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This YouTube clip provides perspective on the questions you'll read
here:
It's one thing to read theories about the effects of family dysfunction.
It's far more poignant to read comments from real kids who aren't
getting the nurturing they need because their parents have inheri-ted
the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
cycle and are unable to nurture them
effectively.
This article reprints selected comments from real teens and young adults who are suffering
from parental neglect and abuse. Their comments are taken verbatim from
the "Questions and Answers" part of a major public Web portal you
probably use.
These kids are desperately seeking to answer family questions they
cannot articulate. If they had empathic, knowl3dgeable adult help, they
wouldn't need to use the Web to vent and plead for help. If their
parents had been taught this
information, these kids would not be writing these
questions. With-out informed adult help, these kids are future Grown
Wounded Children (GWCs)
As you read these posts, notice your thoughts and feelings. How would you
respond to these questions? I've edited the format for clarity, and
added selected highlites and links.
I'm
15. For about 3 years my life has been going down hill.
My mom was only 20 when I was
born and my parents never married. I lived with my mom until I
was 12. My life was fine. Then my mom got a boyfriend. He was nice and
he would always talk to me.
After 8 months of them dating they got engaged. When I found out I
wasn't ecstatic about it. Once they got engaged he completely turned on
me. He would never talk to me or do anything he used to.
I felt like I did something
wrong.
Their (sic) married now and had a baby 4 months ago. Don't get me
wrong.. Im crazy about my little brother...but
now it's like my mom has turned
against me now. Neither of them ever talk to me. It's only when
my stepdad is not in the room...that's when I talk to my mom, but
she never talks to me.
I'm
the one who always needs to start the conversation. Even when my stepdad
is collecting me from school there is complete silence in the car. My
mom asked me one day why I never speak to him. I said "because he never
speaks to me." Her answer to that was "he doesn't know what to say to
you. He thinks your a cranky teenager". If I do say something ...
he
ignores me, and that's why I don't speak to him.
Another thing was a few months ago we had family round for dinner. We
were in the kitchen and there were at least 10 others in there too. I
was walking to my seat and hit my toe off the side of the table and it
really hurt. I looked up at him and he rolled his eye's to heaven.
About a half hour ago I had to clean my birds cage out. I was looking
for a plastic bag so I could put the paper into. I couldn't find a bag
so I called my mom and asked did we have any plastic bags. I had the
drawer that we usually keep the bags in open and my hand was in the
drawer. She stormed in and slammed the drawer. I took my hand out just
on time before it slammed on my fingers.
I
understand there is a new baby in the house but
I feel totally rejected
and a waste of space. Sometimes I even think I'm just a mistake. The
message I get from my step-dad is that It's my fault I'm alive. I don't
think I'm jealous of my brother because I'm al-ways playing with him and
kissing him but I feel like my family and my stepdad's family have just
completely forgotten I exist. (Note
- This rejection is how the psychological wound of
excessive shame
begins - ed.)
Even
though its -10 outside I'm at the point of running away. The only people
who I feel important to are my grandparents. Since I was 10 me and my
mom lived with them. I feel that their (sic) the only people who love
me. I cant remember the last time my mom said she loved me...but she
always saying it to my brother. I don't want to be jealous but I tell my
brother I love him all the time. When Im playing with him my step-dad
always gives me a horrible look and all i see in his face is "Get away
from him."
I
know that when my grandparents are gone I'm going to be on my own. While
I'm writing this I'm crying because the thought of my grandparents not
being here anymore kills me. Every day I'm in my room just crying my
eyes out except when Im with my grandparents.
What advice would you give me to get through this. Please
help??
Note that this question
never mentions the girl's biological father He has apparently abandoned
his child.
+ + +
My
dad is a boss at work and when he comes home, he thinks he is the boss
of the house. He is always bossing us around, yelling at us like we're
criminals and freaking out about every little thing. Sometimes he treats
his workers better than he treats us.
One
time he admitted problem in his behavior but he never did anything about
it. Same old angry, aggressive, rude dad. One time he yelled at my mom
so loudly in a grocery store and made her cry. He thought his behavior
was normal.
Me
and my siblings tried to get him to apologize but he didn't. When guests
come over, he yells at us in front of the guests. It's so embarrassing.
My mom says "you're dad is just like that, deal with it". What to do?
+ + +
I just met my dad, he's evil, i feel lost, help,
what do i do? thought he meant alot to me but i
dont to him? He's evil, crazy.
He hurts me
emotionally, mentally. I feel so lost at times,
scared. But I don't want therapy. I just want to
be free of this awful misery.
(Implication - this child's mother is absent,
and/or offers no protection from 'this misery'"
- ed.)
+ + +
i feel
like giving up on my family..no other option...i
am 23.
1. what if
your brother treats you like a servant just because he paid for the first
year of ur college fees? He sends u to the post office to pay his monthly
bills and banks to deposit money etc on a bus all the time etc. Leave no
food for u at home and go out for parties without telling wen u return from
college?
