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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on howtoevolve a
high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
This article exists because most people
seeking to learn about stepfamilies don't
know how to tell accurate information and practical advice from inaccurate,
impractical, and harmful counsel.
Based on 32
years' professional stepfamily research and clinical experience with over
1,000 average stepfamily adults,this article offers...
guidelines for choosing
qualified sources of stepfamily information, and...
examples of common
misinformation and impractical or harmful advice.
It assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this non profit
Web site, and the premises
underlying it
Average multi-home
stepfamilies are far more complex and stressful than
typical intact biofamilies. Sociologists estimate that over half of
typical American stepfamily unions fail legally or psychologically.
Stepfamily adults and their lay and professional supporters have a
high need for accurate information about how to form and maintain a
stable, high-nurturance stepfamily.
In this context, "relevant, useful" information is any that helps adults
fill their and their kids' many needs. Impractical, superficial, misleading, incomplete,
and toxic information and advice hinders adults from
filling their and their kids' needs or amplifies them.
I've studied
divorcing families and stepfamilies
professionally for
32 years.
During those years I've had thousands of hours of direct
clinical contact with over 1,000 typical American stepfamily adults and
some of their minor and grown kids.
From this,
I observe that perhaps 90% or more of printed, online, and verbal stepfamily "advice" is impractical
(not do-able), superficial, misleading, incomplete,
and/or apt to create problems..
The tragedy is, typical co-parents and most human-service professionals
don't know how to judge stepfamily information. That includes not knowing how to select an
effective stepfamily coach, mentor, or counselor.
The Problem With Stepfamily
Research
Common sense suggests the most credible information and advice
are from formal "stepfamily research." For
my Master's degree (MSW) thesis, I spent two years analyzing scores of books,
journals,
and formal
stepfamily research studies in accredited professional journals like The
Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (JMFT) and Family Relations. These included
studies of studies, which summarized formal research trends and findings.
What I learned from this (and since then) is :
there are over 100 variables that
affect biofamily
structure
and dynamics - for example, adults' ages; prior marital and
parenting history; race; ethnic background; education and income levels;
number, gender, and ages of living children; geographic location; urban
vs. rural environments; religious
preference/s, family cohesion (bonding and loyalty), problem-solving
styles, and years married or cohabiting.
typical stepfamily
systems have
many more
people, relationships, roles, and variables
than intact biofamily systems. This makes designing replicatable
stepfamily research inherently difficult. And...
Classic research design is based on previously-validated criteria. This means that newly-emerging
(unvalidated) criteria get less weight in designing family research and
in evaluating the findings.
For example,
most psychological and psychiatric research prior to the 1950s did not
factor in the major influence of a "disturbed
person's" childhood or current family dynamics in making "mental health"
diagnoses and treatment prescriptions. Now researchers and clinicians
who reject family-systems and communication theories are in the
minority.
Another example: until the 1980s, mental-health workers were taught to assess and treat
addictions and "mental illness"
separately. The explosion of public and clinical awareness of adult
children of alcoholics (ACoA) since the
1980s has begun shifting that
premise - and related family research - toward seeing these conditions
as interrelated symptoms of family dysfunction.
The point:most stepfamily research to date has
not considered the interaction and impact of five key stressors:
psychological
wounds that
occur in average adults from growing up in a
low-nurturance
("dysfunctional") childhood; and...
lay and professional adults'
ignorance of
the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle and its
lethal
effects;
effective communication and problem-solving
skills;
bonding, losses, and healthy three-level
grief;
healthy relationship and effective-parenting
skills;
the effects of incomplete grief in typical
dysfunctional-family members;
These three factors combine to promote most
couples making...
unwise commitment and child-conception decisions.
And when
they encounter inevitable personal and family problems, average adults...
find little effective help locally or in
the media on these four hazards and what to do about them;
In my judgment as a veteran
engineer, stepfamily researcher, educator, and therapist,
the above ideas imply that all
stepfamily research to date should be questioned and reevaluated.
Without in-depth learning about how these five stressors affect each other
and typical stepfamilies, most lay and professional "experts" will
disagree.
Bottom line: while "stepfamily research" is probably more credible
than personal opinions, it does not necessarily provide accurate, practical
guidance for typical stepfamilies and their supporters.
Who Should You Believe?
Stepfamily adults and supporters need reliable, useful information
and advice. They usually lack the
experience and training to discern practical advice from superficial,
impractical, or inaccurate counsel. What are they (you) to do? I sug-gest the
following guidelines. From most to least credible, believe...
