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http://sfhelp.org/10/kid-needs.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article
is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This
article summarizes
three sets of typical concurrent adjustment needs. Your kids depend on you caregivers to help
fill their special and normal developmental needs so they can become
self-sufficient adults
and (perhaps) effective parents. This summary is illustrative vs. "perfect," so edit it as you see fit.
It's based on
29 years' clinical research and consulting experience with
members of well over
500 Midwestern U.S. divorcing families and stepfamilies. For perspective,
review this widely-accepted summary of normal human (child and adult)
developmental needs
proposed by psychologist Erik Erikson.
For perspective, first read these recent research summaries suggesting
that...
Premise: families exist to nurture - to fill
adults' and kids' needs. Marital separation and divorce, mate/parent death, and
co-parent
re/marriage cause special adjustment needs. Can you name them?
|
My
experience as a stepfamily clinician and researcher since 1979 is that
typical
and stepfamily co-parents can't name most of
their kids' (or their own) adjustment needs, or even some of their normal developmental
needs. That implies that
such caregivers can't
effectively, which puts their kids at risk of
(a) slow or blocked development, and
(b) evolving a
to survive. |
Healing inner
wounds from unintended
nurturance deprivations
plus...
Adapting to family changes
from parental separation and
or death; and also...
Adjusting to another
complex
extended-family
when one of their bioparents re/marries and/or
co-habits, and then possibly...
Adjusting to another
wave of
and role, relationship, and family-ritual adjustments
if their other
bioparent re/marries and/or
cohabits. And later, millions of these kids...
Must also adjust to (a)
stepfamily nurturance-deprivations and/or (b)
breaking up within 10 years
of stepfamily co-habiting.
These
several sets of concurrent needs...
-
usually overlap each other
and the kids' ~25
developmental needs; and...
-
require special co-parental
teamwork, and dedication to fill well enough; while...
-
each child's
co-parents and up to eight
are
filling
their own family-adjustment needs.
"An effective co-parent" may be defined as "a
stepparent or bioparent who (a) understands each of these fours sets of needs,
and is (b) motivated and (c) skilled at helping dependent kids fill them well
enough (in somebody's view) before they leave home." Note that "co-parent"
is
a
not a person.
In addition to their developmental needs, kids of significantly-wounded parents have...
2) Psychological-healing (Recovery) Needs
About 90% of modern U.S. stepfamilies follow the
divorce of one or both re/marrying partners. A basic premise here is that
mate
separation and divorce is a sign of probable (a)
nurturance deprivations and (b) significant trauma in one or both
partners' childhood years. What do you think?
|
Premise: typical
kids growing up in significantly low-nurturance
homes, schools, and communities adapt automatically by
developing a protective
to
(vs. thrive). Over
time, the child's view of normal forms
around this false self's perception of life, and how "life" reacts to
the false self's behavior. In extreme cases of
and neglect,
this may manifest as "Multiple Personality Disorder," now called
"Dissociative Identity Disorder." See
these brief
research summaries that support this
premise. |
Bottom
line: I believe most parents who separate or divorce are
psychologically
and dominated by a survival-oriented
false self.
Until they
and work to
their
to manage their
they'll unconsciously encourage false-self formation
in their kids like their ancestors did.
This presents each adult and child with some mix of the
psychological-healing needs below, on top of their normal developmental
needs. Recognizing and filling these inner-healing needs
is
ongoing, often not starting until
middle age. Kids aren't aware of these needs, and can't ask for
help with them. The other family-adjustment needs below usually arise before this healing begins...
My experience is that in our
society, most
of low-nurturance childhoods never
understand and accept their inner wounds. Most men and
women die without knowing who they really were, and what their lives could have been. Fortunately, the 1980s
"Adult Child" and "Inner Child" movements and spreading Internet
access are combining to combat
this.
The numbering below continues from these
25 common
developmental needs. Numbers in parentheses
refer to related developmental needs. These recovery needs are
not ranked in importance. Each wounded child or young adult has her or his own mix of these:
_ 26)
his or
her
true Self to harmonize and lead their
(personality).
This usually requires some meaningful form of
over some time.
in this site focuses on this healing.
_ 27)
Reduce
excessive
to healthy levels: intentionally reverse low self-esteem and self-respect, over time, and
ultimately develop unconditional
and selected others (4). A parallel healing-need is to...
_ 28) Change
compulsive
to authentic (vs. dutiful)
self-care and self-nurturance (5); and...
_ 29) Replace
and expectation
of abandonment by key caregivers with steady faith in a loving and
reliable
+ key other people
+ self-competence. Parallel needs are
reducing excessive fears of the unknown + normal
interpersonal conflict + "failure" + emotional overwhelm (22);
And typical kids
of parental divorce and re/marriage need to...
_ 30) Convert vague or
distorted self-perceptions, including gender identity, to clear, healthy, and
appropriate senses of their unique true Self. This includes developing and accepting a
realistic body image;
_ 31) (a)
Convert habitual
self-doubt, ambivalence, and uncertainty
into self confidence, and (b) grow merited
in the
dependability and good intentions of most caregivers and adult authorities
(22);
_ 32) Develop the abilities to
(a) fully feel and (b) express
all emotions within appropriate limits, without guilt, shame, or
anxiety; and to (c) be comfortable
enough with others doing the same - specially
sadness, despair, and fear. Failure to fill these three needs will seriously inhibit
a
child’s ability to
communicate
effectively, and manage
interpersonal conflict well;
_ 33)
Develop the
abilities to tolerate (a) change, (b) uncertainty,
(c) inner-personal and interpersonal conflict, (d) imperfection, and (e) healthy intimacies.
usually
hinder this;
_ 34) Replace toxic ways of self-soothing
(e.g.
reality
and avoidances) with
habits and
healthy sources of comfort
and reassurance (7, 23);
_ 35) Strengthen their ability to
form real (vs. faked)
attachments to
healthy
people, ideas, and goals. This is one necessity for personal intimacy and
effective co-parenting;
A final over-arching adjustment need for kids raised with too little
early-childhood
nurturance is to...
_ 36) Believe
without ambivalence
that their lives have intrinsic worth, promise, and real meaning, vs. old
pessimism, worthlessness, and inner
emptiness (5, 19, 20).
Continue
with typical kids' basic divorce-adjustment and stepfamily-adjustment