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This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 4 in
this Web site - improve your relartionsahips.
This YouTube video previews key ideas in this article:
This articleillustrates an
effective way to reduce relationship addiction
(codependence) - a common symptom of psychological
wounds from a low-nurturance (traumatic) childhood.
The article assumes you're familiar with...
The
intro to this Web
site and the
premises underlying
it
Codependence is one of four types of addiction which all seek to
self-medicate unbearable
inner pain.
Codependents
typically over-focus on the current welfare and activities of another person (often another addict), and consistently lose sight of their own needs,
feelings, and lives.
That is, codependents lose healthy me/you
boundaries and their own personal
integrity, identity, friends, and life goals - despite consistently painful outcomes.
Americans first learned of this widespread dynamic in the
1980s from books by
Anne Wilson Schaef and
Melody Beattie.
Many human-service
professionals and the public have been taught to view addiction as a
disease. I disagree, because diseases
are caused by germs and/or organic malfunctions. I propose that
any
addiction (toxic compulsion) comes from an
unconscious psychological reflex to numb or
distract from (i.e. self-medicate) significant shame, guilt, anxiety, confusion,
loneliness, and despair.
Believing "I have a disease" can promote feeling defective,
"sick," anxious, and
inferior to "healthy" people. This increases the false-self wound of
excessive shame. Thinking "I've inherited psychological wounds from my
ancestors" feels and sounds different. Do you agree?
The public and many health professionals see addictions as a
personal pathology. As family-system
dynamics become better understood and accepted, that is
gradually changing to seeing any addiction is a symptom
of a low-nurturance
("dysfunctional") childhood.
Premise -
surviving a low-nurturance childhood promotes
developing a ''false self''
- a fragmented per-sonality composed of
''subselves''
or parts. Most
"mental health problems" - including codependence - are
symptoms of a disabled true Self. This implies
that reducing any psychological problem requires...
accepting and identifying
the subselves comprising your personality
harmonizing your team of subselves under the leadership of your
wise resident true Self; and...
intentionally choosing
high-nurturance (vs. toxic) social environments - e.g. friends,
church, neighborhood, and school or workplace.
Lesson 1 in
this nonprofit Web site provides practical guidance and resources for
doing these things.
Options for Reducing Codependence
Many people believe the most effective way to manage
(vs. cure) an active addiction is thru some version of the
well-known 12 steps and
principles
of Alcoholics Anonymous. More recently, addiction therapists
who adopt a family-systems
view of pathology add the goal of changing or ending the
addict's
toxic family relationships. These approaches usually
don't include
''parts work''
therapy with the addict and her or his toxic relationships
so far. This article outlines how to do so.
Premise -
codependence is caused by...
One or
more subselves causing the feelings and beliefs of
excessive shame - e.g.
Every person has a unique mix of subselves like these, whose
combined personality roles ("jobs") and beliefs can cause
relationship and other addictions.
Patient work to
change the attitudes and roles of these subselves can reduce
codependence over time. The rest of this article outlines a
general way to do this using parts work, or inner-family
therapy. To
understand this outline, read these
first.
Outline - Main
Steps
Adjust the following framework to suit your unique situation. Start by scanning these
FAQs about subselves,
and this overview of
"parts work." This framework assumes you have
assessed
honestly for false self wounds, and admit that you have
significant symptoms of
codependence.
Overall
- Work patiently
to empower your true Self to
guide other subselves in all situations. As part
of this work...
Introduce
each Inner Child to the
Nurturer
and other supportive subselves including your
Spiritual One;
Work
patiently with Shamed subselves to replace toxic old
beliefs with realistic
self-respect and
self-love,
and guard against any subselves feeling guilty for doing
so;
Build the
trust of each Guardian subself in the Nurturer's skill
and true-Self's leadership ability;
Help the
Abandoned Inner Child to understand and grieve real
early-childhood abandonments. If useful, use this
Re-doing
technique to promote closure and better outcomes;
Motivate
the Critic, Worrier, and Perfectionist subselves to stop shaming
and scaring the Inner Kids;
Convince
the Addict subself that s/he can trust the true Self and
Nurturer to protect the inner Kids, and then
find
a new inner-family role for her/him.
As the
Abandoned, Shamed, and Scared Inner Kids feel more
secure, convince the Pleaser that s/he can relax and
allow the Self to safely disagree with and assert limits
and consequences with other people;
Create and
teach all subselves a Personal Bill of Rights like
this one, and
train them to see that
your needs,
opinions, and beliefs are just as valid as anyone else's.
Learn
effective communication
skills,
and have your Self (capital "S") use them to (a)
identify
your primary relationship needs and boundaries,
and (b) assert them
effectively with everyone - special-ly people who shame,
guilt-trip,
and frighten your subselves.
Each of these steps needs to be coordinated by your true
Self, and may take weeks of patient effort. Some steps may
overlap, need repetition, and/or require outside
skilled help
to accomplish.
Signs of
Progress
Reducing relationship addiction is not as observable as
giving up drug dependence. Generally,
symptoms of true
(vs. pseudo)
recovery progress include an obvious reduction in
codependent behaviors and attitudes like
these.
Some changes to note include...
participating regularly in one or more
Codependents
Anonymous (CoDA) meetings for several months;
enjoying friendships with other people beside your
partner - even if s/he complains;
asserting
your own opinions, needs, and boundaries without
significant anxiety or guilt;
resuming
activities you enjoy even if your partner isn't
interested in them;
feeling
increasing comfort in letting your partner be
responsible for his/her own life, and no longer seeking
to "rescue" him or her from discomfort;
apologizing much less to your partner, without guilt or
anxiety;
feeling
comfortable not seeing or communicating with your
partner for periods;
setting
and enforcing behavioral limits with (confronting) your
partner without guilt or anxiety;
not
activating another addiction
to compensate for giving up codependence;
feeling
notably calmer, centered and less anxious, more often;
and...
resuming
genuine interest in your own life purpose -
even if it doesn't involve your partner.
The ultimate
sign of progress is deciding to end a codependent
relationship, and enjoying being alone for awhile, and/or
choosing a new partner who is often guided by her or his
true Self (is minimally wounded or is in active personal
wound-recovery).
Changes like these occur gradually over time. One helpful
way of noticing them is to keep a person-al log or
journal
of your feelings and activities
Recap
This is one of a
series
of articles on understanding and reducing false-self
(psychological) wounds. It provides perspective on the common condition of co-dependence
(relationship addiction), and an outline of options for
reducing it using "parts work." The article closes with
options for measuring your progress at this healing process.
Reducing codependence is part of the larger goal of
empowering your true Self to guide your personality in all
situations.
Resources - there are
now many
recovery groups and books on relationship addiction and
codependence. For a current selection, search any online
book-vendor's site. Tho no other published literature that I
know of proposes the cause and healing of codependence that
you just read, other points of view can still be helpful.
My book
on the ideas above is available by mail order.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
someone else?
The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/codep.htm
Perspective
Outline - Main
Steps
Next: 