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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior. An "effective response" occurs
when the responder (a) gets her or his
met and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers (a) perspective on
people who repeat themselves, and (b)
illustrates effective responses to them. The
article
assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
Can you think of an adult or child who
chronically repeats themselves? This can take
many forms - repeating memories / jokes /
expressions / ideas / worries / preaching /
nagging / questioning, and so on. Whether their
repetition is annoying or endearing depends on
many factors.
Some forms are more irritating than others. For
instance, nagging ("reminding") is
repeating re-quests or demands flavored with
disapproval or criticism. It can imply "I don't
trust you," and/or "You displease me."
Preaching or moralizing over and over
implies "I know more or better than you."
Re-peating stories or jokes implies "I'm focused
on filling my needs now, and I'm not aware of
(or I mini-mize) your needs."
Understanding why people repeat
themselves can help to form an effective
response. Possibil-ities: they...
-
don't feel
adequately heard or understood
by the listener;
-
didn't get the
response they needed from the listener;
-
want to
emphasize the importance of their point;
-
can't remember
saying _____ before, or whom they said it
to;
-
want to re-enjoy
sharing something amusing or entertaining;
and/or they...
-
need to avoid
some other topic or an uncomfortable
silence;
-
aren't able to
articulate their real opinion, need, or
experience;
-
are working
through normal grief over an important loss
(broken bond); and/or...
-
they need
something else.
Can
you think of other reasons kids and adults
repeat themselves? Would knowing your repeater's
need/s alter your attitude and response to them?
How do
you normally feel with chronic
repetition? Bored? Irritated? Frustrated?
Resigned? Dis-tracted? Amused? Impatient? Numb?
Weary? Victimized? Compassionate? Critical?
What do
you normally do -
Interrupt? Tune out? Shut down? Pretend interest
(be "polite")? Chuckle? Joke? Confront? Snap?
Complain? Yawn? Leave? Change the
subject? Comment? How do you feel about the way
you respond? Does it nourish or harm your
relationship?
An effective response to over-repeaters depends
on your and their needs. With your favorite
repeater (or nagger) in mind, consider these...
Response Options
-
Mentally review...
-
these
basic options;
-
how to give
effective
feedback;
-
steps to
effective
and
-
your mutual
rights
as dignified persons.
-
how you
feel with an overly-repetitive
person (above)
-
specifically
what outcome you need from responding to
the person - to vent, inform, learn,
cause change, set or enforce a limit,
problem-solve, or something else.
Then...
-
Ask
if s/he is open to some personal feedback.
If s/he says "No," you have a different
problem to respond to. If the person agrees,
choose an option like these, depending on
what you need...
-
Depending on
what outcome you need, choose one or more of
these:
To Vent, Inform, or Learn
"So you want me to know __________."
(Summarize the main points the
speaker has made)
"(Name). are you
aware of how often you repeat yourself?"
"You've told me
that before."
"Do you feel I'm
hearing you well enough?"
"What do you
need from me now?"
"When you need
to repeat yourself, I feel _________ (and I
start tuning you out)."
"That's the
third time you've told me that."
To Cause Change or Set a Limit
"I'm interested
in what you say, but not when you repeat
yourself."
"(Name), I don't
need to hear that again."
"From now on,
when you repeat yourself, I'm going to call
you on it (or put my fingers in my
ears.)"
"I'm going
to hold up a finger for each time you repeat
yourself."
"Stop."
"If you're
not sure I'm hearing you, ask me for a
OK?"
With any responses like these, expect the
other person to deny, explain, excuse, whine,
blame, change the subject, bring up the past,
get huffy or angry, go silent, over-apologize,
or something simi-lar.
Use
respectful empathic listening to acknowledge
them, and then calmly repeat your response
with steady eye contact. Do this as often as
needed until you get your needs met or your
needs change.
Responses to Avoid
Responses like those above work best if your
true Self is
and you have a genuine
attitude.
If these aren't true, you risk making lose-lose
responses like these:
"Are you
brain dead? You already told me that!"
(disrespect)
"You win
the gold medal for nagging, (Name)."
(disrespect and sarcasm)
"Do we
have to go through this again?"
(heavy sarcasm)
"(Name),
color me bored!"
(indirectness and implied criticism)
"Blah blah
blah..." (with an eye-roll and
heavy sigh...)
"'Bye!" (missing a
chance to assert and/or problem-solve)
Silence or
pretended interest.
This
is a dishonest double message. It may
diminish your self-respect and rob the
speaker of awareness and a chance to
improve.
If there's a repeater or a nagger in your life,
imagine using responses like these to get your
needs met respectfully. Recall our
definition of an "effective response" (above). Do you think these
responses would "work" for you? How do they compare with the way you usually react
to excessive repetition? Responses like these will
work best if you express their theme in your own
language and style, rather than parroting them.
Recap
This is one of a series of brief illustrations
on how to respond effectively to common annoying
social behaviors. This offers options for
responding to someone who repeats themselves
"too often" in your judgment.
Effective social responses
are based on...
-
having your true
Self
your
-
a genuine
mutual-respect attitude,
-
clarity on your
feelings, needs; and mutual
Rights, and...
-
fluency in the
skills of
and
Do you usually meet
these criteria in social situations? If not
(yet) - what's in your way?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read
this article? Did you get what you needed? If
not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
.
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