Lesson 7 of 7 - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily
What's Normal In a Stepfamily? - p. 2 of 3  Realities 1 to 30 of 60 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member, NSRC Expert Council

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        This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

  Directions

        These two pages are meant to be printed and used with a printed copy of 60 Common Stepfamily Myths. The bracketed [  ] numbers below refer to these myths (unrealistic expectations). Several myths may be lumped together in one reality below.

        These items summarize what I've come to believe is real in typical U.S. stepfamilies, after 31 years' clinical work with over 1,000 typical stepfamily adults. There are exceptions to these baseline stepfamily realities, so what follows is a general profile, not absolute. If any of your adults feel skeptical about some of these realities, check them out with veteran (i.e. re/married five+ years) stepparents and bioparents and with other stepfamily authors.

From my experience as a stepson, stepfather, and stepfamily researcher, therapist, and educator since 1979, every one of the 60 myths is partly or completely untrue in average multi-home stepfamilies! Until they are corrected, these unrealistic expectations will cause confusion, disappointment, frustration, hurt, anger, and guilt in adults and kids, and inhibit healthy bonding.

 Here's What's (Usually) REAL...

          The Lesson-7 online articles provide more detail on each of these topics.

[ Myths 1 - 3 ] A stepfamily is a multi-generational, multi-home group of related adults and kids in which one or more adults chooses the of part-time or full-time role of stepparent for their mate's prior kids. Thus, any bioparent seriously dating or committed to a new partner after a prior divorce or their prior mate's death forms a stepfamily. This is true whether they live together or not.

          Re/married couples who conceive a child together and/or whose prior kids are all grown still form a stepfamily. Couples  with adult stepkids usually bypass stressful conflicts over child visitation, financial support, and custody. They do not bypass significant stress from psychological wounds, unawareness, ex-mate relations, incomplete grief, and conflicts over stepfamily identity, loyalty, membership, parenting values, money, names, holidays, family priorities, and traditions. 

[ Myth 4 ]  An intact nuclear biofamily (parents and dependent kids) normally lives in one home. Typical nuclear stepfamilies (co-parents and visiting and custodial minor kids) live in two or more homes bound together for years by child visitations, legal agreements and responsibilities, genes, last names, history, finances, special events, and deep emotions.

        The only stepfamily that lives in one home is one where all biokids or non-custodial bioparents are dead or uninvolved. Even then, there are usually emotional and other ties with the absent people, living ex in-laws, and with stepkin living in other homes.

[ Myths 5 - 7 ]  Because they are adults and kids living and growing together, sharing concerns with work and school, health, pets, bills, chores, church, friends, etc., average stepfamilies are just like typical intact ("traditional") biofamilies.

        Paradoxically, they also differ in structure, tasks, and norms in over 60 ways! These differences usu-ally combine to cause unexpected confusion, frustrations, guilts, and conflicts for years. They often render "common sense" biofamily rules ineffective or even harmful to relationships and stepfamily bonding.

[ Myth 8 ] Co-parents' relatives and friends often mistakenly expect the new household and kin to feel and act pretty much like their image of a traditional intact biofamily. They also may secretly or openly disap-prove of prior divorces and/or the parent's new union. Therefore, friends and relatives may be startlingly unempathic and critical, and/or offer unrealistic (i.e. biofamily) suggestions when co-parents run into unex-pected role and relationship problems.

[ Myth 9 ]  Divorce and/or spouse death end the primacy and legal and religious contracts of a marriage. They may not end the psychological bond between the former partners, specially if they raised kids toge-ther. This is common if one mate didn't want the divorce, and/or if either of them is blocked in mourning their losses. It's also common if any of these barriers to ex-mate harmony exist.

[ Myth 10 ] My clinical experience with over ~1,000 average stepfamily adults suggests that over ~80% of average U.S. divorcing parents and stepfamily couples carry significant psychological wounds from low-nurturance early-childhoods (e.g. neglect and abuse).

        These wounds combine with up to four other wide-spread hazards to promote (a) unwise courtship choices (b) escalating stepfamily stress, (c) eventual re/divorce, and (d) passing on the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle. The online Break the Cycle! self-improvement course can help you prevent this.

[ Myth 11 ] Typical courtships evoke (a) extra politeness and thoughtfulness, (b) reluctance to confront, and (c) high tolerance for values-differences and irritating behavior - specially in the beloved-others' kids. Partners' and adult-child relationships often change dramatically after exchanging commitment vows and cohabiting. 

        Partners' committing to each other alters key roles: biomom's boyfriend turn into "stepfather;" "your daughter" becomes "my stepdaughter;" "your woman-friend" is now stepmothering my granddaughter, and is my new daughter-in-law; your ex-spouse's delaying child support now affects our finances (vs. yours); "your" nerdy (or cool) son becomes "my stepbrother"; etc.

       These many concurrent - and often sudden - role changes often cause stepfamily members to (a)  un-consciously alter their expectations of themselves and each other ("Now I must love you, and you must obey me"), or to (b) feel suddenly confused on what to expect.

        If all co-parents and kids aren't expecting these overnight changes and a long period of confusion and readjustment in and between their homes as normal, they can feel stressed, self-doubtful, anxious, and disoriented.

Bottom line: courtship relationships and behaviors are often not a reliable guide to what will happen after a commitment ceremony. Similarly, living together before exchanging vows probably won't accur-ately foretell post-commitment harmony or strife. Expect the unexpected!

