The Web address of this three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/qa/divorce.htm
Q23) How does divorce affect a typical biofamily's developmental phases?
Like all living things, every family system moves through identifiable developmental phases as its members age, procreate, and die. Psychological and legal divorce add several phases to the normal bio-family sequence:
adapting to significant partnership and family conflicts;
stabilizing altered rules, roles (family responsibilities), rituals, routines, alliances, loyalties, priorities, boundaries, and identities after one partner moves out;
adjusting to possible mediation, reconciliation, and readjustment, or to a complex set of stressful legal, financial, social and possibly religious divorce events over months or years;
adults and kids grieving a related set of abstract and physical losses (broken bonds) over some years, and possibly...
adjusting to one or both ex mates dating again and forming or joining a stepfamily. Then for some...
merging three or more biofamilies over many years, and stabilizing new stepfamily roles, rules, rituals, routines, identity, boundaries, names, assets and debts, and co-parenting goals, styles, values, and strategies. Some multi-generational stepfamilies then must...
go through another version of these extra family-development phases each time a stepfamily couple re/divorces. Then all family members are older, and the family system, structure, and social environment differ from the first cycle - so adjustment may be easier or harder than the first time.
Each family member's personal developmental path may be hindered by these extra family-development phases - specially in low-nurturance systems. The degree of adjustment-stress from these extra phases (low > high) will affect how the family reacts to these four or five common stressors.
For a summary comparison of typical biofamily and stepfamily developmental phases, see this.
Q24) Do extra-marital affairs mean (at least psychological) divorce is inevitable?
That depends on many factors, including whether both mates are genuinely (vs. dutifully) motivated to...
identify what marital needs were not being met well enough
admit their part in not filling these needs, and forgive themselves and each other
honestly assess for psychological wounds, and commit to healing any they find
honestly assess if either or both made unwise commitment choices
honestly assess for an active addiction
see the affair as a chance to learn and heal
Q25) How can concerned relatives and friends best support divorcing adults and kids?
Let's broadly define support as "anything that helps one or more people reduce some current personal or group stressor." There are many things that can do that, like...
sincere empathy, affirmation, and encouragement
respectful listening, without trying to "fix" the speaker
cooperatively defining the problem and brainstorming solutions
relevant new information and ideas (education and consulting)
appropriate physical touching - e.g. nonsexual hugs
respectful, unbiased mediation between conflicted people
constructive confrontations (vs. enabling or avoiding)
recommending relevant resource people, programs, and materials
maintaining clear boundaries - not taking responsibility for someone else's problems
volunteering time and energy without self-neglect
focusing on problems vs. blaming or criticizing people
reframing problems (suggesting a different point of view) - e.g. glass half-full vs. half-empty
encouraging win-win problem-solving vs. fighting, arguing, or avoiding
acknowledging personal and group strengths
being realistic, vs. cynical, pessimistic, or idealistic
encouraging others to provide these supports
(add your ideas...)
"Support" means (a) "respectfully helping people identify and fill primary needs (reduce current and chronic discomforts), and (b) filling your own needs effectively as you do." So effective divorce support starts by...
keeping your true Self in charge of your personality,
accepting the difference between surface and primary needs, and then...
objectively identifying the specific current primary needs of each adult and child affected by the divorce process and your own needs.
A major initial support is to ask each such person "What do you need now?" and "What are your options for filling these needs now?" Then listen empathically without trying to "fix" or reassure the per-son. And effective support includes...
helping each able person to keep their self-respect by filling their own needs, and not taking responsibility for doing so (rescuing them). Restated - the most caring divorce support may be to compassionately "help by not helping."
A related support is to help each adult and child who wants help to do effective problems-solving - i.e. to review and evaluate all options for filling each significant divorce-adjustment need, and encourage the person to use these wise guidelines and appropriate human and spiritual help in accepting or filling each major need. This is illustrated by the ancient parable of helping a starving person learn how to fish, vs. giving them a fish.
A vital way to support divorcing-family members is caring, wise encouragement to (a) learn healthy-grieving basics, and (b) form and help each other use an effective grieving policy. This includes helping family adults...
put their true Selves in charge,
assess for incomplete or blocked grief, and...
learn how to patiently free that up together.
Q26) How can troubled primary partners select effective professional relationship mediation?
