Co-parent
Support Group, Continued...
When this planning
meeting (or series) is over, you want to have forged ...
-
Initial group trust,
-
shared feelings of common purpose,
commitment, and optimism;
-
a good-enough agreement on
issues like those below, and...
-
agreements on who's going to do what next.
Guidelines
Start each
organization meeting with a summary of the general
purpose, and the meeting’s agenda. Initially, ask people for...
-
their preferred name;
-
brief background on their stepfamily
structure, status, and experience;
-
why they're interested in starting a group;
-
any
experience in organizing or participating in a support group; and...
-
"What do you hope we accomplish at this
meeting?"
-
any concerns for this meeting about smoking, confidentiality, and ending times.
Set the tone by saying that you’ve gathered to brainstorm, and any
ideas or thoughts are welcome, no matter how "nutty" or far-fetched.
|
ALERT!
I’ve often seen an
extra-needy person or couple vent at great length and take the meeting over.
Avoid that by reminding everyone before they come and as you start that this
is planning meeting, and that future meetings will provide the chance for
sharing. |
Be
assertive and persistent on staying focused so you all feel it was a productive meeting when
they leave.
1)
What are our co-parent support-group
goals?
2)
Membership: who is our group
for - and not
for?
3) How will we
recruit or attract
new members?
4) Who do we want
to make referrals to us? How
shall we invite that
5) What kind of
image do we want to
present to our community, if any?
6)
Should we limit our size? How big?
7)
Site options: where will we meet?
8) What should our
meeting format be?
9)
How often should we meet? For how long
(per meeting)?
10) Will we need
to raise funds? For what? When? How?
11) Do we want a
local business sponsor or affiliate organization? If
so - who? Costs (risks, obligations, limits) and Benefits?
12) Should we have a
newsletter? For just group
members, or others? Containing what?
13) Do we need
professional (clinical) backup and/or other resource
people? Why? Who? Should we offer child care?
14)
What
group-process rules
and guidelines will help us meet our goals?
15) Should we try to
compile a resource library? Of what? How?
16) Should we have
a group name and/or logo?
17) Who’s in charge of what,
for now?
18) Add any
questions that fit your unique situation.
The resulting list forms an
for your organizational meetings. As you see, there’s a lot to decide! If this
looks daunting, one option is to rank-order these topics by
relevance to getting your group underway.
Another
option is to rough-draft answers to some or most of these questions, and evolve firmer
policies as you gain members and group experience.
You don’t have to decide all
these at once!
Review all these
questions one at time with your planners. Decide those you can, then ask for volunteers to work on options for
some or all of the remaining questions. Have them bring back their ideas and
recommendations to the next planning meeting. Investing patient, focused effort in
group design (vs. jumping right in) really pays off, over time!
My experience with over 15 co-parent
support groups suggests that there is no one
best group
design. The
mosaic of personal, couple, and stepfamily situations that your participants bring will
form a unique blend of needs. To
succeed,
your group members should value getting
on their
respective
needs and working together to fill them.
+ + +
Decisions on these organizing questions form your group's policies,
which should support your mission or vision statement. For clarity and consistency, summarize and write down these policies, to
use in advertising your group, and informing new people.
What are our main support-group
goals
?
David Campbell titles his job-counseling book "If
You Don’t Know Where You Want To Go - You’ll Probably End Up Somewhere Else." In the same vein, a support group
without clear goals is like the proverbial boat without a rudder.
I suggest evolving a
concise (i.e. one or two paragraphs), clear mission statement - early - and
reading it at the start of each meeting to focus everyone. This is specially helpful when
new people are present.
Basically,
you’re coming together to
fill members’ special needs to...
-
Vent - i.e. be empathically heard
and...
-
Feel validated and accepted by co-parenting
peers
-
Clarify, validate, and get effective
solutions to
current stepfamily problems
-
Learn relevant stepfamily norms, realities, and
resources
-
Reduce stepfamily co-parenting
isolation
-
Heal pre-re/marriage wounds
-
Raise the quality and effectiveness of your
co-parenting
-
Socialize and enjoy each other’s company
-
Offer a vital resource to each other and the people of your
community.
