Lesson 5 of 7 - evolve a high-nurturance family
	Options for Resolving Conflicts Over Religion By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/fam/religion.htm

Updated  03-25-2015

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      This is one of a series of Lesson-5 articles on evolving a high-nurturance family.

      Broadly, "religion" includes personal and group beliefs and practices about Holy books (scriptures), God, prophets, origins, sin, evil, and an afterlife. Family members and cultures can have major disagreements about religious faith (e.g. Christianity vs. Islam), holy places and things, and ways to worship.

      This article explores...

• what's unique about disputes over religion?,

• common surface and underlying primary stressors,

• premises about reducing family "religion" disputes, and...

• options for reducing or resolving primary conflicts effectively.

      The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this Web site and the premises underlying it  self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 5 perspective on personal spirituality, nurturing vs. toxic spiritual and religious beliefs, and.. options for resolving values conflicts

      This brief YouTube video provides perspective on what you're about to read:

What's Unique About Disputes Over "Religion"?

      Several things can combine to make conflicts over religious beliefs and practices specially stressful:

"righteousness" (rigidity) - using Holy scriptures (The Bible, Torah, Koran, Upanishads) as absolute proof that you are right and the other person or group is wrong "because God says so." There is no room for respectful disagreement or debate.

fear of (a) "sinning," offending God, and risking "eternal damnation;" and fear of (b) scorn, pity, and painful rejection by a church community, and/or critical relatives, and friends; and ...

shame - kids and adults who unconsciously equate being wrong with being bad (inferior) can't tolerate others' implying their religious beliefs are wrong. This is specially true for people who were significantly shamed as young kids;

      And disputes over religion can be specially frustrating because of...

the confusing paradox that "I'm not disrespecting you (by saying you're beliefs are wrong), I'm compassionately trying to save your Soul by offering you the truth (my superior faith) - can't you see that?"; and...

different opinions - most (all?) religious arguments net out to "My Holy book says that God said (something), so you and other unbelievers are wrong to challenge God (vs. me) ." and...

confusion between religion (man-made scriptures, rituals and rules), and spirituality (the mystical relationship between a person and their Higher Power); and finally... 

unawareness: many zealots are ignorant of...

• other religious beliefs and practices, and how to judge whether these are healthy or toxic,

• being ruled by personality subselves who need to distort reality ("I am not religiously biased - just faithful!"); and ignorant of...

• how their way of communicating (e.g. preaching, not agreeing to disagree) becomes a problem; and ignorance of...

• how to recognize and manage values conflicts.

      Tho every situation is unique, some mix of these factors can make conflicts over religion specially divisive and stressful

Typical Surface Religion Conflicts 

      A "surface conflict" is a symptom of deeper problems (unmet needs). If you have conflicts over religion with someone, see which of these you recognize...

"I (or we) significantly disagree with and/or disapprove of...

what you believe about God, scripture, worship, history, "facts," or related ideas; and/or why you believe it; and/or we disapprove of...

how, when, and/or where you worship your God and/or express your faith - (e.g. preaching, demonstrating, disparaging other faiths...); and/or we disagree with...

the priority you assign to practicing your religion, ("Worship should come before your hobbies."); and/or I (or we) resent or disagree with...

your attitude about my or our choices of religious beliefs and practices (e.g. your intolerance, ridicule, scorn, indifference, hypocrisy, or bigotry); and/or we disapprove of...

the religious ideas and practices you're teaching the young people in our home or lives, and/or how you're teaching them - e.g. by scaring or shaming them, and/or not permitting questions, doubts, discussions, or disputes; and/ or we're offended by...

the way you communicate about our religious differences -  e.g. you won't take personal responsibility for your beliefs and/or behaviors, and you insist you're only following God's word (as written in your holy book);

            And most of all, people resent...

disrespect - implying or saying your religious preferences and beliefs are "better" or "more correct" than mine or my family's or clan's. I or we resent your not accepting my (or our) beliefs as legitimate even though they're different than yours.

      Can you think of other causes of religious disagreements?

