Continued...
The Common Problem-solving
Pattern
There are common themes to these examples which
may occur in the way your family members try to resolve personal and
mutual "problems" (unfilled needs). They include...
Partners aren't
aware of...
often being dominated by a false self;
and...
the difference between surface needs
and primary needs;
what they and other family members
their communication
and...
these four unawarenesses; so...
...they focus endlessly on
their surface conflicts, just as their
childhood caregivers and mentors probably did; and...
Each
partner
blames and
resents one or more other people for their problems (unmet needs), instead of digging down to learn what they
really need and taking responsibility for filling their
own needs.
They argue, fight, explain,
deny, debate, blame, defocus, or withdraw, rather than digging
down and
doing win-win problem-solving together as
mutually-respectful partners.
Each adult is unaware of how their well-meaning false selves keep them
focused on surface con-flicts, instead of on their
deepest (level 4) needs to...
-
their
to lead their
(personalities),
-
help other adults and kids do the same,
without
taking responsibility for the other adults; and partners need
to...
-
become skilled at effective
internal and interpersonal
problem solving - i.e.
at dis-cerning and filling primary needs;
Other common facets of how typical adults try to problem-solve are...
People's' false
selves use other adults and kids as weapons, messengers, pawns, or supporters
in the adults' surface battles. One family result: dependent kids are growing up in a
low-nurturance environment of caregiver mistrust,
disrespect, guilt, frustration, repression, and anger. That promotes
kids' developing their
own psychological wounds a day at a time.
No one is aware this is happening;
and...
Most
(all?) family
members and supporters are unaware of these communication themes and
what to do about them. This significantly hampers their ability to problem-solve effectively
together, so
stress accumulates as their primary needs go unfilled. This
is probably a major reason for our U.S. divorce epidemic, "troubled kids," and other major personal and social
problems.
Does this outline make sense to you? If so,
how can you and your communication partners avoid trying fruitlessly to
solve surface
problems, like endlessly clipping off weed-tops vs. pulling out their
roots. Enduring this risks (a) gradual erosion of your relationship harmony and
family
nurturance level, and
(b) unintentionally
any dependent kids.
"Dig Down"
Tips
Scan all these options and imagine trying them. Then note your
reaction. If it's interest, enthusiasm, and commitment, your true Self
(capital "S") is
probably guiding you. If not,
may be controlling your
thoughts and decisions...
1)
Don't try digging down unless
your true Self is clearly
you. When s/he isn't, practice setting him/her
from other subselves (Lesson 1 here), or lower your expectations.
2)
The
biggest blocks to effective
thinking and communication are psychological wounds + ignorance of
communication basics and
skills. Committing
to patient work at
will reduce both
blocks over time. Are you committed to that yet? Are your other family
adults?
3)
Check your attitudes:
-
If
you were taught that being "needy" is weak or childish, change that to
"normal and inevitable." Needs are simply emotional, physical, or
spiritual discomforts. If other people criticize you for
focusing on needs, tell them that all human behavior (including
theirs) comes from trying to reduce daily discomforts (needs).
-
If you don't genuinely feel
"your and my current
(non-emergency) needs are equally important to me," suspect
that a
false self rules you and lower your expectations.
-
If you weren't taught your rights as a
dignified person, evolve a "Bill" like this
sample and use it to validate
and assert your needs. Other adults and kids have the same rights!
4)
Learn
to discern and name your emotions, and see them all as useful
pointers to your current needs. Distinguish between feeling
emotions (an unconscious mind-body reflex) and expressing them (a
choice).
5) Stay aware that (a)
most needs come in layers - surface > intermediate > primary, and (b)
filling surface needs means they'll often return until you fill the primary
needs that cause them.
6) Edit these common primary needs to suit your values and
experience, and refer to them:
I need to feel...
|
● inherently
worthy, lovable, and loved
● accepted and
respected by key
people
● free to make
personal life decisions
● free to
assert personal
opinions and needs and be heard
● free
to develop
personal
spirituality
● freedom to learn and grow
● free
to seek, evaluate, and accept help
● free to learn about and enjoy the world
● safe from
pain, loss, and overwhelm
|
●
competent
and confident at life tasks
● realistic hope for
filling key needs
●
aware of
current needs and feelings
● free to seek, receive,
and give love
●
free to fill current
physical needs, including sensual pleasure and release
● free to
conceive and nurture kids
● free to
balance work, play, and rest
● free to
choose how to use time, talents, and personal energy
● free to explore and
create |
Stay aware that in every situation, your and other people's
primary needs come from your body and your dominant
Tip 7) Practice
identifying and comparing your and other people's communication needs...
