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Q15)
What mistakes do typical partners make before
deciding to form or join a stepfamily?
Common errors (uninformed decisions) include...
Assuming that these five major
don't apply to you, your kids, and ex
mate/s; and/or that these 16
are
"for other people."
Assuming that "re/marriage is
essentially the same as first marriage, so there's nothing I need to
learn."
is one of five
major reasons millions of U.S. stepfamily couples
re/divorce.
See this quiz and self-improvement
Another common error is...
Assuming that co-parenting and
relationships in a new stepfamily are "not much different than in a(n
intact)
biofamily." They differ greatly in
children's needs, family
norms and
environments,
relationship
family-adjustment
tasks, and
developmental stages!
Excluding kids'
other bioparents (ex mates) from full stepfamily
Their genes, needs, opinions, legal rights, finances, ancestry, actions, and values
will affect your lives for decades, including nurturing any grandchildren.
Not learning stepfamily
basics
and
realities vs.
these 60 common
myths, and/or
not taking the
of these realities seriously.
Other
common co-parent mistakes in courtship are...
Not
telling your child/ren or ex mate/s you're seriously considering
re/marriage until the last minute. They need time to learn,
grieve, process, and adjust!
Not bothering to learn or respect (a) potential stepkids'
developmental and
special
adjustment needs, and
(b)
your
related need to patiently build a
to help
those needs (to
nurture).
Allowing
+
+
+
+ psychological
to persuade you to
commit to the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
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Q16)
What are the best
sources of stepfamily education for
courting co-parents?
This Website exists because in researching since 1979, I've found no
comprehensive source of valid, practical stepfamily information.
My guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship
- How to make three right
decisions
(Xlibris.com, 2003) is the only
available book based on 28 years' professional research and these five common stepfamily
and seven safeguard
The sequel,
Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily
(Xlibris.com, 2003), is for post-courtship readers. There are many other books
about stepparenting and stepfamilies. I've read over 40 of them. Each has its own merits,
and usually
misses the
co-parents need to be
See
this
for suggestions on evaluating stepfamily advice, and
this for suggestions on selecting
useful stepfamily books and articles.
For perspective, see this,
this, and
this.
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Q17) How long after
divorce should co-parents wait to
re/marry?
One of three core reasons
millions U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail legally or psychologically is that
one
or both mates were
and
vowed "I do"
Most
new
follow one or both partners'
divorces.
All adults and kids in
families need time to
(a)
their many
(broken bonds) which
usually takes at least several years after adult-couple separation.
Use this
checklist to expand your awareness
about family recovery from separation and legal divorce/s.
Courting couples also
need enough time to (b) get to know each other and related kids and adults, and
to (c) learn what they're getting into by progressing at these
together.
I urge you suitors to not commit
until at least 18 months has passed after the most recent
divorce or mate death. Longer is safer. See
this for more detail.
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Q18)
How soon should I
tell my child/ren I'm serious about
committing to a new partner?
Dating after divorce or mate-death
will cause your minor and grown kids (and ex mate and key relatives) major
questions.
They'll need to know about
potential
that will affect them. Seriously considering re/marriage
and/or cohabiting causes major
and
for custodial and visiting kids and key others.
It also offers potential
benefits!
I recommend informing your kids clearly as soon as you (a) start dating and
(b) seriously considering co-habiting and/or re/marriage.
At any age, they need time to...
-
explore how they feel about these new people and
your potential stepfamily
lifestyle;
-
evolve and ask key
questions;
-
test some key things,
like "Will
I become less important to you? Have less time with you? Be abandoned - again?");
and...
-
start
significant losses
(broken bonds) to prepare for new attachments.
Hiding your dating
and/or potential
re/marriage from your kids (and anyone else) is a sure sign of
and is a glaring
courtship
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Q19)
Is there a
best way to conduct
stepfamily courtship?
Yes! By
partners each (a) acknowledging they're part of a
(b)
committing to work patiently together at these vital
before exchanging vows, and (c)
heeding
these Q&A answers about
stepfamilies.
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Q20) How can I tell if
I'm ready to commit to a stepfamily?
You can be reasonably sure if...
-
you're
confident that your
(capital "S") has often
your other
for well over a
year; and you have...
-
read and discussed
self-improvement
together
thoroughly, and...
-
filled out
and discussed all the
worksheets in
Lesson 7 honestly, and you...
-
feel
stable, clear, and sure of making
three right decisions
; and...
-
you honestly feel that none of
these
apply to you all; and...
-
your excellent partner has done
all these things too.
Gain extra assurance on the last three
criteria by working on this study
course with your partner for
several months.
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Q21) Why are
typical U.S. stepfamilies at higher risk of psychological or legal divorce
than
average biofamilies (first marriages)?
Many stepfamily authors and commentators estimate American
(legal) re/divorce rates to be
60% to 70%, though I can find no census data to support
this. After
36 years' professional study, I believe
these
five hazards
explain why typical stepfamilies experience significant
which may promote
eventual legal or psychological
re/divorce
despite mates' prior experience,
and
determination.
