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Recall (a) the last time you told a lie, and (b) the rules your childhood caregivers taught you about "lying" or "cheating." We all learn early to defend against the searing pain of shame and guilt by distorting the truth - to ourselves (denials) and others (lies). Premise: adults and kids lie when they feel telling the truth isn't safe. Premise: to survive, typical young children raised in low-nurturance families develop an array of personality subselves. Among them are a reactive Shamed Child, Guilty Child, and Scared Child, and several devoted Guardian subselves who try to soothe and protect them from pain. One of the most common of these can be called the Liar, Con, Cheat, or Sneak. This well-meaning subself works with others like the Magician and People-pleaser to distort reality (e.g. lie or deny) and make that seem OK. Sometimes a talented Victim or Blamer subself adds convincing reasons why somebody else "made me lie" (so it's not my fault). From this view, "compulsive liars" are not bad or weak, they're fear-based adults or kids who aren't aware that (a) a protective false self rules them, and (b) they're trying to survive unsafe (low-nurturance) family and work or school environments. Implica-tion: if someone you care about lies "too much," are you doing something that makes it unsafe for them to tell you their truth? Co-parent Project 1 (a) connects the Nurturer subself to the Inner Kids, (b) re-trains young and Guardian subselves to trust the true Self and a benign Higher Power to keep them safe; and (c) promotes personal rights and integrity. As this happens, the person's needs to lie, cheat, and con other people are replaced by growing awareness, respectful assertion ("I don't feel safe telling you the truth because you usually scorn and criticize me, discount my needs, and then deny doing that.") and increasing internal and social honesty with little anxiety. detail / slides / Project-1 guidebook & links / skeptical? / Q&A / close |
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