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This is one of a series of Lesson-5 articles on evolving and
enjoying
a
family.
Broadly, "religion" includes personal and group beliefs and practices about
Holy books (scriptures), God, prophets, origins, sin,
evil, and an afterlife. Family members and cultures can have major
disagreements about religious faith (e.g. Christianity vs. Islam), holy
places and things, and ways to worship.
This article explores...
-
what's unique about disputes over religion?,
-
common surface and underlying primary
stressors,
-
premises about reducing family "religion" disputes, and...
-
options for reducing or resolving primary problems effectively.
The article assumes you're familiar with...
What's Unique About Disputes Over "Religion"?
Several things can combine to make
conflicts over religious beliefs and practices specially stressful:
"righteousness"
(rigidity)
- using Holy scriptures (The Bible, Torah, Koran, Upanishads) as absolute proof that you are
right and the other person or group is wrong "because God says
so." There is no room for respectful disagreement or debate.
fear of
(a) "sinning," offending God, and risking "eternal damnation;" and fear of
(b) scorn, pity, and painful rejection by a church community, and/or
critical relatives, and friends;
and ...
shame -
kids
and adults who unconsciously equate being wrong with being bad
(inferior)
can't tolerate others' implying their religious beliefs are wrong. This
is specially true for people who were significantly shamed as young kids;
and...
And disputes over religion can be specially frustrating because of...
the confusing paradox that "I'm not disrespecting you (by
saying you're beliefs are wrong), I'm compassionately trying to save your Soul by
offering you the truth (my superior faith) - can't you see that?"; and...
different opinions - most (all?)
religious arguments net out to "My
Holy
book says that God said (something), so you and other unbelievers
are wrong to challenge God vs. me) ." and...
confusion
between religion (man-made scriptures, rituals and rules),
and
(the
mystical relationship between a
person and their Higher Power); and finally...
unawareness:
many
zealots are ignorant of...
-
other religious beliefs and practices, and how to judge whether these are
healthy or toxic,
-
being
ruled by personality
who need to distort
reality ("I am not religiously biased - just
faithful!"); and of...
-
they're communicating (e.g. preaching, not agreeing to disagree) becomes the problem
and ignorant of...
-
how to recognize and manage values conflicts.
Tho
every situation is unique, some mix of these factors can make conflicts
over religion specially divisive and stressful
Typical
Surface Religion Conflicts
A "surface conflict" is a symptom of deeper problems
(unmet needs). If you have conflicts over religion with someone, see which
of these you recognize...
"I or we significantly disagree with
and/or disapprove of...
what you believe
about God, scripture, worship, history, "facts," or related ideas; and/or
why
you believe it; and/or we disapprove of...
how, when,
and/or where you worship your God
and/or express your faith - (e.g. preaching, demonstrating, disparaging other faiths...); and/or
we disagree with...
the priority you assign
to practicing your religion, ("Worship should come before your hobbies."); and/or
I (or we) resent or disagree with...
your attitude
about my or our choices of religious beliefs and
practices (e.g. your intolerance, ridicule, scorn, indifference,
hypocrisy, or
bigotry);
and/or we disapprove of...
the religious
ideas and practices you're teaching the young
people in our home or lives, and/or how
you're teaching them - e.g. by scaring or shaming them, and/or not permitting
questions, doubts, discussions, or disputes; and/ or we're offended
by...
the
you communicate
about our religious differences - e.g. you
won't take personal responsibility for your beliefs and/or
behaviors, and you insist you're only following God's word (as written in
your holy book;
And
most of all, people resent...
disrespect
-
implying or saying your religious preferences and beliefs are "better" or
"more correct" than mine or my family's or clan's.
I or we resent your not accepting my
(or our) beliefs as legitimate even though they're different than yours.
Can you think
of other causes of religious disagreements?
These are all surface
stressors caused by deeper...
