This article assumes you're familiar with...
-
the intro to this
nonprofit Web site and the
premises underlying it
-
self-improvement
-
typical stepfamily problems
-
how to evaluate stepfamily advice,
and...
-
this example of a real
stepfamily
|
Sociologists estimate that
over half of modern U.S. stepfamilies break up (re/divorce). This implies
that typical stepfamily adults and
kids are significantly stressed, and need help ("support"). The high
re/divorce rate suggests typical adults aren't getting enough qualified
support.
This article...
-
defines "qualified stepfamily support"
-
summarizes types of support that are available,
-
proposes why many stepfamily adults don't seek or use
available supports,
and...
-
offers recommendations for choosing and
providing support.
What is "Qualified Stepfamily Support"?
Try saying your definition of (interpersonal) "support" out loud. When is
the last time you sought and/or accepted "support" for some problem? When
you were young, did your parents ever seek "support" for any family
problems?
Let's broadly define support as "anything that helps one or more
people reduce some current personal or group stressor." There are many
things that can do that, like...
-
sincere empathy, affirmation, and
encouragement
-
respectful listening, without trying to
"fix" the speaker
-
cooperatively defining the problem and
brainstorming solutions
-
relevant new information and ideas (education and consulting)
-
appropriate physical touching - e.g.
nonsexual hugs
-
respectful, unbiased mediation between
conflicted people
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constructive confrontations (vs. enabling or
avoiding)
-
recommending relevant resource people, programs, and materials
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maintaining clear boundaries - not taking
responsibility for someone else's problems
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volunteering time and energy without
self-neglect
-
focusing on problems vs. blaming or
criticizing people
-
reframing
problems (suggesting a different point of view) - e.g. glass half-full
vs. half-empty
-
encouraging win-win problem-solving vs.
fighting, arguing, or avoiding
-
acknowledging personal and group strengths
-
being realistic, vs. cynical, pessimistic,
or idealistic
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encouraging others to provide these supports
-
(add your ideas...)
With the two exceptions hilited above, any
sincere, respectful person is "qualified" to offer these supports to
troubled adults and kids.
People who lack accurate
understanding of (a) these
and (b) stepfamily norms, realities, and problems, are not qualified
to offer stepfamily advice or information.
|
Restated - if a lay person or professional (clergy,
counselor, therapist, lawyer, etc.) can't "pass" this
quiz and answer these
questions accurately, they're probably
not qualified to provide effective stepfamily advice or education in
person or in the media. |
Sources of
Stepfamily Support
If
you're in a stepfamily or you're considering one, where can you get
qualified support? Healthy family, friends, self-help group members, and
some professionals can provide the personal supports above except (perhaps)
accurate advice and information.
Potential sources for the latter include...
-
authors of printed and online books and
articles
-
educational kits and courses like
these
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Web sites for stepfamily members (usually
stepparents). These may be created by lay and professional individuals
or human-service organizations
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real and online support groups
-
classes, seminars, webinars, and lectures.
Sponsors may include schools, churches, hospitals, and mental-health
agencies. Some businesses may sponsor educational events for employees.
At first glance, you might conclude "There's a lot of stepfamily support
available!" Well, yes - but there are...
Two Problems
-
Many
lay and professional advisors and educators are not qualified.
They think they are, but they don't know they need to know the
vital information in
here. And...
-
Typical stepfamily co-parents and
relatives...
-
may not accept their
as a stepfamily and/or they don't know what that identity
so they...
-
believe that biofamily norms and
experience are adequate resources for running a stepfamily. (The
high re/divorce rate shows that they're not). And typical
men and women...
-
don't (want to) know that they have
inherited the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
which can (a) cause many problems and (b) inhibit asking for and
accepting outside help. And average step-adults...
-
don't know how to evaluate who's qualified to advise and
educate them, so they're vulnerable to being misinformed.
|
The combined effect of these two problems is that most
stepfamily mates make up to three wrong
and don't get adequate support to help them manage their
concurrent
Therefore, many couples re/divorce psychologically or legally
and unwittingly pass on the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle
to their vulnerable kids. |
Pause and recall why you're reading this article. What are you thinking
and feeling now? What did you just learn?
