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Q&A about family sexual problems, continued from p. 1
Q11)
One of our family members regularly uses
pornography, and hides or denies it. What can I do?
Regular use of pornography by a spouse,
another adult, or a
child
is often a symptom of one or more primary problems like these:
If the porn user is your
partner...
s/he is probably a
based
of a
childhood, and doesn't know
that a
dominates him
or her, or
about
it; and/or...
s/he is
psychologically
and
uses sexual stimulation (excitement) to distract from major
and
s/he needs to
this; and/or...
s/he is
sexually
dissatisfied, and doesn't know a better way to get his or her needs met;
and/or...
You two don't know how to
effectively yet, and need to
build Lesson 2
together. You may focus on the pornography and/or "lying" as the problem,
instead of
to
identify your
and/or...
The
you're responding to the covert pornography (e.g.
timidity, scorn,
threats, blaming, lecturing, moralizing, punishing)
increases your partner's pain,
and makes it unsafe for him or her to identify and fill his or her primary needs;
and/or...
Your false selves are using "the pornography
problem" to avoid a deeper family-relation-ship problems - e.g. sexual abuse,
childhood abandonment, addiction, affairs,
and/or one or both of you having made
up to three
If the porn user is a
child or teen...
Ensure that your
are guiding your
Then you
mates
care-fully to
identify the
of
(a) each adult involved, and (b) the child;
Note whether you respect the child's dignity despite her or his behavior
or not. A
attitude
(e.g. shaming the child) suggests
that a
may rule you.
That will surely
hinder effective
communication with everyone as you seek a solution.
Seek informed opinions on the difference
between normal age-appropriate sexual curiosity, and pathological use of
pornography. Also evaluate the child's level of sexual knowledge, and
improve that as needed.
Check to see if you mates have effective
strategies to combat
these three common stres-sors. A child using pornography will often trigger these
among your family members.
Assess the child's status with normal
developmental needs and these
common family-ad-justment needs. Use
your findings to guide how you
adults want to co-parent this young person;
Clarify what a
sexual addiction is, as you
evaluate what the child's behavior may mean. If you feel s/he is addicted, see
this.
If some family members are over-concerned with
about "this porn problem"
(or you're not discussing it), that may indicate a
based
rules your or their personality which will cause many secondary
problems. See
this
and this.
If you
confront the child, use a
well-designed
and well-thought-out consequen-ces. Then enforce them respectfully
and promptly as needed. Stay aware - part of normal childhood is testing
family rules and limits to see what kids can get away with (remember?)
If the child has other significant personal, school, or family problems,
him/her for psychological
and review
these options.
If you adults can't
agree on how to react to this situation, consider using
to sort the problems
out and evolve an effective united-front response.
top
Q13) What should we
know before shopping for a sex therapist?
Sex-related problems are usually symptoms of deeper issues -
so the best preparation your family
adults can make for resolving such problems is to study and discuss this
together. Prob-lems like sexual abuse, incest, sexual
addiction, affairs, and pornography are then best handled by consulting a
therapist with special training and experience in your problem.
For marital dissatisfaction related to sex, study and discuss Lessons 1 and
2 together, and then seek appropriate medical help and a veteran licensed
professional sex therapist as a
couple.
See
this for general perspective on counseling and
therapy.
top
Q14)
Are
there
sexual "problems" in
typical stepfamilies that intact-biofamily members
don't encounter?
Yes:
-
The incest
taboo in average
is weaker than typical
biofamilies, so there can be signif-icant one-way or mutual
sexual attraction between
stepsiblings, and a
stepchild
and stepparent or other relative.
-
Research suggests that the
odds of child
sexual abuse are higher in U.S.
stepfamilies than in in-tact biofamilies;
-
Ex mates can feel, and may
act on, significant
sexual attraction.
This usually promotes significant
and interpersonal stepfamily conflict.
-
Typical multi-home
stepfamilies have more people, relationships,
adjustment tasks, and
than
intact biofamilies. These combine to make it harder for
mates to find or make adequate un-distracted
couple-time to enjoy intimacy.
-
The odds for adult sexual
dysfunction may be higher in typical stepfamily unions
than first marri-ages because a higher percentage of step-adults
seem to come from
childhoods,
including sexual trauma; and...
-
Finding
competent
may be harder, because few
mental-health pros have ade-quate training in
the stepfamily stresses that can hinder sexual harmony.
top
Q15)
What is incest in a stepfamily?
