The Web
address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/danger.htm
This articleis for single parents and partners who are
considering co-commitment. If you and
your beloved have no prior kids, go here.
Clicking links below will open a new window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site.
This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on howtoevolve a
high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents in a
divorcing
biofamily, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
This YouTube clip previews key parts of this article:
This worksheet assumes you're familiar
with...
the
intro to this nonprofit
Web site and the premises
underlying it
Millions of average U.S. stepfamily
couples re/divorce psychologically or legally despite their
ma-turity, love, and
earnest commitment vows. Few (none?) of them know about these widespread
hazards
or expect to re/divorce. self-improvement Lessons 1-7
here can help loved-dazed couples choose the right
people
to commit to, for the right
reasons,
at the right
time.
From
32 years clinical study, this
worksheet summarizes 21
common danger signs that cour-ting couples with prior kids should heed
to avoid making unwise commitment choices, major stepfamily stress, and probable
re/divorce trauma.
Choose an undistracted place and time and an open mind to get the most from
this checklist. Then see if your
true Self is
guiding your
personality
now. If not, a well-meaning "false self" may distort your responses. I suggest each mate fill out this worksheet separately to avoid
biasing each other. Then com-pare and discuss your results. As you do this,
notice your emotions - they're reliable pointers to what you
need.
Stepfamily-courtship Danger Signs
The more of these 21 things that seem true about you and/or your partner,
the more likely you'll make up to three unwise courtship commitment
choices. Each danger sign suggests one or
both of you may be psychologically wounded and unaware.
Circle "me," "you," or "both of us" if a sign applies. No circles
means "this danger sign doesn't apply to either of us."
1) You and/or your partner have not used Lesson 1 to honestly
assess
for psychological
wounds,
or
you're
denying or ignoring
your findings. Unawareness
+ unrecognized or denied wounds are the two main causes of the U.S. divorce
epidemic.
(Me / you / both of us)
2) You, your partner, and/or an ex mate have many of
these behavioral traits.
(Me / you / both of us)
3)
Either mate or an ex-mate having many of these
traits in their family tree. These
traits often indicate psychologically-wounded, unaware ancestors who
unintentionally
passed these on
to their de-scendents. (Me / you / both of us)
4) Either mate cannot
"pass" this quiz on stepfamily
knowledge. Unawareness is one five epidemic re/marital hazards. (Me / you / both of us)
5) Persistent thoughts like "Don’t
commit / to these people / now!" If you often have thoughts like
these and/or significant relationship doubts or worries when you let
your mind get quiet, something is wrong.If
you ignore such thoughts or avoid quiet meditations (a sign of false-self
dominance), you risk
years of significant future personal and stepfamily stress.
(Me / you / both of us)
Option:
get quietand invite
your inner voice to tell you specifically why it’s warning you. Try
journal-ing
about these
warnings
without editing for logic or "common sense."
Pay attention to your hunches,
in-tuitions, "senses" and inner voices - your
devoted subselves are trying to tell you something!
6)Feeling urgency or desperation to commit and/or
cohabit, and/or obsessing about them.
A re-lated warning symptom is believing "I can’t live or be happy without
you!" Such intense feelings and needs are a bright red light.They may be symptoms of
psychological wounds
and related
codepen-dence
(relationship
addiction).
(Me / you / both of us)
Danger sign 7) Seriously
discussing wedding within (roughly) 18 months since you met
or since any prior marital separation. Stop
and explore - perhaps with
qualified
professional help - which of your personality subselves is giving you this urgency.
Expect to find needy
inner kids
and their dedicated
Guardian
subselves. (Me / you /
both of us)
For more perspective and long-term safety, do at least
this right-reasons
work-sheet!
8)
If you or your
partner say or think "My kids come first with me,"STOP all re/marriage
dis-cussions! (Me / you / both of
us)
The biggest
surface
reason for our tragic U.S. re/divorce
epidemic is bitter, disillusioned stepparents saying "I got too
tired of coming in second (or fifth) with my mate and feeling this wouldn't
change."
