The Web address of this
series is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/addiction1.htm
This continues an 11-page
series.
2) Prepare to
Confront
These options apply to
any adult or child:
-
Put your own
wound-recovery ahead of helping other people, unless
their life is at risk now.
-
Practice putting
your true Self
of your other subselves. Your odds of a
successful con-frontation with the other person/s are
best with your Self solidly guiding you.
-
Educate yourself
on false-self wounds, the [wounds + ignorance] cycle,
codependence, enabling, the 12-step philosophy and
resources, and the concept of
intervention - a respectful group-con-frontation
with a true addict in denial. Option - study
these wound-prevention options
for foundation knowledge and resources;
-
Stay clear that
any "addiction" is a symptom of the real
problems: ignorance + inner pain + a dis-abled
true Self + (probably) a low-nurturance environment.
-
Work to (a) maintain a
genuine
attitude, and (b) sharpen your
and
skills. Use these when the other person denies,
evades, attacks you, and/or justifies their compulsion,
rather than these popular lose-lose
-
Keep your
personal Rights in mind,
and practice setting and enforcing your personal
- in general, and with the other person. Stay
clear: you are not responsible for the wounded adult's
choices and consequences - s/he is. Strong urges to
or "save" the person (other than your own child) may
signal that a false-self dominates you. Keep these wise
with you along the way...
-
Meditate on
your attitude about personal
Successful addiction and wound recovery
is most likely with steady faith in a benign (vs.
demanding, wrathful, jealous, and punitive) Higher Power. If you and/or the other person have no
meaningful spiritual awareness or faith, lower your expectations
and keep exploring.
-
Work to become
non-judgmentally clear on how the other person's
behavior affects you and other people you care about.
Confronting another person about an addiction is usually
altruistic and sel-fish - i.e. the other person
committing to addiction recovery will fill some unmet
in
you.
-
Coach your
subselves to view confronting another person as a
gift to both of you. do the words confront
and confrontation feel "negative" (cause you anxiety)?
Confronting is another term for
your opinions and needs, and negotiating healthy changes
as teammates. If (a) your Self (capital "S") is
and (b) you're mastering effective communication
you'll be able to handle the other person's reactions to
your assertions calmly and respectfully.
-
Get
very clear on why you need to confront the other person. Do you
need to...
-
inform
him or her of your concern, and/or some
action you're going to take because of their
behavior? And/or to...
-
that s/he (must want to)
something?
Effective demands require you to define and enforce a
specific consequence if the person declines to comply.
And/or
do you need to...
-
together? - i.e. to invite the person to help change
something abut your shared environment (like
your family relationships, roles, or dynamics)?;
and/or...
-
help the person
and/or...
-
act to prevent or
manage
a crisis?; and/or..
-
all of these goals, or
some other ones?
-
Keep your
perspective. Your main goals are to...
-
preserve
your integrity and self-respect, and...
-
plant seeds
(ideas and information) which may bloom at a future
time.
If the person does break their protective
denials and start preliminary recovery, that's a
marvelous bonus!
-
Learn to
recognize pseudo or "trial" recovery.
It is a creative attempt by well-meaning subselves to pretend to be managing an addiction, but
not making any
changes in core attitudes or pain-management strategies.
Typical people who
relapse
(resume their toxic behaviors) have not hit their
true "bottom," and have usually been in pseudo recovery.
-
Inform other relevant people
of these options, and ask for their help. "Relevant"
means other people who live and/or work with the
person/s you're concerned about - like parents,
grandparents, sib-lings, close friends, therapists,
(ex) mates, clergy, doctors, and co-workers. As you do this, be alert
for signs of false-self dominance. Wounded people are
often unable (vs. unwilling) to provide effective
addiction-management help.
-
Consider consulting
with a
professional addiction counselor to increase your
odds of success - as you define success. Ask their
opinion about if, when, and how to do an "intervention"
with your target adult. That powerful
option is outlined on the next page.
Recall that all these are ways of preparing yourself to
confront an addicted person and/or any enab-lers - i.e.
supporters denying the addiction and its causes and effects,
or unintentionally promoting these
If these options seem like a lot of work - they are!
