Overview of "parts work" - p. 5 of 6
Parts-work-techniques:
Rescuing steps, continued.
Rescuing:
3) Build
a Safe Haven in the Present
Before rescuing any
lost subselves,
evolve a peaceful inner "place" that feels safe and
comfortable to all your subselves. Imagine this place as clearly as you can. Describe it out loud or on
paper, and/or draw or paint it. It may be an actual place or you may enjoy creating it.
Let your imagination soar!
One client experienced a strong feeling of peace
and safety on an imaginary tropical beach by a la-goon. Another vividly
pictured a snug mountain cabin in a forest clearing. Another found that her
parts felt best gathered together around a beautiful crystal rock. Later
this later became a pure, warming fire. Some people find that their parts
naturally want to live in their current physical home - or in a comfortable
imagi-nary addition to it.
Furnish your Special Place
with anything you want: a fountain, music, a fireplace, comfortable places
to rest, cushions, games, soft lights, windows, or skylights, food, sacred items, a garden, beautiful views,...
Option:
browse magazines and Web sites for ideas and inspiration. If you have developed
sketch, model, or paint your haven. When it feels right, invite your known
subselves to congre-gate there. Let your Place evolve and stabilize with their
input.
There is no absolute right or wrong in designing or picking a
safe haven. As you envision yours, no-tice with affection if some inner voices
insist "This is really stupid!" (diligent
and "What if other people
knew you were daydreaming about this junk?"
If
some subselves feel ambivalent
about trying this rescuing work, affirm that this is your Life, not someone else’s.
Imagine how some scared, lonely, sad Inner Child might feel,
experiencing a home and a family that is truly welcoming, nurturing,
and safe for the first time in their lives. Ask the hesitant parts to
trust you, and try this safe experience and see what happens.
Do you have anything to risk
or lose by trying this? If so - who believes that?
Rescuing: 4)
Consider
a Re-doing
Each rescue is unique.
Satisfying outcomes depend on all subselves involved feeling safe enough
before and during the
process. Keep in mind that parts living in the past really don’t know about your
current world, and will probably reject any description of it. If
they’re endlessly recycling one or more old traumas, you may have to
re-do (p. 4) one or more scenarios first to
free them to migrate to the present.
A
veteran parts-work client I’ll call Sylvia
became aware of an inner child about five years old who was stuck on a vacation lake
beach, watching helplessly as her drunken father tried to drown her mother.
She (the young subself) relived the terror of that moment over and over. This
incident had actually occurred to Sylvia as a girl 26 years ago. To begin rescuing her little one, Sylvia planned a re-doing, and
"went inside."
She (her Self) took her
no-nonsense
part (a Manager), her present (large!) man-friend, a
part, and me back
to the vividly-remembered beach. Her assertive, confidant Adult Woman
sub-self took charge of re-doing the incident, stopping the father’s assault,
bringing the mother (and father) safely to the beach, and calming the five year
old. The rest of us were backup.
Later, Sylvia brought her
little one ("Nina") to her present-day
home to meet and join her previously- unknown companion parts. The little
girl was
dumbfounded at first, and then (temporarily) overwhelmed with relief and
wonder. The recurring memories of the trauma and associated feelings faded
away.
Rescuing: 5)
Brief
All Subselves and Rescue the Lost Part
At each
rescue step along the
way, keep all subselves informed of what you're doing, and why. Pay attention
to any suggestions or anxieties they have. If your circumstances warrant,
call one or more inner councils (p. 6)
to plan or
discuss a rescue. Recall: your Self or a trusted delegate is in charge of
such councils and every rescue.
|
Imagine what it would feel
like if you were small, alone, scared, ashamed, lonely, and hopeless. A
gentle, kindly adult
appears "out of nowhere" and says "Come with me now to a wonderful place where you’ll always feel safe and
loved and comfortable." Would you do it? |
Often it can reassure distrusting
subselves if you gently invite them to visit
the present with you first
-
taking anything the want with them they need to link them with
"home." After they’ve explored your safe haven, and perhaps met
some of your other subselves, their anxieties will usually subside.
Inner Kids may
not understand the concept of "time" or "years." Before
a rescue, it may help them realize what’s happening if you show them a
calendar, and explain that each Earth trip around the sun is a
"year." Be patient as they grapple with the concept of coming to
live in a different time. One client found it helpful before a rescue to
show his lost part the cemetery where his mother was presently buried.
