The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/monolog.htm
Updated
01-27-2015
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This is one of a series of brief articles on how
to respond effectively to annoying social
behavior. An effective response occurs
when you get your
primary needs met
well enough, and both people feel
heard and respected enough.
This article offers useful responses to
someone who tends to talk without stopping. It assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit Web site and the
premises
underlying it
This brief YouTube video previews the suggestions below:
Perspective
Is there someone in your life who often talks
"non-stop"? When they do, how do you feel?
Irritated?
Impatient?
Ambivalent?
Bored?
Critical?
Resigned?
ignored?
Amused?
Numb?
Something else?
How do you normally respond -
Endure (repress your needs)? Tune out?
Interrupt? Hint? Avoid conflict? Leave? Pretend
interest? Joke? Fidget? Complain? Blame?
Analyze?
Your
responses usually indicate what you need
with a non-stop talker - for example...
to be included
and respected;
to respect
yourself (honor your integrity);
to avoid
confrontation or conflict;
to preserve or
improve your relationship;
to be "polite,"
"considerate," and not "hurt the person's
feelings;"
to attend to
something else ("not waste time");
to have a
dialog, not a monolog;
to change the
subject if you're bored or disinterested;
to inform the
person what they're doing, and how it
affects you;
to problem-solve
(meet your and their needs well enough);
and/or...
something else.
Notice that
you may have several needs at
once, which may
conflict
and paralyze you, and/or cause frustration and
anxiety.
When this is true, it often means a
false self
controls you locally. To best fill your
several needs, you need your
true Self
to guide you.
Why do people monolog?
Though every
person and situation is unique, they may
need to...
avoid an uncomfortable dialog; or...
keep control of the situation (avoid
discomfort); or...
be understood and validated on a
topic; or to...
release "nervous energy;" or...
pass the time safely; or to...
tell an important story (again, as in
grieving); or need...
something else.
When you're with someone who fills needs like
these by monologing (keeping a one-person
awareness bubble),
consider your...
Response Options
Use
awareness to notice (a) the other person's
monologing, (b) how you feel, and
(c) what you need in this situation
(above);
As
needed, mentally review these
basics until
they become automatic;
Watch for a chance to interrupt the other
person, and say one or more of these:
"(Name), excuse
me. Can I give you some personal feedback
now?"
If s/he says
"No" or "OK, But first let me ______ ;"
choose the right time to demand:
"I need you to stop (talking)
and listen to me now." Repeat this
until s/he stops.
"When you talk
non-stop, I tune you out."
"You've been
talking nonstop for ____ minutes. Are you
aware of that?"
"When you talk
on and on and don't seek any response from
me, I feel ignored, disrespected, and
frustrated."
"Can you sum up what you need me to
know here?" (If s/he does, offer a
hearing check
to demonstrate you've heard the
person clearly.
"(Name), what do you need from me
right now?" If s/he ignores or
discounts you, try...
"(Name), who's needs are more
important to you now - yours or mine?" The best answer is "Both of ours."
"Here's what I
need from you right now: __________,
_________, and ________."
"(Name), I'm
really not interested in all that detail."
Use the theme of these
examples(brevity,
sincerity, directness, and respect)to shape
your own responses to fit the situation.
Finally...
People governed
by a false self may "resist" responses like
these. They may ignore you, complain, deny,
excuse, explain, get sarcastic, blame,
whine, go silent, etc.
Expect this normal reaction, and
affirm it with respectful
empathic listening. Then calmly repeat your original
response
with steady eye contact. Repeat this
sequence until you get your needs met well
enough or your needs change.
Back away from these details, and compare these
examples to the way you're used to responding
to distractions. Are you motivated to try these
options and see what happens?
Recap
This is one of a series
of brief articles suggesting effective ways to
respond to common social behaviors. This article offers (a) perspective on
why people talk non-stop (monolog), and (b)
illustrates ways to
respond effectively to them. The ways are
based on...
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and mutual
rights,
and...
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/monolog.htm
Perspective
Why do people monolog?