Marital
"Love Problems,"
continued...
Options
Option:
print this article. Then as you read, asterisk or hilight
any of these choices that you have a strong reaction to.
Options: No matter what
surface and primary “love problems” you have, invest time
and patient effort in
and
Progress on each of
these is essential for any other option here to be effective. Give special
attention to the possibility that one or both of you are a
or
Often,
we GWCs pick each other
without knowing it.
If you may be a GWC, focus on (a) converting your
core shame ("low self esteem") to spontaneous
over time, and/or (b) building your inner
kids’ security.
is an effective way of doing this, with
skilled help. See the Lesson-1 guidebook “Who’s Really Running Your Life?”
(Xlibris.com, 2011 - 4th ed.)
Option:
check your attitude: if
you don’t honestly feel mutually respectful with your partner (“Your needs,
opinions, dignity, and worth are just as important to me as mine now.”),
your true Self is probably
. If your mate’s actions suggest that s/he
feels
with you, a false self is probably at work. See
Lesson 1.
Option:
if you have unfilled
love needs, identify them specifically.
Assume your initial answers are
surface needs. Because this is a complex, emotional topic, thoughtfully
read these articles on
clear
thinking
and
digging down.
If you avoid doing this and/or don’t
honestly feel “I am responsible for identifying and filling my primary needs,”
your Self is probably
Then help each other get clearer on what
your
are. Examples:
"You don't really love me" may stand
for "I don't feel lovable (worthy) internally, and I'm (unrealistically)
expecting you to (a) want to fix that, and (b) be able to do so."
"You say you love me, but your actions
don't match" can be a version of the above and/or "You're often ruled
by a false self, and your inner-family chaos blocks you from consistently
showing the love I know parts of you feel for me." Solution: do
together.
"You never want to spend time with me any
more (and I feel hurt, rejected, unloved, and insecure)" may point
toward unacknowledged problems with
anger,
and unrealistic expectations. It may also indicate your romance plumage
and masks are coming off, and reality is (painfully) emerging for you both.
Option: Try reading these
relationship premises out loud and discussing them with your partner when you’re not distracted. This will reground you both, unless a false
self is ruling one or both of you. Option: then read this "love" article out loud
and discuss it together. Work to identify “If either of us feels too
unloved, what do you or I really need? Which of the real
problems above seem true now?”
Option: if you haven’t recently,
fill out the
Lesson-4
self-assessment
worksheets.
Consider using an objective counselor’s input in evaluating your results, to
minimize reality distortions.
If one or both of you
have made a wrong
none of these options will correct
that.
on what you and any dependent
kids really need, survey
your options, and identify the next best thing to do. If you reject or
postpone this option, suspect that a false self is
running your life.
Option:
check for unrealistic relationship
expectations. It may be
that love is fading or being crowded out by hurt, resentment, and
frustration because one or both of you needs something that is unattainable
in your present situation. Mull and discuss questions like these:
Can love be demanded? Can
respect? Trust and honesty? Intimacy? (“Yes” is unrealistic!)
Are love, respect, and
trust deserved and owed as marital obligations, or are they earned over
time?
Do you expect me to make you feel safe in our relationship? Do I expect that of you?
For us, what's the relation between (a) feeling partner-love and
(b) expressing it? Maybe one of us expects
the other to show their love in a way they're uncomfortable with or unable
to do.
How can we recognize when our romantic
love has shifted into mature love? Is either of us expecting that romantic
love can come again, and may be making our partner responsible for making
that happen?
Do our individual needs for emotional
and physical closeness mesh or conflict (a
Which of
these relationship styles do you and I each prefer:
-
independent (both
comfortable with a lot of emotional distance),
-
interdependent (comfortable with
distance if necessary, but prefer flexible closeness), or...
-
(desperate for emotional closeness)?
Are we each clear on how to recognize and
values conflicts?
