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This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 - optimize your
relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare you for
Lesson 5 (evolve a high-nurturance family) and Lesson 6 (effective parenting).
This brief YouTube video clip previews some of what you'll read
here:
This two-page article is for people
with "anger problems" in themselves and their
relationships. The article applies to all
relationships, including adults and kids. The article
offers:
an introduction,
your "anger
profile"
anger 101 -
basics
about
anger policies
anger and
mourning
anger and
psychological wounds
typical
surface anger problems
common
primary anger problems
An anger "status
check," and...
practical
solution options
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit
Web site and the premises underlying
it
This article offers
perspective and options, not "quick fixes."
It provides practical options for (a) permanently reducing excessive anger and frustration in
you, andfor(b) responding effectively
to these behaviors in other adults and kids.
If you feel like
skipping the recommended readings above, you may be controlled by an
impatient false self.
My therapy client looked like a pro football player.In his late 40’s, this
big man sat on the couch with tears in his eyes, face screwed up like
a child. He said “My wife, the pastor, and our therapist all say that I have
an anger problem. I don’t see it!” This man's wife had
recently demanded that he move out of their home. They had married a year
before, full of plans and hopes - her second marriage, his first. His wife was talking mentalcruelty, abuse, and
divorce, despite the sincere covenant they’d made to each other
and God.
Terribly
neglected as a boy, this anguished man wondered in his grief
if he’d die childless, alone, and unloved.
His wife could not tolerate the
way
he expressed his angers, and they could find no middle ground despite marital
and pastoral counseling.
Another client comes to
mind. She was a soft-spoken, sensitive diabetic Mom who weighed over 250
pounds before blurred vision and a blood-pressure surge scared her into losing
weight. She struggled with an unsatisfying marriage and job, excessive anxiety
about her only son, and trouble trusting a God who had allowed her to be
sexually molested as a young teen.
She had many reasons
to feel and express anger, but couldn’t. “I can’t get angry,” she said in a
little-girl voice, “I feel too
guilty.”
The one exception was with her
(wounded, unaware) husband, whom she scorned as a parent and a partner despite his best efforts.
The ancient
shame
from a disparaging father and her molestation, and her
repressed rage at her attacker, her mother dying when she was 13, and at an
uncaring God, were literally killing this mother as she turned 40. She
desperately wanted to live.
I could fill a book with
anecdotes of anger and frustration expressed by hundreds of
clients in my therapy office. I could add scores of tales of
seething unspoken rage that froze the faces and bodies of tormented
men and women, corroded their health and their relationships, and scared their kids.
My father, sister, and I grew up in such homes.
Is anger damaging or
nourishing your important relationships? Do
you avoid and/or get paralyzed by chronically angry adults
and kids? What are your and your family's
anger policies? Are they your own shoulds, oughts,
and musts, or have you unconsciously adopted someone else's, like your
parents; a mentor, or a religion? How is anger affecting the
nurturance level of your home and family? Have you ever thought or
discussed questions like these?
I suspect you’re reading
this because you seek to master some
“anger problems.” This article
proposes using anger
and frustration to
nourish
your relationships. Do you think that’s possible? This article offers core concepts, options,
and suggestions that you can adapt to help
use your anger as a
relationship resource.
Your "Anger Profile"
Let’s start by you
interviewing yourself to learn something about you and anger.
Get undistracted, muse, and record your reactions to
each of these statements. Notice your feelings and thoughts as you do… T
= "true", F =
"false," and "?" = "I'm not sure."
I feel a mix of calm, grounded,
focused, "light," alert, aware, centered, purposeful, relaxed,"up,"
serene, and confident, somy
true Self is probably answering these
questions.
(T F ?)
I
see anger as a normal,
useful (vs. positive or negative) human emotion; and I
regard my
ability to feel angry as an asset in my life. (T F ?)
I
can tell the difference
between anger and frustration if I need to, and I know what
to do about each of these now. (T F ?)
