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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing
psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction
describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These
articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Many relationships and families are stressed by chronic
anger and frustration. This three-page article is for people
with "anger problems" in themselves and their
relationships. The article applies to all
relationships, including adults and kids. The article
offers:
This article assumes you're familiar with these ideas...
This article offers
no "quick fixes." It provides practical options for
(a) permanently reducing exces-sive anger and frustration in
you. and for (b) responding effectively
to these behaviors in other adults and kids.
If you feel like
skipping the recommended readings above, you may be controlled by an
My therapy client looked like a pro football player.
In his late 40’s, this
big man sat on the couch with tears in his eyes, face screwed up like
a child. He said “My wife, the pastor, and our therapist all say that I have
an anger problem. I don’t see it!” This man's wife had
recently demanded that he move out of their home. They had married a year
before, full of plans and hopes - her second marriage, his first. His wife was talking mental cruelty, abuse, and
divorce, despite the sincere covenant they’d made to each other
and God.
Terribly
as a boy, this anguished man wondered in his grief
if he’d die childless, alone, and unloved.
His wife could not tolerate the
way
he expressed his angers, and they could find no middle ground despite marital
and pastoral counseling.
Another client comes to
mind. She was a soft-spoken, sensitive diabetic Mom who weighed over 250
pounds before blurred vision and a blood-pressure surge scared her into losing
weight. She struggled with an unsatisfying marriage and job, excessive anxiety
about her only son, and trouble trusting a God who had allowed her to be
sexually molested as an early teen.
She had many reasons
to feel and express anger, but couldn’t. “I can’t get angry,” she said in a
little-girl voice, “I feel too
The one exception was with her
husband, whom she scorned as a parent and a partner despite his best efforts.
The ancient
from a disparaging father and her molestation, and her
repressed rage at her attacker, her mother dying when she was 13, and at an
uncaring God, were literally killing this woman as she turned 40. She
desperately wanted to live.
I could fill a book with
anecdotes of anger and frustration expressed by hundreds of
clients in my therapy office. I could add scores of tales of
seething unspoken rage that froze the faces and bodies of tormented
men and women, corroded their health and their relationships, and scared their kids.
My fa-ther, sister, and I grew up in such homes.
Is anger damaging or
nourishing your important relationships? Do
you avoid and/or get paralyzed by chronically angry adults
and kids? What are your and your family's
"anger policies"? Are they your own shoulds, oughts,
and musts, or have you unconsciously adopted someone else's, like your
parents; a mentor, or a religion? How is anger affecting the
of your home and family? Have you ever thought or
discussed questions like these?
| I suspect you’re reading
this because you seek to master some
“anger problems.” This article
proposes using anger
and frustration to
nourish
your relationships. Do you think that’s possible? |
This is a complex
topic, so this article doesn't provide a cookbook solution. It offers core concepts, options,
and suggestions that you can adapt to help
use your anger as a
relationship resource.
Your "Anger Profile"
Let’s start by you
interviewing yourself to learn something about you and anger.
Get undistracted, muse, and record your reactions to
each of these statements. Notice your feelings and thoughts as you do… T
= "true", F =
"false," and "?" = "I'm not sure."
I feel a mix of calm, grounded,
focused, "light," alert, aware, centered, purposeful, relaxed,
"up,"
serene, and confident, so my
is probably answering these
questions.
(T F ?)
I
see anger as a normal,
useful (vs. positive or negative) human emotion; and I
regard my
ability to feel angry as an asset in my life. (T F ?)
I
can tell the difference
between anger and frustration if I need to, and I know what
to do about each of these now. (T F ?)
Our
other family adults see anger as a
useful emotion now, and they value their ability to feel and express
it. (T F ?)
What I learned about (a) feeling and (b)
expressing anger from key males in my childhood is … (what?)
What I learned about (a) feeling and (b)
expressing anger from key females in my childhood is … (what?)
I’m comfortable enough now with (a) how
and when
I feel anger, and (b) how I express it with _ myself and _
other family adults and kids. (T F ?)
