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This YouTube clip previews what you'll find in this article:
This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles on howtoevolve a
high-nurturance stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and
re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. "Co-parents" means
both bioparents, or any of the several related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
This
article explores...
What's the problem?
Why accepting
your stepfamily identity
is essential, and...
How to manage identity
conflicts and "resistances"
Before reading further, learn
something about your stepfamily with this anonymous
1-question poll.
The article assumes you're
familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit Web site and the
premises underlying it
My
experience as a full-time professional stepfamily researcher and
therapist since 1981 suggests...
widespread lay and
professional ignorance about what a stepfamily is;
many people feel
stepfamilies and step people are inferior, irregular, abnormal, and
"unnatural;"
many authors and
program leaders try to dodge the negative association of "step-" by
using adjec-tives like second (family), bonus, co-,
reconstituted, reconstructed, and rem(arried). This reinforces
the myth of stepfamily inferiority;
members of stepfamilies
commonly minimize or deny their identity as a normal stepfamily,
or they say "We are a stepfamily," but they don't (want to) know
what that means;and...
many lay and professional
people believe up to 60mythsabout normal
multi-home stepfamilies and their members. In other words, they live from an
array of erroneous expectations based on intact biofamily
structures and dynamics.
Bottom line - many people ignore, deny, and reject their identity
as a normal stepfamily ["Why no - we're just a regular (bio)family."].
So they encounter great trouble avoiding or resolving stressful step-
role and relationship
problems because they have unrealistic expectations.
This is surface problem.
Three Real
Problems
Premise - The basic problem is
the prevalence of psychological wounds in adults in
divorcing and re/ married families
and in typical human-service professionals. These wounds are usually denied
or trivial-ized. They promote step-identity denial by...
protectively
distorting reality (e.g. ignoring that stepfamilies are
verydifferent
than intact biofamilies, and that U.S. re/divorces exceed first
divorces),
wounded step-mates longing for
the ideal family they never had as a child,
hindering healthy
grieving of divorce or death-related losses (broken bonds); and...
excessive shame ("our
family is inferior!") and parental guilt ("I'm raising our kids in
an inferior family!")
The second root problem is
ignorance
- lackoflay and professional knowledge of the topics
in this online
course, anddenial of the impact of this ignorance
on families and our society.
The deepest problem is
public denial of the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle that is
inexorably spreading in and weakening our culture.
This denial manifests by our passively condoning unqualified child
conceptions and inept parenting, which produces
low-nurturance families and
passes on psychological wounds.
Pause and reflect Have you ever encountered these ideas about stepfamily
identity before? Do they seem credible to you?
Managing Stepfamily-identity Conflicts
The goals here are to get all your
adults and kids to...
The best time to
begin work toward these goals is during courtship - before deciding whether
to form or join a stepfamily. If you didn't, doing these steps
can still be valuable:
1) Define the
identity-assessment criteria you'll use;
2) Assess
key relatives' step-acceptance and knowledge;
3) Motivate
resistant or unaware relatives to (a) accept your identity and (b) change any
stepfamily myths into realistic expectations;
and...
4)
Teach your kids about their step-identity and what it means to all of
you;
Define Your Criteria
With
your partner, decide how to judge which relatives accept your stepfamily
identity, For example:
I now believe this
adult or older child…
1) can _ accurately describe what "a
stepfamily" is, and _ can name at least five main
dif-ferences
between a stepfamily and an intact biological family.
And
s/he...
2)
_ realizes that when my partner and I committed to each other, we formed
(or joined) a normal
multi-home stepfamily;
and _this relative knows what that
means; And s/he...
3) accepts without doubt that…
each of our minor and grown children's bioparents and stepparents
is a full member of our multi-home
nuclear stepfamily; and
that…
each genetic or legal
relative of each of our three or more co-parents is a full
member of our
multi-generational stepfamily whether
they agree or not.
If someone doesn't fully accept these realities, they don't
really
understand what a stepfamily is, and/or they have some major psychological issues
and/or losses to resolve.
And this
family member
now agrees that…
4) ifan
adult's or child's behaviors, feelings, genes, and attitudes have significant effects
on other family members, s/he is a
full functional member of our stepfamily
whether s/he wants to be included
or not. And this person accepts our identity if s/he...
5)
freely uses
stepfamily
role-titles to talk about our members in public
and at home - e.g. stepmother (father); stepdaughter (son);
stepbrother (sister);
ourstepfamily (or equivalent); etc.
Considering these
five factors, I (or we) see this child or adult as clearly accepting our
identity as a normal multi-home stepfamily now.
Wounded, uninformed people who are
uneasy about or ashamed of being in a stepfamily may choose evasive
"family"
adjectives like blended, second, bonus, restructured, co-, combined, and
reconsti-tuted, to avoid the unpleasant connotations of "step-" (e.g.
second best, inferior, abnormal, weird, and unnatural.)
RED LIGHT!!!
