Answer this out loud, and the compare your ideas to
these: Sensuality refers to being
receptive to sensory information - sights, sounds,
touches, smells, temperatures, movements, pain, and
pleasure. Sensitivity can mean "the
degree of sensuality (low > high)," and/or "feeing
locally or chronically
with a person or
group."
Sexuality refers to attitudes, values,
preferences, and behaviors that cause sexual desire,
arousal, intercourse (sometimes), and potential
orgasms. Healthy newborns have instinctual impulses
to pleasure themselves sensually, and later as teens
to copulate and reproduce.
Our ancestors, religions, and the media barrage
young people with confusing messages and stimuli
which induce significant guilt, shame,
misunderstanding, and anxiety about sensuality and sexuality, These
promote deception, repression, affairs, and "sexual
dysfunction."
The root causes are psychological
wounds and unawareness, and societal ignorance and denials.
The formation of a person's "sexual identity"
(their sexual values, preferences, impulse-controls,
and boundaries) is a complex multi-year process that
is partly genetic and partly environmental. Our
U.S. culture is gradually relaxing fierce inherited
sexual repressions and shame, tho some conservative
religious denominations and scriptures still
righteously justify and foster these.
|
Clearly
distinguishing sensuality from sexuality
can help couples identify and express their needs,
and avoid and resolve blocks to healthy shared
intimacy. Are your family teens and adults clear on
this distinction? |
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Q3)
What's required for sexual harmony between partners?
"Harmony" means "minimal stress, and stable mutual
satisfaction." This varies by couple, but some requisites are
common. Try answering this question out loud, and
then compare your answer to this opinion:
Each
partner...
-
is _ usually
by their
and _ is able to
feel pleasure without guilt or shame; and
s/he...
-
sees needs for
sensuality and sexuality as normal and healthy,
not shameful or "dirty;"; and s/he...
-
has
equal respect for themselves and their
partner, as a person, a fe/male, and a
partner; and each partner must be able to... .
-
appropriate
and consequences; and s/he must be...
-
steadily
and
and s/he must...
-
be able
to _ communicate, _ assert needs, _ exchange
honest feedback,
and _ problem-solve effectively
- in general, and
about sexual needs and concerns (ref Lesson 2);
and each partner must want to..
-
learn and accept
the sensual/sexual values and preferences of
their partner, and want to please her or him
without violating someone's integrity. This
includes knowing and accepting
in sexual responses and needs, and respecting
their partner's "not being in the mood" at
times; And s/he needs to be...
-
clear on
if, how, and when to conceive a child; and
s/he...
-
is knowledgeable
about, and attentive to, sexual health and safety;
and s/he...
-
is physically
healthy and balanced (minimally stressed); and
ideally each partner...
-
lives in a
family and community which
respect and promote healthy, responsible sensuality and
sexuality.
Pause and notice what you're thinking and feeling.
Can you think of other requisites for sexual harmony
between partners? Does it seem reasonable that
stable sexual harmony is uncommon? How many of these
requisites do you have now?
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Q5) What is
sexual abuse?
What if any of our
family adults was, or may have been, sexually abused as a child?
Abuse
is an
emotionally-provocative word which is often misused. Unless
are clearly present,
aggression is more accurate and less
inflammatory.
Sexual abuse occurs when someone...
-
intentionally satisfies their
sensual/sexual and control needs by using an unwilling, unaware, defenseless
person...
-
in a way that significantly harms
that person physically, mentally, psychologically, and/or
in someone's opinion; and...
-
the victim cannot
(vs. will not) flee or defend themselves against this trauma.
Sexual molestation involves skin contact.
Other sexual abuse may not.
For example, forcing or encouraging a child to watch or hear adult sexual
behavior, shaming or punishing kids for normal sexual curiosity, adults
openly exposing or playing with genitals, providing misleading or no
sexual information and guidance, and verbally overfocusing on sexual
things in everyday life can be sexually abusive.
If any of your family adults were, or may have been, sexually
abused as a child, and they got no competent professional help
to heal the resulting psycho-spiritual trauma, it's very likely they...
-
came from a
traumatic,
childhood,
-
are unaware of major
psychological
and their
-
may be
and/or obese; and/or isolated or promiscuous;
and they may...
-
have some kind of
sexual dysfunction; and..
-
may be unable to achieve or tolerate genuine
intimacy; and they...