The long-term potential benefits of a successful
con-frontation justify the effort. Pause and notice what your subselves
are
now
about these options.
|
As you prepare, keep in mind that
addictions are symptoms of the real
problems
- inner pain
+ false-self wounds + unawareness. Few addicts or lay or
professional supporters know this, or what to do about it.
|
For more perspective, read these articles on epidemic
binge eating in America,
and male eating disorders.
We're reviewing three options if you're concerned about another person's
addiction. You can (1) defer or avoid
them (enable them), (2)
prepare to confront, and then...
3) Confront the Addicted
Person and/or Their Family
|
In this context,
confronting means
your compassionate
perception that the person is addic-ted, and urging him or
her and relevant family members (enablers) to learn about
and choose a reco-very program. |
Recall the proposal that any addiction is a symptom of a
("dysfunctional")
family. So when you feel prepared to act on your concern, you have five choices:
-
confront the (a) addict and/or (b) some or all of their family adults;
-
(c) over time, or directly - (d) alone or (e)
with informed help.
Many factors will affect which of these options you and any supporters choose -
e.g. your ages;
responsibilities; priorities; family
composition and member
locations, family roles and history; family-relationship quality;
grieving progress; communication styles; and family ethnicity, customs, and
nurturance level. Exploring the combinations of all these factors is beyond
the scope of this series of articles, so let's settle for some...
General Confrontation Guidelines
Keep your
in
of your
other subselves - specially in planning and executing a direct
confrontation. If you can't do this, lower your expectations.
Keep a long-term perspective - e.g.
the rest of the addicted-person's life or the life-span of the
family's youngest child.
Keep your
clear - you and
any partner are not responsible for the addicted fami-ly's decisions -
their adults are.
Keep your priorities clear and firm.
Suggestion: put your
and integrity (self-respect) first, any primary relationship second, and
everything else third, except in emer-gencies.
Get and stay clear on the specific
results you want to achieve by confronting. The alter-native is "riding
off in all directions" and/or major disappointments,
anxieties, and
and family conflicts.
Work steadily toward fluency in the
seven communication
over time.
Awareness, digging down, empathic
listening, and assertion are specially powerful in any addiction
confrontation.
If you choose lay and/or professional
people to help make the confrontation, ask them to prepare with steps
like these.
Stay clear that in this context,
confrontation, and addiction and
wound recovery, are
pro-cesses, not events.
Help each other stay aware that true
addiction, wound reduction, and
(vs. religion) go hand in hand.
Help each other to stay aware of (a)
the difference between true and pseudo, or trial recov-ery; and (b) the relationship between
preliminary (addiction) recovery and full (false-self wound) recovery.
Aim
to help the addicted person/s hit
true
vs. stopping or controlling their addic-tion.
Correct the misperceptions that addiction
is (a) a
shameful conscious choice and (b) a "disease," rather than
a compulsive, unconscious self-medication reflex to lower
Stay aware that a vital part of
family confrontation is to inform minor kids in the family of key
concepts like...
-
compulsions, personality subselves,
addiction, enabling, and recovery, and...
-
how to
and assert their
feelings and
without anxiety, guilt, or shame.
Consider that
trying to help someone
who isn't asking for help is inherently disrespectful, no
matter how well-intentioned. It implies "I know what you need better
than you do." This may be true, but it still feels insulting and
promotes resentment and "resistance."
View personal and family "resistance"
to breaking addiction and enabling denials as a frantic
attempt to avoid pain and loss of security, not stubbornness, rigidity,
ignorance, stupidity,
defiance, arrogance, rigidity, weakness, and
self-centeredness.
Add any personal confrontation guidelines that you feel are important in
your unique situation.
Option - consider (a) discussing and editing these guidelines with your
helpers, and (b) using a printed version of them as a shared reference.
Confront Who - the Addict and/or
Their Key Family Members (Enablers)?
If
your home had a leaky roof and termites in the foundations, would you limit
your maintenance goals to just "fixing the roof"? If you focus only on
"fixing" an addict's "stinking thinking" and toxic actions (You have to stop
drinking two six-packs of beer a day!") without confronting the underlying personal
and family causes of their addiction/s, you greatly reduce your odds
for long-term success.