Can you
think of other needs the group can fill? Discussion and your increasing
support-group experience may generate other key goals for you all.
Who is our group for - and not for?
-
Any re/married adults, adults considering
re/marriage,
or both;
-
Stepparents only, stepmoms(dads) only, or
stepparents and bioparents ("co-parents");
-
Couples only, or any interested individuals, or
whole stepfamilies.
-
The general public, or just members of a sponsoring
church congregation or community.
My experience
is the best option is to invite all
interested prospective and veteran stepfamily
co-parents, up to your group size-limit (if any). Couples are strongly encouraged,
and
individuals are welcome. All-stepfamily gatherings or events (including minor and/or grown
kids, and maybe interested kin) may happen several times a year (e.g. a holiday meeting),
with group consensus.
Having separate
meetings for members’ kids is wonderful - and a lot of work.
If you
have several adults who are experienced and willing to commit to organizing and
supervising periodic meetings for your older pre-teens or teens - great!
An important
membership consideration has to do with the depth of people’s needs: Unless
you have a
attending and facilitating
regularly, be clear that your support group is
meant as a
substitute for qualified professional counseling. State that clearly in any
verbal and media advertising, and include it in your mission statement.
Some signs
indicating that professional help is warranted: (even joking) comments about
suicide or murder; extreme
depression, anxiety, paranoia, or reality distortion; descriptions of
family physical or verbal
abuse or
neglect obvious
addicted to
chemicals, activities, or people; couples arguing violently in the group; inappropriate
sexual conduct at home or in the group; and the like.
See
"screening prospects" and "resource people" below for options. It’s a good idea to ask people who are high on any chemicals to stay home or leave.
How shall we
recruit new
members?
Who do we want to make
referrals
to us?
How shall we invite
that?
Once
you’re clear on what you’re all trying to do, and for whom, you’re in a
place to advertise. From my experience, there are some Do's and Don'ts about
effectively publicizing your co-parents' support group for an initial meeting, or a
regular meeting.
Terminology Can Be Key
Some people may be turned off
by, or not understand, the terms "stepfamily" or "stepparent"
(mental associations: wicked, second-best, etc.). Alternative publicity
adjectives are blended or reconstituted (also confusing),
remarriage,
or second-marriage families.
Fortunately, the negative bias against
"step-" seems to be shrinking, as people get used to this
"new" type of normal family (estimated to be about one of five U.S. households,
in many places...).
Advertising a "stepparent’s"
group potentially leaves out the many bioparents who are married to a stepparent, but have
no stepkids. They need just as much support! Better alternatives are to say clearly
you’re a group for "stepfamily adults", or "stepfamily co-parents",
or "stepparents and their partners" - if you are.
The most effective support-group recruiting
publicity seems to be periodic
human-interest stories in your community paper, with a photo or two. Focusing on an actual couple or family will get people's attention, and
lead them into reading about and considering your support group.
Notices in the community-
meeting section of local papers, as well as radio and cable and network TV
public-service
announcements (usually free) work well. These often need to be submitted in writing to
the newspaper or broadcast station two or three weeks in advance of the event.
Other
places to advertise
-
(Liberal) church bulletins and newsletters
-
Middle and high-school district PTO/PTA newsletters
-
Local-government and organizational flyers - e.g. park district, junior college,
hospital, or public mental health center adult education programs
-
Public and private counseling agencies - including hospital outpatient departments,
and mental health, family-medicine, and family-law private-practitioners, are usually glad
to know of support groups to make selective referrals to them.
-
Have your members tell their doctors, pediatricians, dieticians,
pharmacists, and dentists of your support
group when they visit. Perhaps 20% of their patients are in stepfamilies!
-
Divorce-mediation and family-law lawyers can
be helpful, too - if they clearly understand you don’t need emotionally
chaotic or warring people...