-
significant psychological
in one or both mates
-
ignorances and unawareness
of
-
of prior life losses (broken bonds)
-
making up t5o three unwise
commitment
and...
-
little
help with thee stressors locally or in the media.
For average mates, statistics are less important than
clear
of stepfamily
realities and their
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Q22)
How can we tell if we need courtship counseling, and how can we pick an effective stepfamily counselor?
Typical multi-home
differ from
"traditional" (intact) biofamilies in over
60 ways.
Millions of disillusioned, exhausted American couples eventually
legally and/or
psychologically. Because
there is a lot to learn and evaluate before deciding if and when to
re/wed, I recommend that no matter how
every
couple seriously thinking about forming or joining a stepfamily...
-
get
informed
pre-remarital
,
-
invest time and energy taking and discussing
these worksheets, and then...
-
get an informed
professional opinion on the feasibility of their re/marriage.
"Informed" means "thoroughly
knowledgeable of these
or equivalent. See
these questions and answers on counseling, this
article, and
this unique self-improvement
course.
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Q24) How heavily should I
weigh my child/ran's opinions in deciding on stepfamily commitments?
Bio(logical) parents
thinking of forming or joining a stepfamily do well to...
keep your personal
rights,
and short and long term
clear;
inform your kids honestly and
promptly if you date a new partner seriously;
educate yourself on these three
inevitable stepfamily stressors and
decide how you mates should handle them;
assess
your minor kids' status on filling their
developmental and
family-adjustment
needs;
respectfully to their
questions and reactions, and respond factually and clearly; and...
do not let their opinions
or needs determine
you should re/marry
or
to commit to.
If...
-
you're sure your
has been
your
-
you've
found your soulmate, and...
-
you've put in months of honest work at
these self-improvement
with your
partner,
do let your kids' feelings,
needs,
and opinions
help you to decide
to commit.
My clinical experience and other researchers suggest that
bioparents who consistently put their kids' needs
and welfare
their primary relationship (other than emergencies) are at the highest risk of
eventual re/divorce.
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Q25) Are there any
helpful guides for planning our wedding and honeymoon?
Stepfamily
weddings and honeymoons are
much more emotionally,
logistically, and financially complex than first nuptials. They need more
planning, discussion, negotiation, and
with more people.
Six resources
to help you all make the best short and long-range decisions are...
If you know any stepfamily mates, ask about their wedding experiences and
any tips.
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Q26) I love the person I'm
dating, and I'm not crazy about one (or more) of
their kids. Is that
likely to improve if we
live together?
If
you
dislike, disrespect, or distrust one or more potential stepkids,
or you sense they don't like or feel comfortable with you, those feelings will shrink
over time or they won't. Because there are so many variables, I know of no
reliable way to predict which will happen, or when.
For more perspective, use this
right-stepchild evaluation worksheet.
Option - identify who is "not crazy" about your potential
stepchild - your
or some other personality
If the latter, that's a bigger potential stressor than making friends with
your partner's child. See this
series of Lesson-1
articles on "parts work" for options. Also,
get clear on who your
partner will support if you have a conflict with his or her child. If s/he
favors the child,
Typical minor stepkids need to...
Kids who haven't filled these and other
family-adjustment needs can often seem
hostile or indifferent to a new stepparent
and/or to potential stepsiblings or relatives. Time, patience, stepfamily awareness,
and shared experiences may
or may not reduce or convert these to
genuine acceptance and friendship (vs.
love).
Potential stepkids often feel stressed by - and cause - major
and relationship
When these force choices, most
minor and adult children will side with a bioparent vs. a potential or legal
stepparent, despite the latter being warm, friendly, trustworthy, and
empathic. Logic, shoulds, and
musts are of little use here.
Another problem you may experience is that one or more potential stepkids (a) are
painful reminders that...
-
you'll never be your partner's first love, and that
-
you
must accept your partner's ongoing co-parenting relationship with his or her
ex mate/s and prior kids.
You may resent your partner giving
more priority to a biochild than to you "too often."
If so,
you may dislike what
your stepchild stands for, not the child.
You may also have "bad chemistry" - i.e. one-way or mutual
dislike. This may mute with time,
shared experiences, learning and accepting stepfamily realities, and grieving progress. Stepkids' "other
bioparent" and key relatives' acceptances and attitudes are usually major
factors.
See these stepparent-stepchild
for more perspective and options.
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Q27) My partner and I
disagree on trying to conceive one or more
("ours") kids. How concerned should I be about this?
You two have a
complex
which will probably
not
change if you commit to
each other. One or both of you will
have to compromise, vs. the popular alternative of denying or minimizing this
primal
conflict. This may eventually become a major relationship and stepfamily stressor.
Options:
-
ensure your
are
your
respective
-
read
and honestly discuss
this article for more
perspective on evolving an effective way to manage inevitable values
conflicts;
-
choose a long-range
perspective. and a
mutual-respect
attitude; Then...
