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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a
stepfamily.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
The
article assumes you're familiar with...
What's the Problem?
About
90% of U.S. stepfamilies are founded by a divorced (vs. widowed) parent
choosing a new partner. For various reasons, the noncustodial bioparent
can withdraw from regular - or any - contact with their child/ren.
Months or years later, s/he can reappear by phone or in person,
with or without notice.
The custodial adults and kids are then confronted by
many simultaneous changes, as the bioparent asks or
to be
in child visitations
and family decisions and functions. The emotional, logistic, role, relationship, and financial
changes this causes throughout the whole
can be
significant - specially if they're unexpected.
If
this is happening in your stepfamily now (or it may), how can you co-parents
manage such changes and minimize role and relationship conflicts?
This
article hilights common "ex-mate re-inclusion" problems, and explores your
options in coping with them.
Perspective
One factor that affects your family's
nurturance level is how
effectively your adults plan for and manage major changes - like births,
deaths, geographic moves, adoptions, retirements - and parental separation and
divorce.
Some years ago, family-wellness expert John Bradshaw showed TV viewers how members of a
are connected like parts of a
When he moved one part of the mobile, all the other parts began to gyrate,
and then gradually resumed their stable balance.
The
relationships that connect the members of your multi-generational stepfamily have many
facets - emotions, needs,
expectations,
memories, legal responsibilities, ancestral and social customs, and genes. One of the strongest
facets is (usually) the primal
between parents and
their children.
The stresses leading to separation and
divorce upset the balance of most multi-generational
biofamilies. Emotions flare and surge for years, as all
affected adults and kids struggle to accept their
adjust to new
realities, and resume personal and relationship stability and
growth.
Some separated biofamilies must adapt to a non-custodial parent
choosing to have little or no contact with their biokids. Many factors affect what causes this "disinterest,"
and how well
and how fast other family members adapt to it.
Minor American kids of divorce usually stay with their biomom, and
their dad leaves. An exception is when a mother or the law feels she can't provide adequate child care - e.g. if she's
addicted to something,
physically or mentally handicapped, impoverished, and/or is
abusive and/or
(psychologically wounded).
This article focuses on situations where one parent
(often the father) leaves, is relatively uninvolved with his or her kids, and then reappears
later to resume an active caregiving role. The parent may reappear alone or with a new
partner and (step)kids. S/He may appear while geographically distant (by
phone or email), or after moving to live nearby.
If several years have passed since separation, the custodial-family
system may have stabilized after many changes from parental separation and
divorce. For majorly-disturbed biofamilies, stabilizing may take well over a
decade - or may never happen.
|
Absent-parent families go through another complex rebalancing cycle if the
custodial parent chooses a new partner. After re/committing, it can take four or
more years
for everyone to evolve and stabilize up to up to 30 stepfamily
and
scores of new
|
Though your family situation is unique, knowing some universal
themes to this "reappearing bioparent" situation can help
your co-parents stay emotionally balanced and nurturing enough while
your stepfamily re/stabilizes.
Common
Surface Problems
If an inactive noncustodial bioparent
reappears, the general task for co-parents is to manage change effectively. That means...
-
keeping your long
term personal and
goals and
clear, and...
-
focusing on filling your and your kids'
well enough while...
-
adapting to your new
realities (changes)."
Adapting means adjusting and
stabilizing the identity, membership,
and
of your
multi-generational family to fit
everyone's primary short and long-term needs together. No small task!
In accomplishing this, your kids need you co-parents to...
Identify any significant
to co-parental
teamwork, and commit to reducing them for everyone's benefit;
Each
adult (including relatives) reaffirm their personal and family goals and priorities, so you know where you want
to end up together; and...
Adjust everyone's roles (who's responsible for what in our family)
and rules
(how do we each do our roles) to a stable-enough balance,
and resolve inevitable
and
conflicts and
relationship
as you do; and...
Adults help each other and each child...
-
free and continue any
grief for prior losses,
-
your many new
(broken bonds), and...
-
clarify and accept your revised
family
attitudes,
and resources;
and...
Seek and use competent
as you work on all
these complex tasks together and the environment ceaselessly changes around
you.