Like rape, abuse, illegitimate,
abortion, and
addiction,
incest is an
emotionally-explosive concept and word - so it's important to know
what it means, and to use it appropriately.
Traditionally, incest refers to sexual intercourse between genetically-related people.
People who grow up together
seem to automatically have little sexual interest in each other. Since
typical steppeople don't grow
up together, they may be less sexually inhibited than members of
healthy biofamilies.
Some people use incest to mean intercourse between any
unmarried people, or any adult and child.
Whether sexual intercourse
between stepsiblings or a step-adult and stepchild is "incest"
or not is a de-batable surface issue.
The real
issues are...
-
_ who uses the term
"incest," _ why, and _
what effect thinking or speaking the term has on family
relationships and
and...
-
if there is
stressful sexual behavior in a
-
what is it,
specifically;
-
what (vs. who) causes it
(usually it's caused by psychological wounds and
unawareness);
-
how are
family adults and kids reacting to it (e.g. fighting, avoiding,
problem-solving, gossiping, scorning,
moralizing, punishing, pretending, joking,
etc.); and...
-
what does each affected
person need for
and balance?
top
Q19)
Should a
bioparent express
physical affection
with a new partner in front of his or her mi-nor children?
Young and grown kids seeing their mother or father embrace, fondle, or
kiss a stepparent at home or in public can cause significant
household and stepfamily stress. Key factors are whether...
a child has
their web of
from (a) biofamily breakup and (b) parental re/mar-riage and cohabiting well enough;
a child's age, gender, and
comfort with his or her own sexuality;
a child or stepparent has
sexual interest in
each other;
a child feels safe to express
her or his feelings and opinions openly to their co-parents;
siblings, other relatives,
and/or key friends have major reactions ("Don't you feel
weird seeing your Mom kissing some strange guy?"); and
whether...
the child's parents' previous
attitudes (dis/approval) and behaviors about couples' publicly
expressing affection or desire for each other;
the co-parents are
empathically responsive to a child's reactions to public
displays of phys-ical affection to each other; and whether...
either adult is ambivalent
about public displays, for a child will sense that discomfort
without understanding it, which may raise their own anxiety;
and...
how long the stepfamily has
existed (psychologically, not legally), and...
how comfortable each child is
with their
other bioparent's reaction to the new couple and
stepparent. If a child senses their other parent and/or key
relative/s are
significantly upset about either of these, the child witnessing
public affection between new partners can trigger significant
and relationship
This is specially
likely if the child is awakening to their own sexuality, and has normal excitement
and confusion about it.
True-Self
and
(empathy) are key to showing kids how loving partners express their feelings
to each other in public. Options:
if you're
unsure about displaying physical affection
to your mate in front of a child, (a) no-tice your own comfort level, and (b) ask the child how
s/he feels - and then listen! S/He may or may not tell
you the truth...
all your
co-parents discuss your values and comfort levels with public
displays of affection in any setting. Consider making this the
subject of a family meeting. Each child will have
a unique reaction...
top
Q20) What can we do if
an ex mate uses porn and/or shows our kids X-rated media?
Read
this perspective on typical ex-mate relations.
Ensure that your
are
your
Then
carefully to
identify the
of
each adult and child affected by the ex mate's behavior;
Check to see if you mates have effective
strategies to combat
and
conflicts and relationship
Because "sex" is an explosive subject, this "ex mate problem"
will probably trigger these common stressors in and between your co-parenting homes.
Beware of demanding the ex mate
to want to change her/his values, attitudes, and
beha-vior. That's a self-defeating
which will often
make things worse;
Check
to see that each of you mates genuinely accepts (a) your stepfamily
and
(b)
the ex mate as a full stepfamily
If not, lower
your expectations of finding an effec-tive solution to this complex
"pornography problem."
Clarify what a
sexual addiction is, as you
evaluate (a) what the ex mate's behavior may mean, and (b) your best
responses to it;
Invest time
in reading and discussing these stepfamily
basics and common myths. Then you mates
review these common relationship
to see if "porn usage" is
secondary to some deeper family-relationship problems.
Review the "ex mate" articles
to see if any may relate
to this situation. If you're considering legal force,
see this.
If you
choose to confront the ex on his or
her
behavior, use a thoughtful
and handle expected resistances with respectful
Also see these examples.
top
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Updated
November 09, 2011
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