-
Colorful posters can attract wide attention in high-traffic places like libraries,
grocery and drug stores, fast-food outlets, copying centers, video-rental stores,
entrances to public transportation, etc
-
Local banks or realty offices may allow reputably-sponsored organizations to include
co-parent support-group flyers in their mailings
-
Local single-parent support-groups may have newsletters which will advertise you.
Even if they do, visit their meetings periodically and describe your group.
About 70% of U.S. single moms and dads remarry within five to seven
years...
See if local
organizations are sponsoring any "Rainbows"
(grief-support) groups. Often the kids in them are in stepfamilies. Also, a majority of
the adults in "ToughLove" support groups are (pretty troubled)
stepfamily co-parents of teens. Search the Web for info on them.
Some (liberal)
ministers may agree to make referrals and/or post notices. Ministers who re/marry
couples are potentially the best people to alert new stepfamily co- parents of what
they’re (all) getting into.
Clergy and other counselors are often handicapped
by lack of qualified stepfamily training and direct experience.
If one or more of
your members is computer-literate, consider creating a
home page on the Internet. If your local city government
and/or a local major hospital has their own home page, they may be willing to include
a listing for your group as a community resource.
One way of
advertising is to invite relevant community people to sit in on a meeting or two -
specially if they’re re/married. Typical human-service professionals have no
comprehensive idea of the scope and kind of
stepfamily co-parents and their kids
are routinely faced with. When they hear some typical stories from your members, they may
gain empathy and motivation to refer people (and/or funders!) to your group.
Build a mailing list of potential
referral sources from your phone book, and send a descriptive flyer every quarter or
so. The more planned and thought-out your group design, and the more established you are,
the more likely such organizations and people will be to endorse and cooperate with your
group - specially if they're are in a stepfamily!
What kind of image do we want to
present to our community?
Some options about
key
themes you want the public to "get" about your support group from your
advertising:
-
We’re here for
all (adult?) members of potential or actual stepfamilies with live-in and/or visiting,
minor and/or grown stepkids;
-
We are (not)
affiliated with any local religious or mental health organization, or any
12-step
movement;
-
Our primary purposes
are education and re/marital and stepfamily support (vs. therapy), because
millions
of U.S. stepfamilies ultimately re/divorce;
-
We are an open,
drop-in (or call-first) group, with clear confidentiality policies (if you are);
Should we have a group size limit? How big is too
big?
My experience
is that eight to 16 people per meeting is optimal. Less tha seven or eight people
seems to be under the "critical mass" that will attract and hold group interest
and loyalty.
That’s partly because there are so many stepfamily variations, a small
group lowers the chance that attendees will meet "someone a lot like me/us".
More people means more potential experience, wisdom, and creativity to draw on for
solutions.
More than around
16 participants risks too many who need to vent at a meeting, and some winding up
feeling "cut-off" or frustrated. Large-group decision-making gets lengthy and
cumbersome, too. Often, a major group-size factor is the capacity and facilities of the
meeting site. Either can determine the other...
What should our meeting format (agenda) be?
Your
co-parents' support group can be on a continuum between
totally structured to completely
unstructured.
My experience is that moderately structured often works best. That means have a
loose, standard format, like...
-
An opening,
-
A "working" (learning, venting, and/or
problem-solving) segment,
-
A short refreshment break,
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Some socializing / administrative time, and ...
-
A closing.
The opening is an important
ritual which builds group identity
and "gets everyone in the mood." Options:
-
Welcome and introduce any new and/or resource people present;
-
Someone read the group’s brief mission (and maybe policy) statements;
-
Each person give a
brief
statement of what they're feeling right now if they wish to;
-
Some groups may want a
prayer;
-
Review this meeting’s agenda; and...
-
Ask "Who needs air time?"
"Working
time" is where
everyone attends their
needs to vent, exchange affirmation, clarify,
learn, problem-solve, and
belong. Again, you have several options:
Invite each member to "check in" or "pass": introduce
themselves, if new people are present, and describe briefly (~ 5" each) how they are,
and any important stepfamily or re/marital events, problems, and successes. This may be
the place to learn if they need air time;
Have a guest speaker focus on some topic relevant to most (or ideally all)
people present, followed by discussion;
Have "air time," where a few members speak at length about
their current stepfamily situation, and get feedback if desired;
Do focused problem-solving for member/s who asks for it, and/or ...