2. and his wife moans about you not doing chores and cooking when u go to
college monday to friday (full time) and work sat and sun for 20 hours? u
cant watch tv cos they never leave it even if they have a spare switched off
in their room?
3. When you tell ur mother she says she feels bad about it but
nothing she
can do.
4. I lost my father 12 years ago. brother called me abroad to finish
college. Mother, brother and his wife treat me like a servant. Now that he
has done a favour for getting me started here.. i have to do him and his
wife's dishes and cooking all my life. cos i dont make much money to pay the
rent.
i can only work 20 hours which iam already. He tells mom i spend money on
shopping thats why i dont have money to pay him rent and bills. I am not
allowed to go any-where after college cos i should be home cooking and
cleaning for them. How cool is that?
My mother is also not helping. she wants me to give her some money every
month as well. How will i pay the fees and live then? she even doesn't talk
to my brother about all this.
+ + +
I really hate my brother,
like a lot!?
I
have a deep hate for my brother, his 14, I'm 17, I
rarely talk to him, but he lives with me, he makes
me never want to have a kid, if I was pregnant and I
found out it was a boy, I'd abort it just incase its
like him. he makes me want to go lesbian.
You don't understand how annoying he is,
he has adhd and is
homosexual, he walks around saying weird things and
making weird noises all day...
my cousins hate him, and give him dirty looks any
time his around, no one likes him!
when I look at him, even if his not doing anything I feel
aggravated, I just can't stand him, I can't look at
him, anything he does annoys me!
how can I sort this out? he makes me miserable. he was away
with my mom for 3 days, and I had the time of my
life, no migraines from his voice, the house was
actually quite for two minutes... now his back his
already got his tv blasting, talking to his self
really loud! his SO weird!
What can I do :'(
+ + +
I think i have some
serious problem? Or was i born to be a
**** up?
Hi everyone i dont know where to begin, its like since a
while something is just not going right. I am thinking too much. I feel like
there is a conspiracy going on all the time around me to make fun of me. I dont
hang out much but when i do and i smoke weed then i feel like people are trying
to humiliate me. I have made some new friends but again it feels like they are
here because these people are connected to my past and are here to bring out the
things that i am
embrrased
to tell anyone.
I dont know but i cant seem to
trust
any1 feels like even my bro n sis are conspiring against me.
i have hd a real rough past and lost
many people i loved the unnatural way like
my parents were shot dead in
a fight. and a lot more. Now whenever i am with people chilling and smoking weed
i feel like they r gonna pull a prank on me or abuse me physically like steal my
belongings or hurt me or **** me or god knows anything i am afraid of.
I just dnt know how to overcome this
fears. have a lots of stress going on in my mind financially. i am about to be 22. n
its like things i planned as aways are just not seeming to be working out. i was
an intelligent student and very ambitious. used to top in my class always but
now i cant even think straight. I am afraid even if i get a scratch that it
might turn into some infection. Afraid that i might get raped or rape someone
sometimes.
I am confused and cant make decisions. give real hard times to people who are
attached to me emotionally. i dnt feel certain how to react to things and hence
leave them and keep hiding from them. even when i hear a song i literally feel
related to the lyrics. when i watch movies i am thinking of it as real events
happening in my life. There is not 1
thing right in my life.
I feel as if i need a miracle to get health and money in an instant but i know
neither of them are ever happening so what to do now?
Can anybody tell me what exactly is
wrong
with me? and now i am feeling like some of you might trace this thread to
me and make fun of me for being a looser and posting this question :'(
+ + +
How do I get away
from a suicidal person without him killing
himself?
The guns are in the closet. He said he'd
shoot himself immediately if I got in a car
wreck and he could have prevented it. He had
several suicide attempts in the past (within
5 -10 years) and received a few years of
therapy to get it under control. He bangs
his head hard on the wall multiple times
when he's very angry at himself (I've seen
it 2 - 3 times). He hits the wall hard and
several times as an alternative to his head
at times and broke his hand once and damaged
it so it was swollen and in pain for weeks
later the last time (I saw it the last
time).
He has
''attachmen'' issues, that
I don't know he realizes he has. He feels
deeply depressed when he doesn't have a
girlfriend and gets angry at his friends if
they have one. He made future plans with one
girl that I know of after one date. He
bought an engagement ring for me 2 months
after meeting and hardly knowing one
another. He asked me to move in with him
shortly after. He made me feel guilty for
not accepting the ring right away or not
moving in with him fast enough with
statements like "I should have never bought
the ring. What a fool, what a failure I am!"
and "If you really loved/cared about me
you'd move in with me."
Upon my counselor's advise, I accepted the
ring and moved in with him a year ago. What
a fool I was to listen to the counselor
(although she didn't know about his
emotional problems since I didn't), accept
the ring and move in with him.
Bottom line --- He has moderate-severe
psychological problems - namely
moderate-severe depression, anger and
suicidal issues. I have severe anxiety and
it's a disability. How can I safely LEAVE
him knowing that we our individual problems
are that bad that we can not deal with or
talk to one another, WITHOUT him impulsively
reacting by killing himself?
