The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/basics/money.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article
is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article suggests that most family “money problems”
are symptoms of three underlying primary problems. It
offers practical resolution options for these, based on
28 years' clinical
experience with over 1,000 typical Midwestern-US adults.
This article
assumes you're familiar with these concepts...
I assume you're reading this because you or someone you care about is having
trouble resolving some "money problem." To set the stage, try defining the
"financial problem" out loud - who needs what - specifically?
What's the (Surface) Problem?
In every age and culture, personal and family wealth - assets - are linked
to security, status, and various freedoms. Because these primal needs are
universal, so are "money-related problems" between family members and
others. In a marriage and family context, these problems can span things
like...
Access: one family member feels another
won't allow enough access to shared financial assets and/or financial records.
Ownership:
family members fight over my
money or your money vs. our money. Variations are...
-
who
manages the family checkbooks and savings accounts - and how they do that,
-
whose name is on asset-ownership
titles, and...
-
who's responsible for paying which key debts,
when, and how.
Money management
responsibility: Some family members want to follow a budget, and others
don't. Variations are
fighting over who does the taxes, chooses insurance, and manages
investments. “You should hire a stockbroker instead of risking our
security by playing the market with our PC!”
Parenting disputes can erupt over minor and
grown kids' values about, and behaviors with, money. This can include
disputes over allowances and gifts, .
Bill-paying and debt management,
including pre-marital debts: e.g. clashing values and/or tolerances
for specific or general debts, and different values about repayment
promptness, responsibility, and cooperation. A "money conflict" in some
families has to do with paying taxes.
Incomes and earnings: a family member
resents that another isn’t earning enough (or anything), and should ask
for a raise, change jobs, or get a job. A variation is someone
feeling chronically inferior (ashamed) and/or guilty because they're
earning or contributing less than a mate or other relative.
Allocation - disagreeing on who’s earnings
or assets should be spent on what. "You
want a sauna, and I think we should build the kids' college fund."
A fundamental family conflict is spending money vs. saving it.
Other "money problem" are conflicts over prenuptial agree-ments and
estate planning - e.g. what assets should go to which survivors after
death?
Priorities: one member is more
conservative about spending, debt limits, and/or saving. A
variation is disagreeing over how to
rank-order the problems above. Another variation is if, when, and how much
to invest in various kinds of insurance. A problem may occur when
a family member gambles excessively.
|
Alone and combined,
"money problems" like these are common
sources of personal, marital, and family stress.
They're specially complex and vexing in typical
families and
stepfami-lies. Every one of these stressors is a surface
problem. Until your family adults agree on this, you’ll probably grow weary from endless discussions or fights that yield frustration,
distrust, disre-spect, and avoidances rather than permanent
win-win solutions.
|
Now take a brief…
# Status check: T =
"true, F = false, and "?" = "I'm not sure," or "it depends on ___"
We
have one or more
serious family “money problems” now (T F ?)
If so, we have an effective
way of resolving them now; or if not, I know why. (T F ?)
Our family adults (a) are clear on their and each other's
long-term
and (b) our priorities agree well enough now. (T F ?)
When I have a significant money-related
concern, I feel my mate
well enough, most of the time. (T F ?)
Our adults
(a) are very clear on
the difference between fighting or arguing and win-win
and (b) we
usually are able to problem-solve effectively when disputes over money or other
things occur.
(T F ?)
I feel safe enough in
discussing
money issues with other family adults now, vs. fearing blow-ups,
screaming matches, icy silences, “old garbage,” etc. (T F ?)
I believe other family adults feel safe enough
in bringing up financial problems with me now. (T F ?)
I feel our other family adults respect and trust
my values and judgment over finances and asset and debt management now. (T F ?)
All our adults
know how to spot and effectively resolve
and
conflicts and as-sociated relationship
now. (T F ?)
We adults can consistently (a)
separate financial conflicts from other disputes, and (b)
on them until we’re
all satisfied. (T F ?)