If you doubt that...
re/married bioparents mustoften choose between their new mate and their biokids (or ex mate, or
relatives), and that...
reality-check these ideas with several
co-parents who have been re/married at least five years,
and dis-cuss this article with
your partner.
9)
Partners are reluctant to study and discuss these online Lessons. A related danger sign is
rejecting or minimizing your
stepfamily
identity
and/or discounting or ignoring what it
means. If either of you repeatedly avoids working at
Lessons 1-7 your relationship is probably
based more on false-self
neediness, fears, unawareness,
and
reality distortion
than wholistic love.
(Me / you / both of
us)
More warning signs of unwise stepfamily-courtship decisions...
10)
Ongoing ex-mate
hostility and/or conflicts with themover
divorce settlements,
parenting ag-reements,
and/or child visitations, custody, and financial support. If a stepchild's
other bioparent is often angry, combative, uncooperative, dishonest,
disrespectful, explosive, or secretive, s/he's probably
wounded and unaware - not bad.
(Me / you / both of
us)
Your children's living or dead
"other parent/s" will be full
psychological members
of your
multi-home stepfamily
until they or your children die. Accept the truth of stepfamily
author Joy Connolly's book: "I Married a Family."
My clinical experience since 1981 suggests that chronic conflict between
divorcing bioparents - including
legal battles - comes from some mix of these
relationship barriers. Do not expect that if you or they re/marry, the "other parent"
will become more rational and cooperative!
11) Courting partners have not honestly discussed
whether each wants to conceive children together or not. Childless
stepparents may assume their mate will want to have one or more babies with
them only to find out after re/marriage that isn't true. (Me / you / both of
us)
12)
Expecting that your partner, a child, a parent, an ex mate, or a relative will
change significant-ly-unpleasant traits "somehow" after you re/marry
and/or cohabit. (Me / you / both of
us)
They probably won’t,
no matter how loving, patient, pious, and
reasonable you are. If they’re not going to change, do you still want you
and any dependent kids to commit "’til death us do part"?
Danger 13)
One or both mates and/or kids have experienced many recent major life changes or traumas (e.g.
in the last 4-6 months).
Examples: firings or new jobs; changing homes, schools, or
churches; separations and/or
divorce/s;
sudden financial losses or gains; deaths or major health impairments;
pregnancies and births; gradua-tions or flunk-outs; legal suits or judgments;
natural disasters; bankruptcy; home break-ins or muggings; rape or murder;
and sudden family-membership-shifts; …(Me / you /
both of us)
Events like these may cause disorienting losses (broken
emotional/spiritual bonds) which require time, support, and solitude to
grieve
well. When many losses occur in a short time, their immediate and secondary
impacts can distort adults’ and kids’ thinking, and hinder forming new bonds
- specially if they are
wounded
and
unaware.
This seems to be the current U.S. norm.
Reacting
to recent major personal and family changes and losses is not a good
time
to make courtship commitments! Invest in your future by taking
many months to sort everything out, grieve well,
(Lesson 3) and rebalance your
lives first. Help each other keep a long-range view!
Another courtship danger sign in either mate or an ex mate, child, or
parent; is...
14) Suspected
or certain past or present
addiction/s
to...
substances (including sugar, fats, carbohydrates, nicotine, caffeine, and prescription
or street drugs);
activities, including work, sex, shopping, gambling, cleaning, exercising, Web-surfing,
and social causes;
moods, like rage,
arousal, or
excitement ("drama"); and/or...
If you or your partner believe
anyone in your stepfamily-to-be is or was addicted, yellow light.Addic-tions are clear signs of majorinner pain,
childhood
neglect
and trauma, and psychologically-wounded ancestors. Hitting personal
bottom
and a demonstrated commitment to a
12-step addiction-control pro-gram are essential first steps in
effectiveaddiction
management. See this for more
perspective.
