Continued from p. 1
Options for Freeing Your True Self
There are many different ways to free your Self (capital "S") Based on 19 years' experience, this Web site proposes one effective way - "parts work." For an in-depth explanation and illustration of parts work and recovery, see my Lesson-1 guidebook "Who's Really Running Your Life?" (Xlibris.com, 2011, 4th ed.)
The main steps of a long-term wound-reduction plan using parts work are...
get clear on the benefits of Self-empowerment ("recovery");
prepare to recover - get the requisites on the prior page;
identify which of the six psychological wounds you have, and who your subselves are;
define your specific recovery goals - e.g. "I want to replace my excessive shame and fears with self-love, confidence, and courage;
study this overview of basic parts-work techniques and when to use them;
study several of the many other books now devoted to recovery from childhood trauma to broaden your perspective and your options;
seek the help of an experienced parts-work guide;
identify which subselves are causing your wounds and toxic attitudes - i.e. learn which sub-selves don't know about - or trust - your true Self to manage your life;
visualize a safe inner meeting place, and learn how your Self can dialog with your subselves;
work creatively with each distrustful subself to gain its trust in your Self and Higher Power.
after gaining Inner Kids' and Guardians' trust, watch for opportunities to re-do any key real-life (remembered) childhood traumas to experience better outcomes;
Identify any subselves who are living in the past, and respectfully bring them into the present when they're ready - one at a time. Introduce them to your other subselves;
Watch for opportunities to (a) have subselves help each other with their roles, and to (b) replace outdated or toxic roles with new productive roles ("jobs"); .
encourage all your subselves take pride in their group membership and teamwork, and invite them to identify, validate, and celebrate your unique life purpose; Experiment with holding inner council meetings of all your subselves, led by your Self.
Build the habit of asking yourself at important times "Who's in charge of my inner family (personality) now - my Self, or other subselves?" If the latter, identify which subselves are taking you over, and why.
As you take these steps over some months, intentionally seek high-nurturance relationships, settings, and beliefs to replace those that promote false-self dominance and wounds;
Be open to other helpful recovery options to augment your work, like massage therapy, move-ment therapy, journaling, breath work, spiritual and/or Nature retreats, and local recovery pro-grams and groups.
If you get tired or discouraged along the way, stop, rest, and regroup.
Be comfortably alert to other people who are ready to free their true Self, and offer them your version of these steps and resources as appropriate. Avoid preaching about parts work or mani-pulating others into trying it. That's inherently disrespectful, and is usually a sign of your false-self at work.
Select options for relating to wounded adults and kids when your Self is steadily guiding you.
Weave learning effective communication basics and skills into your recovery work. These will help you manage your subselves and outer relationships well, and significantly speed your heal-ing progress.
Periodically inventory your (decreasing) wounds, and affirm and appreciate your recovery pro-gress and benefits, and...
Enjoy an increasingly satisfying, serene, long, wholistically-healthy life!
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are your inner voices (subselves) saying? Do these requisites and steps seem too complex and overwhelming? They're no different than any other worthy long-term multi-step project like building a house, moving across country, or graduating from college or a trade apprenticeship.
This is a skeletal outline of a dynamic, interactive, organic multi-year process. It is a suggestive (vs. absolute) framework for you to tailor and fit your unique personality and situation. Experiment with several steps at once, not one at a time. The further you progress, the faster you'll grow!
Use these options to compose your own recovery plan. Follow the links for more perspective and detail on each option. Ultimately, your subselves and key people in your life - like any kids and grand-kids - will thank you for your perseverance and determination to guard them and break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle.
The heart of empowering your Self is learning how and when to...
connect your needy Inner Kids with your Good Parent (Nurturer) subself, and...
persuade distrustful Guardian subselves to rely on and follow your true Self and other Managers, and possibly change their "job."
Each of these depends on first (a) learning to dialog with your subselves, and then (b) identifying and bringing any subselves stuck in the past to live in the present with your other subselves.
1) Use Your Nurturer (Good Parent)
I've never met a Grown Wounded Child without one or more Nurturer subselves. They may have been repressed, distrusted, or ignored by other needy subselves, and they may not know of one or more Inner Kids. Guardians who fear losing their jobs and status can discount or block your Nurturer from hel-ping to take care of needy Inner Kids, which is their special talent and gift.
Options
Confirm that you have one or more nurturing subselves in your inner family. Develop-mentally, they are usually adults or older teens, and may be Spiritual Ones.
Establish a partnership between your Self and each Nurturer through one or more inner dialogs. Agree on and affirm their valuable role among your subselves;
Learn which Inner Kids they know of already, and identify any Kids the Nurturers don't know, or aren't supporting so far;
Identify any Guardians that are resisting or sabotaging your Nurturer/s from caring for specific Inner Kids. Common examples are the Saboteur, Blocker, Critic, Perfectionist, Numb-er, Magician, Procrastinator, and Pessimist.
Meet with each of these Guardians (your Self), and learn...
specifically which Kids they're protecting, and why;
how they feel about having the Nurturer/s help them, and...
whether they trust your true Self and Higher Power.
Reassure each Guardian they cannot be "fired," killed, demoted, or ignored, and explain the value of possibly finding a valuable new role for them among your inner team of subselves after they're satisfied the Child/ren will be safe with the Nurturer/s.
When you feel ready, have each Guardian meet with your Nurturer/s (internally) to dis-cuss how to best support each needy Inner Child. Stress you're promoting teamwork, here, not competition, and that your other Managers are there to help.