I’m comfortable enough now with how
our other family adults (a) feel and (b) express anger at _
themselves and _ other family adults and kids.
(T F ?)
I know
_
how to express
anger constructively with my mate, and _ I’m satisfied with how I've done
that recently. (T F ?)
I’m comfortable enough now with
_
how my mate expresses anger with me,
_ how often, and _ why s/he does.
(T F ?)
I can remain centered and aware (vs.
numbing out, fighting, or fleeing) when other people express anger at me now.
(T F ?)
None of our family
adults
need to suppress significant anger now. (T F?)
I can _ clearly define the difference
between
and
aggression,
and _ so can our other family adults. (T F ?)
My partner and I are able to
about our marital
anger needs and conflicts.
(T F ?)
I can
clearly describe our
home and family's policies (shoulds, musts, oughts, and have to’s)
about _ feeling and _ expressing
anger and frustration with each other now. (T F ?)
I want to _ show this profile to
other family members and _ discuss it with them. (T F ?)
Pause to reflect
on what you’re
If there are other items you want to
include in your profile, what are they? Jot down any questions, observations,
or actions that occur to you now, and review them after you finish this
article. Can you describe why you’re reading this
- specifically?
Let’s build on your anger
profile by exploring…
Anger 101 - Basics
We humans are blessed with a marvelous range of
emotions: automatic neuro-chemical responses to our sensory perceptions.
Life
without emotions would be robotic, meaningless, and probably brief, since
emotions promote our survival. Relationships that evoke few emotions are
boring, flat, and shallow. Have you experienced that?
Is it Anger
or Frustration?
Do you feel that anger and frustration feel similar? You may
feel both at once, depending on the sit-uation. Unaware
people often confuse these related emotions and don't know
their different causes. Frustration is a reflexive
response to being unable to satisfy current
(discomforts). Anger is usu-ally triggered by hurt,
fear (e.g. a threat), or an injury. This difference is
useful in understanding and re-sponding appropriately to
each emotion in yourself and others.
People who are used to blaming other people for their anger
and frustration...
-
are usually
of their respective
current needs, and...
-
don't know how to
effectively,
so they...
-
get into lose-lose (frustrating) accuse /
defend / counterblame cycles. ("You make me SO angry because
you _____!")
Think of the last time you felt significantly "angry." Were
you hurt or anxious, or did you feel unable to fill a key
need? Now think of your favorite "angry person." Is s/he
often hurt, feeling helpless at redu-cing some current
discomfort, or both?
Each of these useful emotions can lead to awareness and problem-solving.
When you feel frustra-ted,
try asking "What need am I (or is someone) trying to fill
now?" When you're angry, try asking "What's causing my pain or
fear, and what are my options?"
See
this article for more on this
important concept.
Feeling vs.
Expressing
Feeling and
expressing anger are different. Feeling it is
instinctive - i.e. hormonal and neurolog-ical. Expressing anger is
under your (potential) control. Do you agree? Exercising
such control (“anger management”) is a key part of learning to (a) identify and (b) respectfully
your
and
(c)
effectively. These are among
the seven communication
partners can help each other learn in
family
Aggression
vs. Assertion
In resolving “anger
problems,”
it can help to separate anger from
aggression.
The latter is “I’m going to fill my needs regardless of how my behavior
affects you.” Aggression can range between calm and de-liberate to angry and
impulsive.
Either way, aggression (“I’m
causes hurt, resentment,
and/or fear, which all can provoke anger. Would you rather hear "You
have an anger problem" or "You're often too aggressive," (or
neither)? Do you agree that
respectful assertion is a
better relationship choice than aggression or submission?
Ancestors, some Holy books, social ignorance, unawareness,
the media, and pain
can
teach
kids that anger is a negative or bad emotion.
So feeling or
acting angry produces
which amplify anger’s
“badness.”
| As
a child, were you taught that your anger response is an instinctive way that most mammals react to danger, to avoid
injury, pain, and
death? So your anger response is no more
negative or posi-tive
than sneezing, urinating, digesting, hiccups, or goose bumps. What are your
kids learning about their natural anger response? |
One cost of being taught
that feeling and expressing anger is wrong is feeling you have to repress it.