If you’re doing a self-led stepfamily class together, do one of the session modules.
Take a break, get refreshed, and regroup. Then...
Attend any administrative business (funding, advertising, recruiting,
planning, etc.),
Relax and socialize, or …
Complete any unfinished matters from the "working time."
Close the meeting: perhaps
with a (physical) friendship
circle, a prayer, a summary of what you’ve just done together (specially positive
options and solutions that emerged), and/or an expression of thanks and encouragement to
troubled members and to all.
You may choose to ask each person to say what
they're aware of, as you end. However you design it,
your closing segment is a
powerful way of forging group identity, loyalty, community, and continuity. Some
12-step and other groups close with "Keep coming back - it (our group)
works!"
The
"looseness" of such a meeting format comes from your ability to mold each
segment to fit your collective circumstances at the time. Sometimes you’ll have a
speaker, other times not. Sometimes you’ll have a lot of administration stuff, other
times little or none.
Sometimes many people will need air time, other times everyone will
be in a pretty good space and will just enjoy socializing.
The one constant at every
meeting is your members' set of common needs to vent / validate / learn / problem-solve /
belong, and socialize, / help, and / build optimism and hope.
My experience is
that co-parent support groups who’s meeting agendas are consistently free-form (i.e.
the meeting agenda is no agenda) don’t last long. Similarly, groups that are
run with an over-rigid schedule and format are a turn-off for all but people with high
needs for structure . So you’re looking for a dynamic balance of these that
usually works for enough of your members …
An important
administrative task is for the group leader/s to periodically poll all members on their
comfort level with the average meeting format, and to adjust the format if enough people
want to. You’ll evolve your own best-fit routine, over time.
Where
will we meet?
Options:
(a) member’s homes, or (b) somewhere else. Your group's basic needs are a nearby
bathroom, moveable, comfortable chairs (ideally), "enough" elbow room and quiet,
a sink and counter space, an accessible public phone, perhaps a refrigerator, and places
for parking and hanging up any heavy-weather clothes.
Many
co-parent support groups I’ve been in have rotated the hosting responsibilities among
the members. This was partly because no one could find a suitable "outside"
site.
The advantages to this approach are economy (free),
simplicity (no
outside people to negotiate with), and all sharing the site-prep and refreshment
responsibilities. The disadvantages are (a) group size may be limited to fit the smallest
home/s, and (b) often, phones, kids, and pets can be distracting.
Possible non-home
sites can include meeting rooms at a local church, school, civic building (library,
park district, city hall, ...), hospital, business, or a public or private mental health
agency. One Chicago group found a comfortable (free) home in a local realty office’s
conference room.
Again, where choice exists, you may lower chances of limiting group
attendance by avoiding church and mental-health sites, and people’s (unfortunate)
related biases. Conversely, some people would be attracted because you were
in a
church...
Meet
when,
how often, and how long?
These choices will
evolve from your group’s unique personality.
The norm I’ve seen is to meet
once or twice a month, on a week night or early Sunday evening, for two to two and a half
hours. For eight or more people, meeting for less than that often doesn’t allow
enough air and administrative time. That breeds frustration and dropouts.
Do we need to raise
funds? For what? When?
How?
How will you pay
for postage, advertising, printing, space, refreshments, speakers, educational kits, and
supplies? Many groups use a combination of passing the hat at each meeting, fund-raisers,
and soliciting community or participant donations (of supplies, copying service, or space,
vs. money).
Fund raisers can take many forms: car washes, bake and garage sales, wine
tasting or meet-the-cast parties, artist benefit performances, mail solicitations,
raffles, etc. These can be fun group-building events as well as work. They provide good
community advertising, too.
My experience
suggests that unless your group gets "big,"
the idea of fixed dues and
formal memberships is generally a turnoff. Dues take time to
account for, can imply exclusivity or formality, and will take periodic
group time in discussion and haggling.