-
need to
_ break protective denials, _ admit these
stressors,, and _ want to get knowledgeable
professional help with them.
These
factors can unintentionally promote sexual
trauma and/or block healthy sexual awareness and judgment in a
dependent child.
I recommend assessing
for ancestral sexual abuse as part of your checking
for psychological wounding
For
more perspective on sexual abuse, see
this after
you finish here..
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Q6)
What is
sexual addiction?
If a family
member seems to be addicted, what are our options?
Sexual addiction uses
sensual or sexual fantasies, arousal, and orgasm to temporarily
self-medicate against
It may cause
injury to one's self (physical abuse) or to a
defenseless person.
Each
of the
of addiction is a
strong sign of
and a
traumatic, low-nurturance
childhood.
The mate of an addict becomes may become obsessed with
on) their partner's behavior and
welfare because of her or his own psychological
wounds. This lowers the
family's
which promotes
wounds in dependent kids.
COSA
is a 12-step support program for partners of sex addicts.
Since 1935, the 12-step
Alcoholics Anonymous philosophy and programs have helped
millions of people around the world control (vs. cure)
addictions.
Currently, these programs don't
acknowledge the psychological wounds and unawareness
that cause addictions, so they only promote preliminary vs.
full
"Evidence: typical addicts have to keep attending 12-step meetings and
diligently working their "program" to prevent
resuming addictive attitudes and behaviors
("relapsing").
In recent generations, several different 12-step programs
have evolved to help sex-addicts control their compulsion/s: Sex
Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous
(SLAA), and
Sexaholics Anonymous
(SA). They differ
in some beliefs (moderate to rigid) and recovery
priorities. Sexual addiction's prevalence has justified The
Society for the Advancement of
Sexual Health (SASH). There are many
helpful sites now on the Internet - search on "sex addicts,"
"sexual addiction," and "compulsive sex."
Help each other to stay aware:
any past or present addiction indicates
family dysfunction! For more perspective
and options about addiction and recovery, see
this.
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Q7)
What are
incest and the incest taboo?
Like rape, abuse, illegitimate,
abortion, and
addiction,
incest
is an emotionally-explosive concept and word, so
it's important to know what it means and to use it
appropriately. Traditionally, incest refers to sexual intercourse between genetically-related people
like siblings or a child and an adult relative.
Tradition across ages and
cultures has consistently prohibited such intercourse (taboo) because it promotes genetically-damaged
children and related social problems. Siblings who grow up together
seem to automatically have little sexual interest in each other, or
at least muted desire. There are exceptions.
Incest may or may not be sexual abuse (see Q5), depending on
whether both people are old enough to know what
they're doing and freely consent to it.
Some people use incest to mean intercourse between any
unmarried people, or any adult and child. In the context of this Website,
the real
issues are...
-
_ who uses the term
"incest," _ why, and _
what effect thinking or speaking the term has on family
relationships and
and...
-
if there is
unhealthy sexual behavior in a
(like incest)...
-
what is it,
specifically;
-
what (vs. who) causes it
(usually psychological wounds + unawareness),
-
how is it impacting
family members and the family's functioning, and...
-
what does each affected
person need for
and balance?
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Q9)
I get upset when my partner flirts with other
people, but s/he won't stop. What can I
do?
Conflict over excessive or compulsive "flirting" can be caused by:
one or
both of you being controlled by
(ref.
and...
you two being unable to
effectively, including...
-
not
as partners to unearth the
that cause
the flirting and your responses to it, and/or...
-
you not
your primary needs and
effectively;
-
being unable to maintain a mutual two-person
and...
-
not having a workable strategy for resolving
and
conflicts and
relationship
yet; and
possibly. (ref
your partner's governing subselves don't
really
and your
relationship second (after their
and
which may mean...
one or both of you chose
the wrong
to commit to, for the
wrong
at the wrong
and are experiencing painful results.
If this doesn't provide some
useful insights and options, study and discuss
this article on jealousy.
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Q10)
Our family adults have major
disputes over teaching our minor kids about healthy sexual
realities, values, and behaviors. How can we
resolve this?
Options:
each of you adults honestly for psychological
If you
find any, evolve and work a high-priority self-motivated
plan
with your
in charge.
See
Take this communication-basics
quiz, and compare results.
Then discuss and try out these options for
improving communications. See
Your real problem may be
you're trying to resolve this family problem.