Notice the major difference between saying...
"I want to help Pat break
denials, hit bottom, and want to manager his/her gambling addiction" and
"I want to do what I can to respectfully help Pat's family adults
recognize how their beliefs, wounds, and habits are enabling Pat's compulsive
gambling and its harmful effects."
A major aim of full
confrontation is intentionally promoting all affected people (including
helpers) to adopt this all-family goal. Reality: working at this
over time will probably raise the level of unconscious family "resistance"
to admitting the effects of their wounds and
enabling.
If
you agree that confronting an addict's family is more productive, long-term,
than confronting an addict, then notice this group of options: you
may do a phased confrontation (below) and/or a direct
confrontation with various key family members. The variations of this are
limitless.
"Confront key family members"
implies a patient series of intentional verbal or written assertions and
conversations with individual adults, toward desired long-term family-member
changes. Each
adult will have a mosaic of wounds, knowledge and ignorances,
priorities (biases), and defenses; so your re-spectful confrontations with
each person must be tailored to fit their unique personal profile. Suggestions on how to do
this effectively are beyond the scope of this overview article.
Perspective on Confronting an
Enabler
It can be harder to spot an enabler (someone who unintentionally
promotes an addiction) than an addict. This is partly because the harmful
effects of
are long-term and indirect, and partly be-cause early and
mid-phase addictions are often hard to identify with certainty. Note that
the accumulated toxic effects of parental addictions and wounds (low
family nurturance) often don't become clear until kids are in their thirties
or older and may be married and/or parents.
|
It's highly likely that someone chronically enabling someone's addiction is (a) significantly wounded, and
(b) in major protective denial of that and it's effects.
Implication - like addiction,
ena-bling is a symptom
of the primary problems: false-self dominance + unawareness.
|
Some common behavioral symptoms of
enabling an addict include...
-
the enabler (a) has many of these
false-self behaviors, and (b) avoids
self-confrontation about them and what they mean; and s/he...
-
(a) denies, minimizes, or rationalizes the
other person's obvious addiction; and (b) insists "I'm just trying to be
helpful / kind / compassionate (to the addict);" and/or s/he...
-
gives (a)
about her actions
("I know I should confront Frieda about her excessive shopping,
but..."); and (b) s/he denies or justifies (defends) this; and/or a true enabler...
-
may choose a helpless
saying "I can't help (enabling);" and/or s/he...
-
has clear codependent
(relationship-addiction) traits, and denies,
minimizes, or defends them; and/or an enabler...
-
refuses to...
-
learn about or discuss
addictions, enabling, and recovery, and/or to...
-
attend an addiction
support group like Al-Anon, or equivalent; and a true enabler may...
-
get unusually angry, hostile, defensive,
and/or combative if someone brings up the addiction and/or the enabler's
behaviors and choices.
The most telling symptoms of enabling are rigid
avoiding or refusing a meaningful confrontation with the addict, and
denying or excusing these choices.
By
definition, full
confrontation of anyone's addiction must include confronting each
significant enabler on their behavior, to minimize the chance of
relapsing and continuing to harm any dependent kids. This is more work,
probably more conflictual, and has the highest odds of long-term success
compared to confronting the addict alone. Notice what you're thinking and
feeling now...
Reality Check - when your Self is guiding your other subselves, think of
the person you feel is ad-dicted, and build a mental roster of their key
family members, friends, and co-workers. Then one at a time, decide if any
of them has some or many of the enabling symptoms above.
Start with
yourself. Option - because this must be a subjective
evaluation, discuss your reasoning and conclusions with someone you trust
who understands addictions and enabling, and supports con-fronting the
person/s you care about. Note your option of using a professional addictions
counselor to help you decide.
Status Check - on a scale of one
(I'm committed to confronting the addict I care about)
to 10 (I want to confront the
addict and each significant enabler), my current objective is a ___. If you
have a primary partner, rank him or her on the same scale, and
notice how you feel. Is your Self (capital "S")
this, or "someone
else" (a false self)?
Confront How?