We can each (a) name and clearly
describe each of these
seven
now, and (b)
we help each other use the skills effectively
often enough. (T F ?)
Now I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused,
resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert,
aware, serene, purposeful, and clear, so
my
true
is probably
directing my
If not, my false
self may have skewed my answers above. (T F ?)
Before continuing,
recall: what you need to get from reading this article.
To really resolve family "money" (and
other) problems, adults and supporters need to know how to spot and solve...
Three Primary Problems
A conflict, fight,
argument, or dispute means someone’s
aren’t getting
filled well enough in an acceptable-enough way.
An
occurs when none
of your family members (sub-selves) are willing to flex or compromise in
their values or demands.
Premise - any
surface "money" problems among your family members results from a mix of these:
-
significant false-self
(a disabled true Self), and...
-
ignorance of (lack of knowledge about)
and...
-
and
unawareness - e.g. focusing on surface problems and ignoring
you're trying to solve them together.
Brief perspective on these problems...
Psychological Wounds
One or more of you have
a
childhood, and a protective
controls you - in general, or when “money” (or other) conflicts arise. This
guarantees
communication
and other relationship problems.
Ignorance
(lack of information)
Your family adults don’t yet know enough about...
-
false-self wounding and wound-recovery
-
how false-self wounds hinder effective
and mutual
and maybe...
-
effective communication basics and skills and conflict-resolution
premises
-
healthy grieving
basics, and
of incomplete mourning
-
healthy-relationship
requisites; and if relevant...
-
stepfamily basics and realistic
expectations;
and...
-
how you can learn about all these, as
mutually-respectful teammates.
Self-motivated
and discussion solves this
primary problem over time, and
empowers you to reduce…
Shared Unawareness
You and your family members aren’t aware of...
-
false-self
-
your lack of information (above),
-
the
beneath your surface “money“ disputes, and...
-
the
you’re using to try
to fill your needs.
That means your members can’t yet distinguish between:
(ambivalence and “self-doubts”) vs. mutual conflicts.
Often you’ll need to
resolve conflicts among your subselves before you can resolve
disputes with other family members.
you’re communicating (your process), vs. what
you’re communicating about (your mo-ney topics).
lose-lose fighting vs.
win-win
Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer (PVR) relationship
And you probably can’t yet disting-uish between…
communication-
and
other conflicts over
(priorities),
and tan-gible things.
And you may be unaware of...
Uninformed or
misleading
advice. One or more of your adults may be relying on advisors who aren’t aware of
these three core problems and - if relevant - stepfamily
realities. If your adults seek financial, pastoral, legal and/or
clinical counseling for money-related (surface) problems, you probably won’t find
someone who can help you affirm and resolve these three primary problems.
If you’re using a
financial-management consultant, I’d be astonished if s/he said something like
“You’re financial problems of excessive debt and inability to balance income and expenses is
a symptom of false-self dominance, ignorance, and unawareness. We can help
you with these after you stabilize your finances.”
Solution Options
So:
I propose that to permanently resolve any family “money”
problems like those above, your family adults need to...
-
accept that
“money”
(or debts, expenses, investments, wills, allowances, savings, or
budgeting) is not your problem;
-
want to
(a) change some core
attitudes,
and (b) learn about
and
over time;
-
want to harmonize
your subselves under the guidance of your true Selves (Project 1), and...
-
want to help each other learn and apply the effective communication
in Project 2.
Though these are ongoing tasks, you can start
to benefit from soon after committing to them.
Pause... breathe... and notice how you feel, and what you're thinking. Is this what you expected when you
began reading this article? If the above is true in your unique family, what can you
adults do?
You
can
reduce your family “money” tensions if you commit to (a) prepare, (b) learn, and (c) act
together. The brevity of these suggestions doesn't mean they're
simple or quick:
1) Prepare
Decide if you just want to reduce your money
conflict/s, or you want to patiently strengthen your
family relationships together.
whether your
are in charge of your
or
is.
If the latter, make joint progress at Project 1
(wound-reduction) a family priority. Otherwise, the rest of
these options will be of little lasting value.
