Q&A about "Good
Grief" - concluded...
Q11)
Is there any connection between a person's childhood and their
ability to grieve well?
Yes, there are at least two potential links. The first is the family
a child experiences in her or his
early
years. The less effectively a child's daily
and developmental needs are filled ("low nur-turance"), the more likely s/he will
develop a protective
and
related psychological
These wounds can covertly hinder
healthy bonding and grieving by...
-
or minimizing
significant
losses and/or their
impacts;
-
(a) numbing or minimizing grief
emotions
- specially
anger and sadness; and/or (b) not
expressing grief emotions - e.g. not
venting, raging, and/or
crying;
-
unconsciously associating healthy
grief feelings and behaviors with "weakness," "being a baby," and "badness"
- i.e. misplaced
shame and guilts. And
wounds can hinder grief by...
-
not
asserting normal mourning
rights and
needs (e.g. "I
need to be alone."), including not asking for appropriate
support ("Could
I have a hug?").
The
second potential childhood <> grieving link is a
neglected child growing...
-
distorted
attitudes about
grieving - e.g. "Crying is for sissies"; "Stop
whining and feeling sorry for yourself, and get on with your life;"
and "You only grieve when somebody dies,"
and...
-
observing unhealthy grief behaviors of
wounded, unaware caregivers; For example...
-
seeing family adults ignore, block,
minimize, intellectualize, avoid, or scorn major losses (broken bonds) and their impacts; and...
-
not
seeing them honestly expressing their grief-feelings or...
-
not openly
seeking credible answers
to their loss-questions.
If you came from low-nurturance early years,
you may have psychological wounds
and difficulty bonding and/or grieving well.
Study and apply Lessons 1 thru 3!
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Q12)
Does
gender have anything to do with
healthy grieving?
Probably. In their
thought-provoking book
Brain Sex - the real difference between men and women, biogeneticist Anne Moir
and
journalist David
Jessel propose that typical male brains and female brains..
-
are "wired" differently, and often react to
the environment very differently; and...
-
may reside in a male or female
body.
This suggests that typical female
brains (vs. female persons)
are more emotionally sensitive and re-active to life changes (e.g. losses), and
may feel and express grief emotions more readily and fully than male
brains. Female brains may need more
emotional processing (like venting) and less
mental processing to reach stable acceptance of significant losses
and their impacts.
In her interesting book "You
Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in Conversation," Ph.D. linguist
Deborah Tannen describes common differences in the way males and females
communicate. This suggests that the way they vent and express
grief thoughts, emotions, and needs will often vary signifi-cantly.
Implication: your personal and family good-grief
policies should include not expecting the
male brains in your family to grieve the way your members' female brains
do, and vice versa. Can you identify which members have which
brains (starting with you)? Notice where your thoughts go now...
top
Q13)
When do grievers need to work
with a counselor or therapist and/or join a grief-support group?
Mourning significant broken bonds may be hindered or blocked by
personal false-self
+ ig-norance of grieving basics +
organic and anti-grief
factors. The mix of
these may warrant
qualified
professional help.
Some clinicians are certified
to help people and families grieve well. It's good to
learn and use practical selection criteria, rather than trusting
uninformed referrals. No matter what their credentials, beware a counselor who quickly prescribes mood-control
medication as the solution to incomplete-grief symptoms.
Drugs may relieve the
symptoms of incomplete
grief (frequent misdiagnosis:
"depression") but inhibit healthy [ mental +
emotional + spiritual ] mourning.
Mood-control medication does not promote healthy
grief!
If you and/or someone you care about has...
-
symptoms of significant psychological wounds and
and...
-
worked to
your
to guide your
via some
version of
and
you or they...
-
have learned and
applied the ideas in
and still
make no progress mourning, then...
I suggest shopping for a
qualified grief
counselor. If you're unsure whether you have incomplete grief, seek a professional
evaluation. Ask local mental-health agencies and hospitals for referrals, and
try a Web search on "grief counselors."
Don't expect any you find to know how personality subselves and
psychological wounds affect bonding and grieving. They can still be very
helpful.
Options
ask any professional you hire to review
these Lesson 3 resources - specially
this article on thawing frozen mourning. Also ask
if they can name the
and seven
for, wholistically-healthy grief.
use
this and
this to help
make wise support choices;
adapt
this
article to fit grief
counseling; and/or...
seek an effective
grief-support group locally or
online. Well-run groups can facilitate mo-ving through the levels and
phases of mourning, but probably can't offer informed help on as-sessing
and freeing blocked grief.
