What does the word hostile bring to your mind? I get vivid (childhood)
images of American Indians ("hostiles") fiercely attacking Pilgrims and
"bluecoats" to defend their lands and lifestyle against aggression.
Is there someone in your life - or stepfamily - whom you feel hostility for
- or from? If so, is that a source of tension for
someone?
Hostility ranges from a passive attitude of angry resentment and
rejection, to subtle or blatantly aggressive
actions toward causing pain
in an offender. In the complex relationship webs in
and between stepfamily homes,
hostility can flare over conflictual situations, or smolder steady
state.
All families can breed hostility among some members. The amazing complexity
of
three or more multi-generational biofamilies into a stable
yields much higher chances for significant hostility and other stressors among housemates and
relatives.
This is specially true between stepparents and visiting or live-in stepkids. Many
stepfamily anecdotes include stories of a
"defiant" stepchild declaring "You're not my
parent, and I won't do what you tell me!"
Have you had training, motivation, or encouragement on
proactively reducing your
or another's hostility over time? Lacking these, we reflexively seethe,
endure, avoid, blame, threaten, and/or retaliate -
which all usually increase everyone's stress. These
choices (or reflexes) have low odds of unearthing the roots of hostility and working
effectively to heal them!
Human communications are interactive (reciprocal), so
hostility usually breeds
c/overt counter-hostility. Is that your experience? In typical stepfamilies, this cycle usually produces
stressful
and related
Thus, stepchild - stepparent hostility causes discomfort in many family
members, including other kids and concerned relatives - not just the
adult and child.
Hostility is a normal human attitude or actions caused by hurt + resentment
+
anger + distrust + disrespect, sometimes flavored with repulsion or disgust. The
typical scenario here is a well-meaning stepdad or stepmom getting
"undeserved" hostility from a stepdaughter or stepson despite the adult's patient efforts
to be friendly, sensitive, and courteous. After various responses "don't work," typically the
stepparent feels increasing hurt, resentful, and counter hostile.
The stepchild's bioparent usually feels caught between these two people. S/He can react
in ways ranging from paralysis and numbing, to pleading or
complaining, to blaming and getting angry at one or both people.
All three
people feel increasingly confused, helpless, guilty, and torn. Unless one or both co-parents intentionally change something, the
three-way struggle usually escalates, over time. Mixed with other
stepfamily relationship tensions, hostility cycles and resulting loyalty
conflicts and triangles can promote eventual psychological, then legal separation and
|
Note the difference between hostility,
dislike, and
disrespect - they
often occur together. Hostility usually causes aggressive
(vs. assertive) verbal or physical behavior intended to cause the
receiver discomfort or pain. Sometimes it's useful to separate these
three attitudes and reduce them individually.
|
If you're embroiled in a troubling adult - child hostility cycle, what are
your options? Overall, seek to...
Identify and Resolve the
Primary Problems
In my 28-year clinical experience,
the core problem is that average divorced and
stepfamily co-parents don't know how to (a) identify the primary problems
causing the hostility (and other problems), and/or to (b) resolve these problems.
By the end of this article, you'll know if this pertains to your stepfamily
co-parents.
To
start, reality-check these premises against
your life experience: an adult or child maintains a hostile
attitude toward another person if...
s/he
feels unheard, disrespected,
distrusted,
disliked
(rejected), ignored, and/or
scared by the other person;
and...
s/he can't
effectively sort out these feelings to understand and validate each
one, and...
s/he doesn't
see any effective way of (a) expressing these feelings and related needs respectfully,
and (b) problem-solving; and...
s/he isn't
able (or doesn't want) to understand or empathize the other person's needs,
and feelings,
and/or respect their dignity; and...
s/he (a) doesn't
feel anyone can help with these four things now, and/or (b) s/he
doesn't know how or whom to ask for help.
Do these ideas seem realistic to you? Can you think of other reasons why
someone develops and keeps a hostile (angry, resentful, perhaps
revengeful) attitude?