Our
other family adults see anger as a
useful emotion now, and they value their ability to feel and express
it. (T F ?)
What I learnedabout (a) feeling and (b)
expressing anger from key males in my childhood is … (what?)
What I learned about (a) feeling and (b)
expressing anger from key females in my childhood is … (what?)
I’m comfortable enough now with (a) how
and when
I feel anger, and (b) how I express it with _ myself and _
other family adults and kids. (T F ?)
I’m comfortable enough now with how
our other family adults (a) feel and (b) express anger at _
themselves and _ other family adults and kids.
(T F ?)
I know
_how to express
anger constructively with my mate, and _ I’m satisfied with how I've done
that recently. (T F ?)
I’m comfortable enough now with
_
how my mate expresses anger with me,
_ how often, and _ why s/he does.
(T F ?)
I can remain centered and aware (vs.
numbing out, fighting, or fleeing) when other people express anger at me now.
(T F ?)
None of our family
adults
need to suppress significant anger now. (T F?)
I can _ clearly define the difference
between
assertion and
aggression,
and _ so can our other family adults. (T F ?)
My partner and I are able to
talk effectively about our marital
anger needs and conflicts.
(T F ?)
I can clearly describe our
home and family's policies (shoulds, musts, oughts, and have to’s)
about _ feeling and _ expressing
anger and frustration with each other now. (T F ?)
I want to _ show this profile to
other family members and _ discuss it with them. (T F ?)
Pause to reflect
on what you’re
feeling and thinking. If there are other items you want to
include in your profile, what are they? Jot down any questions, observations,
or actions that occur to you now, and review them after you finish this
article. Can you describe why you’re reading this
- specifically?
Let’s build on your anger
profile by exploring…
Anger Basics
We humans are blessed with a marvelous range of
emotions: automatic neuro-chemical responses to our sensory perceptions.
Life
without emotions would be robotic, meaningless, and probably brief, since
emotions promote our survival. Relationships that evoke few emotions are
boring, flat, and shallow. Have you experienced that?
Is it Anger
or Frustration?
Do anger and frustration feel similar to you? You may feel
both at once, depending on the situation. Unaware
people often confuse these emotions and don't know the difference.
Frustration is a reflexive
response to being unable to satisfy current
needs (discomforts).
Anger is usually triggered by hurt,
fear (e.g. a threat), and/or an injury.
Awareness of
this difference helps to respond appropriately to
each of these emotions in yourself and others. In relationship problem-solving, applying this
idea leads to "If you're angry with me, what am I doing (or not doing) that
hurts or scares you?" The same question helps understand and
resolve anger at yourself or another person.
Think of the last time you felt
"pretty angry." Were
you hurt or anxious, or did you feel unable to fill a key
need? Now think of your favorite "angry person." Is s/he
often hurt, feeling unable to reduce some discomfort, or both?
When you feel frustrated,
try asking "What need am I trying to fill
now?" When you're angry, try asking "What's causing my pain or
fear, and what are my options?"
Feeling vs.
Expressing
Feeling and
expressing anger are different.Feeling it is
instinctive (hormonal and neurological). Expressing anger can be
controlled. Do you agree? Learning how to express anger and
frustration use-fully ("impulse control") is a basic
social skill.
Feeling emotions ranges from pleasurable (joy,
satisfaction, happiness, ecstasy) to very uncomfortable
(sorrow, agony, hurt, fear, shame, guilt, remorse, hatred,
terror, overwhelm, exhaustion, etc). Uncomfortable feelings
are often termed as "negative," which is associated with
"bad."
Faces, bodies, and voice
dynamics broadcast anger even if we try to repress it.
Anyone denying or minimizing current
hurt and anger usually signals
that a
false self controls
them - i.e. a subself feels it's not safe to feel or express anger
honestly.
All emotions indicate current needs, which is
priceless information.