Once you're (a) well prepared and motivated, (b) you've decided who to
confront, and (c) your Self is usually guiding you, you have three action
options
with each person you care about:
-
a "phased"
confrontation over time ("planting 'seeds' "), and/or...
-
a direct confrontation (a) alone or (b) with
one or more helpers.
Let's look at each of these choices...
Phased Confrontation Over Time - "Plant Seeds"
If
confronting your addict and/or their key enablers directly feels impractical
now, you can choose to "plant seeds" with some or all of them without
asserting any major consequences. Here, "seeds" are verbal statements, vignettes,
observations, questions, and suggestions about addiction and recovery that
make no implied or explicit requests or demands for accountability and
action.
One effective format for "seed planting" is a series of
sincere
spoken calmly, with good eye contact and an attitude of
Another
way to plant seeds is to ask relevant questions.
Examples:
"Maria, did you know that when you don't keep your promise to
stop losing our money at the casino, I get really frustrated and I'm
learning to distrust you?"
"What do you think about the idea that
addictions are a family problem, not an individual one, Phil?"
"I think Harry has a food addiction, but he
can't admit that. Some people say that addic-tions are attempts to
self-medicate major inner pain. What do you think?"
"Our son just asked me if you were a
rageaholic. Do you know he was wondering about that?
"I found another collection of pornography
hidden in the basement, and 'm worried that you're addicted to it,
Larry. Your denying that increases my fear."
"Janice just told me about a book she read
which said that parental drug addiction causes major psychological
problems for all kids in the family."
"Do you agree that Pilar hasn't hit
with her obsessive workouts and dieting?"
"I just read that mental health pros
define 'workaholism' as
a true addiction. Some say it's being unable to work less than 65 hours
a week, despite major health and family problems. Alex, I'm really
concerned that that's true of you and us, recently."
"Would you say that your grandfather is
addicted to poker and gambling? Has he ever tried to cut back because of
his losses and marital strife?"
"I hear that
chronic overeating is linked to
addiction to compulsive craving for sugar and fats, just like addiction
to heroine and marijuana. Our doctor told me yesterday that he feels
you're at least 70 pounds overweight, despite his warnings about related
health risks. That really scare me, Roberto."
"Helping other people avoid taking
self-responsibility is called 'enabling.' I think Janice is enabling her
mother by chauffeuring her all over the place, and not insisting that
she learn to drive herself. Janice may be codependent, too - what do you
think?"
"Norma just told me her sister just got
caught shoplifting again, despite her arrest last February. That really
shows the power of true addictions, doesn't it?"
"Sal, You say you can quit
marijuana any
time, but you smoke it every day. I'm scared that's going to cause you
major health problems, and that it teaches the kids that using toxic
drugs is OK."
"I just finished reading 'Bradshaw on: The Family' - a book about children of alcoholics. It made me think of you and your Mother,
and I felt sad."
Notice that none of these statements and questions are judgmental, sarcastic, scornful, or critical,
or request or demand any change in the listener. Imagine the accumulated
emotional impact of an addict or enabler hearing a focused series of statements
("seeds") like
these over weeks or months.
Recall that the primary goals of confronting an
addict are (a) preserving your self respect (integrity) and (b) empathically increasing the odds an addict will hit true bottom and break
her or his protective denials.
Can
you imagine saying things like these to the person you're concerned about? If so, how would s/he
react, over time? If not - what are you scared of? Is your Self (capital
"S")
now? Does it make sense that patiently "planting seeds" like
this would prepare all affected people for a direct
con-frontation about an addiction?
Recap - if you feel (a) you can still tolerate the effects of
the addicted person's behaviors, and (b) you estimate they're not ready to
hit true bottom, you can choose to "confront" them over time by
pa-tiently "planting
seeds" - making a series of respectful, informational (vs. critical or
manipulative) state-ments like these.
Paradoxically, doing this aims to help the addicted (wounded) person over
time by increasing their discomfort and helping them to hit
bottom. Does this make sense to you? Is it relevant in your situation
now? These ageless
can help you keep your balance.
Next -
options to confront
alone, or to plan and give a group intervention. Do you need
a break before continuing? As you
continue, recall specifically why you're reading this
article - what do you need?
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