Does being committed (e.g. married) mean
we each must want to change ourselves to fill our partner's
Are we creating
Be spontaneous! paradoxes
(expecting, requesting, or
demanding things from each other that can only be given freely and
spontaneously - like love, trust, caring, interest, forgiveness, and respect).
Note the difference
between "I want to feel you love me." and "I want you to want
to love me!"
What if our respective needs for
feeling and expressing love are significantly different? What if they change
with experience and aging?
More "love" options....
Review each of
these
about mates to see if your love problem is really one or several common
relationship problems (unfilled primary needs).
If one or both of you feels too
disrespected, distrustful, unsafe, or angry, invest energy and time on
resolving those first. Then reappraise your “love” problem. Pay special
attention to this article.
Try a shared "fear safari."
Help each other discover half-buried excessive
(worries,
anxieties) that may be choking one or both of you from feeling, expressing,
and receiving Self and mutual love. Unrecovering
(GWCs) are often unaware of being fear-based, from life-long habit. Getting
free of that begins with awareness of it. Evolve a supportive
Fear Policy
in your _ relationship, _ home, and _ family ["Here’s how we want to deal
with fear in our lives"], and model and teach it to your kids.
Take a non-judgmental look at
your respective recent
priorities,
as judged by your actions and
where you each invest your waking time and energy. If one or both of you is
consistently putting "too much" time into parenting, work, home maintenance,
health, or something else, and too little time together (as judged by either of you), what does that mean about your
respective needs for "love" and intimacy? Use and discuss this
worksheet to grow your awareness.
Note that the subselves that control your respective
determine your current real
priorities.
Trying to force
or demand a basic priority change in one or both of you suggests
someone’s true Self (capital "S") is disabled. .
Read and discuss some of the many helpful
current books
about mutually-satisfying primary relationships together. (Option - read out
loud to each other). Become very familiar with your version of Lesson 4. If you
"don't have time," it means you value some things more highly than your
relationship.
Remind each other of the
difference between first-order (surface behavior) and second order (core
attitude)
Keep that difference in mind as you try out any of these
options. Second-order (lasting) changes require your true Selves to be steadily
guiding your
There are many other possibilities and
options! Sense the themes of these choices, and brainstorm for
others that fit for you two. Close your eyes, take several good
belly-breaths, and reflect on (a) why you’re reading this, and (b) what you’re
thinking and feeling now. Has anything shifted since you began reading?
We
just covered a group of options for exploring and reducing primary "love"
problems in a commit-ted relationship. If
you mates are currently dissatisfied with giving or receiving love, are you
motivated to discuss and try options like these?
Recap
This
Lesson-4 article offers perspectives and options
if one or both of you mates have unfilled needs for love for or from your
primary partner. The article covers:
-
a "love inventory"
-
perspective on how
self-love
develops - or doesn't,
-
summaries of probable
surface and
primary "love" problems, and...
-
a menu of
action options.
A key premise here is that
your “love” problems are probably
surface
symptoms of deeper unfilled needs. The implication is that to
solve your “love problems” you need to
them.
Another premise is that
spousal love is
proportional to self love. If one or both of you are a shame-based
(false-self controlled)
of a
childhood, then doing
can help grow self respect and love, and (perhaps) strengthen your marriage,
over time. It can also explore whether one or both of you
has difficulty forming genuine emotional-spiritual
and is
pretending intimacy and love.
A third premise is that
love
is a catch-all word describing a group of primal needs:
acceptance + respect + trust + companionship + spiritual communion +
validation + interest + mirroring (honest feed-back) + caring + comfort +
play + sensual and sexual stimulation and satisfaction.
An
implication is that helping each other fill selected deficits
among these may help fill your need for “love.” The other articles in this
offer perspective, options, and resources to help you do this
together.
| A final core premise is that your current
“love” (and other relationship) problems may be painful evidence that
inheriting the toxic effects of the [wounds + unawareness]
caused one or both of you to
commit to the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
If
so, none of these options can undo that. |
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident
or
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