Primary Needs
A "problem" occurs when one or more people have unmet needs (physical,
psychological, and/or spiritual discomforts). People who get "upset" when their religious beliefs or practices are
challenged or attacked are often unaware of these needs...
to feel respected (worthy) by
themselves and other people;
to feel
right (good), because they equate wrong with "bad," and "saving
souls" is good.
to feel powerful -
i.e. "When I do the Lord's work by 'bringing the
Light to you and others, I feel the power of God!"
to answer
fundamental questions about life, death, good, evil, origins, and destiny,
vs. confusion, doubt, and uncertainty.
to trust
their own judgment and reasoning;
to belong - i.e. to
be accepted by a group of other people
(like a local and global church community).
And people who argue about religion need...
to live with the horror of death and the (learned)
possibility of 'eternal damnation;'
and they need...
to feel
"I am a good person
in the eyes of a
judgmental God, myself, and my relatives and friends." Good depends on "saving your soul," and
"believing and doing the 'right' religious things - according to some
preachers and a
Holy book;" and people need...
to preserve
their
integrity (acting on
their core beliefs), their dignity
(self respect), and their identity (knowing clearly who I am).
These are each affected by beliefs about
God, worship, good and evil, and
"religion;"
|
Needs like these are primal, intense, and semi-conscious, so using logic and "reason" to change
another's religious faith can never work. Neither can threats,
demands, or punishments. Criticizing another's religion or
spirituality is as silly and arrogant as believing your fingerprints or ear
lobes are superior to
theirs. |
Does
it seem reasonable that people who argue about religion
have some mix of the primary needs above? If so, are they able to describe
and own these needs? Can you?
Take a moment to reflect and clarify what you believe about these...
Premises About Conflicts over Religion
If you don't agree with
these ideas, identify what you do believe...
Each person has the innate right to evolve their own beliefs about God,
worship, good and evil, messiahs and prophets, sin, the origin of the
universe, the Earth, and life; heaven and Hell; Satan and angels; death and
an afterlife. Family adults are responsible for encouraging their kids to
form their own beliefs ("faith") over time
[I Agree / Disagree / or ? (am unsure)];
Disagreements over
"religion" (beliefs, practices, holy book, God, language) are
They are not subject to logic or reasoning, and are resolved
differently than disputes over provable "facts," natural laws, and physical things.
The keys to
managing
values conflicts over religion (or anything else) are
(a) self and mutual respect, and (b) each person agreeing to disagree.
(A D ?)
|
To genuinely agree to disagree, each person must be consistently
by
their
Restated: to
compromise over different religious beliefs and
practices, each conflicted person needs to be free of significant
psychological
(A
D ?) |
The odds for lasting resolution of conflicts over religion
are proportional to all
affected adults wanting to (a) be
and (b) help each
other grow fluent in seven communication
Often,
"religious disputes" are really over
people proclaim
and compare their beliefs (e.g. arrogantly, rigidly, and disrespectfully).
(A D ?)
Typical social conflicts are two or three concurrent disputes:
inside you + inside the other person + between the two of you. Therefore, odds for lasting
compromises rise as each person involved resolves
any significant
(confusion,
ambivalence, or uncertainty) about spiritual faith and practices.
(A D ?)
More basic premises about "religion conflicts":
People vary on how important resolving disputes
over religion are compared to other values and needs. (A D ?)
Atheism
("There is no 'God'") and agnosticism ("I
don't know or care if there's a God") are spiritual faiths
meriting as much respect as any other belief. Labeling these
faiths as "wrong" is inherently arrogant and disrespectful, no
matter how "righteous" the motives. Conversely, atheists or
agnostics insisting they're right and other religious beliefs are wrong
are equally disrespectful. (A D ?)
A
final (sad) premise about resolving surface religious conflicts is...
Some people and groups are so
and
that even if you
accept
the premises above, they won't be able to agree to disagree.
They have a higher need to be "right" (1-up and "worthy") than
to have a mutually-respectful relationship. You can keep trying to be
respected, heard, and accepted by such people; or scorn, avoid, and/or oppose them; or
choose options like these.
Pause, breathe, and notice your feelings and thoughts now. How can you put
the ideas above to work?
Options
To help
your family members resolve significant disputes over religion, choose among
options like these:
Prepare
whether your
Self (capital "S") and any
are usually co-directing your life.
