Continued
from p. 1..
Now let’s look at...
Subselves and
Expressing
Anger
Emotions can be expressed
usefully or destructively Useful expression fills everyone's
needs in an acceptable way, and strengthens relationships. Destructive
expression blocks need-filling, and damages mutual respect and trust.
Three concurrent dynamics cause most
problems expressing anger and frustration: the
subself-interactions inside you + inside your partner/s +
between your groups of subselves. If each person is guided by their
true Self and wants to express intense emotions constructively (to
fill needs), anger "problems" are unlikely
Let's return to the story that opened this article. Unawareness
+ wounds + anger and frustration
outbursts were damaging my
client’s marriage and family. I suspect the “anger
problem” his wife accused him of boiled down to this: she and her son did
things that caused his subselves to feel ashamed, frustrated, guilty, or scared. Specifically, he felt his wife
and ignored his repeated protests and requests.
He
said his attempts to assert and problem-solve
harvested scorn, sarcasm, accusations, self-doubt, pain, and mounting
frustrations from his wife, not relief. Note:
neither he, his wife, nor their
pastor or marital therapist knew about...
-
psychological wounds and recovery
(Lesson 1),
-
effective communication
(Lesson 2) or...
-
stepfamily
realities (Lesson 7).
Finally
this man's powerful
Rager, Rebel, and
Warrior subselves
broke free of restraining subselves and took over, to protect his inner
and
Kids.
The former caused his voice to get loud and deep, his body to tense, his
face to scowl and flush, his voice tone to become domineering, and him to say forcefully “No more!”
He was referring to
the hurt he had bottled up from his stepson ignoring him, and his wife
accusing him of being “selfish,” an “ineffective stepfather” and “an abusive
husband,” and vehemently denying that she took her son’s side over his.
Underneath this outburst was
four decades of repressed anger, confusion, and sadness from
starting in his earliest years. These were magnified by
and
other emotions related to the chemical
he was managing.
This man’s boiling over and asserting limits scared his wife’s subselves
badly, and threatened them with the imminent loss of being in control
of their
relationship. Her subselves couldn’t risk either of these, so they scornfully
pronounced that he had “an anger problem,” and demanded that he leave despite
his entreaties to work things out. When I asked her tormented husband if she'd
meet with him and me, she (her protective, distrustful false self) refused.
The
subself
is born during agonizing neglect in our earliest years. S/He is usually stuck
in the past, and tantrums (screams, yells, throws things) hysterically when
core needs go unmet. This subself is primitive and emotionally volatile. S/He
has little wisdom or cognitive awareness to work with, and needs consistent
tender sensory comforting.
The
subself is often a teen. Part of her or his passion is irrational, normal defiance to assert and “do it (be) myself!” When part of a
ruling false self, the Rebel characteristically promotes black/white dramatic
thinking, sarcasm and c/overt criticism, and relentlessly arguing or sullen
silences, rather than listening, reasoning, and asserting calmly. Sound
familiar?
The
is
an
older Guardian subself who promotes dedicated narrow-minded rage and
aggression to protect the tormented or terrified inner kids. The powerful
can contribute scathing anger too, often directed at the host
person (i.e. other subselves.) That activates the
and
Kids, which causes… (more inner-family uproar).
These are common
inner-family elements of someone who causes personal and relationship
“problems” by the way they express their anger. Like the
repression
scenario on p. 1, these forceful, passionate subselves don’t trust the resident
true
subselves to keep the
safe enough.
Do you know any chronically
angry adults or kids ("rageaholics")?
They're probably burdened with a
related
psychological
and inner-family
chaos like the above. Most of them will stay "stuck" in the anger
phase of
grieving their losses until they understand and accept their wounds and choose to
them.
Until you and
key others are
aware of (a) your inner-family dynamics and (b) how to have your subselves trust your
respective true Selves to lead them, you probably aren't aware of your
dedicated
effects on your health and relationships.
The concepts
above can
help your family adults understand, identify, and resolve “anger problems." Recall: a problem is an unmet
personal need in, and/or conflicting
needs between, two or more people or subselves.
One result of psychological wounds is repression
or destructive expression of anger. Another result is people stressed with anger
and frustration problems react only to the surface issues, not these primary problems
them:
Once
admitted, all three can be greatly
improved!
Frustration 101
See how
your beliefs compare with these...
-
All infants, kids, and adults feel needy
all the time. Needs are emotional, physical, and spiritual
discomforts, which cause all animal and human behavior
-
Frustration ranges between minor
to major, and local to chronic.
-
Frustration is neither good nor bad. It is an automatic
human
response to one or more of these:
-
a
is currently in charge
- the person's true Self is disabled.
-
the
person can't identify and/or fill
some current needs effectively.