Discuss these articles on...
resolving
and
conflicts
and relationship
three levels of
family relationship problems,
and...
how to analyze and
resolve typical relationship problems.
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Q11)
One of our family members regularly uses
pornography, and hides or denies it. What can I do?
Regular use of pornography by a spouse,
another adult, or a
child
is often a symptom of one or more primary problems like these:
 If the porn user is your
partner...
s/he is probably a
based
of a
childhood, and doesn't know that
dominate him
or her, or
about
it; and/or...
s/he is
psychologically
and
uses sexual stimulation (excitement) to distract from major
and
s/he needs to
this; and/or...
s/he is
sexually
dissatisfied, and doesn't know a better way to get his or her needs met;
and/or...
You two don't know how to
effectively yet, and need to
build Lesson 2
together. You may focus on the pornography and/or "lying" as the problem,
instead of
to
identify your
and/or...
The
you're responding to the covert pornography (e.g.
timidity, scorn,
threats, blaming, lecturing, moralizing, punishing)
increases your partner's pain,
and makes it unsafe for him or her to identify and fill his or her primary needs;
and/or...
Your
are using "the pornography
problem" to avoid a deeper family-relationship problems - e.g. sexual abuse,
childhood abandonment, addiction, affairs,
and/or one or both of you having made
up to three
 If the porn user is a
child or teen...
Ensure that your
are guiding you.
Then you
mates
carefully to
identify the
of
(a) each adult involved, and (b) the child;
Note whether you respect the child's dignity despite her or his behavior
or not. A
attitude
(e.g. shaming the child) suggests
that a
may rule you.
That will surely
hinder effective
communication with everyone as you seek a solution.
Seek informed opinions on the difference
between normal age-appropriate sexual curiosity, and pathological use of
pornography. Also evaluate the child's level of sexual knowledge, and
improve that as needed.
Check to see if you mates have effective
strategies to combat
these three common stressors. A child using pornography will often trigger these
among your family members.
Assess the child's status with normal
developmental needs and these
common family-adjustment needs. Use
your findings to guide how you
adults want to co-parent this young person;
Clarify what a
sexual addiction is, as you
evaluate what the child's behavior may mean. If you feel s/he is addicted, see
this.
If some family members are over-concerned with
about "this porn problem"
(or you're not discussing it), that may indicate a
based
rules your or their personality. This will cause many secondary
problems. See
this
and this
when you finish here.
If you
confront the child, use a
well-designed
and well-thought-out consequences. Then enforce them respectfully
and promptly as needed. Stay aware -
part of normal childhood is
testing
family rules and limits to see what kids can get away with (remember?)
If the child has other significant personal, school, or family problems,
him/her for psychological
and review
these options.
If you adults can't
agree on how to react to this situation, consider using
to sort the problems
out and evolve an effective united-front response.
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Q13) What should we
know before shopping for a sex therapist?
Sex-related problems are usually symptoms of deeper issues -
so the best preparation your family
adults can make for resolving such problems is to study and discuss this
together. Problems like sexual abuse, incest, sexual
addiction, affairs, and pornography are then best handled by consulting a
therapist with special training and experience in sex-related stressors.
For marital dissatisfaction related to sex, study and discuss
this, and Lessons 1 and
2 together. Then seek appropriate help from a veteran licensed
professional sex therapist together.
See
this for general perspective on counseling and
therapy.
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Q14)
Are
there
sexual "problems" in
typical stepfamilies that intact-biofamily members
don't encounter?
Yes:
-
The incest
taboo in average
is weaker than typical
biofamilies, so there can be significant one-way or mutual
sexual attraction between
stepsiblings, and a
stepchild
and stepparent or other relative.
-
Research suggests that the
odds of child
sexual abuse are higher in U.S.
stepfamilies than in intact biofamilies;
-
Ex mates can feel, and may
act on, significant
sexual attraction.
This usually promotes significant
and interpersonal stepfamily conflict.
-
Typical multi-home
stepfamilies have more people, relationships,
adjustment tasks, and
than
intact biofamilies. These combine to make it harder for
mates to find or make adequate undistracted
couple-time to enjoy intimacy.
-
The odds for adult sexual
dysfunction may be higher in typical stepfamily unions
than first marriages because a higher percentage of step-adults
seem to come from
childhoods,
including sexual trauma; and...