-
to feel respected by yourself and
your partner (a constant), and one or more of these:
-
to give or get information,
-
to vent (be heard and accepted),
-
to cause action or change,
-
to avoid something unpleasant (like
boredom or self-awareness).
8)
View "problems" and "conflicts" as being
unfilled primary needs among your and other people's subselves.
Apply this four-level hierarchy of problem-perceptions to
help dig-down with any significant conflict among your subselves and with
kids and other adults:
Level 1:
surface problems:
blame someone else for your current problems,
and expect them to fill your needs;
Level 2:
blame
yourself and other people for
causing your problems.
Level 3:
take full responsibility for filling your own daily needs.
In important situations,
dig down below surface needs to
discern what you and any partners really need, and help each
other brainstorm to fill your respective primary needs well enough - as
teammates.
Level 4: Many
needs ultimately come from false-self dominance + unawareness
of key information. Every able adult (like you) is responsible
for admitting and correcting this.
Dig-down Tip 9) In
important or confusing situations,
try to identify the personality subselves who are creating your needs. Sort
and prioritize them, and then
identify what your true Self needs.
10) Distinguish what you need from what other
people say or think you need.
Tip 11) Don't overindulge your (subselves') need to "be nice
and kind." Respectfully give other able adults the responsibility for filling their
own primary needs without guilt or shame. Beware of compulsively helping
or rescuing (enabling) able people in non-emergencies, and accept that
sometimes compassionately not helping is the best aid
you can provide,
12) When
you're conflicted, experiment with this technique: once your
is "below your ears" and you can listen,
ask yourself and/or
your conflict partner
"What do you need right now?"
Trust the first response, and then ask...
-
"OK, why do you need
that?" or ask...
-
"And you need that now in order to...?" or
-
"If you don't
get that need filled, what might happen?" and...
-
"If that (bad thing)
happened, what would that mean to you?"
Repeat this sequence nonjudgmentally with each answer that appears. Expect some
anxiety and confusion. When people first try digging down,
they often reach a point where the answer is "I don't know (what I need
or feel)." Practicing breath-awareness,
and listening
to your
usually improves that.
Dig-down Tip 13) Help each other use some new
problem-solving terms and phrases. In addition to learning these metatalk
concepts and terms,
experiment with phrases like these together...
-
"What do you need from
me now?" (then use empathic listening to see if you heard
clearly!)
-
"What I need
from you now is..."
-
"I'm not clear on what
you need from me now."
-
"So you need me
to..." (a
-
"I'm not sure
you understand what I need from you now."
-
"Who do you feel is
responsible for filling your need?"
-
"That feels like a surface
need to me. Let's do some digging."
-
"I think we're
focusing on surface problems and needs. Will you (I need you to) help me dig down to
Level 3?"
-
"Whoa!
I sense that you and I are on different (problem-perception) levels. Let's
to see if our
true Selves are
OK?"
-
"Which of
your
needs to feel heard
(or whatever) now?"
-
"I feel like we're struggling here.
Let's see if your communication needs and mine
OK? What do you need from me as we're talking right now besides
respect?
You and the key people in your life probably aren't used to using
phrases and questions like these to help each other fill your relationship needs
- right? What do you think might happen if you intentionally experimented with phrases like these
with important adults and kids?
Tip 14) Use your dig-down results (primary needs) as
input to win-win
These dig-down tips complement other options and
tips adults have to improve their communication
effectiveness together. As you
explore and learn
together, enjoy modeling your learnings for your kids and teaching them
effective communication and problem solving basics - a priceless
life-long gift!
Reality Check
See where you stand with these ideas. A
= "I agree;" D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It
depends on (what?)"
My
is
answering these questions now. (A D ?)