He
physically visited her grave. His young subself who lived in the past had been convinced that
his mother was still alive and couldn’t be abandoned. Frequently, exiled
parts feel a strong sense of duty to younger siblings or infirm relatives
who "live with them". They need to build trust that those
dependent beings will be OK if they leave.
Note that
logic and common sense do not pertain,
here.
Before migrating, ask your
target subself whether s/he wants to say goodbye to anyone or anything in their present
home-place. Patiently and respectfully help them to do that. See if s/he wants to bring
any-thing special. Reassure the part that s/he can come back to visit
any time s/he wants. Demonstrate that, if it helps to build the part's
trust and courage.
Treat each of these rescue steps as a valuable investment in a
satisfying outcome, and take your time.
Be alert for your
and your
trying to
rush the process.
Some rescues are planned or
spontaneous single events. Others unfold in stages. One sexually-abu-sed
client’s Inner Child revealed itself living under a bed in the woman’s
past. It had no body trunk - just arms, legs, and a head. The first rescue
step was to find her body, and reunite it with her limbs and head. The next
was to peek into the kitchen (of the house in the past), to see that her
feared Grandmother wasn’t there.
Next, my client’s Self took her young
subself into the back yard garden, which had only been seen through the bedroom
window before - never visited. Then her anxious part hesitantly
agreed to try a "vaca-tion trip" into the present.
She toured the
client's present home with wonder, met some other subselves (and a pet cat),
and eventually
agreed to come to live there. The whole multi-step rescue took several weeks
(1-hour sessions each week, with solo work in between).
Self-leadership, patience, faith, and
optimism are keys.
Rescues become easier with
practice. My experience is that adults who were greatly traumatized as
kids often have several parts living in the past. One such client courageously did more
than a
dozen res-cues
over time. Other people have one or several parts living in the traumatizing
past.
I’ve never
experienced an lost subself that wasn’t young (infant through teen). Kids' typical
Guard-ians seem to know the past and the present, and move back and forth
between them. Those
that do so need no rescuing.
We just reviewed another powerful
parts-work technique - rescuing, or time travel. Notice your
self-talk now - do your dominant subselves feel this technique is reasonable
and useful? Are you motivated to try this powerful technique and
benefit from it? If not - who is in the way, and what does s/he (or they)
need?
Resolving Inner (Parts) Conflicts
"Thinking" can be viewed as various subselves expressing themselves
("talking") to each other. The ceaseless inner dialogs, arguments, and
screaming matches going on in kids' and adults' heads is indis-putable
evidence that personality subselves' exist. Do you have these inner
communications? For exam-ple, you think...
"I should go visit my brother in
the hospital now!"
Another voice (subself) quickly says...
"But I need to
cut the lawn, balance my check-book, and I really want to watch the
playoffs on TV. I don’t have time today. Go see him later. He won’t
really mind."
Perhaps a third voice (subself) joins in:
"You spineless,
selfish wimp. Never can make your mind up, can you? Always thinking of
yourself first. It’s a wonder your brother even speaks to you. He’s in
pain, and you want to watch TV. You’re a real scumbag, pal."
Sound familiar? When’s the
last time you had an inner conflict like that?
How often does that happen within you? When it does, how do you feel? Is
there a pattern to the voices? Which voice (subself) usually prevails?
Can you
imagine finding a way to successfully mediate these hassles? To prevent
them?
If allowed to,
your talented true Self can do so every time. Notice your first reaction (thoughts)
to that idea. Does your
pipe up? What would your life be like if
you could resolve many or most of these inner disputes effectively?
Psychologist John
Rowan summarizes common types of inner conflicts. See if you relate...
loving others vs. loving ourselves;
wanting change, vs. wanting the safety of
no-change;
being practical, vs. serving high ideals;
being free and independent, vs. being
close, intimate, and committed;
being reasoned, thoughtful and
"sensible" vs. being impulsive, playful, and spontaneous;
being honest, vs. being safe;
Can you add to this list?
Internal Problem Solving
Recall a time you and another person reached an acceptable compromise to a
dispute together. How did you do that?