Periodically
refresh yourselves on these ideas about
analyzing and
resolving relationship prob-lems; and these
options for improving
communication outcomes with each other..
Agree on your
shared
If your priorities
clash, you have a
Accept that...
-
marital money
conflicts are
symptoms of the three primary problems
summarized above;
-
there are no quick fixes here;
-
you've probably been trying to solve or
avoid surface problems, which won't fill your
for long;
and accept that...
-
there really are ways to
permanently reduce your family money (and other) problems; and…
-
to resolve them, you adults must
each want to risk making
some
(core
attitude)
changes in what you believe and value.
-
you probably have several
significant family problems going on at once,
and need to separate and prioritize them together for
long-term success.
| Finally, get clear
on what it means to be
teammates i.e. sharing an
attitude of “I
genuinely believe your opinions, needs, goals,
and dignity are just as important as mine.” Is that what your conflicted
family members
usually experience? |
Help each other spot
toxic attitudes of "This is your problem, or “You’re
the problem
(and must want to change).” Change that to
"This is our problem, and
we both must want to change" without losing your respective
Also, help each other
stay alert to the difference between
superficial first-order and second-order (core attitude)
Once your
conflicted family members are
well-prepared, then commit to...
2) Learn Together
Read and discuss
these examples of digging-down to discern primary current needs. One example is how a
couple resolves a “money problem” using the Project-2
communication
together. Then…
Commit to patiently helping each other gain
proficiency with these seven communication
Your
goals are (a) to agree on a definition of "effective
(relationship)
and then (b) help each other achieve that together
over time.
If you're in a stepfamily, review the five re/divorce
to learn
and accept that (a) you’re a normal
so (b) you’re at high
risk of psychological or legal re/di-vorce unless you mates (c) genuinely commit to doing your version
of the Projects over time. This is equi-valent to
saying “to succeed at your life, go to college for four or more years, and
learn what you need to do.”
To augment your learning, read and discuss “Money
Advice for Your Successful Remarriage - Handling Delicate Financial
Issues With Love and Understanding;” (1996) by Patricia Schiff Estess. She
provides practical knowledge for effective stepfamily-money management, but
does not cover the three primary problems above.
After your family adults prepare and learn, then...
3) Act
If
someone feels
you have a significant family money-related conflict…
Help each other
consciously reframe
your “money” problem as “We need to
resolve a three-part problem: false-self
+
Expect a lot of resistance to this from your
protective
and perhaps other
(unaware or wounded) people. (“Yes but…”)
Reduce ignorance
by studying and discussing these
foundation articles and
these Q&A items.
Work
patiently together
on your version of...
-
Project
1. Over time, this healing work will free and empower your true Selves,
who will usually know how to successfully resolve your money-related (and
other) problems. As you work at needed wound-recoveries, invest time and energy
in…
-
Project
2. This will empower you partners to help each other grow seven
communication skills toward identifying and filling your respective primary needs.
As you learn to practice effective-communication basics
and skills, select from these
options as teammates
with a common goal (family harmony and nurturance).
Use
and
skills to look below your surface disagreement/s to identify what each
conflicted person really needs. Then choose an attitude of mutual
as you negotiate filling your respective primary needs.
-
Assess for these common
relationship barriers
between your conflicted family members. They either
cause or amplify your "money problems," so choose to
reduce the barriers first, when your true Selves lead
your personalities.
Do you know which subselves
control your personality now?
Recap
Because money is primally linked to (a) psychological security, (b)
self-esteem (“success”), and (c) freedom to fill other needs at
will, “money problems” can distract your family from filling more
in your relationships and
homes.
This article proposes that
your "money problems" are
symptoms of up to three interactive
primary
problems:
These are common manifestations of the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
that passes down your generations until someone proactively
stops it.
Recognizing, admitting, and breaking
the cycle is your real problem,
not "money"!
The article closes with some
specific action options.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect: why did you read this article? Did you get what you
needed? If not, what
you need? What do you want to do next? Who's
