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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/defensive.htm

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        This is one of a series of brief articles on how to respond effectively to annoying social behavior. An "effective response" occurs when the responder (a) gets their primary needs met well enough, and (b) both people feel respected enough.

        This article offers useful responses to the behavior of someone you experience as "over-defensive" It assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lessons 1 and 2 basic options for all responses how to give effective feedback to someone ways to improve communication with adults and kids. overviews of effective assertion and empathic listening skills.

        Can you think of an adult or child who seems overly defensive with you or other people? Kepp them and your normal response to them in mind as you read.

Defensiveness 101

        The first steps in responding to any problem behavior are to be aware of it, and to understand what causes it.

        How would you describe "personal defensiveness" to a pre-teen? Do you agree that defending is a primal response to feeling "attacked" (threatened, disrespected, and/or misunderstood)? How do you react to these common social dynamics?

Seethe? Justify? Apologize? Deny?

Protest? Metatalk? Whine? Blame?

Argue? Withdraw? Defend? Plead?

Explain? Feel resentful? Threaten? Question?

Do your responses usually bring you serenity or stress?

        Four things that combine to promote over-defensiveness are...

• being dominated by a protective false self; and...

• unawareness of primary needs, feelings, social behaviors, and communication options; and... 

• real threats, criticisms, and disrespect; and...

• imagined or expected ones.

        Shame-based or fear-based (wounded) people may feel criticized when others offer them con-structive feedback. They may misinterpret other's behaviors and attitudes as being critical or superior when they're not. That's one result of the psychological wounds of shame and reality distortion. 

        If an over-defensive person's behavior doesn't imply a mutual-respect attitude, you may feel irrita-ted, frustrated, and/or critical. Those are apt to degrade your communication and relationship, unless you problem-solve them together as teammates.

        Do these ideas match your experience? Is there a "best way" to respond to an overly-defensive person?

Response Options

        Recall: An "effective response" occurs when the responder (a) gets their primary needs met well enough, and (b) both people feel respected enough. So...

• Start by checking to see (a) if your true Self is guiding you, and (b) if you respect both of you as equals in dignity and worth. If not, you risk an ineffective or harmful response.

• Check your attitude about the person. Does their over-defensiveness lower your respect or cause pity or criticism? Do you tune them out? These are usually signs of a diligent false self.

• Remind yourself of your mutual rights as two dignified people.

• Decide what outcome you want from your response. Beware of trying to "fix," "save," or "guilt-trip" your partner. Those imply a false self rules you.

• If appropriate, ask the other person if s/he's open to some (constructive) feedback. Moat people will say "OK" out of curiosity and/or politeness.

• If you need to vent, compose and deliver an ''I''-message like this...

"(Name), I experience you as being often defensive. When you do that, I feel _____________."

• If you need information, try something like this with steady eye contact...

"(Name), are you feeling criticized / misunderstood / judged / threatened / attacked (by me, or someone) now?" If the person asks why you ask, offer "Because I experi-ence you as pretty defensive now."

• If you want to help the other person be more aware of their behavior, try...

"(Name), I'm aware that you often need to explain or justify your decisions and actions. When you do, I feel uncomfortable because it feels like you're putting yourself down. I respect you, and I'm not here to judge you."

        An indirect way of doing the same thing is...

"(Name), I'm curious. How do you feel when someone seems over-defensive? How do you usually respond?"

• For more ideas, see these response options to someone who seems burdened by inferiority, excessive guilt, and/or insecurity.

• Whatever response you choose, it may be misperceived as a criticism or attack. If it evokes more defensiveness, use empathic listening to acknowledge (vs. agree with) the person, and decide if you want to repeat your original feedback. An alternative is to ask something like...

"Do you feel like I'm criticizing / attacking you now?"

Be alert for a denial that seems phony (a double message).

        Pause and reflect. How do these responses compare to the way you usually behave with an over-ly-defensive person? How do you feel such a person would react to each of them? Is there anything preventing you from trying out responses like these?

Recap

        This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting effective ways to respond to common social be-haviors. This article proposes the cause of excessive defensiveness, and ways to respond effectively to it. The ways are based on...

• keeping your true Self in charge,  and knowing what you feel and need;

• maintaining a mutual-respect attitude;

• clarity on your feelings, needs, and mutual Rights; and...

• fluency in the relationship skills of awareness, assertion, and empathic listening.

+ + +

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  11-18-11