-
s/he chose or accepted unachievable responsibilities or
goals.
-
s/he feels a major unresolved
or
impasse.
-
s/he has unrealistic expectations about
someone or something.
-
a
has a compulsive need to
control, and/or...
-
s/he feels
by something.
-
Expressing frustration
and (b) discounting ["My unfilled
need is no big deal." or repressing normal frustration
promotes personal and relationship stress.
-
I
can avoid or reduce significant frustration
by...
-
having my
usually
my
(
-
learning how to
my primary needs in important situations;
-
learning to distinguish anger
and frustration;
-
evolving an authentic
Bill of Personal Rights and living
by it;
-
studying and applying lesson 2
(effective communication);
-
learning how to define, assert, and
enforce my
and consequences
calmly and respectfully;
-
being patient and aware of
what I can and can't control; and...
-
learning how to give other able people
responsibility for their own lives, and to avoid feeling
for their needs, behaviors, and frustrations.
-
Adults and kids who are often
frustrated (i.e. who lack these requisites) are not bad -
they're
They merit compassion,
not blame or ridicule!
-
Any
motivated adult or teen can learn to acquire the requisites above and avoid or
reduce significant frustration among their subselves and in their
family and other relationships!
-
Any informed parent usually guided by their
true Self (capital "S") can model and provide these requisites to their
dependent kids.
Attitudes and beliefs like these comprise your personal policy on expressing frustration. Pause, breathe, and notice your
What are you aware of now? If you just discovered something useful, what is
it?
Reality check - think of a major frustration in your life. Then with
your Self in charge,
to discover what unfilled
are causing your frustration. Then try to identify specifically what
prevents you from filling those needs. Review these
for perspective.
You just read some basic premises that contribute to your and your
family's policies on feeling and expressing anger and frustration.
Common
Surface Anger
Problems
| As a therapist and
person, I've often witnessed and experienced common "anger" problems
between people. Though details and causes vary widely, the main themes are few.
A core theme is: the “anger problem” is usually not the problem.
Repressed or expressed anger is a symptom of unmet primary needs
in one or both partners. What follows is based on this premise. |
Think of an adult or child with whom you have a significant "anger problem." See if
your
problem is some version of one or more of these symptoms:
1)
We
try to resolve various problems and one or both of us starts or ends up angry
and/or frus-trated. This makes
the problem worse. At times the anger, or avoiding it, becomes our
focus, and our original needs get lost.
2)
One
or both of us
is significantly scared, guilty, and/or ashamed of (a) feeling and/or (b) expres-sing
our own anger. We express angry “timidly” (a
confusing
or avoid assertion
and conflict, so our problems go unresolved, and
inside and between us
grows.
3)
At times, one of us "loses
it," and "loses control" (of what?) in expressing anger
and/or frustra-tion, according
to someone. Restated: one of us may get inappropriately angry, or angry “too
often,” in someone’s opinion. The angry behavior may escalate into threats,
verbal or physical aggression, or
which paralyzes the other person
(specially kids), or
they leave or explode, rather than
One or both of us, and/or other family
members, are significantly intimidated by these anger erup-tions. The
“exploder” may have follow-up feelings of remorse and apologize, and repeat
the cycle again. Someone may call him or her a “rageaholic” or the like.
4)
One or both of
us doesn't feel normal anger, despite clear causes for it.
Variation: one of us judges the other as being “passive-aggressive” (expressing resentment, frustration, and anger covertly, and denying it). Typical symptoms:
-
being
over-intellectual, paralyzed, or numb in conflictual, confusing, and
frustrating situations;
-
having impassive or frozen faces and bodies, and
flat, unexpressive voice tones, in tense or conflictual social situations;
-
chronic teeth grinding, facial tics, muscle spasms and tightness (shoulders,
neck), back pain, ulcers, and/or hypertension (high blood pressure); and/or...
-
tendency to overwork
(this can have many causes).
More common surface "anger
problems"...
5)
One
or both of us
denies that s/he’s angry, and the other insists otherwise.
Possible symptom: One or both of you are (a) chronically "irritable" or angry
(at "the world," each other, and/or others), and (b) you don't know why, and
(c)
the chronic anger is corroding your relationship.
6)
One
or both of us
get angry, and other family members get drawn in to cause household or
fami-ly uproar. We do little or no effective
7) Our best attempts
to improve any of these, perhaps including therapy, don’t bring permanent
resolution and improvements.
Common results from focusing on
surface anger / frustration
problems like these include...
-
conflict avoidance, or too little
effective conflict resolution. This
increases personal and household
tension (dissatisfaction), and distrust of your resolution abilities.
These cause more inner and mutual (secondary) conflicts.