When you reach an agreement, organize an internal meeting with each child and their Guardian's and Nurturer/s. Introduce everyone, and explain in age-appropriate language that the Nurturer is going to help care for the Child from now on. Common Kids needing support are Scared, Shamed, Guilty, Lost (Abandoned), and angery.
If the Child is very young, minimize talking and have them experience the Nurturer holding, soothing, and playing with them. Answer any questions, and agree on a trial peri-od to see how everyone feels about this new caregiving arrangement. See if there are any inner playmates that would please the Child, and if so, introduce them.
Tailor these steps to fit your subselves and situation with each Guardian and Child, and patiently take your time. As you do, stay aware of the larger goal of reducing false-self takeovers, and harmonizing all your subselves under the expert leadership of your Self, other Managers, and your Higher Power.
How do you feel about these options for using the talents, drive, and energy of your Nurturing subselves reduce takeovers and help empower your true Self? Experiment with them to broaden your understanding and options. As you do, watch for chances to...
2) Build Subselves' Trust in Your True Self
False-self takeovers occur because one or more Guardians or Inner kids don't know of, or don't trust, the Self and other Managers to keep everyone safe. You can identify distrustful subselves by internally interviewing each Guardian and Child over time. That can sound like this, after initial introductions:
Self - "Do you know what my (inner-family) job is?" Common answers are "No," or something like "Yeah, you're supposed to be the leader." If you get "No," explain in appropriate language what your role is. This assumes that the subself is aware of your other subselves. Option - if not, hold an internal council meeting of all subselves to introduce this part to them. Then ask...
Self - "Will you tell me what your job is? What are you here to do?" Often the initial answer ids vague like "To make things better," or "To prevent bad things from happening." Work respectfully to refine such answers - e.g. by asking "How do you do that?" or "What 'things'?" Related questions:
How do you like your job? How long have you had it? How did you get it?
Do you have any help? or Would you like some help in doing your job?
Are any other subselves making your job harder?
Is there something you'd rather do?
What would happen if you stopped doing your job?
Does anyone appreciate what you've been trying to do for us all these years?
The ultimate question is - "Do you trust me (the Self) and other Manager subselves to keep us all safe?
If the answer is "No," then start to negotiate a "trial period" where the subself is willing to not take your Self over, and to see what the Self and the Managers do. Option - ask "What would it take for you to trust my judgment and let me help you do your job?"
Many Guardians and Kids can't comprehend anyone unselfishly wanting to help them (as in child-hood), and are understandably cautious and skeptical. They also may fear accepting help and losing their importance, status, and power. Negotiating a trial "trust me" period takes patience, sensitivity, and respectful bargaining.
There are many useful materials and programs to assist you in your recovery. Here is a sampling:
All the articles, worksheets, and slide presentations in Lesson 1, Lesson 2, and Lesson 3 here.
These Q&A items on various topics, including personality subselves
These brief research reports related to Lesson 1
This series of inspirations
The guidebooks for Lesson 1 and Lesson 2 which integrate most of these Web resources.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Self-leadership Web site, among others
These books on subselves and recovery by various authors, and...
The Internet - search Google, Ask.com, Wikipedia, and other major search engines for terms like these:
true Self trauma recovery
reducing shame
subselves
Self leadership
internal family systems
psychodynamics
meditation
guided imagery
PTSD and EMDR dysfunctional childhood
reducing guilt
subpersonalities
inner family
cast of characters
dissociative disorders
self awareness
breathing techniques
toxic parents reducing fears
dissociation
spiritual growth
inner healing
Theophostic
reintegration
journaling
wakeful dreaming
inner wounds inner healing
breaking denials
Self / true Self
Higher Self
voice dialog
inner voices
inner dialogs
massage therapy
Use your creativity and imagination to search on similar terms and phrases. Don't expect most search results to reflect awareness of subselves, psychological wounds, or the [wounds + unawareness] cycle. The results can still add to your knowledge and Self-empowerment options.
Be aware that the general term "recovery" often relates to addictions, illness, or physical injury, not psychological wounds. Also be aware that most self-help materials, programs, and Web sites focus on reducing symptoms of psychological wounds, not the wounds themselves. As such, they risk wasting your resources, relapses, frustration, and increasing personal stress over time.
We've covered a lot of ground here! Take time to breathe, reflect, and see where you stand on em-powering (freeing) your Self now... A = I agree, D = I disagree, and ? = I'm not sure, or It depends on (what?)
I have read and understand all these preliminary readings. (A D ?)
I have honestly assessed whether I need to empower my true Self, or I will do so in the next week. (A D ?)
I am strongly motivated to gain the benefits of reducing my psychological wounds now. (A D ?)
I accept that freeing my Self to guide my personality is a long-term process. (A D ?)
I have begun to learn about "parts work" (harmonizing my subselves) (A D ?)
I believe I can empower my true Self using steps like those in this article. (A D ?)
I want to explore the recovery resources above now. (A D ?)
My true Self is responding to this status check. (A D ?)
Be still, and notice your self-talk now...
This two-page Web article is one of a series on assessing and reducing psychological wounds ("recovery"). It offers...
essential readings;
perspective on empowering (freeing) your true Self,
requisites for doing so effectively,
an outline of experience-based steps toward Self-empowerment using "parts work," or "inner-family therapy."
two key parts-work techniques
a status-check on what you know and believe about personal recovery so far. and...
useful recovery resources.
For a detailed outline of doing "parts work" (inner-family therapy) see this 9-page Web article or the related guidebook.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?
site intro / course outline / site search / definitions / chat / contact / copyright infoUpdated December 19, 2011
