Three relationship stressors,
continued...
The REAL Problems
Page 1 describes three surface (secondary) relationship stressors. My experience suggests they
all of them are promoted by these primary issues...
-
one or more people being psychologically
wounded and ruled by a
protective false self; and...
-
personal and social unawareness and
ignorance - specially of psychological
wounds and effective communication skills;
and...
-
little informed local or media help.
Let's look at each of these briefly...
1) Psychological
Wounds
My clinical experience with over 1,000 typical therapy clients is that
normal people develop
composed of semi-independent
The traits and dynamics of these well-meaning subselves blend to determine
the host
person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in any situation.
Common social behaviors suggest that these
subselves often
with each other, just like people. Common evidence includes "inner debates;"
self-doubts; feeling "torn," ambivalent, and confused; "changing my
mind," and "seeing all sides" of an issue. Have you
experienced these?
|
Because our troubled society currently needs to
deny the pervasive [wounds + unawareness]
and
normal personality subselves, average adults and most
human-service professionals don't (want to) see how subselves constantly promote their personal,
family, work, and social discomforts. |
A universal sign of normal
personality
subselves
is often experiencing internal values and loyalty conflicts and
Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer
triangles.
For example, a well-intentioned
(the Persecutor) can scathingly blame the
(Victim) for failing
to protect one or more vulnerable
and a
subself (like the
or
can try to "rescue" the Self by deflecting the criticism, rationalizing,
and/or providing short-term comfort via compulsive activity, and/or
ingesting comfort-chemicals like sugar and fat.
Ideally, courting co-parents like Mark and Sue will become
of
their internal and mutual stressors, and help each other resolve them as partners,
not opponents. The moral is:
acknowledge and resolve inner conflicts and triangles
before tackling your
home and family stressors.
For more perspective on personality subselves and
reducing psychological
wounds, review this
example of
subselves affecting a real remarriage and stepfamily (after finishing this)
and study
in this Web site..
If you're skeptical about normal people (like you) often being
governed by a
of narrow-minded, protective subselves, read this
letter and then try this safe,
interesting exercise after you finish
reading here.
Besides psychological wounds, typical values and loyalty conflicts and related triangles are also caused
by...
2) Unawareness and
Ignorance (Lack of Knowledge)
Our blessed American freedom of choice, and our ceaseless warp-speed media
programming, have a major price tag. Most
people are so busy and
over-stimulated that they (you?) rarely choose to become aware of
and
them.
Our inherited Protestant work ethic and
pioneer drive to survive, prosper, and be busy don't promote valuing
personal awareness as, say, ancient Oriental and Native American cultures do.
A vital implication is that few average Western adults (like you?) and
kids want to slow down, breathe, and become aware of what's happening
inside them in the ceaseless hubbub of daily life. Do you agree?
Would your parents agree?
To identify and reduce these three relationship stressors, people must want to be
aware of (a) their rich dynamic mix of present and habitual thoughts,
feelings, senses, and needs and (b) what causes them. They also need to
learn and adapt to widespread lay and professional
ignorance (lack of accurate knowledge) about these vital
And
if persons or couples are motivated to seek help with these internal and mutual stressors, they're apt to discover a...
3) Lack of Informed Local
and Media Help
This is so because (I suspect) few human-service schools or agencies
currently integrate the
in this Web site into their curriculums and programs so far. One way to
validate this premise is to ask any human-service professional you know if they
were trained in each of these topics. Before you do, you need to know
what each topic means. Do you yet?
Another way to validate the premise is to search the Web on each topic (e.g.
"personality subselves," "false self," "fuzzy thinking,"
"incomplete grief," "healthy relationships;" "high-nurturance families,"
"effective parenting," and "stepfamily myths
and realities," and see what you find.
Another option is to ask the teachers in your kids' school/s if students are
taught when and how to use the seven effective-communication
outlined
in this Web site. Compare their answer with how your childhood teachers
would have replied...
+ + +
Back away from these details now and recall why you're reading this. The
simplified example above of the three stressors is based on my clinical work with hundreds of real-life courting, cohabiting,
and married couples like Sue and Mark and the members of their family.
I estimate that under 5% of my ~1,000 clients and students could define each stressor, how they relate to each other, what causes them, and what to do about
them.
I suspect you've never seen the ideas in this article before, individually
or together. Get an initial sense of how your subselves are reacting to the
ideas by getting undistracted, and thoughtfully taking this...
Status Check
Reflect on each of these
items honestly: T = "true," F = "false, and "?" =
"I'm not sure." Don't answer "True" unless you agree with each part of the item
without ambivalence. Option - read each item out loud before
answering.
1)
I (a) accept the reality of
normal personality subselves, and (b) I can clearly describe the
difference between my true Self
and a false self to an average
teenager. (T
F ?) If you answer "F," then study Lesson 1 -
specially if you're caring for someone's minor kids.
2)
I'm sure my true Self is
my
right now.
(T F ?) If not, expect
convincing, distorted answers here.
3)
I can now clearly describe...
-
(a) each of the three stressors summarized
in this article, and (b) how they relate to each other;
-
their typical (a) personal and (b) family
effects,
-
each of the stressors' three root causes, and...
-
an effective strategy to manage each of
the stressors. (T F ?)
4)
I'm steadily motivated now to follow the links in this article with an
open mind, so I can learn our family's options for avoiding,
identifying and managing each of these three stressors effectively. (T
F ?)
5) My mate and ex-mate (if any)
and the other adults in my current family
are clearly (a) guided by their true Selves most of the time, and (b)
are each genuinely open to learning about these three stressors, their
effects, what causes them, and what to do about them together. (T
F ?)
6) I fully
accept that in non-emergencies, when viable compromises can't be found
mates need to want to rank their
above their
non-emergency needs to protect all family
members and descendents long-term against possible divorce
trauma. (T F ?)
7)
I am genuinely (vs.
dutifully) motivated to learn and use the effective-communication basics and
skills
outlined in
of this non-profit Web site and its related
guidebook. (T F ?)
Since effective thinking and communication are the most potent tools you
have to fill your daily interpersonal needs, answering "F" or "?" to this
suggests you're controlled by a well-meaning false self.
8) If
I'm in a courting or committed stepfamily - or may be - I'm genuinely
motivated now to do self-improvement
and to discuss the
content honestly with important others in my life. (T F ?)
Recap
This article outlines three inner-personal and social stressors that may be
significantly affecting your relationships -
values
and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. It defines and
illustrates each of these surface stressors with a courting couple based on
hundreds of real-life families. The article then proposes three core
problems causing these stressors:
-
psychological wounds in one or more
adults, plus...
-
personal unawareness of how to communicate effectively, plus...
-
a lack of informed help locally and in the
media.
The article links to articles which propose practical options for
avoiding and reducing each surface stressor.
Lessons 1 and 2 show how to master
the first two core stressors above.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
Prior page /
Lesson-4 links