1) advisors and authors with...
advanced degrees
(below) who...
have
studied each of the five stressors above, and
who...
acknowledge
the vital
difference between surface
and primary problems:
have some years of professional experience working clinically with
a wide range of...
Members
of the nonprofit NSRC (National Stepfamily Resource Center)
Experts Council are good examples of such highly-qualified
advisors.
If
you can't find someone with these qualifications (which is likely), then trust...
2) advisors who (a) have an advanced human-service degree like
these:
psychiatrist (MD)
licensed marriage and family
therapist (LMFT)
certified family life educator (CFLE)
clinical psychologist (MS, PsyD,
PhD)
clinical or psychiatric social
worker (LCSW, MSW, DSW, ACSW),
licensed professional counselor
(LPC)
and (b) who lack significant clinical and/or
personal stepfamily experience.
Next,
trust...
3) advisors with
training and expertise in general human-service fields like divorce mediation, law enforcement,
family-life education, family finances, child-development, or family
casework, butwho lack the
criteria above and/or training or experience in (a) stepfamily research,
and (b) all these
topics;
Be
skeptical of...
4) advisors without
the criteria above who rely heavily on "Biblical
or Christian principles" and/or "stepfamily interviews" without
formal study of (a) stepfamily
research, and (b) all these
topics;
and be wary of heeding...
5) "successful stepfamily couples" or
veteran stepparents who use personal experience as their
authority ("If we can make it work,
so can you!"); and...
...be
very skeptical of...
6) advisors with no
(a) professional training
or (b) no marital or parenting experience who (c) have informally surveyed
some number of stepfamily members (d) with or without referring
to formal stepfamily research - e.g. a journalist or human-interest
reporter.
Overall: be cautious about
accepting stepfamily advice from anyone who (a) lacks the boxed credentials above, and who (b) implies or claims authority and
credibility from any of these...
promoting or keynoting family-related seminars;
publishing materials
about family-related subjects, including stepfamilies, stepparenting,
stepkids, and divorce;
appearing on radio or TV
talk shows and/or in national print media;
being endorsed by Ph.D.
"experts." or who claim to have "studied stepfamily research"
but who lack the boxed criteria above;
having an unspecified "advanced" (e.g. Ph.D.)
degree, or being an ordained minister, pastor, preacher, or rabbi;
have glowing endorsements from laypeople or
unqualified experts; ("Dr. Jones' book saved our marriage!"); or
someone who...
manages a stepfamily-related Web site, and/or
moderate a stepfamily Internet chat room; and/or anyone who...
publishes a stepfamily-related newsletter
written by them or others; or who...
includes advice from a "stepfamily
expert" in their Web site, materials, or program.
Though these
qualifications sound impressive,
none of them are
reliable indicators of an advisor's stepfamily knowledge!
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling now? Do the
opinions above feel credible and practical? Useful? If not - why not?
To
make these abstract ideas more real, consider these...
Examples of Impractical and Harmful Advice
Three main causes of impractical stepfamily advice are the advisor's
unawareness of...
psychological
wounds
that prevent people from following good advice.
To see this in action, read this
true story
and return here.
By
definition,impractical advice is
vague, over-general, and/or difficult or impossible to follow - e.g. "You should appreciate what
you have, and be happy." Who can argue with this suggestion? Can you name
someone who is able to do it consistently by "will power"?
Even impractical self-help advice will help by increasing self-awareness, within limits. However,
most authors, advisors, and advisees don't know what they don't know about
stepfamilies - which puts uninformed co-parents and supporters at risk of wasted
efforts, false hopes, and increased stresses.
Typical self-help publications;
e-newsletters; tapes; and Web articles and discussion groups; are jammed with
well-meant, impractical advice like the examples below. Needy people
will feel "That's great advice!" and then find that "for some reason"
(a) they're unable to follow it, or (b) they try, and the advice doesn't work
(fill their primary needs.)
Have you ever been unable to keep sincere
New Years resolutions? Ever tried and failed to quit smoking, stop
overspending, or keep off 15 unwanted pounds? How do you explain that? I
propose that happens when a person is controlled by a well meaning
''false self.'' Lesson 1 in this site describes how
to
test
for such control and how to
free
your
true Self
to
guide
you.
Common Examples of
Impractical Advice
These are taken verbatim from a well-regarded self-help book for stepfamily
mates. Typical wounded co-parents will agree with these - and their false
selves and unawareness will prevent them from acting on them:
use rough times to
enhance rather than destroy your relationship
be empathic and as
... supportive as possible
realize that there
are some gender differences
collaborate on a
(conflict) settlement
come up with (an
agreement) that you both consider fair
air your angry
feelings
don't be afraid to
disagree
agree
to disagree, or postpone a decision
communicate personally and
creatively
base your talks on
facts
you must flush out
your immediate ... concerns
This advice is taken verbatim from a well-known stepfamily Web site:
Recognize the hard
fact that the (step)children are not yours and they never will be.