      These are all surface stressors caused by deeper...

Primary Needs

      A "problem" occurs when one or more people have unmet needs (physical, psychological, and/or spiritual discomforts). People who get "upset" when their religious beliefs or practices are challenged or attacked are often unaware of these primary needs...

to feel respected (worthy) by themselves and other people;

to feel right (good), because they equate wrong with "bad," and "saving souls" is good.

to feel powerful - i.e. "When I do the Lord's work by 'bringing the Light to you and others, I feel the power of God!"

to answer fundamental questions about life, death, good, evil, origins, and destiny, vs. confusion, doubt, and uncertainty.

      And typical people who argue about religion need...

to trust their own knowledge, judgment, and reasoning;

to belong - i.e. to be known and accepted by a group of other people (like a local and global church community).

to live with the horror of death and the (learned) possibility of 'eternal damnation;' and they need... 

to feel "I am a good person in the eyes of a judgmental God, myself, and my relatives and friends." Good depends on "saving your soul," and "believing and doing the 'right' religious things - according to some preachers and a Holy book;" and average people need...

to preserve their integrity (acting on their core beliefs), their dignity (self respect), and their identity (knowing clearly who I am). These are each affected by beliefs about God, worship, good and evil, and "religion;"

Needs like these are primal, intense, and semi-conscious, so using logic and "reason" to change another's religious faith can never work. Neither can threats, demands, or punishments. Criticizing another's religion or spirituality is as silly and arrogant as believing your fingerprints or ear lobes are superior to theirs.

      Does it seem reasonable that people who argue about religion have some mix of the primary needs above? If so, are they able to describe and own these needs? Can you?

      Take a moment to reflect and clarify what you believe about these...

Premises About Conflicts over Religion

      If you don't agree with these ideas, identify what you do believe...

      Each person has the innate right to evolve their own beliefs about God, worship, good and evil, messiahs and prophets, sin, the origin of the universe, the Earth, and life; heaven and Hell; Satan and angels; death and an afterlife. Family adults are responsible for encouraging their kids to form their own beliefs ("faith") over time [I Agree / Disagree / or ? (am unsure)]; 

      Disagreements over "religion" (beliefs, practices, holy book, God, language) are values conflicts. They are not subject to logic or reasoning, and are resolved differently than disputes over provable "facts," natural laws, and physical things.

      The keys to managing values conflicts over religion (or anything else) are (a) self and mutual awareness and respect, and (b) each person agreeing to disagree without resentment. (A  D  ?)

      The odds for lasting resolution of conflicts over religion are proportional to all affected adults wanting to (a) be self-aware, and to (b) help each other grow fluent in seven communication skills. Often, "religious disputes" are really over how people proclaim and compare their beliefs (e.g. arrogantly, rigidly, and disrespectfully). (A  D  ?)

      Typical social conflicts are two or three concurrent disputes: inside you + inside the other person + between the two of you. Therefore, odds for lasting compromises rise as each person involved resolves any significant internal conflicts (confusion, ambivalence, or uncertainty) about spiritual faith and practices. (A  D  ?)

      More basic premises about "religion conflicts":

      People vary on how important resolving disputes over religion are compared to other values and needs. (Agree  Disagree  ?)

      Atheism ("There is no 'God'") and agnosticism ("I don't know or care if there's a God") are spiritual faiths meriting as much respect as any other belief. Labeling these faiths as "wrong" is inherently arrogant and disrespectful, no matter how "righteous" the motives. Conversely, atheists or agnostics insisting they're right and other religious beliefs are wrong are equally disrespectful. (A  D  ?)

      A final (sad) premise about resolving surface religious conflicts is...

      Some people and groups are so wounded and unaware that even if they accept the premises above, they won't be able to agree to disagree. They have a higher need to be "right" (1-up and "worthy") than to have a mutually-respectful relationship. You can keep trying to be respected, heard, and accepted by such people; or scorn, avoid, and/or oppose them; or choose options like these.