Here’s an overview of the way
Self-led compromise can work with battling subselves. If you know someone who is adept at
mediating conflicted people, keep them in mind as a role model and
mentor. Review how they behave, starting with their
attitudes.
-
Authorize yourself (your Self) to take
enough time to mediate, and find an undistracted place to do so.
-
Remind yourself that...
-
needs are emotional, physical, and
spiritual discomforts; and...
-
"problems" and "conflicts" are unmet and
clashing needs, and...
-
surface needs are usually symptoms of
underlying
so...
-
is seeking to fill everyone's primary needs well
enough.
-
Adopt the attitude that each
of your subselves has equal dignity and legitimate needs, and deserves respectful attention. Recall: you have no
intrinsically "bad" parts. They each want to protect you in some way.
-
Trust your (unblended) Self to find a
workable compromise to any inner hassle, given time and op-portunity.
-
Check to see that your Self is currently
If not, try the unblending
technique (p. 4). As you do, be alert for a protective, distrustful
and/or a
-
Identify the
conflicted subselves. Tell them you (your Self) are there to help
each of them get what they need safely, without taking sides.
If things are too heated, ask
the disputants to separate for now, and
work with them one at a
time.
Ask each
subself what s/he needs, specifically - and listen! Repeat
back concisely, without judgment, questions, or comments, what you hear. Like people,
excited,
frustrated subselves will start to calm down when they feel someone accepts and
respects them, and wants to hear them nonjudgmentally.
Be alert for your subselves'
"beneath" their stated
(surface) needs.
Discern primary needs by asking something like "What do you feel will happen if
you don’t get (the surface need) filled right now?" The
subself above might say...
"Well, that’s obvious. If you don’t
go see your brother, people will think you’re selfish and insensitive -
specially Jackie. If you’re ever in the hospital, they won’t come to see
you, and you’d be all alone. I don’t want that to hap-pen."
A
part might say
"You’d really feel good going to see him.
You know how much it would mean to him. And you really do care about your
bro-ther..."
Another
and/or
voice
might add anxiously "But I’m afraid if you don’t cut the grass this
afternoon it’ll get out of hand and take three times as long, later. And you
know what happens when you put off balancing the checkbook - checks start to
bounce, and you get in BIG trouble. So get going!"
A
fourth voice might
belonging to a teenaged inner
"But you're always busy! C’mon - relax and have a little fun for a change. Watch
the game! Ned’ll understand..."
"OK, how ‘bout this: The checkbook
should only take about 10-15", so we’ll do that now. Then I’ll go to
the hospital for an hour or two. Maybe Ned and I can watch the game together
there. I’ll get back here by four-ish, and at least get the front lawn mowed.
I’ll do the back yard tomorrow after work, if I have to. Can you all live
with that?"
As
your subselves experience the ability of your Self to learn and accept their
current primary needs, and calmly balance them fairly with other parts’
needs, their trust in your Self's leadership will rise. And as a bonus, as
you develop this inner conflict-resolution process, you’ll probably find
yourself mediating con-flicts with people around you in the same effective win-win way.
Pause, breathe, and reflect.
Do you think these internal resolution steps will work for you? Are you willing to try them? If not, who (inside) is reluctant? What might get in your way?
Inner-conflict Resolution Tips
Typical internal
battles aren’t as neat as the example above. Here are a few guidelines
to help your Self mediate successfully:
Stay focused on the current conflict. Avoid getting snarled in
other current or past disputes. One problem at a time!
Stay clear on what aspects of
the current situation you can affect and which
If
a subself fears global warming will kill you soon, respectfully
acknowledge (a) that fear and the underlying wish to protect you; and that (b) there’s really nothing you can do about that, so you choose to
worry about other current things you can affect.
Watch for
a
subself
creating exaggerated or future (vs. current) threats, and/or an artful
Stay focused on the present situation.
Avoid assuming past
experiences are always valid guides for the present and future. You’ve never done
parts
work before, so inner (and outer) results may be different...
Avoid the black-and-white thinking that
a diligent
subself may promote
("Do it! / Don’t!"). There are
usually several possible good-enough solutions to
a conflict, not just two.
If one or more
conflicted subselves are
Inner Kids who can’t understand
or need to ignore realistic
practicalities, consider having a nurturing or companion part stay with them
for re-assurance while you negotiate a win-win compromise. Your young parts
need your Self to be a compassionate leader, not a buddy.
