Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Empathic Listening Hear With Your Heart! One of seven powerful skills By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/02/listen.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        This article overviews...

• What empathic listening is, and why use it

• Empathic-listening steps

• When to use this powerful skill

• What empathic listening sounds like; and...

• Common alternatives to empathic listening.

        Start by ranking yourself. On a scale of 1 (I have no listening skill at all) to 10 (I'm very skilled at listening)...

    In non-conflicts with the adults and kids who mean the most, my recent listening skill is a ___.

    In conflicts with the adults and kids who mean the most, my recent listening skill is a ___.

    In non-conflicts at work or school, my recent listening skill is a ___.

    In conflicts at work or school, my recent listening skill is a ___.

    Recently, my ability to listen to my own "self-talk" in stressful situations is a ___.

 What is Empathic Listening?

       The American College dictionary describes empathy as "mentally entering into the feeling of a person..., appreciative perception or understanding." Typical (non-empathic) listening usually focuses passively on what the speaker says.

       Empathic listening is periodically saying a summary of what you sense the speaker thinks, feels, and needs at the moment, without judgment. Doing this does not mean you're agreeing with the speaker! Listening empathically to ensure clear understanding can be called a "hearing check."

 Benefits: Why Use This Skill?

       Sincere (vs. manipulative or dutiful) empathic listening is a win-win skill: each person is more apt to get their current communiction needs met. It benefits everyone!

• Listening empathically signals your respectful, non-critical interest in the speaker. They feel valued by you [implied R(espect) message: "= / ="], so...

• The speaker is more apt to keep talking, vs. defending, blaming, shutting down, or withdrawing. This can build trust, intimacy, and relationships, over time. And...

• The speaker may be more willing to listen well to you... later!

• Unlike saying "I hear you" and "I understand," empathic listening demonstrates whether you comprehend what the speaker thinks, feels, and needs. This...

• Minimizes misunderstandings. At the same time, listening empathically...

• May help the speaker clarify their ideas, emotions, and needs, as they hear your periodic nonjudgmental summaries.

• Best of all, by patiently helping your partner lower their E(motion) level "below their ears," you make effective problem-solving possible. If you try to vent or problem-solve when your partner's E-level is "above their ears," s/he probably can't hear you well or at all. Does this match your experience?
  

 When to Listen Empathically

        Until it becomes a habit, consciously choose to use this skill when …

• Your true Self is solidly guiding your other subselves; and...

• You genuinely feel you and your partner are equals in human worth and dignity - i.e. when you have a stable =/= attitude; and…

• You're genuinely (vs. dutifully, "sort of," or strategically) interested in your partner, and…

• You're not too distracted to focus on them now; and specially when …

• Your partner's E(motion)-level is "above their ears" - i.e. when s/he's very emotional about something and can't really hear you for the moment. Noticing if your and/or a partner's E-level is "above or below their ears" is one focus of communication awareness.

       When you don't meet these five conditions, try to empower your Self (capital "S") and patiently use all seven communication skills to get your mutual needs met.

  How To "Listen With Your Heart" (thanks to Stephen Covey for this phrase)

        Tailor these options to fit your style and the situation. If you're undistracted and genuinely interested in your communication partner now...

• Check to see if your true Self is leading your other subselves now. If not, it will probably be harder to stay balanced, grounded, focused, patient, and non-judgmental.

• Remind yourself that (a) respectful empathic listening is a gift you may give, and (b) it does not necessarily mean ‘I agree with you’!"

• Temporarily set your own opinions, needs, and other priorities aside, and...

• Focus solely and empathically on your partner:

  • watch their face, eyes, body, and hands. Note postures, motions, expressions, and gestures, or lack of these (i.e. use awareness skill); and...

  • listen to their words and speech dynamics to guesstimate their main current thoughts, feelings, and needs. Then …

• From time to time when the speaker pauses...

briefly (use a few words or a phrase, at most);

in your own words (avoid parroting theirs);

summarize the essence of what you believe they're thinking, feeling emotionally and/or physically, and needing,...

without questions, comments, or solutions (this is the hard part!).

Use attentive posture; comfortable eye contact; and gestures, expressions, and intensity that match the speaker's.