Discipline styles
must be sorted out by the couple.
The norms and forms
of (child) discipline must be discussed and agreed to by the couple.
The conflict of
loyalties ...are normal and must be dealt with.
Approach issues
with the intention of partnering to a mutual agreement, not winning
the argument.
Don't take (step)kid's
negative behavior as a personal insult.
Over-disciplining
your stepchildren" Watch It! Under-disciplining your own children"
Watch It!
Go slow. Don't come
on too strong (as a stepparent).
Establish clear job
descriptions between the parent, stepparent and respective children.
Begin to get
information on how to best handle the prior spouse.
Be patient with
your husband, the kids, and yourself.
Be a sounding board
for your partner as the two of you discuss the household setup.
Schedule time to go
out alone, to dine alone. Don't talk about step(family issues).
Know the dynamics
of step. Know when to attribute (blame) the step situation and know
when it is something that you as a couple must sort out.
Be prepared for
conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies within the step
relationship.
If one or both partners' false selves are running the show, partners will
find it hard or impossible to benefit from vague generalities like these. Over time,
that's apt to lower their self-esteem and confidence, raise their guilt, and
wither their hope for effective problem-solving.
Potentially
Harmful
Stepfamily Advice
In this context, advice or misinformation is harmful if it
significantly...
lowers the family's
nurturance level, and/or promotes
psychological
wounds in kids and adults, and/or...
promotes these common co-parent teamwork
barriers, and/or...
reduces family members'
wholistic health, in the eyes of a neutral, knowledgeable observer; and/or...
misleads other people considering or in
stepfamilies and/or their supporters.
"Significantly" is a subjective judgment. Implication: to judge whether advice is
harmful, co-parents and supporters need to be
familiar with all these criteria - and few are.
Common Examples
In my
research since 1979, I have identified over 60
unrealistic, potentially harmful expectations ("myths") about stepfamilies. Here's a representative sample, which
are often found in well-meaning self-help publications, Web sites, and
professional counsel:
Remarried bioparents should put their kids'
needs
first, and stepparents should support and accept that.
Love and/or pious faith in a loving God will conquer all
(stepfamily problems).
The other divorced parent
(ex mate) is not a co-equal
member of a new stepfamily.
Stepparents and stepkids, stepsiblings, and
co-grandparents should love each other
like biofamily members.
New stepfamilies will "settle down" within a
few months after re/wedding.
Bioparents shouldn't have to
choose between pleasing or supporting their new mate and their prior child/ren.
Divorced parents are wiser the second time
around, and won't make the same mistakes.
Stepfamily marriage is basically the same as
first marriage.
Stepfamily courtship and/or cohabiting is a
reliable indicator of life after re/marriage.
Having an "ours" child will definitely
reduce existing stepfamily conflicts and strengthen a fragile
re/marriage.
A stepparent legally adopting a stepchild
will surely increase the bonds and loyalty among household and
stepfamily members.
Stepfamily holidays and gatherings should
feel pretty much like regular / normal / traditional (intact-biofamily) celebrations.
Typical co-parents and supporters know all
they need to know about bonding, losses, and healthy grief.
Any licensed, veteran human-service
professional with advanced degrees can be trusted to give practical,
useful stepfamily, re/marital, and co-parenting advice.
Every one of these is usually wrong.There
are many other common examples of toxic or harmful advice, but you get the
idea...
The bottom line:
authorize yourself and your partner to (a) study this
course,
or at least learn stepfamily
basics; and
to (b) critically
evaluate the credentials of anyone offering you stepfamily advice!
Recap
Two of the many challenges that adults in typical divorcing families and
stepfamilies face are to (a) discern who is qualified to advise them, and
(b) how to
tell meaningful, accurate advice from misguided, impractical or harmful
counsel.
Because typical
adults don't know what they need to know, it's
difficult for them to discern whom to trust with what advice. This is
critical, for one of
five hazards most
such adults face is
unawareness.
Based on 32
years' stepfamily research and experience, this article offers perspective and
guidelines about (a) whom to trust as a qualified divorce, stepfamily, or re/marital
author or advisor, and (b)
how to judge whether advice is relevant and useful, impractical, or potentially harmful.
The article
includes real examples of the latter.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
do you need?
Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
true Self, or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/help/advice.htm
Perspective
The Problem With Stepfamily
Research
The point: 