Some troubled stepfamily couples seek professional mediation on their own. Others are ordered to do so by a well-meaning family-court judge who often lacks appropriate education.
Premise: an effective mediator respectfully assists mates who have trouble filling key relationship needs to...
accurately and impartially assess relationship strengths and key stressors (unfilled needs);
suggest practical education and options for filling these needs more effectively, or...
after a thoro assessment, the mediator confronts the couple with reasons they cannot fill their needs with mediation, and/or makes an informed referral to other relevant support.
Professional relationship-mediators range from wounded, unaware, and ineffective to wholistically-healthy, well informed and aware, and very effective. How can couples evaluate this expensive type of help? Useful criteria: can the mediator...
demonstrate that his or her true Self is consistently guiding her nor his personality subselves?
describe and model all seven effective-communication skills, and describe these common com-munication blocks and how to avoid or resolve them?
if appropriate, can s/he...
affirm that s/he received professional training in stepfamily basics, hazards, realities, and these topics; and...
offer practical stepfamily and re/marital advice, and...
understand and accept these alternatives to divorce?
And does s/he...
see psychological and legal divorce as a family stressor, not just a relationship ("marital") stressor?
does s/he have healthy attitudes about key concepts?
If the candidate lacks too many of these requisites (a subjective opinion), look elsewhere, no matter what her or his credentials! If a judge or someone else referred you to this mediator, tell that person of these criteria.
Q27) What are traits of an effective community or online divorce-recovery support group?
Effective implies that a support group fills the main support needs of each participant well enough. So to rate divorce-support groups, divorcing men and women need to...
discern their unmet primary needs clearly, and then...
evaluate how well a prospective group may help to fill these needs.
For perspective, read this article about effective (high-nurturance) support groups, these general ideas about support, and these suggestions about divorce support.
Q28) Why are stepfamily mates at special risk of re/divorce? (The "/" notes that it may be a stepparent's first divorce).Because compared to typical intact biofamilies, there are usually...
more (step)family members and relationships, and more complex, unfamiliar (step)family roles,
up to 30 concurrent, alien, biofamily-merger tasks, and...
higher odds of incomplete grief, and...
more simultaneous values, loyalty, family- identity, and family- membership conflicts, and associated relationship triangles, and...
more psychologically- wounded and unaware adults and kids, and...
less effective social support available for kids and adults.
Typical stepfamily couples and supporters (a) aren't expecting or prepared for these related stressors, (b) don't know how to problem-solve effectively, and (c) often become overwhelmed and hopeless over some years of struggle and frustration.
These factors are summarized in this divorce-prevention Web site as five common hazards. The site proposes 8 self-improvement Lessons to help typical adults avoid and manage the hazards.
Q29) How can courting partners with prior minor or adult kids minimize the odds of eventual re/divorce? Why and how should they select effective pre-re/marital counseling?
This non-profit Web site proposes that...
typical co-parents who date after someone's divorce are unaware, wounded survivors of low-nurturance childhoods, and...
they unconsciously risk making up to three unwise re/commitment choices that promote eventual re/divorce. (The "/" notes it may be a stepparent's first union.)
Premise: courting partners with kids can best make three wise commitment decisions by patiently helping each other progress at these Lessons before deciding. One way of assessing their progress is by thoughtfully filling out these right-people, right reasons, right-time, and divorce recovery worksheets.
Another protection is to invest in the unique guidebook Stepfamily Courtship, by Peter Gerlach, MSW; Xlibris.com, 2002 - and use it.
A third protection is using effective pre-re/marital counseling. For perspective and options on choosing effective stepfamily counseling, study and discuss...
this article,
this experience-based opinion about evaluating stepfamily advice, and...
these Q&A items.
Q30) What does redivorce usually indicate about the partners and their families?
A second or third divorce for one or both partners is strong evidence that both are significantly wounded (ruled by a false self) and are not yet in effective personal wound-recovery. Such Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) are apt to deny, minimize, intellectualize, rationalize, or ignore these implications until the person hits true bottom. This often occurs in mid-life - and may never occur.
Redivorce also implies that the person survived a low-nurturance childhood environment, and her or his parents, grandparents, and their ancestors probably did too. If the person has biological kids, they have probably inherited some version of the psychological wounds also, and are at risk of these six conse-quences unless they get qualified professional help.
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