The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/needs.htm
Updated
02-06-2015
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This
brief YouTube video provides background for this
worksheet. The video mentions eight self-improvement
lessons in this site. I've reduced that to seven.
This is one of a
seriesof articles in
self-improvement Lesson 4 - optimize your
relationships. This subseries focuses on improving
primary relationships.
This worksheet
provides a way for mates to assess how well their array
of relationship needs are being met - i.e. how satisfied they are.
This article
assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro
to this Web site and the
premises underlying
it
Needs are psychological, physical and spiritual
discomforts. Human relationships range from
satisfying to stressful, depending on how well each
partner's needs are met. Mates have a unique mix of
needs because their relationship is (usually) primary.
Psychological
and legal divorce occurs because one or both mates'
needs are not filled well enough - partly because they don't know
how to
problem-solve as teammates.
In my experience as a veteran therapist, most couples
aren't aware of their relationship needs unless they're
dissatisfied. If mates grew up in a
low-nurturance family, they may be used to their needs
going unmet.
If mates feel dissatisfied with their relationship,
that's usually a sign that one or both inherited
psychological
wounds and
ignorance from their ancestors.
Few troubled mates realize this or know what to do about
it - e.g. study, discuss, and apply these
lessons.
Seen all at once, the scope of
typical partnership (marital) needs is daunting -
specially if mates aren't working at consciously filling
them together. Two requisites for this "work" are
awareness and
knowledge. This worksheet and Web site exists to
provide the latter.
If you want to evaluate your primary-relationship
satisfaction here, take stock: On a scale of `1 to 10,
how satisfied are you with your relationship recently? __ ?
Directions
Check to see if your
true Self is
guiding you. If a false self is in charge,
it may skew your answers to this worksheet.
Choose an undistracted time and place to use this worksheet. Print it, and
give yourself at least 30" to reflect on the items. If you think of other
relevant needs to those below, add them.
For each need, rank-order how
satisfied you are currently: "1" = very unsatisfied, and "5" - "very
satisfied." Notice how you feel about each need, and about them all.
Options:
star or hilight needs you feel are specially
important.. Notice any AHA's you may have a you do this, and note any
you want to discuss with your partner or someone else.
print another copy, and use it to estimate
how your partner would rank her or his current need-satisfaction with
you. Then show this to him or her and discuss it. Ask your mate to do
this too - and remember your needs the next time you hit any
relationship "speed bumps."
fill out and discuss this worksheet every
anniversary to evaluate the health of your relationship.
use this worksheet to identify which unmet
needs promoted your breaking up with a former mate. This may help you
understand and grieve your losses, and find forgiveness.
Many of these needs
apply to any relationship. Edit and use this worksheet to
evaluate your relationship satisfaction with a relative, friend,
coworker, teacher, older child, etc.
Partnership-needs Inventory
"In our relationship, I need
to steadily feel...
1) genuinely and consistently
loved by you
1 2 3 4 5
2) special -
i.e.preferred by you
among all your other relationships and priorities except your
own wholistic health and integrity.
1 2 3 4 5
3) needed
_ emotionally and _ physically
by you, but not over-needed
(codependence);
1 2 3 4 5
4) respected and appreciated
by you as a unique adult person, a fe/male, a mate, a sexual partner, a home
co-manager, a co-parent, and a citizen/neighbor. And I need to
feel...
1 2 3 4 5
5) liked and
enjoyedby you often enough, and...
1 2 3 4 5
6) heard
empathically (vs. agreed with), by
you frequently; and I need to feel that ..
1 2 3 4 5
7) I can trust
_ you with my
deepest current dreams, fears, shames, doubts, and joys; and that _ you'll
tell me the truth, no matter what; and...
1 2 3 4 5
8) companioned
by you, in an interesting, stimulating variety of social and
other experiences;
and I need to feel...
1 2 3 4 5
9) understood empathically and
accepted by
you,
with all my limitations, needs,
wounds, fears, hopes,
and dreams;
and I need to feel...
11) supported by you
when I'm exhausted,
discouraged, scared, or overwhelmed, and I need to feel...
1 2 3 4 5
12)
separate enough from you,
so I can have my own friends, activities, and goals and keep my own
identity as an
individual; and I need to feel...
1 2 3 4 5
13)
confident that _ you'll
want to fill these needs no matter what we encounter, and that _
you'll want to
problem-solve our
difficulties as a true partner; and...
1 2 3 4 5
14)
that I'll be able to tell you honestly if my needs aren't met well
enough, and then we can problem-solve together as teammates; And I
need...
1 2 3 4 5
15)
you to sacrifice some of your own needs and
preferences without resentment when our needs or values don't
match; and I (may) need...
1 2 3 4 5
16) to
share the joys, sacrifices, and
sorrows of conceiving and/or raising kids together.
1 2 3 4 5
17)
1 2 3 4 5
18)
1 2 3 4 5
Can you think of other needs typical committed
mates try to fill in their relationship? How many partners do you think
could name the needs they seek to fill with each other? If you
can't name and assert your current needs, how can you problem-solve?
Now take stock again: on a scale of `1 to 10, how satisfied are you with
your relationship __ ? How does your answer compare with the one you gave
before viewing this inventory?
Pause and reflect - jot a few descriptive words to summarize what you're
thinking and feeling now.
The joy and excitement of discovering and wooing "the perfect mate"
inevitably deepens into a calmer, richer form of love, or it degrades into increasing dissatisfaction and frustration.
Change is
certain, because each mate's knowledge, tolerances, priorities, and
bodies shift, and their social and physical environments constantly evolve.
This implies that...
each
mate must ceaselessly adapt
to inner and outer changes. If they can't, the relationship erodes;
their relationship needs are dynamic, and require steady attention over
time; and...
the magical combination of courtship
discoveries
and delights will never return.
Does this match your experience?
Do
you mates have an effective way of
identifying and
satisfying
your relationship needs? If
not, are you working toward that together?
Can you accept that each of you
is needy without feeling weak, inferior, guilty, dysfunctional,
or dependent?
Did
your parents talk together about their needs
when you were little? Did they intentionally help each other fill them?
What were you partners each taught about being "needy"?
Recap
Needs are discomforts. The quality of any relationship depends on how
well each partner fills a set of needs in the other partner. This Lesson-4
worksheet provides a way for mates to assess how well their relationship
needs are being met.
If you're interested in
forging a successful remarriage with or without prior kids,
read this.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
The
Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/needs.htm
Perspective