Improve Stepparent - Stepchild Trust

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/distrust.htm

        This is one of a series of Web articles suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and step-family relationship problems. This subseries focuses on solving problems between stepparents and step-kids. Most solutions apply equally to single parents and their minor and grown kids.

        This gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best use it. Clicking on any link will open a popup or new browser window, so turn off your browser's popup blocker. Use your browser's "back" button to return. The "/" in "re/marriage" notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. The ideas here aim to augment, not replace, qualified professional counsel.

        This article explores (a) what trust is, and where it comes from; (b) four types of stepparent-stepchild trust, (c) six common causes of distrust, and (d) key options for mutual trust-building, over time. The article assumes you'/re familiar with these ideas...

• the premises that underlie this non-profit Web site

• the basic suggestions that begin this subseries; 

• factors promoting a high-nurturance family and a healthy relationship;

• basic stepfamily facts and implications;  

• five reasons typical stepfamily co-parents are highly stressed, and the problems they cause;

• 12 projects partners can work at together to build a thriving stepfamily over time;

• what typical stepkids need;

• questions and answers about stepparenting and stepkids; and...

• an overview of reducing "trust disorders."

        For more perspective and ideas, read about improving trust between mates and between ex mates.

        Do you distrust a stepchild now? Does s/he distrust you about something? What would your stepson (daughter) and mate say? Four key ingredients in relating well with your stepchild/ren are each of you steadily trusting (a) yourself and (b) each other in various ways. Interpersonal trust grows from direct experience over time (“Eventually the rain will stop”), or the endorsement of someone you trust ("I know Jim well. You can absolutely rely on him.").

        Microsoft Bookshelf (1996) defines trust as "firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing." Reliance is expecting and depending on something without question. Integrity comes from integer (oneness), which happens when your personality subselves are harmonious, and your actions consistently match your values and words. Think of someone you trust without question. Does the definition above fit? Now think of someone you distrust. Bring those people along as you read this article.

About Dis/trust

        Could you help an eight-year-old understand what trust is, and why we all need it? Your distrust reaction started the first time you felt discomfort as an infant. Trust and doubt are powered by our ceaseless need for emotional, physical, and spiritual comfort. We grow to trust (believe) that people, ideas, and behaviors will or won’t cause us harm or pain. Does this match your experience? Implication: there are as many things you may dis/trust as there are sources of bodily and emotional pain.

Trust What?

        What are common things you and your stepchild need to trust about yourselves and each other? How about...

_ telling the truth _ keeping your word (promises) _ caring genuinely, vs. dutifully or falsely _ being self-responsible, vs. blaming others _ being consistent (predictable) _ genuine forgiveness, and _ being reasonably tolerant _ wanting to listen  when you can, and _ saying so when you can’t (vs. “faking it”)

_ being on time _ saying honestly what you mean and need, vs. hinting, lying, or double messages   _ using "good judgment" (according to someone) _ providing something tangible (like food) or invisible (like companionship) that we need _ genuinely respecting your needs, boundaries, values, opinions, worth, and property

        Can you think of other key relationship trust factors? Notice some things that aren’t included, like love, loyalty, and friendship. Like trust, those are spontaneous and variable. One implication from this summary is that we may trust some things about another person more than others. "I trust you totally" covers them all.

        From 1 (total distrust) to 10 (total trust), how firmly do you rely on your stepchild on each factor above? We'll look at their trust in you on page 2. Option: ask your partner to assess her or his trust in this child on each factor, and compare notes.

         As you do, notice if you mates feel like teammates or opponents. If either of you are significantly wary or uncomfortable here, you probably have one or several loyalty conflicts and related relationship triangles to resolve together.

        Your reading this article implies...

• (1) you and/or (2) a stepchild distrusts the other in one or more of the factors above, and/or...

• (3) you don't trust yourself, and/or (4) s/he doesn't trust her/himself in one or more of them. A probable overarching fifth problem is that...

• you don’t have an effective way to improve your trust yet.

These are surface (secondary) problems. There are primary problems that cause them.

Prepare to Build Trust

        Begin improving trust by separating any overlapping relationship-problems you have with your stepchild. One at a time, focus on each distrusted child and decide if recently…

_ I respect this child enough, and _ s/he respects me enough.

_ S/He obeys me often enough

_ S/He and I have no major boundary (privacy and limit-setting) problems recently.

_ S/He and I _ acknowledge (vs. ignore) each other often enough, _ respectfully  enough.

_ S/He and I have no significant _ hostility toward or _ guilts about each other.

_ I feel this child is not blocked in grieving major losses;

_ S/He and I are clear on what to call each other.