Next, use your criteria to...
Assess Your Relatives'
Beliefs
Starting with your mate, parents, grandparents, and older kids, use your criteria to judge
(a) who accepts your stepfamily identity and (b) knows what it means. That might sound like "Uncle Walt, do you agree that when
I married Marla, that made us all a stepfamily, and made you a
step-uncle to her kids?" If you're uneasy about asking, there's probably
some other unfinished business worth problem-solving...
Keep
your step-identity criteria simple and neutral, and note that
vague
answers ("I dunno - never thought about it."),
ambivalence ("I'm
not sure.") and direct denials ("NO, we are not a stepfamily!") usually indicate psychological wounds and unawareness. That usually means
unrealistic expectations.
Be ready to explain why
you're asking. It's a chance to do some useful stepfamily education. If "Uncle Walt" (or whoever) asks "Why is that important?"
say you're
working to avoid family problems and to build a high-nurturance stepfamily.
Repeat this evaluation with each stepfamily
adult and older child. Stay
aware that this is not a hunt to determine who's "wrong," but who may have
unrealistic expectations about your
stepfamily roles, rela-tionships, and dynamics.
You'll probably end up with some relatives who...
genuinely accept your stepfamily identity,
and have a good idea of what it
means,
and others who...
accept your identity and don't
know what it means; and other adults and teens who...
are uncertain, vague, or ambivalent about
your identity and what it means, and..
some kinfolk who flatly reject or "don't
care" about being in a stepfamily.
Raise
Your Family-member's Awareness
Give a copy of these articles to each adult and older child who accepts your
stepfamily identity:
Discuss these together at family gatherings -
specially if "non-believers" are present.
Help Your Kids Understand Your Stepfamily
Typical pre-teens are often confused about stepfamily realities, roles, and
relationships - specially if their adults are too. Younger kids lack the
concepts (like "divorce" and "remarriage") and the vocabulary to express
their confusion and ask clear questions.
An effective way to help them is to
compare simple stick-figure or cartoon-face
diagrams of their biofamily and
their stepfamily. Another is to ask your local library for kids'
age-appropriate books about stepkids and stepfamilies.
Keys to emphasize are (a) stepfamilies and step-people are normal and OK,
and (b) stepkids, step-parents, stepsibs, and step-relatives don't have
to love each other.
If you have family members that reject or ignore your stepfamily identity,
or are uncertain about or disinterested in it, what can you do?
Options
You can (a) wait for some significant family role or
relationship problems to occur, or (b) try to pre-vent such problems.
Either way, you'll need to confront "resistant" relatives and
supporters on the reality of
your stepfamily identity and their unrealistic expectations. The rest of
this article offers ideas on how to do this effectively.
"Supporters" include friends, clergy, psychiatrists, counselors, case
workers, attorneys, mediators, judges, therapists, and medical
professionals. Many don’t know stepfamily basics
(e.g. Lesson 7) - but they think they do. This is also true of many
stepfamily authors, "experts," and Web site hosts. For per-spective on evaluating stepfamily advice
and books, follow these links after you
finish this article.
Terminology can make a difference here.
Some people dislike the prefix "step-" because they asso-ciate it with being "second best" or "unnatural," and with prior marital and
perhaps parenting "failure." These are symptoms of the
widespread psychological wounds of excessive shame and guilt. Note that
"blended families" are those in which each remarried mate has one or
more prior kids.
If you clarify what a stepfamily is and relatives still resist accepting
your step-identity, you can...
Accept
their resistance, and work on (a) raising other members'
awareness of stepfamily re-alities, (b) evolving and using an
effective family
mission statement,
and (c) managing your biofamily-merger plan; and/or...
respectfully
assert
their opinions and needs about (a) stepfamily identity and (b)
realistic stepfamily expectations to key
adults and kids, and...
listen empathically
to learn the relatives' opinions and needs, so they all can......
do win-win
problem-solving
together (vs. right/wrong arguing or power struggles) to fill everyone's primary needs well enough.
How does this compare to
your family's definition of confrontation?
Prepare to
Confront
Recall: ignoring, minimizing, or denying your stepfamily
identity usually stems from significant psy-chological wounds +
ignorance of stepfamily facts + incomplete grieving of significant losses (broken bonds).
Ideally, stepfamily mates will each accept their stepfamily's identity
and know what it means, before confronting other family members. If one
mate doesn't, you have a high-priority
values conflict
to resolve. Not resolving it will promote confusion among other family
members - specially minor kids.
Both mates also need to be fully aware of...
the symptoms of
psychological wounds (Lesson 1) and unfinished grief (Lesson 3);
and....
how to spot and
resolve loyalty and values conflicts and relationship triangles;
and...
their right to assert
their opinions and needs, and to disagree with senior family
members.
The
Web address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf//id.htm
Three Real
Problems
Define Your Criteria
Assess Your Relatives'
Beliefs
Continue with an