Take your time here, and view
it as a high-return, long-term investment.
As you answer these items,
reflect on how other family adults and supporters would respond to _ each
item and _ taking this quiz.
Check an item only if you can
confidently check each sub-item.
Options:
-
try answering these
out loud to someone you trust, or to an imaginary group of high-school
seniors.
-
Consciously avoid vague generalities
("stepfamilies are just more stressful...") and be as specific as you can
["...because they (name the reasons)."]
-
identify (a) a typical intact biofamily
and (b) an existing stepfamily you know, and think of them with each
item below.
-
your reactions to taking this quiz as you go, or soon after
finishing.
Take heart -
you don't need to
be a Ph.D. to learn the answers here!
Then Assess Your Knowledge...
__ 1) _ Define "a
family," _ explain why families exist
(specifically), and _ describe what a "family
is.
__ 2) Name at least 15 of the ~30 traits of
a high-nurturance family (of any kind).
__ 3)
_ Define at least
of growing
up in a low-nurturance family environment, and
_ explain specifically how
these effects may impact
the development of a stepfamily over time.
__ 4) Describe what _ a
stepfamily is, _ what a
stepparent is, and _ the moment in time when a
typical
stepfamily "begins."
__ 5) Name at least
two things that distinguish a
stepfamily from other types of human family.
__ 6) Describe _ the term
and _ specifically why adults ignoring or minimizing
their step-identity
promotes escalating stress in and between their homes.
__ 7) Name at least five
signs that an adult or child has really
accepted her or his stepfamily identity.
__ 8) Describe the people who comprise
a
typical
__ 9) Describe _ what
"family
" means, and _ the specific
long-term risks of excluding a
minor or grown stepchild's "other (bio)parent" from
full
stepfamily membership
__ 10) Explain _ why it's
that
typical stepfamily
members will ever meet people in a
similarly-structured stepfamily, and
_ what
this usually means to them.
__ 11) Name at least six ways that typical
stepfamilies are
average intact
biofamilies
__ 12) _ Explain the terms
and
and _ name at least 15 of the ~30 ways
average stepfamilies differ structurally
from intact biofamilies;
__ 13) Identify at least 10 of the 16
categories of things average stepfamily adults and kids must
and stabilize after each bio-parent's committing to a new partner after
divorce or mate-death.
__ 14)
Name at least 15 of the ~30
adjustment tasks that typical new-stepfamily adults must make,
starting in serious courtship.
__ 15) Name the three or four sets of
adjustment needs that typical minor and
grown stepkids must fill
over time with
informed adult help;
__ 16) Name at least six ways
stepfamily courtship
differs from traditional dating by two never-married
partners.
__ 17)
Name at least eight traits
of the right partner to re/commit to. The
"/" notes that it may be a
stepparent's first union.
__ 18)
Name at least five of the
right reasons to re/commit and form or
join a stepfamily.
__ 19)
Name at least eight indicators
its the right time to re/commit and form or
join a stepfamily.
__ 20) Describe _ a (step)family
and
_ why stepfamily co-parents making and using
one is usually more
important than in intact biofamilies.
__ 21) Describe _ a co-parent
and _ why co-parents
negotiating and using them is
more
important in
typical stepfamilies than in intact biofamilies.
Pause, breathe, and reflect
- what are you thinking and feeling, so far? Do you need a break
before finishing the last half of the quiz?
__ 22) Describe specific
examples of _ a
conflict, _ a
and _ a
and
_ explain why these stress typical stepfamily adults and kids.
__ 23) Explain the paradox that
bioparents wanting to rank their dependent kids' needs
in typical
stepfamily conflicts
really puts them first, over time.
__ 24) Explain _ interpersonal
_ two types of personal
_ a family
and
_ a
home and stepfamily.
__ 25) Describe _ the three phases of
a typical
and
_ why it can take up to 15 or more years for
some adults and kids to
fully adjust to family reorganization from divorce.
__ 26) Name at least 10 common
invisible things that adults and
kid lose from _ biofamily divorce and _
bioparental re/committing and
cohabiting.
__ 27)
_ Define the
three levels of
,
_ name at least six
of
incomplete grief, and _ explain
why identifying
and freeing incomplete grief is vital in typical
families and
__ 28) Describe at least five of the
nine typical
to co-parenting cooperation between ex mates,
stepparents, and key
relatives; and _ what new mates need to do to grow co-parenting
together.
__ 29) Describe _ what a "successful child
visitation" is, and _ name at least
five
reasons why they are
hard to achieve in
many stepfamilies.
__ 30) Define _effective
child discipline, and _ at least 10 of the
21 differences between
intact-biofamily
discipline and child discipline in typical stepfamilies.
__ 31) Define _
family role, _ family role
title, _ a role conflict, _ role strain, and _ at
least 10 of the ~15
that typical stepfamily members must negotiate and agree on.
__ 32) _ Define
and
_ describe at least 20 of the~ 40 common
environmental
differences between
"stepparenting" and "traditional bioparenting."
__ 33) Define _ effective
_
effective
_ name at least five common
to effective problem solving, and _ describe the seven communication
anyone
can learn and use to promote effective
thinking and communication.
__ 34) Describe and
illustrate the
that determines the outcome of any communica-
tion, and the
quality of most social relationships.
