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Before reading further, experience this non-commercial 1"
inspiration about you.
+ + +
Do you and your family have "significant role and
relationship problems"?
Would your family adults like to know how to prevent
personal and family stress?
This article and nonprofit Web site result from a
life-long quest. As a compulsive student of human behavior,
I have sought to understand the causes of epidemic personal,
marital, and family stress and unhappiness in our culture.
The signs of this unhappiness are everywhere -
divorce, obesity, addiction, "depression," homelessness, abortions,
crime, drugs, suicide, and more.
My research and experience as a family-systems therapist
since 1979 suggests four causes of these epidemic problems:
-
significant psychological
from
childhoods, and...
-
adult and social
(lack of information), and...
-
incomplete
of life
(broken bonds), and...
-
social denial of, and
indifference to, these three powerful factors.
One result of these factors is that over half of average
Americans make up to three unwise
and eventually divorce psychologically or legally. Another
result is that many parents and caregivers don't know how to
nurture their kids
So
the wounds and
unawareness get
to the next generation, spreading stress in our families and
weakening or society.
This nonprofit educational Web site exists to...
-
help people understand,
identify, and
their psychological
wounds, and...
-
protect their
families and descendents
from the epidemic [wounds + unawareness]
and...
-
promote
healthy, satisfying relationships and families.
The site originally focused on
helping people create satisfying stepfamily
relationships. It is expanding now to include all families.- like yours.
Think of people you care about who have
significant "problems" (unmet needs). If you could
help them learn how to fill their
needs more effectively, would you do so?
|
This article suggests three practical steps that any motivated person can take to
significantly
improve their personal serenity, relationships,
and family functioning, The steps are...
|
Raise your awareness.
Learn basic concepts
about personalities, psychological wounds, relationships, families, effective communication, and
healthy grieving;
Apply what you learn to
yourself, your family, and other key relationships. Then...
Alert other people to what
you've learned, and respectfully encourage them to learn
and break the [wounds + unawareness} cycle for their and their descendents' sakes.
Other articles
in this stress-prevention series suggest specific ways
human-service professionals can use these steps with
clients, patients, and co-workers to help prevent family
stress and divorce.
This series of
prevention articles assumes you're familiar with:
-
the
premises
underlying this nonprofit Web site;
-
normal personality subselves
(like yours) -
slides
or text
-
psychological
wounds
that often evolve in low-nurturance childhoods
-
an introduction to
Grown
Wounded Children (GWCs) and what being a GWC
means
-
an overview of
wound-recovery -
slides
or text
-
this
research summary about kids from "risky" (low
nurturance) families
-
the toxic [wounds +
unawareness]
that may be stressing your family -
slides or
text
Let's look
briefly at each of the three stress-prevention steps, and
answer some questions they may raise for you...
1) Raise your AWARENESS
My professional research since 1979 suggests that an
epidemic personal and family stressor is adult
Test this by investing time in these
self-assessment
Then
imagine how all the adults in your family and their
ancestors would do with the quizzes. If you've read the
articles listed above, imagine how many average
adults could describe the main ideas in them - and what the
ideas mean.
To grow essential awareness and knowledge for your
and any kids' sakes:
-
do
this simple
several times a day until it becomes a habit;
-
practice
in social situations; and...
-
invest undistracted time in
studying and discussing these
foundation articles. Ideally, do this with a partner
who shares your interest in achieving high-nurturance
relationships, wholistic health, and longevity.
Expect
to take several weeks to digest and integrate them all,
as you would with a use-ful college course.
If you're indifferent or ambivalent about taking these
three steps, or think "Well, I might try these steps
'sometime,'" you're probably guarded by a well-meaning
To see if you are,
see this.
Reality check:
were you ever taught
these foundation
Were your parents
and grandparents? Are you teaching
your kids about them? Paradox - most "well educated, mature"
lay and professional adults don't know what they don't know
about these topics, so they assume "I know enough." They
(you)
probably don't.
To make this step more real, reads this
true story of
an average stepfamily whose adults were wounded and unaware.
Then wonder if significant problems in your family (and
other) relationships could be caused by those things.
Prevention Step 2) APPLY Your New Knowledge
If you took the three awareness-building options above with an open mind
and no distractions, you may wonder...
-
Is a
running my life? My mate's life?
Are our kids developing false self wounds? If so, what
should we do?
-
What's the nurturance level
of our family (low to high)? Of my workplace? My
religious community?
