The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/distrust.htm
Continued...
A sixth possible primary cause of your stepchild's not earning your trust is...
F) You
and your partner are
(a) distracted by other problems so you can't
consistently focus on resolving this distrust problem as teammates,
and/or (b)
you mates are doing something other than effective win-win
Common alternatives are circular arguing or fighting; withdrawing, repressing,
explaining, justifying, postponing, overanalyzing; dwelling on the past; blaming, getting really busy or "sick," unconsciously exchanging
getting caught in
relationship
and so on. The master strategy is
to
you’re doing any of these, and/or
disowning your part in
co-parenting communications.
Options: You and your partner invest time together in...
-
taking and discussing this
quiz;
-
reviewing these
and
options, and
-
learning these seven
communication
Another option is...
-
each of you fill out this problem-solving
worksheet and discuss your
results - as partners, not opponents! An advanced exercise:
-
identify
your
subselves, and discover which
one/s distrust
your stepchild, and why. If it's not your
(part of) the distrust
problem is within you. See
Use these options and your
and
skills to problem-solve your "distrust"
conflict with your stepchild.
We've just reviewed six possible primary problems promoting your distrust of a
stepchild, and options for resolving them. Often, several of these problems
exist at once, so you'll need to sort, prioritize, and stay focused. You're
most apt to do that if your Self (capital "S")
your other subselves
(personality).
Take a break if you need one. When you're ready, let's explore key options if ...
3)
Your Stepchild Distrusts You
Recall -
distrust is different than the child
disliking you. How can you tell if you're trusted?
(Dumb question?) One way is to review the
trust-factors with your mate,
one at a time. On a scale of 1 to 10, does your stepchild seem to trust you on
each factor? This is still about discovery, not blame!
Another way is to assess for trust is if your stepchild will often…
express their full range of feelings with you
spontaneously, without significant embarrassment (shame), guilt, or
anxiety;
confront you honestly on things they don't like about you; and...
spontaneously tell you of daily events that cause them major feelings like
pride, fear, guilt, shame, excitement, hope, and anger.
A third way to gauge your stepchild's trust in you is to reflect on whether
s/he
voluntarily turns to you for help with school, social, work, and/or family
problems. Another option is to ask knowledgeable relatives' and friends'
opinions, stressing that you're not on a witch-hunt.
A final way to assess is ask your stepchild in age-appropriate language if s/he
trusts you on each factor on page 1. If you do, try an initial reassurance that
you're asking for help in relationship-building, not to blame or criticize.
Stress that "no" is a helpful answer, if true!
If you decide your stepchild does trust you enough, enjoy the good feelings
that merits, and keep doing what you're doing! If not,
what might the primary
problems be?
G) Your stepchild
is significantly controlled by a
or
false self. His or her distrust of you may be generic (all adults, all wo/men,
all parents,...), not personal. If your false self rules, generic
distrust will
hurt anyway... Option: discuss and apply relevant options in
this article.
And/or perhaps...
H) You're not aware
of doing something that discourages your stepchild from
trusting you. If true, you're challenged to (a) look honestly at your
values, habits, and behaviors, and (b) change something familiar. If you evaluate
your part in your stepchild’s distrust, stay aware of the difference between first-order (surface behavior) changes, and second-order (core value)
Possibilities:
You're often ruled by a
false self, and you don't
know that or what to do about it. See
And/or...
You don't really like, respect, or care about your stepchild, or you're
ambivalent (a false-self symptom) - and s/he senses that. A clue is your
behavior often sending “1-down”
including not really
to and/or avoiding
him or her. A deeper problem may be that you made up to three unwise
and/or...
You're taking your stepparent role too seriously, and are overemphasizing
discipline, rules, and (unwanted) advice, vs. genuine listening, play, and friendship-building. A common problem - specially for stepdads - is
feeling like you have to fix your stepchild, vs. just listening, affirming,
encouraging, and getting to know them. A deeper problem may be you're not
fully aware of, or accepting, stepfamily
realities;
and/or...
There are sexual tensions between you that no one is talking about; and/or…
You c/overtly disapprove of your partner's and/or their ex-mate's parenting,
and (your subselves) resent having to "clean up their mess." Your stepchild senses your
criticism, resents or misinterprets it, and may feel c/overtly protective and
combative.