__ 35) Describe why ex mates'
resorting to legal force to "win" disputes
over child-support, visitation, or
custody is always a lose-lose-lose choice, long term.
__ 36) Describe _ at least three
things that stress typical
co-grandparents, and _ key options for redu- cing each of them.
__ 37)
Name
_ at least 20 of the ~60 common
myths
that lay people and many professionals
believe
about stepfamilies, and
_ what their corresponding
realities usually are.
__ 38) Name
why typical U.S. stepfamilies
experience
significant stresses, are significantly
systems, and often
psychologically or legally.
__ 39) _ Define "effective stepfamily
support," and _ explain
why most stepfamily adults don't
seek or use
it appropriately.
__ 40) Describe _ the key phases of a
typical stepfamily's developmental cycle,
_
the three main
outcomes of the cycle,
_ which outcome is most common in America recently, and _ why.
__ 41)
Describe key criteria for
evaluating written and verbal stepfamily advice.
__ 42)
Describe at least three of the
very real benefits of belonging to a
stepfamily.
+ + +
|
My experience with over 1,000 typical American divorcing-family and stepfamily
adults
suggests that typical co-parents (including ex mates) and their lay and professional
supporters need accurate information on these items (and others) to avoid or resolve most
|
Implication:
informed or qualified stepfamily supporters are people who are
fluent in each of these concepts. If you have used, or are using, professional
help for your stepfamily (counselors, therapists, attorneys, clergy,
coaches, and/or
tutors), how would each of your consultants do on this quiz? How
would each of your blood and legal relatives do? Your stepkids' other
bioparent/s?
Now compare how you feel about your stepfamily-knowledge level
to what you thought before the quiz...
|
_ I know nothing about
stepfamilies
_ I know far less than I
thought I did
_ I know about what I thought I
did
|
_ I know more than I
realized
_ I now know
all I need to know
about stepfamilies.
|
Perspective: This is one
sixth of the
basic knowledge that co-parents need to neutralize the wide-spread
hazard of
Take these quizzes to learn about the other
five:
There are almost 100 more
detailed stepfamily topics for co-parents to
learn, based on these six
knowledge areas. The
Solutions part of this educational Web site
and the related
guidebooks present summary articles on all of them.
Now What?
Use these options to help decide what you want to do with what you just
learned:
Recall why you took this quiz. Did
you get what you
If you have new needs, what are they?
If you skipped some links, go back
and follow any of interest when you're undistracted.
If you want to ask other people to take and discuss this
quiz, (a) who are they, and (b)
do you want
to do this?
On a scale of 1 (little motivation)
to 10 (highly motivated), how motivated are you now to spend significant
time studying the answers to these items? ___ Doing this with one or
more people (like your mate) can be more interesting, and probably more productive!
If
you're (ever) in a co-parent support group,
consider using the six related quizzes in this Web site as a framework for weekly
discussion topics and "homework."
If you haven't yet, scan these
Questions
Co-parents Should Ask. They summarize and link to specific answers to most of the
items in the six quizzes. So do these
foundation articles.
Review these introductions to
the [wounds + unawareness] cycle (slides
or text)
that may stress your family and descendents, and to these stepfamily (slides
or text) and
stepparen-ting (slides or
text) basics.
Review how stepfamilies are
similar to, and very
different from, intact (traditional)
biofamilies
Review this
example of a real-life stepfamily
Study these useful
terms and phrases about families and
relationships, teach them to others, and use them to improve your
thinking and communication
Note that this free, downloadable
Remarriage Preparation
answers many of these items.
Evaluate these
experience-based suggestions on how to
select a useful stepfamily book, an
effective counselor, and
how to assess
stepfamily advice.
Use the topics
above as a
framework for educating your
children and relatives about your stepfamily. They don't know what they need to
know, and probably have confusions and misconceptions they can't articulate.
Give a copy of this quiz
(or
of them) to your kids' teacher/s and school counselors and
coaches. They probably have many stepkids in their classrooms and
offices, and maybe in their homes.
Invest in
one or more
of the guidebooks
that integrate most articles and worksheets in this nonprofit Web site. Then study
and discuss these practical books with the other adults in your
stepfamily over many months to strengthen your shared knowledge and
family nurtur-ance level.
If you're a human-service
professional, use these six quizzes to help design useful in-service training
programs in your workplace. If you're a clergyperson, see
this.
If you're a media professional, see
this.
If
a
dominates your
you'll probably minimize or ignore your quiz results and
these options, or
acting on them, and
this as "OK" or "necessary."
Recap
The purpose of this quiz is to alert people interested in stepfamily
health and success to the vital need for adult education. Most such people
don't know what they need to know.
Typical stepfamilies are
high-stress, multi-problem
living environments for most of their members. About 15% to 20% of American
families live "in step." The high majority follow one or more
legal divorces, and
include
co-parents and several minor and/or grown stepkids.
Perhaps
another 20-25% of US families are
or widowed, and will
become a stepfamily in the next decade. Co-parents can enjoy the major
benefits that a high-nurturance stepfamily can yield if they
admit and work patiently
to overcome
together - ideally starting when adult dating turns "seri-ous." One hazard is
unawareness of the topics in these six quizzes, and of the long-term
consequences of this unawareness.
Helping each other turn unawareness and myths
into realistic stepfamily expectations is co-parent
The Web
address of this quiz is http://sfhelp.org/basics/quiz_sf.htm