_ S/He and I have no major sexual tensions.

_ Something else significantly bothers one of us about the other, and/or...

_ I have a values and/or loyalty conflict, and/or a relationship triangle about some of these problems with one or more other adults.

        Each of these is a separate role or relationship problem. Once you've separated overlapping problems with your stepchild, you're better able to discern...

The Primary Problems

        Let's look at each of the four surface problems, starting with

1) If You Distrust Yourself...

        Do you often question your own behavior with, or attitudes about, your stepchild [e.g. “I'm not sure I know how to be genuine with her, or see things from her point of view”]? If so, you probably have a domi-nant Doubter personality subself who takes over your true Self.

        One symptom of this is not disclosing to your partner how you really feel about her or his child/ren. Option: review these false-self traits. If you have “too many,” learn about personal recovery from them via Project 1.

2) If You Distrust Your Stepchild...

        You mates may have up to six primary problems to reduce:

        A) You see the child as causing something that was or is really caused by you co-parents. Avoid-ing responsibility is caused by unawareness + ignorance + false-self wounds. For example, if you're impatient, harsh, aggressive, inconsistent, aloof, cold, or (seem) unfair in responding to your stepchild's attitudes and actions, s/he learns that being honest with you isn't safe (causes pain).

       S/He’ll learn the same if your mate takes your side in conflicts “too much,” (a loyalty conflict) without listening empathically and genuine problem solving. Accusing your stepson or daughter of lying, coward-ice, disrespect, or “laziness” amplifies this problem - specially if you're sarcastic or belittling. S/He may also resent or fear you for the way you treat his or her mother, father, and/or another child.

        Options: With your mate, evolve (a) effective communication skills and (b) an effective co-parenting team. Try (c) mapping recent communication sequences between you and your stepchild to see if s/he's receiving "=/=" R-messages from you, and feeling consistently heard (vs. agreed with) by you. If not, seek what blocks you from providing those. Another powerful option is to (d) dig down together to illuminate whose primary needs are unfilled, and who is responsible for filling them.

        Also (e) discuss whether your stepchild knows how to _ identify and _ assert her or his primary needs respectfully with you and others. If not, (f) patiently teach the child the seven communication skills, and (g) consistently model them. With your mate, (h) help your stepchild build and use a Bill of Personal Rights to found their assertions. While you're at it, (i) review and affirm your own Bill. Do you have one yet?

        If you haven't parented before, or you haven't parented a child the age or gender of your stepchild, you may have unrealistic expectations of them and/or yourself. For instance, most kids lie at times because they're confused, scared, or ashamed (remember?).

        Option: (j) admit your inexperience without guilt or shame, and (k) make yourself an expert, over time, on _ what kids like your stepchild need at their age, and _ what's "normal" behavior for a stepchild. As you do, I encourage you to (l) not _ compare yourself to veteran bioparents and/or _ compare your stepchild to kids in intact biofamilies.

        Another common primary cause of distrusting your stepchild is…

B) Your stepchild is significantly wounded psychologically, vs. being crazy, lazy, over-selfish, dumb, or a liar, sneak, or thief. All the dis/trust factors above are symptoms of false-self dominance and low-nurturance co-parenting.

        Options: (a) All your co-parents discuss this article on co-parenting wounded ("troubled") stepkids. Face the painful reality that kids develop conflicted personalities when their main caregivers are too wounded and/or don’t know how to nurture effectively. If you feel your stepchild has significant false-self wounds, (b) you adults have three opportunities:

• work patiently to identify and reduce your own wounds,

• intentionally raise the nurturance-level of your stepchild’s homes, and...

• help each stepchild develop and empower her or his true Self. See Project 1, Project 10, and the other articles in this subseries.

        A third possible root cause of significant mistrust between you and your stepchild is…

        C) One or both of you are blocked in grieving major losses from (a) early childhood, (b) family separation and divorce, and/or (c) parental re/marriage and cohabiting. Blocked grief can distract kids and adults from growing merited trust and bonding with new steprelatives, over time.

        For example, if your stepchild’s dominant personality subselves lack consistent inner and outer permissions  to mourn, they can get “stuck” in the anger phase of grief. That can promote lying, stealing, evading, procrastinating, etc. to indirectly express their outrage despite painful consequences. These behaviors and double messages (from different subselves) inhibit your trusting the child’s honesty, intentions, and reliability.

        Conversely, if you are stuck in the rage-phase of grief, your stepchild won’t trust that you’re safe to be with or that you “like” him or her. This is specially likely if s/he’s ruled by shamed, guilty, or fearful subselves. One result: protective evasion, lying, double messages, paralysis, c/overt “rebellion,” and an escalating web of related secondary problems like loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles.

