we have to help Harold - now!"

Inner Critic (acidly) - "Really nice job, Tom. What drug were you on when you thought you could be a com-petent father? Now Harold's failing, because you messed up."

Shamed Boy - "See - I AM no good!"

Distracter - "Hey - a beer would taste great right now! Why don't you..."

True Self - "Not a good idea. You've already had two... We should call Gina and talk this report card over."

Good Dad and Practical Adult - "Yes, good. Do it."

Historian  - "Remember the last couple of times we talked about Harold's school problems, Gina blamed me, and blew up."

Skeptic - "Yeah - we can call, but you'd better brace yourself for the usual - hysteria, accusations, and no constructive ideas."

Inner Judge (or Critic) - "What a lousy excuse for a woman and mother she is - how did you ever get invol-ved with her?"

Practical Adult - "You'd better balance the check book before you go to bed - you bounced two checks last month, and that cost us."

True Self - "Stay focused on Harold - he needs help from Gina and all of us. Call her now." 

Tom dials her number, and she answers. Bold words are spoken, and words in italics are thoughts.

Continued...

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Updated  January 04, 2009