Now mull these premises about the person receiving the hostility:
s/he feels
misjudged, misunderstood, blamed (attacked), and
disrespected
by the hostile person, and...
s/he
probably doesn't try to (a) respectfully identify the needs or
feelings of the hostile person, or (b) assess honestly whether s/he
(the receiver) is doing something to merit the hostility; and...
s/he
tries various responses that ultimately don't reduce the hostility, and
(eventually) feels powerless to effectively
her/his need to feel cared about, understood, and accepted
(respected); and...
s/he
sees no access to effective help, and/or is ashamed
- or doesn't know how - to ask for help; so...
s/he reacts
in increasingly angry, resentful, disrespectful
ways which increase the other person's hostility.
This
self-stoking cycle builds, over time, until something changes their
attitudes, the relationship between them, or the situation around them.
A variation unique to typical stepfamilies is that a stepparent receiving hostility from a stepchild hints, appeals, or demands that
their mate
"do something" about their hostile child. This inexorably puts the bioparent in a lose-lose
which raises everyone's anxiety and confusion. A
related premise is that usually neither co-parent knows how to identify a loyalty
conflict, or resolve it effectively together for all people involved.
Based on these premises, here's a buffet of suggestions on how
co-parent partners can block or dismantle an escalating stepparent-stepchild
hostility cycle, and patiently turn hostility into mutual respect,
trust, and tolerance - even genuine friendship and affection! We'll look first
at a "hostile" child, and then a hostile stepparent.
Hostile Stepchild
Option 1) Check
to see if your relationship with your stepchild is usually
your
If not, the
following options probably won't help you achieve the lasting changes you
seek. If a false self
governs you, you'll have many relationship problems. See
2) Check your focus. You're more likely to succeed if you focus on
changing your attitudes and behaviors, rather than your stepchild's.
Reluctance to do this ("Yes, but...") usually indicates a false self rules
you.
|
3)
Check
your attitude: intentionally choose to see "hostile
behavior" (a subjective judgment) as an unconscious appeal from the
child for help in filling some key
See your stepchild as (a)
having the same human rights
you do; (b) needy, not bad; and (c) unaware of what s/he
needs and/or how to assert those needs respectfully. |
4) Separate
the child's hostile behavior from being a
"hostile person." This is
essential if you're going to assert
effectively.
Option 5) Break
the "hostility" into smaller targets, and focus on
resolving one or two at a time. Possible "smaller targets" include a mix of these...
a) The child's attitudes and
behaviors are caused by a protective
- i.e.
an undeveloped and/or disabled Self (capital "S"). Common symptoms are an oversensitivity to criticism
(excessive
unrealistic expectations
of self or adults (ignorance + reality
excessive
difficulty focusing,
repressing or denying emotions and needs, "apathy" (overwhelm), and
difficulty
and socializing
with healthy peers. These are usually amplified by puberty.
Options: You and your mate do
honestly
together. First evaluate each of the stepchild's
co-parents for
false-self
and promote appropriate
Then
assess the stepchild for such wounds. If you find some, (a) remind each
other that kids' wounds come from too little family
and (b) patiently
evolve and co-supervise an
appropriate (healing) plan.
Effective recoveries usually involve more
education + informed professional help + support groups.
Typical kids are far less likely
to develop a Self-led personality if their co-parents' false selves are in charge!
b) S/He resents something
in you and/or other co-parents, and can't articulate that - or s/he
tried articulating, and felts s/he wasn't
and/or
respectfully. Common causes of
minor and grown stepchild resentment include...