If not, lower your expectations and refocus on
your true Self. See Lesson 1.
Clarify how your needs
and opinions rank compared to other family members. If you're
dominated by a false self, those subselves may claim "Their needs and mine are of equal value," rather than admit
"My needs and opinions
come first here!" Your true Self is likely to
feel "My
current and long-range needs and opinions and my conflict partner/s are
equally important to me now."
Review your attitudes to
avoid having them compound or distract you from the "religion" conflict.
Refresh your understanding of
the difference between
religion and spirituality to clarify which
you're conflicted about.
Review this sample
Bill of Personal Rights,
and see if you genuinely feel they apply equally to you and each
conflict-partner. If not, suspect a false self controls you.
Clarify your options on
resolving
and
conflicts, and
relationship
Your "religion conflict" probably is causing these universal
stressors. Reality check: can you describe to another person what each of
these is, and how to resolve them?
your
primary needs in this conflict using the examples above. Typically
they will include needing to feel respected, clearly heard, and genuinely
accepted. Review these ageless
for perspective.
 Review
these options for improving communication
effectiveness. It's highly likely
part of the "religion conflict" comes from ineffective communication. If
you need other family members to admit and reduce their conflict over
religion, go here.
Options If
You Are Conflicted With
Others
Arrange a distraction-free meeting with each person you have a disagreement
with and ask if they're willing to discuss your dispute over religion. It
they are...
-
describe values conflicts and how to
them, and propose you have one over your religious beliefs;
-
identify specifically how your values and/or
priorities differ; (e.g. you're convinced there is a Hell, and I'm not.")
-
ask if the other person is willing to agree to
disagree about your differences.
-
If s/he isn't willing ["No, there IS a Hell (and
you're wrong)!"]...
-
suspect that s/he's controlled by a false
self, and see these options;
-
notice what
you're receiving from this person. If you feel unheard and/or
disrespected, offer assertive
to describe that and specifically what you need.
-
if s/he denies disrespecting you or claims
you're "too sensitive," you have another values conflict.
-
If you have a problem with the
the person communicates about religion, (a) review these common
blocks and (b) focus on
as teammates with a common goal.
If
the "Religion" Conflict is Between
Other
Family Members...
Your discomfort is probably not about
"religion."
There are too many possible problems to list here.
Some typical ones are...
You're
losing
respect for someone because of the way s/he is behaving in this family conflict; and/or...
You feel
disrespected by someone in the way s/he communicates with you about this "religion problem;" and/or...
You feel
anxious that this conflict between other
family members may destroy something you value, like a
marriage, family bonding or peace, a child's emotional security, etc.
You disagree with the religious
instruction that a child is getting from other kids or adults; or...
This "religion" conflict between other
family members may be emphasizing unresolved
to their relationship, and you're not sure what
to do about that; and/or...
The conflict between others is
preventing you from getting something you need or want - like going to the
church of your choice or studying a Holy Book with others, and/or...
The others' conflict is causing
you
that
your true Self.
There are many other possible problems - and
you have powerful options to manage
all of them:
Options
If you have...
-
internal
conflicts, take responsibility for them and use
to reduce them. See Lesson 1 for resources.
-
a
relationship problem,
identify what it is, and use
these options to resolve it.
If the other person seems to be wounded and unaware, review these
options;
-
values and/or loyalty conflicts and/or are stressed by
relationship triangles,
see this;
-
with some family members, use this
and this to help identify and resolve
them. See Lesson 2 for more resources;
and if you have....
Recap
Arguments about "religious" beliefs and practices can be specially emotional
and stressful. They all are
either values conflicts and/or communication problems, which
are amplified if one or more conflicted people are psychologically
.
This
Lesson-5 article explores...
-
what's unique about social disputes over religion,
-
common surface and underlying primary
stressors,
-
premises about family "religion" disputes, and...
-
options for reducing primary problems effectively.
For
more perspective and options, see this article on managing major
prejudice over race, gender,
politics, abortion, or similar topics.
Pause, breathe, and reflect
- why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed?
If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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Updated
November 18, 2011
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