This puts you all in a divisive
and probably related
relationship
and/or there may be...
Some mix of these, and/or something else you're (not) doing,
which promotes your stepchild's distrust.
Follow the links for more perspective, options, and resources.
Another possible primary problem is...
I )
Your stepchild's
distrust in you is being encouraged by their other
bioparent, and/or an influential sibling, relative, or friend ("All
stepparents are selfish jerks!"). If so, several of you are stuck in one or
more overlapping relationship triangles and related loyalty conflicts.
Options:
-
discuss this with your mate, and see if it's possible or sure that
someone is un/intentionally influencing your stepchild's trust in you. If so...
-
become experts at identifying and resolving triangles and loyalty conflicts, and then...
-
you mates
(c) choose an
attitude, and...
-
use the
Project-2
communication skills to
and
your needs and
respectfully, and
invite the influencer/s to problem-solve with you for
all your sakes.
-
In age-appropriate language, keep your stepchild informed of
what you're doing, and why. As you do your version of these...
-
help each other
stay clear on your life
and
A companion option is
to...
-
identify and patiently reduce any of these
to
co-parental team-building.
J) Check again:
are you
blurring your stepchild's dislike, disrespect,
hostility, overwhelm, blocked grief, and/or disinterest in you with distrust?
Get clear on how
differ, separate and assess them, and focus on
solving one or two at a time with your mate's help.
K)
You distrust your competence as an effective stepparent, and/or your
partner projects uncertainty or ambivalence about your competence. Your
stepchild senses this, and un/consciously distrusts you as a caregiver, vs. as a
person.
Options:
-
If you mates aren't comfortable with your stepfamily
invest time and effort in
and
together.
-
Clarify and compare your definitions of a
family,
effective
child discipline, and
stepkids' normal and special needs together. Also...
-
review and affirm your
version of the several dozen environmental
differences between typical
stepparenting and traditional bioparenting, and...
-
teach your kids and
kin!
Discuss all these as partners, and
(e) review or co-create a meaningful
for you as the stepparent of this child.
Include the child and - ideally - your other co-parents as consultants. Stay
clear that a viable stepparenting job description is your responsibility, not
the child's. (f) Use the description to help gauge your role
effectiveness, over time.
Options:
-
seek and listen to other same-gender stepparents talk about their role
expectations and responsi-bilities, and how they measure their role success and
progress.
-
Be alert for unrealistic role criticisms of you from people who
aren't aware of stepfamily realities and complexities (i.e. most other
people).
-
Remind yourself that it takes years to learn competence at this
complex, challenging role, and affirm your progress in small steps. As
you do,
-
stay aware your stepchild is learning an alien, confusing role a day
at a time, without much experi-ence or guidance - just like you are!
Use what you gain from these options to adjust your stepparent role-expectations of
yourself and your stepchild/re, and award yourself respect, satisfaction, and affirmation as
your caregiving competence grows. You can if your true Self
your other subselves
(personality)!
We just reviewed five possible core problems contributing to your stepchild's
distrust in you as an adult and/or in your stepparent role. If several of
these occur at once, you'll need to separate them and focus on improving one or two at as
time.
The last surface (secondary) problem here is…
4)
Your Stepchild Lacks Self-confidence
Confidence is a measure of self-trust. Have you ever met a child you
would describe as "self-confident"? On a scale of 1 (very timid and anxious
in all situations) to 10 (notably self-confident in all situations), how
would you rank your stepchild?
Chances for situational self-doubt (distrust)
are ongoing, because life keeps presenting new experiences.
The question here is: does your stepchild seem too timid and anxious
too often? Each of your co-parents
may have a different opinion.
Do your co-parents agree on how to help your dependents grow appropriate
self-confidence, and who’s responsible for helping? Recall that one of the six
proposed
from too little
childhood nurturance is
That includes too much self-distrust, which signifies an adult or child is
over-influenced by subselves like their
and/or
scared or lost
Options: if your stepchild seems too
timid,
accept that kids ruled by false selves usually come from past or
present families’ providing too little nurturance. You can’t
change the past, and you co-parents can help empower a child’s true Self in
the present - if (a) your Selves are usually
(b) you agree to
build a caregiving team
and (c) you agree that a false self
dominates your stepchild too often.