-
parental
separation and divorce, and/or parents not resolving their
ongoing problems over money, custody, visitation, parenting, holidays,
etc.;
-
parental inconsistency or
abandonment ("My father never calls");
-
parental
over-control (intrusion) or under-control;
-
one or more
caregivers invalidating or discounting (pooh-poohing) the child's
feelings or opinions ("Put on a happy face right now!");
-
feeling expected to
between warring adults - specially
conflicted bioparents;
-
feeling stressed by one or more relationship
and not
understanding them or how to disengage from them;
-
feeling
disrespected, unheard, ignored, used, and/or lied to by key
adults;
-
feeling too responsible for
one or more other children, and seeing no options;
-
feeling left out of a
parent's decisions to remarry, move, where to live, or which school
they'll attend;
-
feeling impossibly torn by
divorced parents asking "Which of us do you want to live with?";
-
feeling
overwhelmed by multiple undefined needs, and having no adult empathy with this,
and/or competent guidance in filling them;
-
feeling
"role strain" - i.e. feeling inadequate, anxious, guilty, and ashamed in key home, family, social,
and student
because of criticism from
a tireless
and/or
disapproval and/or scorn from
key adults;
-
feeling another child is getting preferential treatment, or has taken
over a prized family
role (smartest child, funniest, sweetest, favorite,...);
-
feeling that their
stepparent treats their mother and/or father - or a sibling
or relative - "badly" (disrespectfully), and/or resenting their
bioparent/s
for allowing such disrespect;
-
being forced to live apart
from a beloved or vulnerable sibling - e.g. by split-custody
arrangements; and/or...
-
being forced
to visit a bioparent who ignores, uses, lectures, abuses, or berates them; or is
overwhelmed, and asks the child to nurture them.
These are some family conditions that typical minor and
grown stepkids and many biokid can resent.
A core stressor is usually a
sense of being disrespected and/or
losing respect for a caregiver. A related factor is
usually a history of
adult-child
communication, starting with grandparents.
One or more of the factors above can cause significant hostility. Each
factor deserves thoughtful evaluation and empathic
attention by you co-parents and active relatives. If
there are too many, perhaps you all need qualified
c) If your
stepchild is a teen,
s/he may not know (a) how to express her normal need to become
independent, other than "hostile" behaviors - and (b) s/he doesn't know how
to problem-solve (balance her or his and your adult needs) effectively with
you. Problems with "rebellious teens" are usually stepfamily
problems, and are far more
than just
"hostility."
d) If your
stepchild is an adult, (a) your mutual expectations and behaviors are
probably very different than with a minor stepchild, and (b) the causes of
"hostile behavior" are probably different. Three causes deserve special
attention in addition to the others here:
-
the young adult has not
grieved her or his major family-change losses well enough yet,
-
has not
yet accepted your collective stepfamily identity and what it means, yet;
and/or...
-
s/he has not achieved stable self-sufficiency yet, and the
"hostility" is really anxiety, confusion, frustration, guilt, and shame.
6)
Other hostility-producing factors to assess honestly:
Your stepchild doesn't
respect you as a person, as an adult, and/or in your roles as
stepparent and/or spouse. A prerequisite for earning (vs. demanding) kids'
respect is that you
trust and respect
yourself.
That happens only after your Self consistently leads your other
subselves (personality) in conflictual and calm situations. Another
requisite is that you
your needs and
limits with the child respectfully and effectively. See this series on
effective child discipline in stepfamilies.
Your stepchild
distrusts you for
valid reasons, and/or because s/he's often ruled by a
false self. Significant distrust often has to do with not feeling
emotionally, physically, or spiritually safe enough in some
way. Like love, respect, and caring, trust can't be demanded - it must be earned over time.
Another possibility is...
Your stepchild has
"bad
chemistry" with you, and/or vice versa. Your
or their values, priorities, appearance, and mannerisms are unpleasant,
irritating, or unbearable - and you both are reacting normally to having to live or
visit together.
You can (a) admit
"bad chemistry" with dignity and honesty, and work toward tolerance (if
your Self is guiding you); or your subselves can whine,
complain, manipulate, blame, and try (fruitlessly) to change the stepchild's
perceptions, attitudes, values, and behaviors.
You and/or your stepchild feel
sexual around the other, and you don't know what to do with that - so
you repress awareness and/or conversation about it. The repressed
feelings cause other tensions like excitement, guilt, confusion, anxiety,
anger, and shame, which usually multiply without clear discussion. This
stressor is more likely
in typical stepfamilies than intact biofamilies because the incest
taboo is weaker or missing.
For options on reducing common problems like these, follow the links above.
More
options if you have a
hostile stepchild...
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