The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/addicted.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup,
so please turn off your
brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes
the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
| This article
is written to
co-parents
who believe that their or their partner's former
mate is probably or surely "addicted" - i.e. has a toxic compulsion
to self-medicate themselves. It's also written to co-parents' relatives and
supporters, and older kids in their family. This article offers... |
Related articles
in this series describe
options for managing your own addiction,
and for adapting to an addicted mate,
relative, or
child.
To get the most from this
article, first study...
Why Does This Article Exist?
My
professional research and experience with over 1,000 typical Midwestern
co-parents over
30 years suggests
that...
-
a high percentage of typical divorced
American parents and/or their ancestors were or are addicted to
Where so, that suggests significant psychological
and
and
("dysfunctional") childhood and current families;
-
until well along in true (vs. pseudo) wound-
average
adults repeatedly choose wounded partners - who may be addicted
themselves; and...
-
children raised by addicted adults are at
significant risk of developing psychological ("false self") wounds as
they try to survive, vs. thrive.
Implication - many divorcing families
and stepfamilies include one or more addicted co-parents. The addict is
often a parent and someone's ex mate. This amplifies major
to co-parental teamwork, reduces their family's nurturance level,
and promotes legal or psychological re/divorce. The "/" notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union.
The main reasons this and related articles exist are to (a) help co-parents
protect dependent kids from the toxic effects of the epidemic [wounds +
unawareness]
and (b) reduce the significant odds of family stress and re/divorce
trauma.
What's Unique About Addicted Ex Mates?
Deciding that your or your partner's
ex mate is wounded and addicted
implies...
you may be
significantly wounded and denying that;
you may have made up to
three unwise
which cannot be undone;
your primary relationship,
if any, may
be in jeopardy; and...
any kids you're co-parenting are at risk of inheriting significant
false-self wounds.
These implications are specially scary if you've been
in a committed relationship before, and/or you're in mid-life or older. Pause and
notice where your thoughts go now...
These scary factors can promote your...
-
that your
ex mate may be wounded and addicted (reality distortion),
-
denying, ignoring, or discounting the personal and family
of
the ex-mate's wounds and addiction, and/or your...
-
admitting s/he is significantly wounded and
addicted, and doing nothing about that - i.e.
the addict, and
promoting a low-nurturance family. And if a false self
runs your life...
-
the risk of
and trying to
(take
responsibility for) an addicted ex-mate is higher than with others you care
about.
|
This
article aims to raise your awareness of these factors so you can make wise
short and long-term decisions on how to adapt to - vs. "fix" - an addicted (wounded) ex
mate.
|
First Things First
See if you agree with these ideas:
any addiction (toxic compulsion) is a sure symptom of
major
false-self
(psychological)
and personal
addictions can be controlled (vs.
cured), once the person hits true (vs. pseudo)
and
wants to learn a new way of managing their pain
and reducing their inner wounds.
Without family (vs. personal)
awareness and true (vs. pseudo)
wounds and unawareness
the generations
and spread, stressing and weakening our society.
Until typical
(GWCs) choose true (vs. pseudo) wound-recovery, they unconsciously select other
psychologically-wounded people as partners and associates
over and over again, despite painful results.
If
you don't accept these premises, this article will probably not be of much
use to you. If you do agree, then...
Check Yourself
The
first thing to do if you feel someone's ex mate has an addiction is to
for (a) false-self wounds and (b) your own addiction - specially
codependence.
Recall that some protective
distort reality. That can
cause you to deny, minimize, or
rationalize any signs of wounds or addiction in you and/or others. If you feel you have
significant
of an addiction,
make
reducing that a higher priority than assessing
the ex mate for
wounds and addiction. Well-meaning Guardian subselves will try to persuade
you to ignore, discount, or delay doing this.
If (a) you have significant
and perhaps your own
addiction/s, and (b) you're not steadily giving high priority to reducing
them now, this article will probably be of little practical use to
you.
To adapt to an addicted co-parent and protect any dependent kids from
the [wounds + ignorance]
you
and other family adults need accurate knowledge of some key
concepts. To see what you know now, try this...
Status Check. When you're not distracted, reflect honestly on these
statements. T
= true; F = false,
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
Option - print this and give it to other relevant people to assess
their knowledge.
I can describe the concepts of (a)
(b)
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I accept
that personality subselves are normal and real, not
"pathological." (T F ?) If you don't,
read this letter to you, and try
this interesting, safe exercise.
I can
(a) clearly explain the difference between a
low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and
(b) I can describe at
least 10 typical traits of the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that (a) a true
addiction is a sign of a low-nurturance family, and that
(b addiction is a family problem, not a personal
one. (T F ?)
I believe addicts are wounded
and cannot control their compulsion without informed help. They are not weak-willed, sick,
immoral, a "loser," or
irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can
clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to personality subselves.
(T F ?)
I can clearly define (a) what an
addiction is, and
(b) the four kinds of addiction. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe what
(a) psychological
is, and
(b) what needs it serves in an addict’s family. (T F ?)
I can
describe at least four of the common
traits
(symptoms) of an addiction now. (T F ?)
I can describe (a) the main difference between preliminary
(addiction) recovery and full (inner-wound)
and
(b) why the former is required for the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having "an addictive
personality" really means "having a
(being
controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or what to do about
it." (T F ?)