Your choice
- and responsibility - is to
help each other raise the nurturance-level of your homes and extended stepfamily, over
time, for all your sakes.
Note that having a gaggle of dissenting subselves
running a person’s life promotes having (a) no firm
inner guidance, beliefs, and direction, and (b) a fluctuating or opposing array
of opinions, needs, and beliefs. Both of these breed self-doubt and distrust.
Conversely, a true Self harmonizing other subselves, and firm faith in a
benign
breeds inner consistency and serenity (global
trust).
If you adults decide to help your stepchild trust her or his perceptions and
abilities more, over time, help each other stay aware of the difference
between self-respect (“I am a worthy, likable person”) and self-trust (“I’m
confident I can keep myself safe from too much pain in general, or in a given
situation.”). Each merits unique co-parental and outside supports.
Also note that your stepchild’s self-trust and confidence
are proportional to
their satisfying their developmental and special
needs. Because of the number
and nature of their overlapping needs, typical stepkids are at significant
risk of overwhelm, which breeds self-doubt.
So another thing you co-parents
can do to raise self-trust and respect over time is to (a)
assess your
stepchild’s status with their mix of the needs, and (b) agree on
how to patiently support the child in filling them as you help each other fill
your respective personal and
stepfamily needs.
Recap
This Solutions article proposes that
trust is an automatic survival reflex driven by the
primal need to avoid pain or injury. Pain (discomfort) occurs when you or your
stepchild don’t get your
met well enough locally or over
time.
The quality of your relationship with your stepson or daughter (or
anyone) depends partly on whether you each feel safe with each other – i.e.
you can trust yourself and them to get your local needs met well enough.
This article explores four surface problems: You and/or your stepchild don’t
trust (a) yourselves and/or (b) each other, as persons and/or in your stepfamily
roles. Each exploration includes a summary of likely primary problems, and
options for reducing or resolving them over time. With each of these, four
themes are key: you co-parenting partners...
Own your responsibilities for developing appropriate self and mutual trusts;
Sort out distrust from dislike, disinterest, disrespect, and hostility, and
work on improving each separately. They usually flourish together, and have
common underlying primary problems;
Look beneath the surface distrust, doubts and uncertainties to see what's
really causing them, without guilts, shame, or blame; and...
You co-parents accept your responsibility for filling your and your
stepchild's underlying primary needs together – specially your
shared need for environmental and relationship safety. Your young people
depend on you to do that for them!
As we end this article on raising stepparent-stepchild trust, see where you stand
now:
# Status Check: T="true enough," F="mostly false," and
"?"="I'm not sure,
or it depends..." (on what?)
I feel a mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up,
grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene, purposeful, compassionate, and clear,
so my Self (capital "S") is probably present now. (T F ?)
I accept that the need to trust ourselves and each other is a normal reflex to
protect against pain and injury (T F ?)
Relative to my stepchild, I trust
(a) my own attitudes, perceptions, and
co-parenting abili-ties well enough now; or (b) if not, I am proactively working
to improve those now. (T F ?)
I can adequately separate (a) my relationship with each stepchild from those
with other stepfamily members, and (b) stepchild distrust problems from
disrespect, dislike, disobe-dience, boundary, and disinterest problems (needs).
(T F ?)
I believe my stepchild has enough self-trust
(a) as a person and (b) in her or his
stepfamily roles (step/child, step/sibling, and step/relative) now. (T F ?)
I’m comfortable enough with my trusts in my stepchild/ren now; or I’m
satisfied I/we have a way of raising my trust, over time. (T F ?)
I feel trusted enough by my stepchild as a person and a stepparent; or
we’re working effec-tively to raise her or his trust in me now. (T F ?)
I feel enough empathy and support from my mate with any distrust problem I
have with her or his child; or if not, we are working together effectively
to improve that now. (T F ?)
I believe my partner would answer each of these items “T(rue)” now. (T F ?)
Pause and reflect on how you’re feeling now, and what your busy subselves are
saying. Recall why you read this article, and mull what you’ve learned. Did
you get your needs met? If not, what
you need now?
Help each other keep your overall
stepfamily perspective and your
as
you work to stabilize and enjoy your multi-family merger. These are complex long-term, high-return
projects!
For more perspective, see these articles on improving trust with your
mate, an
ex mate, and reducing
stepchild or stepsibling
dishonesty.
+ + +
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