Relationships exist to fill mutual
needs, so emotions can help to identify and fill needs, and
nourish emotions. Do you agree? .
Anger
is Not "Negative"
Anger is an instinctive automatic reflex to guard against
injury, pain, and death. Your anger response is no more
negative
than sneezing, urinating, coughing, or goose bumps. For several reasons,
unaware parents may teach kids that anger is negative or bad.
Parents rarely teach the difference between feeling and
expressing emotions. Did yours?
From this view, trying to repress feeling anger is
unhealthy - like trying to stop breathing or moving your
bowels. Trying to control expressing emotions can
help or hurt relationships and families. All families
develop rules about how and when to express various
emotions. What were the rules in your family about
expressing anger and frustration? Who made the rules? What
happened if you broke them?
Can you think of someone be who expresses anger or
frustration constructively? "Constructive" means
"strengthening mutual respect and trust." Now think of
someone who expresses these emotions destructively.
For example...
yelling / screaming
throwing things
badmouthing
not listening
bringing up the past
monologing
swearing
breaking things
physical violence
aggression
manipulating
catastrophizing
blaming
insulting
sarcasm
revenge
distorting
ranting
One cost of being taught
that "being angry" is wrong is feeling you have to hide or repress it.
Another cost is feeling
guilt and shame for "feeling and/or
acting angry." Neither of these is justified, unless people
express the emotions destructively!
Imbalances in neural and
endocrine (hormonal) systems can cause harmful anger behaviors. These can be
hard to distinguish from wounded people who repress and
accumulate anger until it explodes. Competent psychiatrists can help to
differentiate and treat both of these. I suspect that organic imbalances can
be caused or amplified by serious
psychjological wounds – i.e. anger
explosions can be psycho-somatic reactions.
Anger is emotional energy.
Energy used to change or create something is power.
Anger-power can
help you to create relationships or
can damage them. Stay tuned for ideas on how to
use anger constructively.
Anger Policies
A personal "policy" is a learned set of
beliefs + values + rules (shoulds, oughts, musts, and have
to's) that regulate our behavior and our opinions of
other people. From social training and
life experience, every adult and child evolves semiconscious policies about
feeling and expressing hurt, anger, fear,
needs, frustrations, and other emotions. Do you agree?
A healthy
policy is one which helps you and other people fill your needs, heal, and
grow.A toxic policy inhibits these. Have you ever identified your
anger and frustration policies? Can you describe other key people's policies? Can
they?
See the Lesson-4
article on anger policies for more perspective.
How well people's anger and frustration policies mesh, and
how toxic or healthy their policies are, will shape whether
they have “major anger problems” with each other. This is
true of in each key relationship in your life, and with
your
Higher Power. Have you ever
identified your Supreme Being’s anger policy?
Anger 101
continued...
Anger and Healthy Mourning
Feeling
and expressing pain and anger are essential phases of healthy
mourning. So repressing grief-related
emotions
or inhibiting them in other people will
stress you and/or them,
promote
false-self dominance, and weaken relationships.
Typical kids and
adults always have significant prior
losses
(broken bonds) to mourn.
Premise:
incomplete grief
is one of
five reasons for
epidemic
U.S. divorce and "mental health problems." self-improvement
Lesson 3
proposes how to understand and finish incomplete mourning. Adults' awareness of these anger
basics can help to do that!
“Anger problems”
take on a new perspective in the context of psychological
wounds. Adding this perspective will increase your
options to reduce and avoid “anger problems”
within you
and between you and other people.
Anger and False-self
Dominance
Premise - kids deprived of too
many psychological and spiritual
nurturances survive by automatically developing a group of protective
personality
subselves and
coping behaviors. Typical kids and parents aren’t aware of this, and regard the resulting attitudes and behaviors as “normal.”
Until in true
recovery
from false-self
wounds
(Lesson 1), most adults (like you?) are unaware of...
which
subselves form their anger
and frustration policies and determine how they express
these helpful emotions.