Danger 15) Chronically
ill, depressed, and/or "acting-out"
children. (Me / you / both of
us)
Do you and/or
your beloved partner have one or more minor or adult children with traits
like these?.
serious academic or social school problems, including few or no friends,
or preferring "toxic" or troubled (wounded) friends;
Repeated trouble with truancy, gangs, cults, and/or the law;
Non-experimental drug use, or clear chemical dependence, including fats
and sugars;
Suspected or clinically-diagnosed
ADD/HD
syndrome (attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder); "Asperger's
Syndrome," and/or a
"learning disability";
Self-mutilation
and/or writing or talking about suicide;
Preoccupation with fantasy, death, violence, sex, and/or the occult;
and/or…
Chronic
depression
and/or sleep, digestive, or eating problems like anorexia, bulimia, and
obesity?
These are often high-alert symptoms of prior
nurturance deprivation
and significantly-wounded
par-ents
and kids. Ongoing or escalating symptoms like these are courtshipred
lights.Stop any plans to form or join a stepfamily until you find the
real causes for these symptoms, and the
person/s make clear progress towards reducing them. Stepfamily
stresses will probably make things
worse.
Danger 16)
A series of
prior break-ups (including divorces), approach-avoid
relationships, or
no
prior intimate adult relationships. (Me / you / both of
us). The answer to these
is
education + commit-ment to wound-
reduction (
Lesson 1),not stepfamily commitments!
17)
Keeping
major
secrets.
If
you, your partner,
and/or any prospective
co-parenting partners often need to
distort
or withhold key truths ("lying by omission"),
defer any re/wedding plans!
(Me / you / both of
us)
18) Either partner had past or present romantic or sexualaffairs. (Me / you / both of
us)
19)
Repeated delays or
avoidances.
If you or your partner
consistently avoid serious, intimate discussions and conflicts on any
topic in this worksheet,
red light! Such
avoiders - and people who "al-ways want to have fun!" or "focus on the
bright side!" -
fear
and/or
distrust
something or someone. Their ruling subselves are likely to
deny
that these dominate your relationship’s growth and evolution.
Some classic
avoidances (i.e. denials) to watch for...
"Stepparenting is basically
no different than bioparenting."
"This [wounds + unawareness] cycle is no threat to us and our kids.
"We can and should
handle our own problems (vs. using
qualified outside help)"
"A family’s just a family. Stepfamilies
aren’t
all that different. Our life experience as
grown adults, spouses and veteran parents is enough!" I / we do not need to study
what’s normal and
real
in a stepfamily now"
"We’ve all courted /
lived together for ___ months without
big problems, so eventual re/divorce? Not
us!"
"There’s no point in learning
about psychological wounds.
That’s just psycho-babble and a waste of
time. The past is done, over, finito - don’t you get it?";
(Flashing red light!)
These common stepfamily misconceptions
promote unrealistic (biofamily) expectations, conflict, and potential
re/divorce. For more myths (and realities), see
this article after you finish here.
20) Couples saying "We never fight!" This may signal that they
are avoiding inevitable disagree-ments, and don't know how to problem-solve
effectively a teammates. (Me / you / both of
us)
A
last common stepfamily-courtship warning sign is...
21) Choosing to cohabit before - or instead of -
formal marriage. This can mean reluctance to really commit
- which is often a sign of psychological wounds like distrust and fear. For perspective, see this summary of a 2005
research report
suggesting that unmarried families break up more often than mar-ried ones.
Pause and notice what you're feeling and thinking.
Recap
After
31 years' clinical
research with over 1,000 average divorcing and stepfamily adults, I
pro-pose that these 21 traits reliably predict serious stepfamily
relationshipstress.
The more of these traits that apply to a courting couple, the higher the odds of
major future stress, heartache, and loss.
Needy, unaware,
wounded
partners
in the bliss of new romantic love will often
deny, minimize, or rationalize
(distort) these warning signs. In America, over half of them eventually
re/divorce psychologi-cally or legally.
Minor kids depend on their courting
bioparent to heed these warnings! For their sakes and yours,
work hard together over
many months doing these self-improvement
Lessons before
committing you and your kids!
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not - what
do you need? Who is answering these questions -
your Self, or
''someone else''?
The Web
address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/danger.htm
Background