I can clearly explain
and illustrate the concept
of surface needs and underlying primary needs to a high school
freshman now. (A D ?)
I accept that every
able adult is responsible for identifying and filling their own primary needs. (A D ?)
I accept that adults and kids
communicate to fill (satisfy) their primary needs. (A D ?)
I can clearly define what
effective communication is now. (A D ?)
I can explain the concept of
"digging down" through four levels of perception to a typical early teen. (A D ?).
I'm motivated to (a) forge my own
list of primary human needs now, and
to (b) try digging down with various people and situations to see if it
helps to identify primary needs. (A D ?)
I'm interested in alerting other
adults to communication basics and skills, and teaching
them to the young people in my life. (A D ?)
Learning to
and
effectively is among my top life priorities now.
(A D ?)
Pause and reflect - what did you just learn?
Preparations
Get the most from this skill-practice by doing the following...
-
Option - Find a partner who shares your interest in
improving your communication effectiveness,
and is willing to practice some skills with you. Whether you practice
alone or with a partner, do the following:
-
Both of you read and discuss this
introduction to effective communication,
including a summary of seven powerful skills any motivated person can
learn and benefit from.
-
Invest time practicing communication
and
together. You'll use these skills in this
practice.
-
Review this article on giving effective
feedback to another person, and
experiment with doing so during the practice.
-
Both of you read this
article carefully, and
test your understanding of the dig-down concept by explaining it to an
adult or older child who has never heard of it. Ask the per-son to say
back their understanding of the concept to see if they "got it."
-
Find an undistracted place and time period
(say 30" or more), and bring a laptop or some paper and something to
write with.
-
Each of you decide whether your
is
your
If not, guesstimate who
is
leading (a
Option - have an inner
dialog with any subselves who are
your Self (capital "S"), and ask that they relax and allow
your Self to do these learning exercises. If either of you is skeptical
about personality subselves, read this letter.
Practices
You
have two options...
-
Solo: focus on several recent needs
you experienced, and dig down below them with or without a
practice-partner; and...
-
Duo: each partner focus on a recent interaction
between themselves and another person, and help the other dig down to
guesstimate the primary needs of each person involved.
Read
all these steps first, and tailor them to fit your levels of knowledge and
your needs. The goal of this practice is to gain experience at identifying
typical primary needs underneath surface problems. Stay aware that
"problems" are unfilled needs, and that identifying your primary needs is the
first step in effec-tive problem-solving.
Solo Practice
You
can do this by yourself or with a partner.
If you use a partner, his or her
role is to ask you the questions below, and possibly affirm your answers
with
-
not to comment or suggest solutions. Partners can also practice
and non-judgmentally notice and report your behavioral responses to the
dig-down process.
Recall a recent common or special personal need ("problem") that had
some urgency. Pick one that you're comfortable describing to your
practice-partner, if any. Examples: "I needed to call a plumber / go grocery
shopping / call (someone) / make a dental appointment / plan a trip /
research something / figure out how to ____. / confront (someone about
something) / update my will / etc.
Say your need or problem out loud, in no more than one sentence.
Finish this sentence: "I needed to ____ because..." Option - your
partner can ask you "Why did you need ___?" Example: "I needed to call my
dentist for an appointment."
Ask this question with the answer you got. "Why did you need to call for
an appointment?" ("Because I haven't had a checkup in almost a year.")
Discipline yourself not to compute,
assume, edit, or judge the answer - just accept the first response that
occurs to you.
Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why did you need a dental
checkup?" ("Because I was worried I might have cavities or gum disease."
Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why are you concerned
about cavities and gum disease?" ("Because I don't want to get sick, lose
any teeth or have major oral pain, or incur major dental expenses later.")
Repeat this question with each of these answers. if you need to - e.g.
"Why did you want to avoid major dental expenses?" ("Because I don't have
dental insurance, or any savings.")
Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why do you need dental
insurance or financial savings?" ("Because I need to feel financially
secure.")
Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why do you need to feel
financially secure?" ("Because I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for the
kids, and they'll suffer.")
And
so on. When you feel you've dug down far enough, sum up what you discovered:
"So my primary need is
an effective financial plan to reduce my anxiety about my kids'
welfare, Making a dental appointment is a surface need.