Awareness of your
subselves can help you - or anyone - resolve all
your role and relationship
problems!.
Subselves and
Repressed
Emotions
How and why do people like
my abuse-survivor mom client (and you?) repress their natural
anger reflex? I propose that different combinations of subselves cause this. For
example: you feel hurt, frustrated, and/or scared, and angry subselves naturally
start to activate.
Your
Historian subself says "Every time we
showed anger (in childhood), we got ridiculed, punished, and rejected (hurt)."
Historian may also warn "Every time we’ve been around angry men / women
/ people we’ve gotten major pain!"
At the same time, your
Inner Critic and
Moralizer can sternly
decree "It’s shameful, to (a) feel anger and/or to (b) express it
publicly (or to certain people).” Your Catastrophizer may shrilly add “Don’t you dare feel or show anger! You know (something
awful) will happen!”
Your
Abandoned and/or Scared young
subselves contribute
fearful thoughts and feelings (“If we show anger,
(someone) will hurt me, and we
there’s no one to protect me!”). Your Shamed Child can add
inhibiting emotions and thoughts like “I don’t deserve to get my needs met.
I’m selfish and disgusting.”
Your
Guilty Child may flood you with emotion and thoughts like “Oh NO! I’ve broken a rule again!”
Your protective
People-Pleaser may plead “PLEASE don’t
feel (or show) anger, or Abandoned Child will be even more terrified!”
Your energetic Achiever may activate to distract you by
urging “Come on, get busy right NOW!” Still other
Guardian subselves may
flood you with weariness, and/or images and hungers for comforting sugars and
fats.
The emotional intensity and
clamor of these all these subselves overwhelms your wise
true
Self (capital "S"),
Adult, and
Spiritual subselves. To quell the
stressful uproar, your Guardian Numb-er rides to the rescue by controlling your glands so you don’t
feel hurt, scared, and angry.
Your Analyzer and/or Observer may
pitch in by distracting your Self with intellectual assessments of “What’s going
on here, and why?”
If your glands work and you do feel angry, your
clever Magician may convince you it’s some other emotion ("Naw -
you're just edgy and irritable.") .
If someone challenges this, this talented subself offers persuasive reasons why the
challenge is wrong. That gives ammunition to your
Warrier who distracts and defends by counterattacking (“There you go again, reading
my mind, telling me what I feel and blaming me.”)
All this happens in a few
secondsbelow your conscious awareness.
Key results:
Little or no felt
hurt and anger, despite real
cause for it;
A chronic neuro-chemical
stress
reaction which may weaken organs and/or your immune system. I suspect this
was contributing to my obese client’s weight, diabetes, and blood-pressure
problems and related anxieties at age 40;
The needs that
cause the
anger go unrecognized and unfilled, perhaps including the need to mourn;
Possible unconscious
passive-aggressive behavior and/or
double messages
("I am not angry!") that cause new
problems; and...
Part of your
identity (“I can’t or
don’t get angry.’) is strengthened.
Anger repression
promotes social reactions too, like distrust,
confusion, and anxiety.
Can you think of
any
kids or adults who cope with stress by reflexively repressing their hurt,
anger, and frustration and
perhaps denying or trivializing that? Each of them has a different set of inner-family
subselves and dynamics, but their outcomes are probably the same. Until they
learn about and want to change this protective reflex, repressing or numbing
uncomfortable emotions is
likely to...
cause a cascade of other
relationship problems,
degrade long-range personal serenity and health;
and to...
teach kids to inhibit
feeling or expressing some healthy emotions.
Have you ever considered the
causes and effects of repressing (numbing and denying) normal hurt, anger, and
frustration responses like this? Does the
above make sense to you? Does it apply to you and key adults and kids
in your life? If so, how is this repression affecting your
relationships and health?
Let’s
continue with
practical ways to use anger constructively. Do you need a break
first?
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/anger.htm
Your "Anger Profile"
Is it Anger
or Frustration?