3)
Evolve your own
clear definition of effective
thinking, and practice using it to gauge your status and
progress. Try saying your definition out loud now. Two signs of effective
thinking and awareness are (a) feeling calm, centered, secure, and serene;
and (b) consistent clarity on your current
and potential ways to fill them.
4) Coach yourself to
notice your body signals in all situations, and develop awareness of feelings
that indicate false-self control.
Conversely, notice how your body feels when your Self is
your
other subselves and your thinking is effective. "Noticing"
improves when you (a) breathe from your belly, and (b) ask yourself with an
open mind "What am I feeling physically right now? in random and important
situations.
5) Practice viewing
(a) personal
and interpersonal "problems" as unfilled needs, and (b) each
adult and child's non-emergency needs as being just as legitimate and worthy as
yours. That
will promote wanting to
"What do you and I
right now?"
When
true Selves are in the lead, discovering mutual current primary needs
allows
win-win
if both people
have reasonable fluency in using
these
Option 6)
Regard all your emotions
as useful signals
about current needs. If your
and/or
were trained to denounce anger, fear, shame, confusion, frustration, and
guilt as bad or negative, they are (a)
ignoring what your other subselves are trying to communicate,
and (b) probably shaming them. That hinders inner-family harmony, and
degrades your thinking!
Note the difference between feeling an emotion and expressing it.
When people label an emotion "bad" or "negative," they're usually referring
to (a) related discomfort ("guilt feels bad") and (b) ways of expression ("When Chris gets angry s/he screams and gets
physically violent.") This labeling promotes guilt and shame, and hinders
effective communication and problem-solving.
Accepting that all emotions are valuable rather than good or bad
may be a second-order (core-attitude)
Option 7) Learn and practice the
seven
in
Then use the skills and these communication-process
terms to try
communication sequences between
(a) conflicted
subselves and (b) you and other people. Use awareness and mapping
to spot situational and/or chronic ineffective thinking, so you can improve
it. You can also use mapping to spot any of these common communication blocks - and then use the seven skills to resolve them!
8) Coach yourself and
those you love to become fuzzy and "hand-grenade"
word hunters.
Vague Words and
Misunderstanding
People who have chronic trouble resolving conflicts (thinking) well often...
-
use vague, general pronouns, and/or...
-
don't check to see if
their partner decodes the meaning of key words the way they do.
Common vague terms are it,
that,
those, the problem, this issue, these things, and
them in talking about complex
personal and social problems. For
instance,
"We have to find a way to
make it better."
is far less likely to promote
and problem-solving
than...
"I need to understand
specifically what you need from me now
about my daughter's recent disrespectful behavior."
|
Option - build the habit of respectfully
asking yourself and your
communication partners "What is it | that
| the problem
| them
| those things
| all
that stuff
| deal with |...?" Often that will uncover
an inadequate vocabulary and/or ineffective thinking and unseen
false-self dominance.
|
Another type of fuzzy terminology (and thinking) is
using
general or slang terms to mean specific things. For instance, if you say
"At times, you really upset me," you'll have a harder time
unearthing what you need than if you choose more
specific words like...
"Wanda, when you repeatedly interrupt me before I'm
finished speaking,
I feel disrespected, hurt, frustrated, and like clamming up and
walking out."
Composing statements like this
takes intentional focus and awareness
until it becomes a habit.
Option: develop your skill and reflex to
in important situations - i.e. to do "hearing checks"
with your active subselves and outer partners.
This can expose misunderstandings and wrong assumptions over
key words or phrases. For example, you say calmly...
"So Martha, you're
asking me for more intimacy, meaning better sex."
and she replies...
"No! Honey, I
need more time just holding each other, and talking like we used
to. I really need to know how you're feeling, and what you want.
You rarely talk about those, and I feel shut out, frustrated, and
anxious. Our love-making is usually fine for me."
Hand-grenade Words and
Phrases
"Hand-grenade" words and phrases are
terms that provoke significant hurt, guilt, shame, fear, disgust, and anger in one or
more people. Using
provocative language can activate the listener's false self and
instantly raise their
so they lose their ability to hear.
People accumulate different collections of hand-grenade words. Option
- evolve a list of such terms that occur in your inner
and outer relationships, and consciously choose to avoid them. That
will probably require your Self (capital "S") to confront your
and/or
who
love those terms! Examples:
|
moron,
dumb,
dumb-ass, stupid, stupidity
sexist / macho / chauvinistic
/
mama's boy
selfish, self-centered,
egotistical, arrogant
real
wo/man / husband / wife / partner / parent /...
snob, snobbish, stuck up,
bully, dictator
abort, abortion, abortionist, baby killer |
rape, raped
ignorant
overreact
manipulative
neglectful
sin, sinner
childish
sleazy |
coward, wimp
thoughtless
controlling
brainless
weakling
whore, prick
immature
loser / failure |
irresponsible
insensitive
mental case
liar / con
sicko, wacko
racist, bigot
pig-headed
idiot / retard |
Other powerful hand-grenade
words denote racial or religious scorn, disrespect, and bigotry.