At
this point (in or outside the practice), you can shift into
- e.g. "What's in the way of making an effective financial plan?"
At
any stage of this process, you may get "I don't know why I need that." If
so, ask something like "What might happen if you don't get ______?" Another
option is to recheck whether your Self (capital "S") is still
your other subselves. If not, consider options like
and retry the question.
Option - after this practice, compare this dig-down process to what
you normally do with filling common needs
(resolving
problems). Does it make sense to you that without digging down in
important (not all) situations, your primary needs will remain unfilled and
probably cause more surface problems (discomforts)?
Reciprocal (Two-person) Practice
The goal here is to objectively identify each
person's current primary needs, to facilitate
effective problem-solving. Option - affirm that each person's
needs, rights, and dignity were of equal importance
in this situation. If you didn't feel this, suspect that a false self was
your feelings and behaviors.
1)
Pick a recent non-emergency interaction you had with an important adult or child that you want to practice
digging down with. The situation can be any kind of "problem" by your
definition. Choose a moderate problem you're comfortable discussing with
your partner, and describe some or all of the inter-action to him or her.
Your partner will do the same, after you finish digging down in your
situation.
2)
Be yourself, and your partner will role-play the other person in your
chosen situation. If s/he needs more information about who s/he's
role-playing, ask.
3)
Ask your partner something like
"So what do you need from me, right
now?" Your partner responds with something appropriate from your
problem-description, like "I need you to stop smoking (gambling / using
pornography / coming home so late / being rude to my sister /..." etc.
4)
Use the same repetitive questioning as in the solo practice above,
optionally affirming what you hear each time with brief
Do this until you feel you've uncovered the other person's primary need/s
(there can be more than one) that caused the surface need.
5)
Now have your partner help you dig down below your surface needs
in the two-person situation.
6)
When you feel you've discovered both person's primary needs, then your
partner should ask you things like...
-
"Who's needs did you each give priority to
in this situation?" The best answer is "We treated each other's needs
as equally important."
-
"What
did each of you have in this situation? Did they
-
"Where were each of you focused during this
situation - i.e. what kind of
did you each create - 1-person, 2-person, or no-person?"
-
"Did you each try to identify what the other
person needed in this situation?"
-
"Did each of you get your primary needs met
well enough?"
-
"If not, why?" This is not an invitation
to blame, but to discover factually what prevented filling your needs.
-
"If you could re-do this situation, what
would you change - and why?"
-
"What did you just learn from this
practice?"
-
(Ask anything else that seems useful)
7)
When you feel done digging down with both people in your situation, take a
break if needed, and then repeat this process with your partner's two-person
situation.
8)
Discuss how the practice felt to you each, and what you learned. Would
you do anything differently the next practice?
+ + +
Next -
While
your practice is fresh in mind, try digging down for real. Coach yourself to
remember that...
-
"needs" are normal, inevitable emotional, physical,
and/or spiritual discomforts.
-
whether pleasant or not, all emotions are helpful indicators
of current needs. There are no "negative" emotions.
-
all personal and social "problems" are
unfilled surface and primary needs.
-
personality subselves have
surface and primary needs, just like
people.
-
communication - including thinking - occurs
automatically
to fill current needs (reduce current discomforts).
-
communication is most effective when all
participants (a) regard their and others' needs as being equally valid
and important,
and (b) want to know what they are.
-
anyone (like
you) can learn to communicate more effectively, with
study, patience,
and practice!
-
Try practicing awareness,
empathic listening,
assertion, metatalk, and
problem-solving
with several different partners. Option - as you do, keep a
notebook or journal
to record your learnings and affirm your progress.
Awarenesses / Notes
This page outlines options for practicing the powerful communication skill
of "digging down" below surface discomforts to perceive the primary unfilled
needs that cause them. Doing this promotes effective assertion and
problem-solving among your subselves and with other people.
Two requisites for benefiting from this skill are having your
consistently
your other subselves; and proficiency with the skill of
Reality check: on a scale
of one (I'm not interested in this practice) to ten (I'm very
motivated to practice digging down skill now), rank your current
motivation. ___
Is
there anyone else you want to show and/or discuss the concepts of primary
needs and digging down with?
Feedback please - take this 1-question