I can NOT afford a hospital for himself or
myself, no insurance. My family lives far
away in PA. We are in CO now. His family
lives nearby.
+ + +
How do I get
myself out of this situation and what is going
on with me?
Just smashed up my little sisters ornaments
she collects and broke my brothers bookcase,
all because they were winding me up. I'm 16
and they're 8 and 9. I don't understand why
I did it but I did.
I locked my self in my room and my mum was
bashing at the door calling me a monster and
a freak and other verbal abuse. I have OCD
and dyspraxia and am going through the
process of referral to a psychiatrist (which
could take months) and seeing a counsellor
who I'm seeing tomorrow. At the moment I
can't see myself getting through the
night...
Any help? Thanks.
+ + +
I'm depressed and
feel worthless?
Well, today made me feel horrible. There's
this guy at school I like, and I told my
friends, and they went ask him if he liked
me (I didn't even ask them to) and he said
"Hell no." and made a face and he looked
grossed out.
Away from all that,
I hate myself.
I hate my hair, my face, my body, pretty
much everything. And i'm not some blonde
skinny ***** that hates herself for no
reason. No, i'm 160 pounds, and guys pay me
absolutely no attention. I wouldn't care if
I didn't even have to go to that school, but
people always commenting on how fat, gothic,
ugly, weird, etc... But they focus so much
on looks at my school its hard not to.
I've starved myself for about a week a month ago.
I
can't take it any more, its really
hard when every other girl at my school is
about 100 pounds.
It gets so annoying. I'm either depressed or bipolar, so it
just makes that worse.
I
have no clue what to do. How would I
persuade my mom to home school me? PLEASE
help me and don't judge.
I've even thought of suicide, so its
serious.
+ + +
Am I a
failure? Negativity issues? ?
Currently, my grades are crap. I want to
get them up, but my negativity plummets
them down. I have no special talents,
except for writing. I could write a
fantastic chapter in a matter of an
hour, with the craziest plot... But I'm
just giving up on school lately. I'm 16,
and priorities are huge right now... But
I can't help to cry because I feel like
I'm going to turn out into this huge
failure and that my life wont be as
successful as I want it to be.
+ + +
Please help, I'm
extremely depressed
about home life and
want to be taking
away. (Please read)?
I'm being
mentally abused
by my mother.
It's been like
this for the
past year
(Really my whole
life, but it's
gotten to a
point I want to
kill myself. The
only reason why
I haven't yet is
because I'm
afraid of death,
although if I
told you my
story you would
be surprised why
I haven't yet.)
I had/have a horrible life. I don't go to school, I have no
education and
not one friend
in the world,
not one. Not
even family
because my
mother fought
with them so
badly that they
don't even want
anything to do
with me anymore.
I can't even begin to tell you how she treats me. It would
take ages to
read everything.
that's how bad
it is. But I do
need help. I'm
going to see a
therapist
tomorrow and I
want to tell her
I want to leave
her and ask for
her help.
But the problem
is, is that I'm
17 (18 in March)
and I'm afraid
I'll be thrown
out on the
streets when I'm
18 and have no
where to go. I
also don't want
to leave the few
things I own
behind, things I
hold dear. Those
are the only two
reason why I put
up with her.
(She has serious
mental problems.
I'm talking
paranoid
schizophrenia,
Bi-bolar
disorder and
anger management
issues but
doesn't do
anything about
it. She thinks
she's totally
normal, but she
really F'd me up
in every way
imaginable.
I want to call the police to be taking away or at least be
put in a mental
institution.
(Although I
don't believe
there's anything
wrong with me,
but I would like
to be in a place
that people care
and want to
listen to me.)
What should I do?
+ + +
I don't want to
live with my life anymore...?
for one I
can't think of a good reason why I should
even continue with my life when
I'm a failure!
I DONT WANT TO LIVE aNYMORE! I'm always
sufferin.. I
don't want to live anymore, I don't see why
live and continue doing what I'm not
interested in... I can't talk to nobody, not
my mom or anyone!.. everything I feel like
my life is spiraling down and whats the
point..
I
don't know what to do Anymore.,.
+ + +
+ + +
I was molested at
a young age and..?
I notice that I have extreme sexual feelings
and I randomly begin crying, sometimes for
no reason. I'm curious if the following
symptoms have anything to do with it. I've
tried to forget it happened and I've only
told my mother about it. I'd afraid to bring
up any of these feelings toward her but
she'll ask me what's wrong with me when I
act out. So I'm going to ask.. Do the
following symptoms have anything to do with
my past?
- Sexual urges
- Fear of people when they get angry
- Crying for inconsequential reasons
- Having the urge/addiction to lie about
things
- Getting sexually aroused very easily
- Low self esteem
- Bad social skills
- Being somewhat suicidal
Any help would be necessary and helpful.
Thanks for listening!
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/parent/kid_qs.htm