-
Finding
competent
may be harder, because few
mental-health pros have adequate training in
the stepfamily stresses that can hinder sexual harmony.
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Q15)
What is incest in a stepfamily?
See Q7 for
basic perspective, and return here.
Incest between genetically-related people is just the same in a stepfamily
as in a biofamily. Sexual attraction and action between stepfamily members
not related by genes is often confusing because there is no
widely-accepted social norm defining it. Sexual activity between
stepsiblings or a step-adult and stepchild is dangerous for psychological
reasons, not biological.
Debating what constitutes stepfamily incest is unimportant, compared to
identifying and resolving personal and relationship problems caused by
intra-family sexual conflicts
The real
issues are...
-
_ who uses the term
"incest," _ why, and _
what effect thinking or speaking the term has on family
relationships and
and...
-
if there is
stressful sexual behavior in a
-
what is it,
specifically;
-
what (vs. who) causes it
(usually it's caused by psychological wounds and
unawareness);
-
how are
family adults and kids reacting to it (e.g. fighting, avoiding,
problem-solving, gossiping, scorning,
moralizing, punishing, pretending, joking,
etc.); and...
-
what does each affected
person need for
and balance?
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Q16)
Should a
bioparent express
physical affection
with a new partner in front of his or her minor children?
Young and grown kids seeing their mother or father embrace, fondle, or
kiss a stepparent at home or in public can cause significant
household and stepfamily stress. Key factors are whether...
a child has
their web of
from (a) biofamily breakup and (b) parental re/marriage and cohabiting well enough;
a child's age, gender, and
comfort with his or her own sexuality;
a child or stepparent has
sexual interest in
each other;
a child feels safe to express
her or his feelings and opinions openly to their co-parents;
siblings, other relatives,
and/or key friends have major reactions ("Don't you feel
weird seeing your Mom kissing some strange guy?"); and
whether...
the child's parents' previous
attitudes (dis/approval) and behaviors about couples' publicly
expressing affection or desire for each other;
the
co-parents are empathically responsive to a
child's reactions to public displays of physical affection to each other;
More key factors: whether...
either adult is ambivalent
about public displays, for a child will sense that discomfort
without understanding it, which may raise their own anxiety;
and...
how long the stepfamily has
existed (psychologically, not legally), and...
how comfortable each child is
with their
other bioparent's reaction to the new couple and
stepparent. If a child senses their other parent and/or key
relative/s are
significantly upset about either of these, the child witnessing
public affection between new partners can trigger significant
and relationship
This is specially
likely if the child is awakening to their own sexuality, and has normal excitement
and confusion about it.
True-Self
and
(empathy) are key to showing kids how loving partners express their feelings
to each other in public. Options:
if you're
unsure about displaying physical affection
to your mate in front of a child, (a) notice your own comfort level, and (b) ask the child how
s/he feels - and then listen! S/He may or may not tell
you the truth...
all your
co-parents discuss your values and comfort levels with public
displays of affection in any setting. Consider making this the
subject of a family meeting. Each child will have
a unique reaction...
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Q17) What can we do if
an ex mate uses porn and/or shows our kids X-rated media?
Read
this perspective on typical ex-mate relations.
Ensure that your
are
your
Then
carefully to
identify the
of
each adult and child affected by the ex mate's behavior;
Check
to see that each of you mates genuinely accepts (a) your stepfamily
and
(b)
the ex mate as a full stepfamily
If not, lower
your expectations of finding an effective solution to this complex
"pornography problem."
Invest time
in reading and discussing these stepfamily
basics and common myths. Then you mates
review these common relationship
to see if "porn usage" is
secondary to some deeper family-relationship problems.
Check to see if you mates have effective
strategies to combat
and
conflicts and relationship
Because "sex" is an explosive subject, this "ex mate problem"
will probably trigger these common stressors in and between your co-parenting homes.
Beware of demanding the ex mate
to want to change her/his values, attitudes, and
behavior. That's a self-defeating
which will often
make things worse;
Clarify what a
sexual addiction is, as you
evaluate (a) what the ex mate's behavior may mean, and (b) your best
responses to it;
Review these
communication options to see if any may relate
to your situation. If you're considering legal force,
see this.
If you
choose to confront the ex on his or
her
behavior, use a thoughtful
and handle expected resistances with respectful
top
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