Q&A about marriage, Continued from
p. 1
Q16)
My partner seems listless, apathetic, and sad all the time, and isn't
snapping out of it. I'm getting worried s/he is clinically
depressed. What
can I do?
True
depression
is a neuro-chemical condition that lowers kids' and
adults' energy, motivation, and ability to enjoy life. If prolonged or
acute, these symptoms cause secondary personal and relationship
problems. Many people aren't aware that
of normal
three-level
are easily mistaken
for depression.
Typical
and
adults and
kids, including close relatives, have major sets of
(broken bonds) to mourn,
and often came from, or live in,
settings.
If you're concerned your mate is
"depressed," study and discuss
this article for perspective and many choices.
top
+ + +
The answers below pertain to stepfamily re/marriages. (The "/" notes that it
may be a stepparent's first union). If you're
not interested in that, scan this menu for other
relationship topics.
Q&A About Stepfamily Re/marriage
Q17)
Is stepfamily re/marriage
different
than a first marriage?
No and yes.
All marriages exist to fill basic
However, the environment
around stepfamily mates differs from typical
first marriages in at least six interactive ways:
-
one or both partners usually has
painful life experience and many
(broken bonds) to mourn from prior
or mate death; and...
-
courtship
environments
and phases are different, and...
-
adult
adjustment-tasks are different,
after committed cohabiting, and...
-
family
structures are different
in up to 35 ways; and
there are more...
-
concurrent, alien conflicts over family
+
+
+ assets and debts +
+
relationship
+
childcare +
names + family
(responsibilities); and...
-
stepfamily social status is
different - i.e. abnormal
("stepfamilies are non-traditional..."),
second-rate ("...and
somehow inferior"), and have far fewer
social
supports).
|
This nets out to:
typical
stepfamily re/marriages have more concurrent
and a less stable and supportive environment than average first marriages.
The "/" in
re/marriage notes it may be a stepparent's first union. |
Many stepfamily authors and sociologists propose that recent U.S.
re/marriages fail more often than first unions.
Your best protection starts in
courtship by heeding these danger signs
and making three informed
The
next best protection is studying and discussing this online
together.
top
Q18)
What do typical mates need to know about stepfamily re/marriage?
To evolve and maintain a long-term, mutually-satisfying re/marriage, I propose that
typical couples need to learn - ideally
starting in courtship
- that
these
will probably destroy their
love and
commitment and
their kids
unless
each partner wants to commit to steady,
effort hel-ping each other learn,
tailor, and work at these
To gauge whether you need to work at them, take and discuss these
top
Q19)
Why do millions
of American stepfamily
re/marriages fail legally or
psychologically?
After
32 years' professional research and my own stepfamily experience, I believe
many (most?) U.S. stepfamily couples
call divorce attorneys or endure psychological divorce for a mix of five
reasons:
-
significant psychological
in one or both mates;
-
(lack of knowledge) of key topics,
-
incomplete
in one or more stepfamily members, including kids and ex mates;
-
choosing the
to commit to, for the wrong
at the wrong
and...
-
little
effective help
available when stresses accumulate.
This divorce-prevention Website and related
guidebooks exist to explain and
illustrate these hazards and
that can neutralize
them. The key to benefitting from these Lessons is mates helping each other patiently
their
to harmonize and lead their team of
top
Q20) What can we partners
do to succeed
long term?
Commit together to patiently studying and applying
in
this non-profit Web site - specially Lesson 1 (free your true Self) and
Lesson 2 (learn to communicate effectively). Ideally,
start studying
before exchanging vows and tokens. Encourage all your
family adults - specially ex mates and grandparents, to study with you.
top
Q21)
Is there a
best way to resolve
stepfamily-re/marriage problems?
Yes! All personal and
relationship "problems" are combinations of unmet needs
(discomforts). The best way to handle stepfamily (or any social) problems is to...
and keep your
in
of your
(Lesson 1);
adopt and keep
a genuine mutual-respect
attitude, and...
use your
to follow your version of
this general problem-solving
and....
help each other tailor and use these
options for analyzing and
resolving most role and relationship
problems.