Options

      To resolve significant family disputes over religion, consider these steps:

  Prepare to Resolve

       Assess whether your true Self (capital "S") and any Higher Power are usually guiding your life. If not, lower your expectations and refocus on freeing your Self. See Lesson 1.

      Clarify how your needs and opinions rank compared to other family members. If you're controlled by false selves, those subselves may claim "Their needs and mine are of equal value," rather than admit "My needs and opinions come first here!" Your true Self is likely to feel "My and my conflict partner/s' pinions and primary needs are equally valid and important to me now."

      Review your attitudes to avoid having them compound or distract you from the primary "religion" conflict.

      Refresh your understanding of the difference between religion and spirituality to clarify which you're conflicted about.

      Review this sample Bill of Personal Rights, and see if you genuinely feel they apply equally to you and each conflict-partner. If not, suspect well-intentioned false selves control you.

      More resolution-preparation steps...

      Review your options on resolving values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Your "religion conflict" probably is causing these universal stressors. Reality check: can you describe to another person what each of these three dynamics is, and how to resolve it?

      Identify your primary needs in this conflict using the examples above. Typically they will include needing to feel respected, clearly heard, and genuinely accepted. Review these ageless guidelines for perspective.

      If you need other family members to admit and reduce their conflict over religion, go here.

Options If You Are Conflicted With Others

      Arrange a distraction-free meeting with each person you disagree with. Ask if they're willing to discuss your dispute over religion. It they are...

• describe values conflicts and how to manage them, and propose you two have a values conflict over your religious beliefs;

• identify specifically how your values and/or priorities differ; (e.g. "You're convinced there are sinners and I'm not.")

• ask if the other person is willing to genuinely agree to disagree about your differences.

• If s/he isn't willing ["No, there ARE sinners (and you're wrong)!"]...

  • suspect that s/he's controlled by false selves, and see these options;

  • notice what ''R-message'' you're receiving from this person. If you feel unheard and/or disrespected ("1-down"), (a) review your personal rights, and (b) offer assertive ''I''-messages to describe your feelings and specifically what you need.

  • if s/he denies disrespecting you or claims you're "too sensitive," you have another values conflict.

• If you have a problem with the way the person communicates about religion, (a) review these common blocks and (b) focus on reducing them  as teammates with a common goal.

If the "Religion" Conflict is Between Other Family Members...

      Your discomfort is probably not about "religion." There are too many possible problems to list here. Some typical ones are...

You're losing respect for someone because of the way s/he is behaving in this family conflict; and/or...

You feel anxious that this conflict between other family members may destroy something you value, like a marriage, family bonding or peace, a child's emotional security, etc.

You disagree with the religious instruction that a child is getting from other kids or adults; or...

This "religion" conflict between other family members may be emphasizing unresolved barriers to their relationship, and you're not sure what to do about that; and/or...

The conflict between others is hindering you from getting something you need or want, like going to the church of your choice or studying a Holy Book with others, and/or...

The others' conflict is causing you internal conflicts that disable your true Self.

      There are many other possible problems - and you have powerful options to manage all of them:

  Options

      If you have...

• internal conflicts, take responsibility for them and use parts work to reduce them. See Lesson 1 for resources.

• a relationship problem, identify what it is, and use these options to resolve it. If the other person seems to be wounded and unaware, review these options;

• values conflicts and/or loyalty conflicts, they may be amplified by relationship triangles, For solutions, see this;

• communication problems with some family members, use this and this to help identify and resolve them. See Lesson 2 in this Web site for more resources;

       and if you have....

• stepfamily stress, invite your adults to study and apply Lesson 7.

Recap

      Arguments about "religious" beliefs and practices can be specially emotional and stressful. They all are values conflicts and/or communication problems, which are amplified if one or more conflicted people is psychologically wounded.

       This Lesson-5 article explores...

• what's unique about social disputes over religion,

• common surface conflicts and underlying primary conflicts,

• premises about family "religion" disputes, and...

• options for reducing primary conflicts effectively.

      For more perspective and options, see this article on managing major prejudice over race, gender, politics, abortion, or similar topics.

      Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?

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