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Many adults in are stressed by and/or concerned about "problem
children" who "act out" and harm themselves and/or stress other people.
This article is written
to these adults. It
summarizes (a) general surface problems, (b) typical underlying primary
problems,
and (c) practical options for adults to help themselves and troubled kids.
This YouTube clip preview some of the ideas you'll find in this article:
The article
assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit Website and
the premises underlying it
Think of a "problem child" who has affected your life. Such kids may lie,
cheat, steal, bully, defy, withhold, act "irresponsibly," balk at learning,
are "social misfits," "hyperactive," disrespectful, "selfish," sneaky,
lazy, rebellious, defiant, aggressive, hostile, arrogant, and so on. You may empathize with such kids' caregivers as
"trying their best with a bad child." Most over-busy parents and school
staff tend to focus on
restraining and "fixing" "troubled" boys and girls.
The
surface problem is that a "problem child's" behavior upsets (scares,
hurts, angers, frustra-tes, intimidates, worries) too
many people too often, and (b) s/he isn't "responding well
enough" to at-tempts to help.
Often the childis labeled
"the problem," and adults try to correct the
child's attitudes and behaviors.
The child is usuallynotthe
real problem.
What's the
Primary
Problem?
Premise - When adults' best efforts don't improve a
"problem child's" attitudes and behaviors, there can be
up to six
interactive reasons:
1) The child's bioparents are
psychologically
wounded
and unaware, so they made unwise
commitment
and/or conception choices. If so,
this can't be "fixed."
2) The child has been raised in a
low-nurturance environment,
so his/her
developmental needs haven't been filled
well enough. Typical
minor kids can't identify and assert their needs for...
respectful attention and
guidance;
feeling genuinely loved, valued,
noticed,
and safe in their home,
trust that their adults will reliably
comfort, guide, and protect them;
patient, empathic
adult
listening;
appropriate privacy and freedoms,
dignity and genuine (vs. dutiful) acceptance,
nourishing companionship and dependable
advocacy,
help learning how to assert their needs
respectfully and to problem-solve,
steady
encouragement, despite mistakes, conflicts, and confusion; and
kids need...
respectful, consistent discipline -
(rules and consequences).
A child's troublesome behavior is a primal attempt to survive,
rather than to prepare for healthy independence. It is often an
inarticulate expression of frustration at not getting their normal and
special needs met well enough.
3) Atroubled child is half the
problem. To survive a
low-nurturance environment, s/he is probably evolving a protective, short-sighted,
false self which "acts out."
The child didn't choose this, doesn't know
it, and can't control it without
patient, informed adult help. This lays the groundwork for a
shame-based or
fear-based personality and a stressful adulthood.
More primary problems...
4) Caregivers and authorities
are focusing on the wrong things, and don't know this or what to do about it
- i.e.
they don't have the knowledge, awareness, and courage to focus on
adult
wound-reduction
(Lesson 1), education (this course), and proactively
breaking the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle. And often...
5) Adults
may fruitlessly argue over who is
responsible to "fix" the
"problem child." This is usually aggravated by implied or
overt blaming,
based on toxic
guilt and shame
and
a mix of anxieties, inadequate
information, and
ineffective communication. These become secon-dary
problems of their own, and make effective caregiver
cooperation hard or impossible;
And finally...
6)
Exasperatedfamily adults and school
staff try to "fix" the child by lecturing, nagging, grounding, fining, detention, loss of
privileges, expulsion, isolation, or enrolling them in a "correctional"
program. These actions tend to shame, frustrate, anger, and alienate the
child, and often
promote more"acting out."
The adults' "solution"
adds to the problem.
In other words...
Premise: a minor or grown child's
attitude, behavioral, social, and school problems are really
caused by
psychjological wounds in the child and
their caregivers, and adult ignorance and unawareness. Our (wounded) society denies and passively permits both of
these.
Notice your (subselves') reaction to this unpleasant proposal. Does it
make sense to you? Do you agree with it? Would your other family adults
and supporters agree? If not, what is your explanation for
"problem children"? Bad genes? Hormones? The wrong friends?
TV, music, and video games? Drugs?
Implication
If this premise is true, then permanent
attitude and behavioral
change
in a "problem child" is unlikely until the responsible adults want to...
understand and accept the premise; (i.e. study and discuss Lessons 1 thru 6); ...
identify and agree on (a) what the child
needs, and (b) who's responsible for
filling which needs; and the adults genuinely want to...
reduce their own
wounds and the child's, and proactively assess and improve their family's
nurturance level together.
Otherwise, familyadults are at significant risk of
ongoing or increasing
stress, and the child is vulnerable to some or all of these
consequences. Is the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
cycle
stressing
your
family members now?
The
rest of this article offers ideas to family adults based on the
premises above and the articles linked at the top of this page. If you
haven't read them yet, I urge you to do so now to better understand what
follows. If you want to know what typical "problem kids" feel and need, read
these verbatim pleas after you finish here.
Options
for Improving a "Problem Child's" Family Environment
Based on the premises above, you
probably
can't improve your
"problem child's" attitudes and behavior by
yourself, despite your best efforts. Your family adults
can...
stabilize any child-related family crisis, and adopt a long-range
outlook (e.g. 10-20 years).
define
your problem as family dysfunction, not a bad / defective / sick /
troubled / problem child;
encourage all your family adults and
any lay and professional supporters to work together on these:
KEY - read and discuss this introduction
to the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle. Then encourage each other to
break
the cycle and protect all your living and unborn kids from its effects.
learn - take these
quizzes
to motivate you to study and discuss Lessons 1 thru 6 or 7 in this nonprofit Web site. The objective is to improve the
nurturance level
of your family over time for all your sakes. Learn to think of your
family as a dynamic
system;
identify,
admit, and
commit to reducing your respective psychological wounds - i.e., help
each other apply Lesson 1),
learn and apply effective communication skills (Lesson 2), and how to communicate effec-tively with
kids and each
other. Then use these skills to...
patiently improve the effectiveness of your
child discipline. And all your adults...
learn, discuss, and
practice
analyzing and
resolving typical (family)
relationship problems; and...
As you work to improve your family's
nurturance level, be open to hiring an experienced
family-systems
therapist to help you. Other clinicians are apt to focus only on the
child and the surface problems.
For effective-communication options with
"difficult people," see these examples.
Pause, breathe, and reflect on what you just read. Does it make sense? Do
you agree with the premises above? Are you motivated to follow the
suggestions above, for all your sakes? If you answer "No" to any of
these, suspect that a protective false self
dominates you. If so, YOU are a major part of the problem!
Stay
focused: your overarching target is
protecting all your living and unborn kids from the lethal [wounds + unawareness]cycle. For
incentive, scan these items
about Grown Wounded Children.
Recap
This
article offers perspective and options for relating well to
a psychologically-
wounded (vs.
bad, selfish, or sick) minor or adult child. A key
premise here is that a child's "troublesome attitudes and behaviors" aresymptoms
of a
family-system problem - too little psychological and
spiritual nurtur-ance,
caused by adults'
inherited wounds and
unawareness.
The article proposes common surface problems with "troubled kids," and six
interactive primary problems It concludes with specific suggestions for
family adults and supporters aimed at improving the family-systems'
nurturance level. As that happens and kids' needs are met more consistently,
their problem attitudes and behaviors can improve over time.
The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/parent/problem.htm
What's the Surface
Problem?
