Lesson 6 of 7 - evolve a high-nurturance family
	Affirmations for Parents Encourage yourself! By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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        This is one of a series of articles on parenting children (and grandchildren) effectively. Here, a "parent" is any person who accepts the part-time or full-time role of nurturing someone's minor or grown child. That includes bioparents, foster and step parents, grandparents, 

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        The alien life is adjusting to a chaotic tangle of foreseen and unexpected concurrent changes – in routines, priorities, resources, and roles. The theme that emerges from this struggle is the parent’s need for intentional personal balance every day.

        Toward that objective, a helpful option that both custodial and non-custodial parents - and later, stepparents - can take is to evolve and rely on a stable set of believable (vs. idealistic or plastic) inner affirmations that promote balanced self-care and care for key others. The key challenge, I think, is – amidst the inner and outer chaos – forging and keeping the central beliefs that:

• "I am an OK, valuable wo/man, despite my (shame, guilts, confusions, doubts, and anxieties),…

  …with legitimate needs, feelings, opinions, and dignity…

  …and the abilities to do significant good on Earth, …

  …who is finding creative ways to stay balanced enough and clear enough during times of great personal and family change, loss, emotional turmoil, and confusion."

        Though self talk like this looks simple, believing what the words say without doubt or reservation is tough. This is specially true for many of us who were unintentionally taught as kids (a) to devalue our own needs, feelings, and values ("always think of the other guy!"), and (b) that marital separation and divorce is a shameful "failure," rather than an outcome based on wounds that each partner sustained, and some unawareness s.

        Affirming our own needs and dignity while the world falls apart does not come easily – specially if people around us are hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and need to take those feelings out on us criticizing our decisions, values, and behaviors. Here are more realistic self-talk options to consider and edit to fit, for your (and dependents’) daily inner security:

"I bear significant responsibility for what’s happening to our family. I will work toward understanding how this happened, and forgiving my Self and others, as time allows."

        Blaming your Self excessively (which expands shame and nurtures toxic guilt is a form of self-abuse. Current problem solving is a lot more helpful to you and your kids than fault-finding (anyone), fighting, avoiding, or whining.

"My partner and our other co-parents are persons of dignity and worth too. Though we may have great values differences and misunderstandings, it helps no one for me to spend time and energy detailing how inconsiderate, insensitive, stupid, and bad a person they are."

"It’s OK to try and balance my current needs today with the needs of others close to me."

"It will help me and the child/ren to learn the communication skills of respectful assertion (saying what you need to others in a way they can hear clearly) and empathic listening (listening with your heart).

"When I get clear on what I need, it’s OK (even good) to ask others for help – within their limits."

"Crying is healthy in every way, and I have a right to my own crying style, whether it bothers others or not."

"I respectfully give others responsibility for telling me if my behavior overloads or discomforts them too much. I will tell them the same, when true, without undue shame, guilt, or anxiety."

"If I do my best and still can’t meet the current primary needs of important others around me, I am not a bad person. I am a normal person with legitimate emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical limits."

        More options for self-steadying, realistic self talk (inner affirmations)…

" God will see us through this. There is some value to this stressful situation that I can’t see now, but will, one day."

"One of the healthiest things I can do for myself and my kids is to grieve well. I am going to learn how to do that now, and do it, over time, as an important priority. As I learn how be a good-griever, I will invite other co-parents and help the young people in my life to grieve well also, as best I can."

"It is healthy for me to discern my primary needs, and to say "no" and "not now" (set limits) without guilt if I am overloaded, too distracted, or need to grieve."

"My child/ren and I will fare best, over time, if I soon evolve medium-range (say 6-12-months) goals for me and us." Once such goals stabilize, I can increase the structure in our lives, and (re)gain a sense of purpose and power (vs. feeling a victim);"

"If I get too tired, distracted, or depressed it’s productive to take a break and rest."

"I choose to spend time (where I can) with people who raise my energy, rather than deplete it."

"I choose to see this as a time of change for potential good, rather than a life-destroying disaster. That does not mean I’m not scared, lonely, angry, frustrated, bewildered, and guilty, as this experience unfolds."

"I will try to find a divorced-family or stepfamily hero/ine or mentor – and seek respectful inspiration and guidance from them when I can."

"There is productive, enjoyable life available after separation and divorce. Each day, the kids and I get closer to finding it."

"There are many helpful resources available for kids and adults going through what we are. I’ll find them and use them, as my limits allow."

        You get the idea. Once you develop a set of believable statements like these, use them every day to keep you balanced. Teach this technique to your kids, and help them develop their own affirmations (not yours). If you do this, inform key others informationally. If you know other divorcing people, help each other develop inner affirmations that work.