Their advantage is that
they provide regular and (fairly) predictable income, enabling more or
"wider" activities. Who in your group will handle the money- management
responsibilities?
Do we
want a local business sponsor or affiliate organization? If so,
who?
Costs and Benefits?
A well-known
community organization's endorsement of your co-parental support group can lend it instant
credibility. Mental health agencies, hospitals, clinics, or churches, however, carry a
mix of associations for prospective attendees.
If any such sponsor already has a good
community reputation for unbiased and positive family-life education programs, fine.
Otherwise, if you advertise such sponsorship prominently you may get credibility - and
limit the scope of the people who'll try out the group because of biases about or against
such organizations.
Should we compile a
resource library? Of what?
How?
Typical co-parents often don’t know what they
don’t know about stepfamily norms, co-parental tasks, special stepchild needs, and
effective solutions. One solution to this is to provide informed
stepfamily education. Your support group is a perfect place to do
this!
Collect printed and media stepfamily information
that members contribute, or you buy with group funds. Make it available for loan or
purchase at your meetings, and build motivation for members to use it.
Develop
and maintain a stepfamily bibliography and resource list, and pass it
out
to members and community libraries, hospitals, mental health centers,
churches, and school counseling departments. See if one of your members will
be your group's "resource director" (!), and coordinate this key project...
| Option:
as you do this, consider these guidelines for selecting useful
stepfamily books, and avoiding
inaccurate, impractical, and toxic resources. |
Some good stepfamily information sources:
The articles and
worksheets in this Web site - specially those in
Lesson 7;
This selected
booklist;
The nonprofit
National Stepfamily Resource
Center (NSRC)
Searchable online bookstores like
Amazon.com,
and these...
Online stepfamily resources
Should
we have a group newsletter?
For just our members, or others, too? Who?
Containing what?
A newsletter is hard
work - and an effective way of welcoming new
members;
advertising your support group's presence, agendas, events, and any donors' or sponsors'
services; distributing useful stepfamily facts or articles; and promoting a feeling of
"group-ness" and continuity.
Many stepfamily
and stepparenting Web
sites offer newsletters. Browse and see what appeals
to you (format, content, length, tone, layout, etc.).
Do we need
professional backup
and/or
other resource people?
Why? Who?
Besides your
participants, there are
three kinds of resource people that can add a lot to the
quality and effectiveness of your support group:
-
knowledgeable guest speakers,
-
qualified clinicians,
and...
-
support-group and public-relations consultants.
Before selecting
any, read and discuss
this.
"Knowledgeable speakers"
are any local people who have stepfamily-relevant knowledge, and the time and heart to
share it. At the head of the list of experts are your older stepkids! Close behind
are your co-grandparents and other stepfamily relatives.
Other options
include family-law lawyers or judges, professional (post- divorce) mediators, specialized
teachers and therapists (including clergy), and consultants in child development,
relationships, parenting, verbal communications, and family finances.
Qualified
clinicians can be psychiatrists (MDs), clinical (vs. research)
psychologists, clinical and psychiatric social workers, or marriage-and-family and
pastoral counselors. "Qualified" here means they have - in addition to
therapy fundamentals and experience - some special interest and training in, and
experience with, the topics in this
and on the next page.
It’s a great asset to build and
use a referral list of qualified
local
mental-health professionals and local support organizations (like
Rainbows, Tough Love, and
Mothers Without Custody) for steppeople in
Such resource people can be
excellent guest speakers.
Don’t hesitate to ask
qualified clinical
people to help your group! Many mental-health professionals are interested in the
chance to help (and learn!), and in possible sources of client or patient
referrals. Some professionals are stepfamily co-parents themselves!
The third type of helpful support-group
resource persons are consultants who have special experience and
training in establishing and maintaining a flourishing non-therapy
support group. Such people may be lay or professional, and local or distant.
Local public and private
mental-health agencies, hospitals, and larger churches usually sponsor a range of public
support groups. They may have a group liaison person or coordinator who would advise for
free, and/or point you at other local resource people.
 Continued
on p. 3.
|
The Next Meetings:
Useful Organizing Topics