Popular alternatives to this are
allowing your
to fight, blame,
argue, defer, ignore, pre-tend, intellectualize, preach, threaten,
hint, numb out, debate, explain, manipulate, give up or in, inter-rogate, whine,
run away, and/or collapse.
See your favorites here?
top
Q22)
My mate and I disagree on whether
we're a stepfamily or not. Should I/we
be concerned about this?
YES! If any of your family adults ignore or minimize
your
and/or what that identity
that puts your
adults and kids at high risk of...
-
using unrealistic biofamily
expectations in
negotiating your
stepfamily
and relationships, and...
-
ignoring vital
biofamily-
adjustment tasks
- i.e. trivializing or ignoring
These can increasingly burden
your primary relationship. If you're
unsure whether your family adults and kids accept
your step-identity, read and discuss this
overview.
top
Q23)
My partner
complains I'm
too attentive to my ex mate (my kids' other bioparent). I disagree, and
feel misunderstood and judged unfairly. What are my options?
See these articles for perspective and solution:
top
Q24)
My partner ignores
me when my stepkids visit, and I'm turning into
someone I don't like. When I say how I feel, my mate denies s/he's ignoring
me, and/or says I'm oversensitive, or "Grow
up," or we fight or avoid each other. What can I do?
Often feeling ignored
or discounted (disrespected) by your
mate when your stepkids are present suggests one or
more of these primary problems:
You've married someone who (so far)
can't genuinely give your re/marriage (i.e. your
enough
vs. your stepkids.
If so, your primary need is for your mate to...
If s/he can't or won't,
you've probably re/married the
and need to grieve (ac-cept)
that and evaluate your best long-term
options; and/or...
Your mate's priorities are
significantly shaped by
and s/he doesn't know how to reduce
these yet. If this is true, the real problem is probably unseen
false-self
and
and/or...
Your mate and/or
stepchild/ren haven't
grieved their major losses from prior divorce or death well enough, so they're not
able to
genuinely include
you yet. If they're ruled by
they may be stuck in their grieving and not know that, or
what to do about it. See
and/or...
You haven't...
-
declared and validated
your personal rights,
-
to identify your
primary needs;
-
your
primary
effectively to your partner
yet, and/or...
-
you have, but s/he's not
hearing you (Q7);
and/or...
-
you haven't accepted the ex mate as a
full, legitimate
of your stepfamily; and/or...
One or both of you mates are ignoring or dismissing your
or you accept it, but don't know what this
identity
to you and
your kids. These promote unrealistic priorities and
expectations, like
"In an
impasse, stepparents shouldn't expect their mate to value their
re/marriage over their kids." (Reality: believing this promotes
re/divorce, long term.);
and/or...
One or both of you are heeding
harmful advice ("The kids
should come first on typical visits,
and the stepparent should accept that.") from a misinformed friend or
"expert;" and/or...
You mates
haven't evolved an effective strategy for resolving stepfamily
and
relationship
yet; and/or...
One or more
stepkids are instinctively forcing your mate to choose between you and them
to ease normal anxieties about (a) losing status in the family and/or (b) parental abandon-ment
(insecurity). This is specially likely if they have had a
childhood.
Bottom line - you have a
right to
feel noticed and important (respected), vs. invisible, and your mate and stepkids do
too. Your mate must accept
that to avoid probable psychological or legal re/divorce...
-
s/he will
have to choose
between you and the kids over and over again. This is normal and inevitable in
typical stepfamilies - no one is wrong or bad;
-
long term, your relationship must come
second only to your wholistic health and integrities;.
-
you mates
must forge an effective loyalty-conflict
strategy as co-equal
partners - ideally starting in courtship.
top
Q25)
My partner and I can't agree on
(a)
conceiving a child together, or (b) legally adopting a stepchild. What are our
options?
This sounds like a dispute over several important surface issues
(conceive or not, adopt or not). If so,
your first option is to
whether you each are
a
or not.