Some young kids protectively develop
which
avoid pain by “numbing out,” blocking, hiding, or converting their anger
response into tears, “coldness,” passive aggression, or “indifference.” The effects of expressed and repressed anger
can cause pain or comforts, like
security, relief, and feeling powerful.
Faces, bodies, and voice
dynamics broadcast anger even if we try to repress it.
Anyone denying or minimizing current
hurt and anger usually signals
that a
controls
them - i.e. a subself feels it's not safe to feel or express anger
honestly.
Such protective
usually cause
like “I am
not angry!” said loudly with a glare, frown, and red face. Each
message is genuine - and comes from a different subself. Combined, they foster confusion,
doubt, and distrust in the receiver. These emotions block effective communication
and grieving, and hurt
relationships.
Think of recent times you’ve
felt significantly angry. Can you name what you felt just before you did?
Anger
usually follows hurt (like disrespect) and/or fear. Knowing this can help
you think and talk clearly with others about events (unmet needs) that cause
irritation, anger, or rage.
In relationship problem-solving, applying this
idea leads to "If you're angry with me, what am I doing (or not doing) that
hurts or scares you?" The same question helps understand and
resolve anger at your-self or another person.
Imbalances in neural and
endocrine (hormonal) systems can cause harmful anger behaviors. These can be
hard to distinguish from other people whose false self represses and
accumulates anger until it explodes. Competent psychiatrists can help to
differentiate and treat both of these. I suspect that organic imbalances can
be caused or amplified by serious
– i.e. anger
explosions can be psy-chosomatic reactions.
|
Anger is emotional energy.
Energy used to change or create something is power.
Anger-pow-er can
help you to create
family relationships or
impede
them. Adults choose be-tween these all the time, consciously or by habit and
reflex. |
Anger Policies
A personal "policy" is a learned set of
beliefs, values and rules (shoulds, oughts, musts, and have
to's) that regulate our behavior and our opinions of
other people's behaviors and standards. From social training and
life experience, every adult and child evolves semi-conscious policies about
feeling and expressing hurt, anger, fear,
needs, and frustrations (among other emotions).
A healthy
policy is one which helps you and other people fill your needs, heal, and
grow. A toxic policy inhibits these. Have you ever identified your
anger and frustration policies? Can you describe other key people's policies? Can
they?
See this
companion article for more
perspective on healthy policies about anger and frustration.
Anger and Healthy Mourning
Feeling
and expressing pain and anger are essential phases of healthy
So repressing grief-related
emotions
or inhibiting them in other people will
you and/or them,
promote
dominance, and weaken relationships.
Typical kids and
adults in all families have significant prior
(broken bonds) to mourn.
Premise:
incomplete grief
is one of
for
epidemic
U.S. divorce and "mental health problems.". Family
uses
awareness and
skills to detect and finish incomplete mourning. Adults' awareness of these anger
basics can help them (you) do that!
How well
people's anger and frustration policies mesh, and how toxic or healthy their policies are,
will shape...
-
whether they have “major anger problems” with each other, and...
-
how well they can use their policies to heal, grow, and strengthen their relationship.
This is true of in each key relationship in your life, and with your
Have you ever identified your Supreme Being’s anger policy?
“Anger problems”
take on a new perspective in the context false-self dominance and
Ad-ding this perspective will increase your
options to reduce and avoid “anger problems”
and be-tween you and other people.
Anger and False-self
Dominance
Premise - kids deprived of too
many psychological and spiritual
survive by automatic-ally developing a group of protective
and
coping strategies. Typical kids and parents aren’t aware of this, and regard the resulting attitudes and behaviors as “normal.”
If you're curious or skeptical about this premise, read this
memo and then try
this safe, interesting exercise.
Then return here.
Until in true
from
false-self wounds (Project
1), most adults (like you?) are unaware of...
Awareness of your
subselves can help you - or anyone - resolve all
your role and relationship
problems!
Let’s
continue building
practical ways to understand and manage anger constructively. Do you need a break
first?
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