Can you think of other major tasks co-parents and kids confront when an
inactive bioparent reappears - with or without a new partner and stepkids?
|
An
essential first step with these five tasks is you mates accepting your shared responsibility for mastering them. Alternatives
are to expect the legal system, your own parents, your kids, your church, or
"somebody" to master them.
|
Some adults may ignore or deny these tasks.
Then everyone, including your kids, must sort out their feelings and needs and
fill them on their own. This detached, passive attitude is typical of
significantly-
co-parents and
homes and families.
Once you mates say "OK, we are in charge of completing these five
change-management projects," what are your best choices? Use the following menu to see what you've already
done and what needs further effort.
Options
Acknowledge together that - whether you want to or not, each of your
kids and caregivers will have to change some important things before
you all restabilize. Often, change means lose. Stressful alternatives are to deny,
minimize, or intellectualize this.
Even
if it seems unlikely now, help each other
view your situation as an
opportunity for long-term healing and good, rather than as short term
conflict, threat, and upset. Your losses open the door to nourishing new bonds and
beginnings!
|
The best way your co-parents can optimize this situation long-term is by
yourselves for false-self
and taking
appropriate action. The more each of your
co-parents are consistently guided by
your
the more
successful you'll be at managing these changes over
time.
If you don't do this
together, the rest of these suggestions won't be very effective.
|
Reconsider
whether all you co-parents now solidly accept your
as a normal stepfamily, and understand clearly what that
One meaning is that
the co-parent who just "re-activated" and
all people genetically and legally related to him or her are legitimate
of your nuclear and extended stepfamilies.
One inexorable implication of that is that
the returning bioparent has a
legitimate right to seek full acceptance by all your
adults and kids. If one or more of your family members are ambivalent
or opposed to this inclusion, you will experience escalating waves of
loyalty, priority, and membership conflicts and relationship triangles - which will lower your
stepfamily's nurturance level.
To qualify for family inclusion, part of this bioparent's responsibility is to
honestly admit their past behaviors - including emotional and perhaps financial withdrawal from their kids.
Your option is to understand
why they did that and the results of it, rather
than judge them as "irresponsible" or "uncaring."
Another basic move you adults can make as your "new"
co-parent re-emerges
is to refresh
what you know about
personal conflict effectively. If you're not
clear on this, you have a great opportunity to learn more!
Some keys:
Conflicts are
normal and inevitable. They invite growth, and occur
and interpersonally when two or more
clash.
Help each other to separate your
innerpersonal and
interpersonal conflicts (need-clashes) and intentionally resolve your internal
disputes first.
Acknowledge that
you act to resolve your conflicts is just as important as the solutions
you try. Help each other become fluent with these seven
Lesson-2
and communication
to help
resolve any family disputes effectively. And...
Help each other remember that
it's
normal to have many concurrent conflicts in and between you
people and your homes. So stability will return faster if you all sort
them out and agree to focus on one conflict at a time.
Study, discuss, and apply the
learnings in co-parent
- and invite your new co-parent and their partner to join you if
they're ready to.
All
you co-parents refresh yourselves on
- promoting healthy
Expect each of your adults and kids re-experiencing
old divorce-related losses, and experiencing new losses
from changes caused by the returning bioparent. Making time to discuss and
clarify
your household and stepfamily
about "good grief" will lower family stress in the long run.
of low childhood
nurturance often have trouble grieving well, and don't know that. Chronic or
situational "depression" and "perpetual anger" can
indicate
That usually signals serious
psychological
wounds. Once acknowledged, they can be reduced!
A final change-management choice you can make is to...
Review your stepfamily
and these
wise
If appropriate, give copies to your
new co-parent and discuss them.
Premise - each of your adults and kids has equal human rights and
unique responsibilities in your stepfamily. Do you agree? Fully accepting this premise can help your
adults keep the vital mutual-respect attitude that's essential for
genuine forgiveness
and lasting conflict resolution.
Recap
For
various reasons, one divorced parent can stop regular (or any) contact with
their biokids and ex mate. Later, they may reappear and ask or demand to
resume active parenting and family inclusion.
This usually causes significant changes and losses in the family system.
This article offers perspective on this family dynamic and specific ways
your adults can help each other manage these changes effectively to regain
stability in and between your homes.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
Keep studying Lesson 7!
Prior page /
Lesson-7 links