The way
these words are spoken (voice tone, inflection, facial expression) can make
them explosive or OK. Umbrella terms
for using provocative,
words like these
are "name-calling," "being mean," "foul-mouthed," and "blaming."
Chronic or situational use of provocative terms and phrases usually signals (a) a false self
controls the speaker, and
(b) s/he is
of - or doesn't care about - the effects of their behavior on the receiver
or their relationship. The speaker's ruling subselves have a 1-up
(superior)
and a one-person or no-person
For example:
"Jeff, when it
comes to confronting your ex wife, you turn into a
spineless,
yellow-bellied coward." (hand-grenade phrase)
may really mean...
"Jeff I'm
frustrated, confused, and scared. I need to regain my respect
for you, and my trust in you to help
keep our relationship safe by wanting to be more assertive with
your ex wife for your sake, not to please me." (Note
- this can be received as an unintended communication block called a
Is it your experience that
ineffective thinking and unawareness usually promote
each other?
The more important you feel a situation or relationship is, the
more you can benefit from being alert for (a) vague and provocative
terms, and (b) for people (or subselves) having different interpretations of key
words and phrases. The learnable communication skills of
(talking about
communicating), and
are major
helps here. These apply to the way you think
(your subselves communicate) as well as
how you talk!
Another option toward more effective
thinking is...
Option 9)
"Build your vocabulary, for sharper thinking and speaking."
This may feel pretty vague and overwhelming. Try restricting your learning
goals to several classes of words and
phrases. For instance, patiently expand your
inventory of words that describe...
Does building special
vocabularies like these feel more do-able than learning the whole dictionary?
Breaking big tasks into manageable chunks and prioritizing
them is
typical of a
in charge. Do the
young people in your life know how and when to do this yet?
10)
Coach yourself to identify specifically what
you expect from yourself and others. Typical
over-busy (wounded) adults and
all kids are...
-
unaware of or can't articulate what they expect from themselves
and others,
and/or...
-
they haven't explained or confirmed their expectations; and/or...
-
they haven't reality-checked whether their expectations
are realistic or appropriate now.
All of these promote ineffective
thinking and communicating.
A tragically frequent example of this is expecting a
- including yourself - to behave like an informed person guided by their
true Self.
This is as unrealistic as expecting the person to rise into the air by
flapping their arms. Unawareness of - and unrealistic - role and
relationship expectations are frequent stressors in typical troubled (low
nurturance) families and
new stepfamilies,
Option 11)
Work with a respectful, co-motivated partner
to learn and practice these effective-thinking (communicating) options. Having Self-led,
informed partners to exchange supportive feedback
with can reduce distortions and other blocks and speed your learning and
skill-building. It's also
more fun!
+ + +
We just reviewed 11 practical options for improving your mental
awareness and effectiveness. Other powerful ways to improve your thinking
efficiency are to study (a) how coherently you structure your sentences
(thought streams), and (b) how you process your information inputs
(perceptions) - i.e.
logic and logical
inference and deduction. These are beyond the scope of this
series.
Recap
Other than breathing, you and your
loved ones rely on thinking more than any
other ability to identify and fill your current primary needs. All your
internal and interpersonal communications are based on how your conscious
and unconscious minds translate current perceived (emotional +
physical + spiritual + mental) sensations into conclusions and primary needs.
The several ways they translate are collectively called "thinking."
This three-Webpage article starts with proposed definitions, and a
self-interview
to help you learn "what you think about how you
think." Page 2 and this page propose (a) reasons that
ineffective thinking is widespread in our culture, and
(b) 11 specific choices you have to combat these reasons, and
raise the effectiveness of your mental processing over time. All 11 promote three
basic objectives:
Replace
chronic numbness and distraction with (physical + mental + emotional + spiritual)
awareness and focusing; so you can...
Become accurately
aware of the way you're used to translating (inner
+ outer events) into current needs, and then intentionally improve
your translation process - your thinking effectiveness - over
time; and....
Patiently learn...
-
a bigger (more precise) vocabulary;
-
six other communication
skills, and what you can do with them; and
-
how to
what
you and other people
at any time, and
-
how to creatively brainstorm your current
need-filling options, vs. using black/white (two-option) "bipolar" thinking.
This article proposes that
a vital first step is to assess "Who's running my life - my true
Self, or other subselves?"
your Self (capital "S") to
guide
your personality over time will probably reduce ineffective thinking (subselves
babbling, interrupting, talking simultaneously, and arguing) significantly by itself.
in this
nonprofit site and its
offer many ideas, suggestions, and resources on how to
reduce false-self dominance and related wounds over time.
As we end our exploration of clear thinking, enjoy musing on what you're thinking about all the ideas and
premises here. Then wonder "Which
are causing those
thoughts right now?"
Next:
As you clarify your thinking, a potent new skill
opens up: digging down to discern your and your
partner's current primary needs.
Pause and reflect - what's your
now? Recall why you
began reading this article - do these concepts and options help to fill your
needs? Are you motivated to try these options and learn what happens?
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The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/02/think1.htm