-
inconclusive, adult arguments
or debates
over surface problems that weaken the relationship, and raise kids' and
adults' frustrations and insecurities.
-
a child is acting out an adult's unexpressed
anger or is in a family-scapegoat
which
is defocusing the family's
attention from facing the adult anger problems;
-
a wide range of physical health problems,
causing family members chronic financial and related
anxieties; and/or…
-
"floating anxieties" and/or
Some people feel that depression is “anger turned inward,”
which may come from healthy or incomplete grief.
Is this a fair summary of common anger problems" in your experience?
Now lets review...
Typical
Primary Anger Problems
Combinations of these factors cause most (all?) surface anger problems...
1)
One
or more angry people are ruled by a
before or during confrontations. A mix of fearful,
guilty, or shamed
can (a) block your feeling
hurt or scared and angry; or
(b)
subselves like
and/or
and maybe
others overwhelm your true Self, and cause “rage attacks” or “explosions.”
The
exploder's reactions afterward depend on their mix of other subselves. If s/he
has powerful
and
inner kids, they'll
have one or several
Guardians like:
A
Magician ("It never
happened.");
A
Peacemaker ("It was awful! It's
all my fault. I'm so sorry! Forgive me? Give me one more chance?”);
A
Blamer ("Don't you see how you
made me get angry? It's your fault!"); or...
A
Sad / Depressed One ("I feel
so bad about it, I just can't get out of bed..."); etc.
There are many other possible active Guardian subselves, like
Whiner, Numb-er, Victim/Martyr, Addict, Distracter, etc. Often,
several Guardian subselves act at once to protect Inner Kids.
2)
A
related primary cause is
one or more angry people...
-
lack an empowered
and inner and/or outer
to grieve
well, and/or they...
-
are stuck in the (normal)
anger
phase of mourning major losses (broken bonds) - and...
-
no one knows
this or how to discuss and “fix” it. And/or "anger problem" occur because...
3)
One
or more people don't (a) know or (b)
use the
seven effective-communication
- i.e. you forget to (or don’t know how to)...
-
your
-
them promptly and respectfully,
-
learn what your partner/s really need
now, and you don't know how to...
-
maintain a focused two-person
as you...
-
negotiate win-win resolutions
together as
mutually-respectful teammates.
Reality check: can you name the seven skills and
when to use them now? Can your other family adults and older kids? Are you consciously using the skills
to fill your personal and mutual needs?
More common primary anger problems...
4)
One
or more people (i.e. your ruling
subselves) may have unrealistic or harmful attitudes and beliefs about...
-
hurt, anger, neediness, and frustration ("They're negative!"),
-
hurt, angry, needy, or frustrated people ("They're
selfish, rude, weak, or bad!”), and
-
anger's causes and outcomes ("Anger never helps").
And/or...
5) Any
of you may be unaware of your anger and frustration policies (values
and rules), and/or you don't
know why or how to improve them. And/or...
6)
One
or more of you may be unclear on the difference between feeling and expressing
anger and frustration, and the implications of that; And/or...
7)
One
or more of you (a) are unaware of
these primary problems, or (b) you deny that they
apply to you, or (c) you minimize their importance.
The bad news: unrecognized, these core anger / frustration problems will degrade your health
and
relationships, and stress your family and others.
The good news: your family
adults can reduce or heal each of these primary “anger” problems, over time
- specially if you help each other do so!
Pause
and reflect - do these primary problems make sense to you? Do they seem
believable? If not, why? If so, are you motivated to assess for and reduce these problems
in your relationships now?
Expressing Anger and Frustration Constructively
Most
unaware people express or repress anger and frustration automatically. Have you
known any-one whose way of expressing anger and frustration earned your respect?
Your disrespect? How would people describe
your way of expressing these normal emotions? What criteria do you use to
award your dis/respect?
Premise - expressing hurt, anger,
needs, and
frustration constructively...
-
leaves all people involved feeling (a) safe, (b)
and (c) genuinely
and...
-
promotes each person involved filling their
current
needs
well enough,
and...
-
nourishes, rather than stresses, the
self-respect and relationships among all people involved.
Would you edit these criteria in some way? Do they
fit the people whose anger-styles you admire?
Examples
Compare these sample expressions of
anger to what you usually say. Option - imagine how you would feel
and
react if someone said things like this to you - calmly, with comfortable eye
contact:
"When you (do or don't do ____________), I feel
and (really) angry (and/or) frustrated!"
"I feel really
by you now. That
hurts,
and I feel resentful and angry!"
"When you put your needs and feelings ahead of
mine, I feel hurt, disrespected, resentful, and angry!"
"When you keep interrupting me, I feel
disrespected, hurt, angry, and frustrated!"