-
From 1 (never effective) to
5 (always effective), how effective am I at
and
If I could I be significantly more effective, how would
that affect my life and relationships?
-
What are my personal and
family policies on
and
Is anyone I care about (star-ting with
me)
grieving major
(broken bonds)? If so, what should I
do?
-
Have our family
adults been passing on the [wounds + unawareness]
to our dependents?
-
Who would benefit from
knowing what I now know about the
cycle and its
effects?
-
(other questions...)
Let's explore each of these now. Links lead
to more detail. Note your option to print
any of these articles
&
and give them to others you care about.
Is a "false
self" running my life? My partner's life?
Are our kids developing "false-self"
To answer these vital questions...
-
read this
summary
of six common psychological wounds;
-
read
and discuss these articles on "Grown
Wounded Children (GWCs)"
&
and what false-self wounds
usually mean
&.
Then...
-
assess
yourself and others for significant false-self wounds.
Reluctance to study and discuss these resources with an open
mind - and justifying that (e.g. "I have more important
things to do.") - may indicate a protective false self is
controlling you.
If any of your kids' caregivers have significant false-self
wounds, assume that your kids have begun to form their own.
See this
for perspective. "Significant" is a subjective judgment.
If any of us
are ruled by a false self too often, what should I (we)
do?
You can...
-
apply this
framework for empowering your true Self;
-
apply these suggestions for
relating well enough to wounded
adults
and
kids;
-
help each other implement an effective
wound-reduction plan (slides
or text)
now; or...
-
doing this
until "later," or...
-
taking no
action.
The last two
options suggest you are dominated by a
well-meaning false self. Note what they imply about
your ruling subselves' main priorities...
Expand your knowledge and options by studying and
applying the Lesson-1 guidebook
Who's
Really Running Your Life? (by Peter
Gerlach, MSW; Xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd ed.). It integrates the
important Lesson-1 articles and is devoted to
wound explanation, assessment, and reduction.
What's the
nurturance-level of our home and/or family? Of my
workplace? My religious commu-nity?
Use...
this worksheet
&
for the first question,
this worksheet
&
for the second question, and read...
this
article
&
to gain perspective on the last question.
Before wound-reduction progress, typical
(GWCs) unconsciously
choose
low-nurturance social, religious, and work environments,
despite resulting stresses. Once aware of this and their
true Self is
GWCs can improve all
three of these over time!
Use these Lesson-1
resources
and/or the guidebook above to learn more detail,
options, and re-sources on the three questions above.
How effective am
I
at
and
and
Follow the links above, and use this
article for perspective
on the first question. Option - ask people who know
you to give you honest
feedback. The best
feedback will come from people (a)
their
who (b) know what "clear (vs. fuzzy, vague, or unfocused)
thinking" is, and (c) are often
of what's going on inside and around them. (Does this
describe you
yet?)
To gain clarity on the second question...
-
adopt an attitude of
curiosity, get undistracted, and take this
communication-basics
quiz
&;
-
study these
communication-basics -
slides or
text
&;
-
review this
checklist
&
of common communication blocks for unconscious toxic
habits;
-
enjoy inventorying your
communication
strengths
&
-
learn about effective problem-solving
-
slides or
text and
use this
checklist
&;
and...
-
see if you and/or important
others use any of these common
to win-win-problem-solving "too much."
For more perspective, (a) read these examples of
lose-lose
&
and win-win
communication and (b) ask others who know you for
constructive feedback on your communication
and effectiveness.
If you're not as clear-thinking and effective as you would
like to be, then...
-
adapt a patient, long-range
outlook (e.g. the next 25 years), and imagine cutting
the frustration and stress in your life (raising the
satisfaction and serenity) by at least half (!),
-
study and apply these
options for improving communication outcomes with
adults
and kids;
and...
-
commit to
patiently
studying, discussing, and applying these
Lesson-2 articles,
skill-practices, and resources - starting with
this;
-
notice what happens - i.e.
enjoy steadily getting more of your
met more often!
Does a dedicated
try to dismiss this outcome now?
Note - your
true Self
(capital "S") must usually
your personality to earn these benefits.
Option: Invest in the Lesson-2 guidebook
Satisfactions, by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
(Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates the key Web materials
here, and provides many
practical tools and resources to im-prove your and your kids'
communication effectiveness.
Recall -
we're reviewing basic options you have for applying some
vital new stress-prevention knowledge to your family and key relationships. Do you need a stretch
break before finishing this? Refresh your mental image of
the people you most care about, and wonder...
Continue
stress-prevention step 2...
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