About Shame and Guilt

        Shame  (low self esteem / self disdain) is the primal human emotion related to believing "I am a worthless, unlovable, disgusting, inept, stupid, ugly person / male / female." This crippling belief usually starts in early childhood, if we're taught that our worth depends on pleasing other people (like parents and teachers). Scorn, exclusion, and disrespect promote local or enduring shame, which promotes self-neglect and addictions. Public shame causes the emotion of embar-rassment.

        Guilt is a normal emotional reaction to our protective Inner Critic proclaiming "You broke a rule - a should (not), must (not), or ought (not) - you did something 'wrong')." Feeling guilty ("I did a bad thing") often amplifies personal shame (I am a bad thing!"), and feels similar to it. Moderate shame and guilt promote healthy personal decisions.

        Excessive shame and guilts are common in people raised in a low nurturance childhood. Many divorcing and stepfamily adults suffer these and up to five more false-self wounds, which promote low-nurtur-ance relationships and families. Family Project 1 in this site offers a framework for reducing these wounds over time. Excessive shame is reduced differently than excessive guilt. 

more detail  / slides  /  Project 1 index and guidebook  /  research  /  close