-
use
and
to illuminate your
and long-term
as
teammates; and...
-
work at forming realistic stepfamily
(vs. biofamily)
expectations in making your
conception or adoption decisions.
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Q28) Other people tell us
we'll be forming a
stepfamily if we
re/marry, but my partner and/or I don't see it that way. Who's right?
If either of you partners is the single parent of a minor or grown
biological or adopted child, you
are a psychological (vs.
legal)
The challenge
here is for you to unearth the
you're reluctant to accept that
and what it
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Q29) I feel my partner and I
ought to wait and learn more about what we're getting into, and
s/he's pushing to re/marry soon.
What should we do?
You have important
and
(priority)
conflicts. I suspect your real
discomforts spring from whether you both...
-
are
by your
respective
recently, and...
-
are
your respective
and
and
whether you each...
-
genuinely value your and your
partner's needs and priorities
and...
-
are helping each other use
win-win
as co-equal partners, vs. opponents.
For
more perspective, read and discuss (a) this summary of five common
stepfamily hazards, (b) these courtship
(c) this
overview, and (d) this
right-time worksheet.
Consider investing in my unique,
practical guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2003), which integrates key
articles in this Web site.
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Q30) My partner is
(and/or I am)
uncomfortable admitting
prior marriages and/or divorces. Is that normal and OK?
The "discomfort" is real - and is a
symptom of the primary problem. The uncomfortable partner probably
has significant psychological
-
specially
excessive
Often divorce-related embarrassment comes from feeling that - no
matter how justified - ending your marriage is a personal failure, and other
people and/or God will scorn and reject you for breaking your vows.
Unfinished or
of divorce-related
(broken bonds) may compound this.
These clues indicate that a well-meaning false self is probably controlling
at least the "uncomfortable" one, or maybe
Unrecovering
tend to automatically choose each other as partners repeatedly, despite
painful outcomes. Use this
to make an initial assessment.
Options:
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Q31)
After all they've been
through, I feel strongly my children
should come first if we re/marry. My partner seems ambivalent or opposed
to that. What should we do?
RED LIGHT!.
Two
common surface reasons for stepfamily
re/divorce are...
-
the stepparent losing hope
s/he'll ever feel
primary with
their mate, and feeling increasingly hurt, resentful, frustrated,
regretful (what have I done?), and despair; and/or...
-
the bioparent wearying of the anxiety,
guilt, and resentment of
having to choose
between their kids' needs, their new partner's needs, their own
and
sometimes pleasing
Stepfamily
are inevitable
and stressful, and will
force bioparents to demonstrate (vs. declare) their true relationship
Read and discuss this challenging long-term
solution.
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Q32) My partner
isn't interested in learning
about stepfamilies. Should I insist?
No. Insisting, whining, pleading, and/or nagging will create a
toxic "be spontaneous!"
which will probably
increase your problems. A better solution
is to...
-
check to see if your
is
your
If not, work patiently at
and
delay any courtship decisions.
Otherwise...
-
learn and apply these
yourself,
-
learn to use respectful
assertions with your partner (e.g. "When you show no interest in
learning about stepfamilies, I feel _____, and I need _____.");
-
assess whether your partner (a) understands
what a stepfamily
is, and
(b) accepts that by co-committing to each other, you'll form (or join) a
normal stepfamily.
If your partner balks or evades these,
it's likely s/he is controlled
by a
If so - and s/he is unwilling to
for psychological wounds - ask yourself why you want to commit to a
and his/her relatives. Avoiding this question or rationalizing it may
indicate
and underlying wounds and
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Q33)
Is re/marriage with
a childless partner more stressful than with a single parent?
Maybe, depending on many
factors. A stepparent who is also a bioparent can usually empathize with
his/her partner about child-related issues better than a stepparent who has
never conceived or nurtured a child. This can be an asset in managing
complex
On the other hand, when both mates are bioparents and stepparents (a
"blended" stepfamily), there are more kids, ex mates, and relatives to
juggle, more complicated visitation logistics, and more chances for
role,
and loyalty conflicts and relationship
All of these can combine to significantly stress mate's primary relationship.
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Q34) Overall, what are the
main suggestions to help us make wise
stepfamily-commitment decisions?
U.S. re/divorce estimates imply that
millions of U.S. stepfamily
couples commit to the wrong
for the wrong
at the
wrong
After
36 years'
professional research
on why, I propose that these
provide the answer.
If so, the best way to make three
is
to...
-
make
sure each of you is governed by your wise true Self (Lesson 1); and
-
accept that you're considering forming
or joining a
and that these hazards
will apply to you, your relatives, and your descendents. Then...
-
patiently study, discuss, and apply
before you swap vows!
Options: Read and discuss the
unique guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2003)
together. Whether you exchange vows or not, each of you working on
for inherited psychological
and
them); and
(build effective communication
will significantly improve your and your kids' lives.
If
you're a single parent, note that these recommendations will apply to you
and anyone you date seriously...
The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/dating.htm
Courtship
Questions