I can clearly
describe (a) the difference between
and
(b) what it means to have an active relationship with a
caring, responsive Higher Power. (T F ?)
I can
describe (a)
pseudo recovery from addiction,
(b)
(c)
(d) (e) addiction
relapses, and
(f) how well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F
?)
I
understand the 12 "Anonymous"
steps for addiction-management now. (T
F ?) .
My
true Self is
to these items now or I know which other subself is responding. (T
F ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling and thinking now...When you
have (a) assessed yourself for
false-self wounds and (b) can confidently answer T(rue)
to each of the items above, you're ready to...
Check Your
Partner and Your Relationship
If you have no primary partner or don't expect to have one, skip to
here.
This nonprofit Web site proposes that
family health is greatest if
the adults consistently want to put their
first, their primary relationship second,
and everything else third, except in emergencies. Does this describe your
recent actions (vs. your words)?
If you are in a committed primary
relationship now, assessing your
partner and your relationship is a higher priority than assessing an ex mate
for addiction, unless you believe someone is in current danger. If
your reaction to this premise begins with "Yes, but..."; a false self
probably controls you.
To assess (a) your partner for
false-self wounds and (b) possible addiction, see these
options.
How well and how often are your respective
being filled
recently? If you conclude "not well enough," you
probably have several fundamental
to admit and improve, not just
confronting an ex-mate's addiction and its effects on your multi-home family.
If the probable addict is your partner's ex mate, how does
s/he feel about your assessing his or her ex for addiction? If your mate is
significant anxious, indifferent, ambivalent, or resistant, s/he may be...
If so, resolving any
to full cooperation with you is probably a
higher priority than assessing the ex mate for toxic compulsions.
If you feel you and your partner have no major wounds, addictions,
ambivalences, or
primary-relationship problems now, then
you're ready to...
Assess the Ex Mate
If you seek to learn whether someone's ex is addicted or not,
refocus on the real questions:
-
"Does this person have
symptoms of major false
self wounds? If so,
-
does s/he know that and what that means
(a)
and (b)
to our family and descendents?"
The
main reason to assess this is to protect the the current and long-term welfare of
the kids you co-parents are raising. If you have a partner, the second
reason is to protect your primary relationship from major conflicts, frustrations,
and anxieties ("stress") related to an ex's wounds and addiction.
A) Is the Ex Wounded?
Use all 12 Project-1 worksheets
to answer this question if your true Self is
If your Self is not guiding your other subselves, expect skewed results.
If
the ex seems to have few
false-self (wound) traits, s/he probably does not have a true
addiction - and vice versa. If s/he does seem significantly wounded, see and discuss
these options with other family adults and
supporters. If you and your partner disagree over the ex's woundedness
and what that means to you all, work
to fully resolve your conflicts
before assessing...
B) Is the Ex Mate Addicted?
Stay aware that there are
not just compulsive use of
toxic substances. Begin
to evaluate possible addiction in the ex mate by learning the
traits of any addiction. These
traits indicate two things:
-
is the person truly addicted vs. just
"overdoing it"? If so,
-
where is s/he and her or his family in the progression of the addiction -
early, middle, or late phase?
Answering the second question helps you determine how best
to intervene. Recall that a useful diagram of this progression showing the
common sequence of behaviors is called the
Jellinek
Curve. It was originally designed to show the
progression of alcoholism in an individual (vs. a family) by
identifying a sequence of characteristic behaviors.
Addiction to activities (e.g.
workaholism
and excessive cleaning,
worship, eating, or
gambling), relationships
(codependence), mood states (e.g. rageaholism,
or sexual
excitement), or other substances
(e.g. fat, sugar, and other drugs) may not have the same specific behaviors as
alcoholism (like "blackouts"), but
the Curve illustrates the theme of
inexorable addiction-behavior progression.
Make a preliminary judgment as to what
the ex mate may be addicted to, and then search the Web for related addiction
traits and appropriate variations of the Curve for that addiction - e.g. a
diagram of progressive behaviors for an
over-eating,
shoplifting, or
gambling
compulsion.
The safest way to make an accurate
judgment is to hire a professional addictions counselor to help you. If you decide that
the ex is addicted, a qualified counselor
can also help you judge (a) whether you are unintentionally
this person, and (b) how the ex mate's addiction is affecting your family's
nurturance level.
Because
each addiction has its own rituals and progression traits, seek a
professional who specializes in your mate's particular compulsion.
It's unlikely that you'll find a counselor who is familiar with personality
subselves and they relate to addictions and recovery. Even if they're not
willing to learn about these, they can probably still be a great help.
Caution - avoid blindly
accepting the opinion of a well-meaning friend or relative about the ex's
being addicted or not. Most people don't know addiction and false-self wound
basics, so their opinions are often wrong. Example: people with fundamentalist religious beliefs who
rigidly insist
that addiction is an individual (vs. family) problem and is "the devil's
work" which can only be healed by "spiritual warfare" or equivalent.
Well-informed clergy and congregations can be a major
resource for addicted families!
Continue with options for adapting to
an ex mate's wounds and addiction
Note -
if your browser doesn't display these presentations properly,