       With practice, when you’re truly focused on and empathic with your communication partners, these elements will happen automatically, just as your fingers "know" how to tie a shoelace "by themselves." 

      If you're uncomfortable introjecting (summarizing while your partner is still talking), picture a butter knife inserted in a stream of water: if the blade is parallel to the flow (empathy), inserting it doesn't disturb the flow (your partner's focus and thought stream).

        Inserting your needs, opinions, or thoughts is an interruption, which is like turning the knife-blade sideways in the flow. Doing this usually signals you're locally controlled by a false self and your awareness "bubble" excludes your partner, so effective communication is unlikely.

       Some call this vital communication skill active listening, because it involves concentration, awarenesses, and periodic commenting by the listener, not just "sitting there nodding and grunting." Empathic listening is also called reflective listening and mirroring, because the listener tries to return only the gist of the thoughts and feelings they're getting - adding or subtracting nothing.


  What Does Empathic Listening Sound Like?

       Note the absence of questions and our favorite pronoun "I." "You're wondering about..." is probably a more effective empathic listening reflection than "I think you're wondering about..." because it's briefer, and focuses on your partner - not wonderful you.

Popular Alternatives

       When not aware of their option to listen empathically or controlled by a well-meaning false self, people (like you?) usually...

Lecture Vent Generalize Blame Defend Interrogate Pretend

Moralize Explain Fix Warn Disagree Ramble Tune out

Interrupt Question Reassure Monolog Analyze Change the subject Do two things at once

       Recall a time you needed to vent (be empathically heard), and got one or more of these responses. How did that feel to you? What did you do? All these unthinking responses can imply an insulting "I'm 1-up" R(espect) message to the speaker: "My current needs are more important to me than yours." Without awareness of our and our partner's current communication needs, it's easy to slip into one of these ineffective responses - specially if a false self is controlling your behavior!

Reality Check

        See how you feel now about this powerful relationship skill: T = true; F = false; and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"

I can name and describe the seven communication skills out loud now. (T  F  ?)

I can clearly describe to an average pre-teen: (a) empathy, (b) empathic listening, (c) E(motion) levels, and (d) how this skill differs from "regular listening." (T  F  ?)

I'm clear now on when to listen empathically. (T  F  ?)

I can describe the key benefits of using this skill now. (T  F  ?)

I can describe the difference between interrupting and interjecting now.  (T  F  ?)

I know which of the alternatives to empathic listening I usually use.  (T  F  ?)

I'm motivated to develop my empathic-listening skill now (a) at home and (b) at work or school (T  F  ?)

I'm usually comfortable (a) giving and (b) asking for hearing checks in key situations
(T  F  ?)

The kids in my life know how, when, and why to use empathic listening  (T  F  ?)

I accept the idea that normal people's personalities (like mine) are composed of talented subselves.  (T  F  ?)  If not, read this and try this safe interesting exercise.

My true Self is responding to this reality check now. If not, who is?

+ + +

       The goals of Project 2 are for you and a partner to...

• learn and adapt these seven skills to fit your personal communication styles;

• become fluent together in using the skills in any social situation, and then...

• invite other people to do the same, specially kids.

        Progress on these will improve everyone getting more primary needs met in a mutual-respectful  way. Note that these seven skills are just as effective among your busy, needy subselves!

       For added incentive, read this interesting excerpt by Dr. James J. Lynch on how listening lowers your heart rate and blood pressure in any situation. Then try...

• this skill-practice with a partner,

• this inventory of your listening habits, and...

• this quiz to see if you need to review communication basics.

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        Note this interesting item from Yahoo online news, 8/7/05:

The Daily Mail, quoting findings published in the specialist magazine NeuroImage, said researchers at Sheffield university in northern England discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.
 

Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism, it said.

The Mail quoted researcher Michael Hunter as saying, "The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural 'melody' in their voices.

"This causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male voice."

The findings may help explain why people suffering hallucinations usually hear male voices, the report added, as the brain may find it much harder to conjure up a false female voice accurately than a false male voice.

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Next: select from these other Project-2 articles, tools, and skill-practices. The Project-2 guidebook is Satisfactions - 7 relation skills you need to know 

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