"When you don't keep your commitments to me, I
feel disrespected, hurt, and angry!"
"When you neglect yourself, I feel worried,
ignored, and frustrated!"
"When you won't help me (fill some current
need), I feel (really) disappointed and frustrated!"
"When you need to avoid taking responsibility
for your actions and you deny that, I feel frustrated, and I lose respect for
you."
I feel frustrated because you won't join me
in evolving a constructive anger policy for our family."
"It really makes me feel used, disrespected,
hurt, and angry that my boss
ignores my needs and expects me to work so much overtime without extra
pay or time off."
"It hurts and frustrates me when you pay
more attention to your child than to our daughter."
"I feel REALLY frustrated, hurt, and angry
that you ignore my requests (disrespect me), and keep making major
purchases without consulting me!"
"I'm pretty frustrated. I need you to
___________."
"You seem really frustrated. Can you say
what you need, and what prevents filling it?"
Options - scan these common communication
tips and blocks,
and then go back over each example above and imagine what a destructive
expression would sound like. Note what is not part of
these examples -
-
name-calling, swearing, and labeling ("you are so insensitive..."),
-
generalizing ("you always / you never..."),
-
hinting ("I'm sort of bothered that
you...");
-
blaming ("You make me throw things!")
and threats,
-
bringing up multiple problems, and...
-
focusing on the past or the future.
What
you've just read is abstract and theoretical.
How can you put these ideas to work
for you and the people you care about?
Status Check
Before
looking at specific options to use anger and frustration constructively, see
where you stand: T =
"T(rue); F = F(alse), and "?" = "I'm not sure" or "It depends on..." (what?)
I
believe
that my relationship with ________ would significantly improve if we resolve some
primary “anger problems”
together. (T F ?)
I can
describe what “false-self dominance” is, and I know how to
for it in me and
other people. (T F ?)
I
accept
that
(a) the anger
problems I have with ________ are surface problems (symp-toms), and that
(b) to
truly resolve them, we need to identify and fill the primary needs causing them. (T F ?)
I can (a)
clearly describe my and my family's anger policies (beliefs and values) now; and (b) I feel we can
upgrade them if they significantly lower our family's
harmony and
.
(T F ?)
I accept that
I am causing half of any
“anger problems” with (someone), though I may not see how yet. (T F ?)
I
can
describe
(a) what a
is, and (b) the difference between an
inner-family anger
and an
interpersonal anger problem now. (T F ?)
I
can
clearly describe why I'm
reading this article, and whether I’m getting what I need here, so far. (T F ?)
I feel some mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relax-ed, alert, aware, alive, serene,
purposeful, and clear; and I believe
my
is guiding my personality now. (T F ?)
Pause, breathe well, and
observe your thoughts and emotions now.
Everything you’ve read so far is “what are the problems with feeling and
expressing anger and frus-tration?” Now let’s look at your…
Options
If you
and others have some
significant “anger problems” now, you can...
Deny
or trivialize
the problems, intellectualize (analyze and explain) them, and/or postpone resol-ving them. Or you can…
Acknowledge that
you have a problem, but do nothing now. Endure
the short and long-term consequences together, and rationalize or deny you’re doing this.
The consequences may include unintentionally
kids psychologically, not teaching them how to use anger
constructively, and risking relationship damage or loss. Or you can...
Blame someone for
your mix of (surface) anger problems. Avoid taking responsibility for resolving your part and for asserting your
Or...
Consciously try to resolve your surface anger problems with or
without professional help, and cope with mounting frustration and anxiety
over time; Or you can learn how to...
-
keep your true Self
your personality in calm and
stressful situations (Lesson 1), and...
-
validate all your emotions as natural
and useful, and to...
-
-
you can learn to......
-
identify and assert your needs and
boundaries effectively (Lesson 2); and
-
learn how to relate
and respond to wounded, unaware
adults and kids (Lessons 2 and 4); and you can learn to...
-
use anger and frustration
energy constructively - i.e. to
and enhance your relation-ships and mutual respects (Lesson 2).
Notice
your thoughts now. Can you imagine committing to learn these powerful
options?
Recap
This
Lesson-4 article is for people who seek to understand and reduce "anger problems"
in their lives. It proposes:
-
the important difference between (a) anger
and frustration and (b) feeling an emotion and expressing it
-
feeling emotions is healthy and normal,
never "negative." Expressing emotions can be controlled, and may be
"negative."
-
how normal personality subselves affect
feeling and expressing anger and frustration;
-
typical surface
anger problems, and a set of primary needs underlying them, and...
-
specific options for using anger/frustration
energy constructively.
For
more perspective, read
this article on healthy personal and
family policies on feeling and expressing anger and frustration effectively.
Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed
from reading this article? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your wise
or