Recommendations
The ideas above have implications for stepfamily adults and people who want
to support them. They both want to promote successful (high nurturance)
stepfamilies, avoid re/divorce, and break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle.
To achieve these goals, adults and
supporters need to get
educated.
If
You're a Stepfamily Adult
-
Check to see that your true Self is
you. If s/he isn't, you'll probably ignore, discount, or put off
following the following suggestions. Make
your Self (capital "S") your highest personal priority for your and any
kids' sakes.
-
Accept your stepfamily
and learn what it
Then invite all your family adults (including ex mates and inlaws) to do
the same.
-
Use and discuss this
quiz and these
questions to gauge your
stepfamily knowledge and identify things you all need to learn. Better
still - use all these
and Q&A resources. Then...
-
Invite all your adults and older kids to study and
discuss this
(ideally) before you choose to create or join a
stepfamily. If you're already committed, study it anyway. If your people
can't or won't do this,
at least study and discuss
together.
-
Expect to feel confused, stressed and overwhelmed
at times as you
your several biofamilies over many years. Accept that despite your
experience, maturity, and knowledge,
you'll probably need qualified
support to resolve many concurrent
-
Read, discuss, and apply these articles on
evaluating stepfamily advice,
books and articles,
counselors (advisors), and support groups.
Then critically evaluate a wide range of human and online support over
time to grow your perspective on whom to trust.
-
Note that you may need help in wound-reduction,
addiction recovery, effective communication, healthy grieving, effective
parenting, money management, and spiritual and/or legal issues - so
don't just look for "stepfamily" or "stepparenting" supports!
-
Intentionally build a qualified stepfamily support
network with informed relatives; friends; clergy; legal, medical, and
mental-health professionals; teachers; coaches; and insurance advisors.
-
Consider finding stepfamily-aware supporters for
your young people too.
-
As you do these things, refer other stepfamily
adults and supporters (including professionals) to Lesson 7 and this
article. If you use a local or online support group, suggest this and
the articles above as resources.
Notice your reaction to these suggestions - are you motivated to discuss and
follow them? If not, suspect that a protective false self may control you.
If You Provide Stepfamily Support
Whatever your life experience, education, and profession, you may feel
competent to teach or advise stepfamily adults and/or to teach and sponsor
such advisors. I propose that you'll
only be fully qualified (competent) to advise and educate stepfamily adults
if you...
-
are consistently
by your
after sustained personal effort to
your psychological wounds. Without this, you'll probably minimize
or ignore the importance and prevalence of such wounds in contributing
to stepfamily
problems.
And you need to ...
-
have studied the equivalent of
here. and...
-
be able to clearly "pass" these
and to...
-
confidently answer all these
questions without researching them;
and..
-
be able to clearly describe the [wounds + unawareness]
and it's
to an average older teen.
Otherwise, you won't really appreciate what
average stepfamily adults and supporters must want to know
in order to break the {wounds + unawareness] cycle and succeed, long
term.
These requisites apply to lay people, veteran steppeople, authors,
counselors, Web site managers, Internet chat-room moderators, media
producers and contributors, support-group leaders, teachers on all levels,
program and professional association administrators, clergy, family-life
coaches and administrators, customer-service reps, human-resource
specialists, and similar professionals.
Notice your reaction to this proposal. If
you lack these requisites and have been advising and educating steppeople,
you're probably not fully qualified to do so. That doesn't mean
you're not helpful - it means you're not nearly as helpful a you could be.
It also means you may unintentionally be promoting some of these many
misconceptions about
stepfamily realities.
Recap
Typical multi-home stepfamilies are more complex and stressful. than
healthy intact biofamilies. Their adults
and kids often need qualified (informed, useful) support to problem-solve, stabilize, and
thrive. This article illustrates types of interpersonal support, and
proposes two criteria to judge whether stepfamily support is "qualified"
(accurate and useful).
The
article is based on
32 years' professional study of stepfamily realities,
dynamics, and problems. It exists because most lay and professional people
don't know how to identify qualified stepfamily support, and are
vulnerable to misinformed and even harmful advice.
Also read about supporting...