They’ll usually feel better knowing someone’s in charge of setting and
following (enforcing) safe limits.
Consider agreeing on a
signal that anxious or distrusting subselves can use to get your Self’s (or a
delegate’s) attention along the way. Examples: a facial tic or muscle
twinge, a stiff neck, a tingling, a flush, a yawn, or other non-painful
bodily reflex. Your subselves can communicate via (some) muscles and nerves!
When
your Inner Kids are
of
an impending event, consider inviting them to "go play," or
"stay home in your safe place" while your older, wiser subselves
handle the real-world situation.
Help
your young parts trust without guilt that
they don’t have to handle outer (or inner) conflicts as you may have had to
do as a real child. Their important job
is to be curious, contribute their priceless energies and gifts, and to
experience and learn, over time.
Learn the special strengths
and abilities that each subself brings you - and use them! Del-egate
appropriate aspects of a current conflict solution to personality-parts with suitable
skills and abilities, rather than feeling your Self has to "do it
all." See "teamwork" below...
As you experiment with this
inner-resolution concept, develop what works.
Aim for "good enough" compromises, and meeting each part’s
primary needs well-enough
for now. Acknowledge your hard-working
affectionately - and don't feel obliged to use her or his standards!
Pause, stretch, and let go of these details. We just reviewed a practical
framework for acknowled-ging conflicts among your subselves and finding
win-win compromises with your Self as a skilled medi-ator. Do you feel you
can make this scheme reduce stressful inner conflicts? You won't really know
until you try it several times!
The next technique is powerful and vital...
Negotiating New
Subself Roles (Reassigning)
A middle-aged client I’ll
call Debbie discovered to her discomfort that several of her
subselves caused intense feelings of insecurity and overt
in her primary relationships. Even when her partner was consistently trustworthy, a part
doubted and accused him of deceit. This corroded the relationship, promo-ting
the very thing her
feared. This pattern had happened with
several men over some years, and Debbie felt
and helpless to change it.
One
key element of the
pattern turned out to be very young Inner Kids who carried Debbie’s deep
and
abandonment
Over time, Debbie
rescued (p. 4) her shamed child ("Gretchen"), and put her in the loving care of her Inner
("Good Mom")
and a tender
part. As some
healing months went by, Debbie began to feel better about herself. As this
happened, the Guardian who had brought the feelings of jealousy interfered.
Patient
parts work disclosed
that "Miss Jealousy" was really frightened that as Gretchen
improved, she (the Guardian) was out of a job and would be discarded or
forgotten.
Learning this, Debbie’s
Self called an inner council meeting (p. 6). She
appreciated the years of service that Miss Jealousy had put in protecting
Gretchen, and affirmed Gretchen’s healing progress. Debbie asked her team
for suggestions as to how Miss Jealousy’s energy could be redeployed. Some
discussion evolved the consensus that the team needed someone to take charge of
remembering impor-tant commitments.
Miss Jealousy felt that was an important
role, and enthusiastically agreed to shift her focus from protecting
young Gretchen to acting as a staff consultant in charge of "responsible
follow-throughs." Gretchen and Debbie’s other subselves all felt
comfortable-enough with - and even excited about - this role change.
Some weeks later, Debbie
reported that her feelings of relationship anxiety seemed less (not gone).
She said that her partner had noticed, and was "relieved."
This
true story illustrates how subselves can shift their inner-family "job" (role), and
redeploy their talents and
energies to help all members prosper in the present. this can happen
in one parts session, or may take longer.
Reassigning is usually
useful with Guardians whose related Inner Kids are rescued and become
secure and contented in the present. It also helps with Inner Kids and even
subselves who no longer need to act
protectively because of successful parts’ integration and team-building.
My
Internal Family Systems (IFS) mentor Dick Schwartz
said his decade of experience taught him that most Guardians were weary of
their endless protective responsibilities, and despaired of ever putting them down.
When Guardian subselves come to trust that the young parts they’re protecting
really are safe enough, they’re often relieved and
enthusiastic about using their talents in another way. My parts-work ex-perience with
many clients since 1992 has consistently validated this.
|
The overarching target here is to selectively rebalance the roles of each
talented subself of your inner team
to promote group co-operation, harmony,
and
personal serenity. |
