The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/double.htm
Updated
04/11/2015
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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behaviors. An effective
response occurs
when you (a) get your
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
respected enough.
To
get the most from this article,
read these first:
Perspective
Face to face, we communicate simultaneously over
three "channels": verbal (words);
paraverbal
(voice dynamics - tone, rhythm, accent, volume,
etc.); and nonverbal (face and body language).
Our amazing brain can simultaneously send
different - and sometimes contradictory -
messages on each channel.
Thus my words may say "I'm not upset." and my
voice dynamics and eye contact may say ("I'm
enraged / sad / frustrated / etc.!").
English
speakers call this common communication dynamic
a
double or mixed message.
Are you usually aware of receiving them? Can you
describe how you feel?
Depending on the context, normal conscious and
unconscious responses are confusion, doubt,
anxiety, frustration ("What do you really
mean?"), impatience, and perhaps laughter. Mixed
messages differ from
puns,
which use spoken words' several meanings - like
bus and buss, or snort (a stiff
drink or a nasal sound) - to cause humor.
Puns are usually delivered synchronously on all
three channels, unless a subself is broadcasting
glee.
Some cultures prize little or no facial and body
language, which may promote subtle double
messages. have you ever conversed with "an
inscrutable Oriental" or an "unemotional
Englishman"?
The idea that normal
are composed of semi-independent
explains why double messages occur - usually
unconsciously: for example, your diligent
subself may cause you to say "Great to see
you!", as your
signals "Yeah, just great. We'll probably
be bored to death again!" with your face and
body language. This has caused the timeless
observation that
"Words
can lie - bodies can't."
Some
people become so adept at controlling all three
communication channels that they're called
"glib," "slick," "pathological liars," "phony,"
"scam artists," and "crooks." Know
anyone like this? A common problem with
(wounded) people who try and mask their real
feelings and thoughts is other people
distrusting and avoiding them.
Response Options
-
Be alert for
feeling confused or "uneasy" in important
social conversations, and use objective
to check for conflicting messages on several
communication channels.
-
Check yourself and your partner for who
your teams of subselves. If a
does, you have a bigger problem than double
messages. If your partner's Self is
(wounded), see these
options.
-
Check your
about your partner. If it's not
mutual respect, suspect that a false self
governs you, and decide what you want to do
about that.
-
Check your current
If it's "above your ears," take
comfortable breaths and decide what needs that
suggests. Option - ask your partner
for
-
Decide what
outcome you need from your response. Do
you need to vent, instruct, confront,
clarify, or something else?
-
Depending on
your purpose, compose a statement like
these...
"(Name),
I'm confused. Your words say __________, but
your face / body / voice suggests
_______________.
"(Name),
I'm getting a double / mixed message from
you."
"(Name),
you say nothing's wrong, but you won't meet
my eyes."
"(Name),
you say it was awful, and you chuckle. Are
you aware of that?"
And
if
the person knows about personality subselves,
you might say...
"(Name),
it seems like part of you feels _________,
and another part of you wants deny that."
-
If appropriate,
ask if your partner is willing to hear some
personal feedback. Usually curiosity
and politeness will yield a nod and/or "OK."
Then deliver your feedback calmly, with
steady eye contact (if you can get it).
Expect some "resistance," like denial, an
explanation, a shrug, silence, "So what?,"
indifference, whining, etc. If appropriate,
use empathic listening to affirm the
"resistance" - e.g. ...
"So
you don't feel you're giving me a mixed
message" (or whatever).
Then repeat your
feedback until you get the outcome you need,
or it becomes clear that you won't.
"(Name),
I'm getting another confusing double message
from you. I'm starting to doubt / distrust
what you tell me."
Reflect - what are you thinking and feeling
about these optional responses? Do they seem
practical and useful? If not - why? If your
reasons sound like...
|
"No-one talks like this."
"S/He'd think I was wacko."
"I
might hurt their feelings."
|
"Too much trouble!"
"S/He'd
cut me off."
"S/He'd be insulted."
|
suspect that a
protective false-self is generating your
thoughts.
Your
true Self might say something like...
"Hm.
Different. Might work; what's to lose? I'll
experiment with responses like these."
Stay aware that these are illustrations, not
cookbook examples.
Sense
the theme of these responses, and invent your
own!