        Options: (a) Study Project 5, and (b) assess yourself, each other co-parent, and your stepchild for blocked grief. If you find significant symptoms, (c) accept that that usually indicates psychological wounding + adult ignorance about healthy grieving. Help each other with (d) any needed Project-1 healing, (e) evolve and implement a “pro-grief” policy in your stepfamily homes, and (f) discuss your options for helping your stepchild (and you all) resume healthy grieving.

        Another possible root-cause of significant distrust (and other stepparent-stepchild relationship problems) is…

        D) Your stepchild feels overwhelmed by his or her many overlapping developmental and family-adjustment needs, and s/he can't say this, or what help s/he needs. The resulting erratic behavior and mood swings, specially if puberty is blooming, blocks your trust in the child's consistency, good inten-tions, honesty, and reliability. This overwhelm is specially likely if the child and one or more primary caregivers is often ruled by a false self (B above), and/or rejects your stepfamily identity.

        Options: (a) assess whether all your co-parents accept your stepfamily identity and what it means. If not, (b) act on options from Projects 3 and 4 together. Also, (c) use your Project-2 communication skills to clarify what _ you adults and _ your stepchild most need, and (d) help each other to prioritize and fill those needs a few at a time. (e) Long-term, assess for significant co-parenting barriers that inhibit your homes' nurturance levels, and work patiently at appropriate options from Projects 9 and 10.

        Yet another primary problem that may add to your distrust for your stepchild is...

        E) You're confusing your stepchild's need to repeatedly test your new stepfamily relationships for safety with "untrustworthy" behavior and character traits ("Ramona's just a selfish, irresponsible sneak and a pathological liar, that's all.") Most co-parents and many professionals under-appreciate how powerful a minor stepchild's need is for psychological and physical safety for themselves and vulnerable parents and siblings.

        Every family your stepchild has belonged to has broken up. At least one bioparent left (abandoned) them, love and visitations notwithstanding. These cause agonizing losses, guilts, shame, confusion, and fears. Every stepchild instinctively needs to prove that their new stepfamily homes are a reliable refuge. Does this make sense?

        Typical kids of parental divorce or death and re/marriage are amazingly creative, resourceful, and determined at finding ways to test and retest to see if their caregiver/s will abandon them again. One way to test is to act untrustworthy, and see what happens in and between their homes.

        The pain that may result may be more tolerable than their unconscious terror of adult abandonment and dying because they can't survive on their own. This may be more complex and dramatic with stepteens wrestling with hormones, social challenges, and seeking independence.

        Option: You co-parents (a) acknowledge your identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily; i.e. do Project 3 together. (b) Invite your key relatives and supporters to agree. If you can't, someone's ruled by a false self and/or unaware of stepfamily realities. The long-term solution lies in their becoming self-motivated to (c) assess for wounds and reduce them, and to (d) learn four vital topics.

        Option: (d) you co-parents acknowledge together that your stepkids need to test for family and personal security. Reassuring words and logic may help locally, but won’t soothe this primal (subself) fear. Experience over many months and situations is the real teacher. Remember how you tested for security and limits as a kid, and in new situations - including dating? Consider sharing those stories with your kids as a fellow traveler, not a preacher.

        (e) Validate your stepchild's need to test for safety, affirm and encourage her or his efforts, and find ways to help the child build security, rather than criticize him or her for needing it! This urge to test is probably unconscious, so don‘t expect your stepkid/s to understand, affirm, or discuss it logically ("Testing? Me? What drug are you on today?") Also (f) expect other non-stepfamily adults and some professionals to minimize or dispute the intensity of your stepkid's need to test for environmental security.

        Option: (g) assess your stepchild's degree of stepfamily security with your other co-parents, and consider talking about this openly with the child. If s/he comes from a family that doesn't feel or express needs and emotions - specially fear - expect this topic be challenging and new. Patience, knowledge of stepchild needs, and empathy are major assets!

        Note that if you distrust yourself as a person and/or your role-competence as a stepparent, your stepchild's anxiety (distrust) will probably rise. This is also true if your partner doesn’t respect or trust you as a competent caregiver.

        Pretending role-confidence when you don't believe it is a double message that promotes confusion, anxiety, and distrust in and between your stepchild's homes. If you’re confident you can learn stepparenting competence over time, other kids and adults’ will feel more secure (trust).

Continue with more possible primary problems underneath your distrust...
 

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Updated  December 28, 2008