Such groups are often for people surviving the death of a loved one,
(e.g. Compassionate
Friends) and/or family loss from divorce (e.g.
Rainbows and Kaleidoscope). They
may or may not include professional guidance and participation.
Learning about and
incomplete grief is specially important for (a) adults in
and (b) courtship partners considering joining or forming a stepfamily.
It may also be appropriate for members of families with a loved
one in prolonged absence, like jail or work in another country.
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Q14)
How can our family adults help our children become
healthy mourners?
Grow a pro-grief home and family by (a)
your true Selves to guide you all, and (b) studying, modeling, and
teaching the basics in Lesson 3. In
particular, invest time in composing healthy family
and
policies. Option - use this good-grief quiz
as a guide to what your kids should learn.
top
Q15) Why is
it specially important for typical
and
adults and to learn and practice "good grief"?
Most people accept that "divorce causes losses (broken bonds)" for all
family members. Few people realize that
forming or joining a stepfamily
also causes sets of major
physical and
losses
for all adults and kids - including co-parenting ex mates and
three or more sets of relatives.
Typical adults in divorcing families and
stepfamilies should intentionally form and live by healthy
personal and family grieving policies
because...
-
Research suggests that the intensity of
loss-trauma from family separation and divorce is among the
highest
of human stresses, including natural disasters, the death of a
loved one, and social chaos.
-
In their book Second Chances,
Psychologist Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee concluded from
studying a group of average Californian divorcing families over 10
years that it may some kids or adults over a decade to fully
grieve (accept) these losses.
-
Most (~90%)
new US stepfamilies
follow the divorce of one or both new mates. The others
follow the death of a former spouse. Sociologists estimate that
average divorcing American adults re/marry within 7-10 years. which suggests
they, their ex mate, and any minor or grown kids may not have fully
grieved their respective losses when new partner say "I do - again."
if so, they risk (a)
adding new losses to old ones
and (b) some family members becoming
Even if they aren't, these compound losses may hinder or block
healthy bonding between some new stepfamily members - e.g. stepkids
and new stepparents, and/ or stepsiblings.
That weakens the new
and lowers its
when new
and
are undeveloped and fragile.
-
Re/marriage and/or
co-parents cohabiting cause major new losses for most
stepfamily members, including stepkids' "other bioparent," if living
and active in their lives.
-
The multi-year biofamily-merger process
in new stepfamilies requires all stepfamily members to make major
changes in up to
of family-system elements. Some or many of these changes may involve
significant concurrent broken bonds - losses.
-
My clinical research since 1981 suggests
that most US divorcing and stepfamily adults
are
of low-nurturance childhoods.
They seem to be more prone to incomplete grieving than people
from higher-nurturance early years.
|
If a needy divorcing parent chooses a new partner before
s/he and all kids and their other bioparent have grieved
their losses well enough, adding a web of new stepfamily
losses (Q16 below) may overwhelm one or more kids or adults.
This is one of many reasons impatient courting co-parents
need to soberly evaluate "Is this the right
to re/commit?" |
The self-improvement
in this Web site provide practical knowledge and options
for divorcing and new-stepfamily adults that can help assess and manage
healthy grief among all adults and kids.
In my
clinical and classroom experience with hundreds
of typical US couples, few of them knew what you
just read. This leaves such couples and their kids vulnerable to significant
stress from
incomplete grief and three or
top
Q16)
What do typical
adults and kids lose from
stepfamily re/marriage and
cohabiting?
We're trained
from childhood to associate marriage and
"setting up housekeeping" with happiness, hope, new opportunities, and gains
-
not losses.
Shifting your identity from "single" to
"committed / married," and "moving in together" causes some of those prizes
and a web of complex changes.
Many physical and invisible
changes
cause minor to major losses - broken bonds. Our pleasure-seeking,
over-stimulating culture tends to minimize
or ignore these, which promotes slowed or blocked grief in homes and families
like yours.
For
most adults and kids, new-stepfamily losses are
more numerous and complex than those they experienced from divorce or death
(Q4). Study this
to appreciate how many things new stepfamily co-parents and kids
must change and/or grieve as they merge their
Options:
-
read the
summary as an adult, and then reread it as each child in your life;
and...
-
thoughtfully review these checklists of
tangible and
invisible things that kids
and adults of average divorcing-families and stepfamilies lose as
they slowly reorganize and stabilize their
over
several years.
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