About Guilt

        Guilt is the primal emotion most kids and adults experience when they be-lieve they've "done something wrong" - i.e. broken someone's rule - a should (not), must (not), cannot, or have to. Young kids begin absorbing these rules without discrimination from their family adults, hero/ines, older kids, teachers, and the media. Kids raised by wounded adults often evolve over-harsh, restrictive, or con-fusing rules that cause frequent, excessive guilts. Their personalities usually in-clude one or more guilty subselves. Kids raised by healthy caregivers gradually learn to validate others' rules ("Is it always wrong to interrupt other people?"), and trust their own judgment in forming new rules. Moderate guilt is a healthy regula-tor of personal and social behavior. Excessive guilts can cripple individuals, rela-tionships, and families.

        Because our Christian ancestors decreed divorce to be a sacrilege, many divorced parents and their kids are burdened with excessive guilts - and don't know it or what to do about it. Most people raised by wounded caregivers are also burdened with excessive shame and consequent self-neglect. Because of role and relationship unawareness, typical co-parents and stepkids suffer exces-sive guilts. In a family context, excessive guilts + shame often cause major role confusions, and divisive loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Without infor-med, corrective action, these dilute family nurturance, and promote psychological or legal divorce.

        Progress on family Project 1, and learning self-awareness and family basics provide an effective way to (a) form realistic self and mutual expectations (rules), and (b) spot and reduce excessive guilts and shame to normal levels. Guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am a mistake") feel similar, but are healed differently. Can you describe how? See Lesson 1.

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