If not, make
your true Selves your highest priority after your respective
Next, use
empathic
and
skills to reveal what your and your partner's
are in this family context. Then see if you can negotiate
those rather than the surface is-sues.
Your third option is to discuss your respective specific life
and see if you agree on them. If you disagree,
work to evolve and apply an
effective strategy for resolving major
- as team-mates, vs. opponents.
Fourth, read and discuss this article about
conceiving an "ours" child,
and/or this one about adop-ting
a stepchild. See if they add new perspective and options.
Finally, your disputes may come from the
you're trying to resolve your differences - i.e. whether you're
or
Read
and discuss
this.
If these options don't solve your impasse,
consider using
top
Q27)
My
partner wants a child to
move in with us full time. I'm scared this could wreck our marriage, but
s/he disagrees. What can we do?
Prepare: a minor or grown stepchild coming to live with you will not
significantly stress your primary relationship if you each...
-
are steadily guided by your true Selves or
are working to free them;
-
have studied and discussed Lessons 1 thru 7
here, and can "pass" these quizzes;
-
are clear on your personal priorities -
wholistic health and integrity first, your relationship second, and all
else third (except in emergencies);
-
are practiced at analyzing and resolving
role and relationship problems as partners;
-
have an effective joint strategy for
avoiding or managing these three stressors;
-
understand the special needs of typical
stepkids, and are willing to help fill them;
top
Q28)
I'm getting really fed up with my
mate allowing disrespect
from an ex mate, child, or relative. How
can I get my partner to get some backbone, set some boundaries, and honor my needs?
The probable primary issues are that you're losing respect for your
partner, and you haven't found a way to change that so far. You both have
many options:
-
If you have partnered with a
(wounded) person...
-
review and discuss
this article on respect
with your mate;
-
learn how to give effective
feedback and "I-messages,"
-
learn how to dismantle divisive relationship
-
apply this article on setting
effective boundaries; and...
-
use these ageless
top
Q29)
My partner calls me
by his/her former partner's name, and says "I can't help it." What can I do?
One or more of these are probably true:
Your mate (a) is ruled by a
and doesn't know it, or
(b) isn't willing to
for it
and/or (c) commit to
from it; and/or...
You probably don't yet know
how to help each other...
-
maintain a two-person
-
below typical surface problems to the
"beneath," and...
-
agree on who's responsible for
filling these
needs; and/or...
Your mate hasn't completed
essential
of prior-relationship
and/or (some subselves) still feel
strong love and
desire for their ex mate. If true, one
implication is you both probably made up to three
from false-self neediness, and shared key ignorances and
and/or...
You (a) are
ruled by a
and don't
admit it; and you aren't yet clear on (b) your per-sonal
rights,
(c) your current
and how to
them and
your
effectively via these communication
|
Bottom line: if your
"name problem" significantly hurts, angers, and frustrates you and
doesn't fade away after re/wedding, your mate is probably not "the problem"
- you both are. Adopt a long-term outlook and the open mind of a student.
Then commit to helping each other
your
true Selves
in
charge, and to patiently progress on
together.
|
top
Q30)
When should we consider
re/marital
counseling, and how can we pick an effective coun-selor?
Note the difference between stepfamily education (information),
counseling (information and advice), and (step)family therapy
(assessing and reducing psychological wounds, etc.) From 30 years as a
step-family therapist, I believe all re/marrying co-parents need
stepfamily
early in their courtship.
If committed stepfamily mates have discussed and tried these
options and are still significantly
dissatisfied in their relationship; they should seek
family-system (vs. marital)
counseling or therapy. For guidelines on selecting competent
professional help, see this and
this.
top
Q32)
I worry that a relative or friend
who's about to re/marry is making a mistake. What can I do?
Read this article
on giving
respectful
feedback. Then urge the person to read
the informative guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship or these articles:
If the person ignores or discounts this
education, s/he may be controlled by a
If so, review these
options, follow these wise
and
let go. If s/he
does read these articles, suggest that s/he and her/his partner study
together
before committing.