[ Myth 12 ]  Legally and socially, re/marriage or mate-commitment does create a new family. However, it often takes four or more years after committing for most stepfamily households to begin to feel closeness, bonding, and loyalty similar to a healthy intact biofamily. This is true even if one or more "ours kids" are conceived by the new couple.

        Because of the number of adults, kids, relationships, and biofamily-merger complexity, it can take four or more annual cycles of birthdays, holidays, visitations, vacations, etc. to forge and stabilize a new stepfamily identity and a shared sense of "us-ness." The greater the dissimilarity of customs and values in the several merging families, and the lower the co-parents' skill at effective communication, the longer such stabilizing can take.

       This stepfamily identity-formation involves members' gradually clarifying and melding ideas on who has what roles and responsibilities in their family - including noncustodial bioparents, their new spouses (if any), step/grandparents, ex-in-laws, and half siblings.

       Conflicting traditions on managing special events need to be compromised: e.g. graduations or  retire-ments; major sicknesses; births, marriages, or deaths; altering wills and paying taxes; house moves or redecorations; school, job, or church changes; acquiring pets; communions, baptisms, or bar/bas mitz-vahs; special anniversaries; reunions; etc. How to "do" these "right" has to be renegotiated among all members of two or more families.

       Sometimes these variables are so complex and/or the merging biofamilies' values are so different, that a new stepfamily never fully bonds or grows a coherent identity or loyalties like a high-nurturance biofami-ly. This doesn't mean it can't be a viable family, it means it feels very "different." Co-parents who define clear stepfamily goals early on, and commit to working patiently toward them as mutually-respectful team-mates, often achieve the most satisfying bonding over time.

[ Myth 13 ]  Recall the difference between being accepted as a full member of some group, and being a guest or outsider (non-member). Here acceptance and inclusion mean "all other members of our family...

• know who I am, and...

• what my family roles and titles are, and they...

• want to include me and my relatives in important family decisions and activities, and they...

• genuinely care about my needs, feelings, and opinions, as I care about theirs."

Partial or mixed inclusion happens when some family members include a new person and others don't.

        Significantly-wounded (unaware, needy) courting co-parents often underestimate the difficulty of trying to get all members of a new nuclear stepfamily to fully accept and include each other. This is specially likely if any adult or child in the existing divorced or bereaved biofamily - including ex mates, minor and adult children, and "close" relatives - isn't well along on grieving their many family losses.

        Most stepfamily analysts suggest that it can take four or more years after co-committing (vs. cohabi-ting) to achieve stable-enough mutual inclusion. For perspective, acceptance spans 16 categories of things, not just "accepting a stepparent (the person)" or "stepsiblings liking each other"!

        The most sensitive inclusion arenas are between a new stepparent, each stepchild, and the kids' "other bioparent," if living. If the stepparent has kids, they need to accept their new stepparent, and each stepsibling and "close" step-relative.

        Bottom line: expect full mutual inclusion to be a multi-year process after (a) any commitment cere-mony, and (b) after overcoming many significant  values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Typically, full inclusion after co-habiting without formal re/marriage is even more complex. The most difficult inclusion scenario is new co-parenting partners cohabiting before one or both are legally or psychologically divorced.

[ Myths 14 - 16 ] Normal stepfamily structure forces bioparents to repeatedly choose between filling the needs of their new mate, one or more biokids, and sometimes their ex mate. Over time, all adult and child members of typical multi-home stepfamilies find themselves "caught in the middle" of such conflicts. Re-peated stepfamily loyalty and inclusion clashes are inevitable for years. They're often unexpectedly stress-ful for everyone.

       All families have loyalty conflicts. In them, one member feels caught between the opposing needs of two or more others. However, such conflicts feel and sound very different in typical stepfamilies. Instead of "You want 'x' and our child wants 'y'," it's "You want (or your child wants) 'x' and my child wants 'y'." Or "You want 'x', and my ex-mate wants 'y'." Usually "x" and "y" are about child visitations, money, or par-enting-values and/or priorities.

        Loyalty conflicts in and between stepfamily homes occur often in an average week, for years. So can associated relationship triangles. These may decrease with time, if co-parents are consistently unified on identifying and managing them cooperatively.

[ Myths 17 & 18 ]  Longing to build an (ideal) new (bio)family, typical stepfamily mates and their relatives commonly expect their family members to eventually exchange the equivalent of biofamily love. This can happen, over time - especially if (a) stepchildren are very young, (b) adults are minimally wounded, and (c) prior divorces were amicable and well-healed. It also may never happen. Adults can unintentionally stress  their kids and each other by expecting them to love their stepkin. Like respect, trust, and friendship, love must  be earned, not demanded

        Even if a stepchild does feels warmly toward their stepparent, their (wounded, insecure) bioparent/s  may resent and/or fear such affection. That biomom or dad may openly or subtly criticize, manipulate, or discourage their genetic child/ren from feeling or openly expressing that warmth. This puts their kids in a major loyalty conflict, which they usually don't know how to resolve.

       A painful reality is that some adults or stepsibs can't find a way to like a particular stepchild (or vice versa), let alone love them. Despite hope, effort, and prayer, their "chemistry" just doesn't mesh over time. Experts advise making mutual respect the first relationship goal for stepparents, stepkids, and stepsibs. Gradually, this may ripen into friendship, affection, and - with luck - real love. If this doesn't happen, it can't be helped - no one is wrong or "bad."

[ Myth 19 ] Some stepkids steadily reject a stepparent's genuine affection and support for no apparent reason. Perversely, the nicer the stepparent is, the more hostile or indifferent the child may seem. Or a stepparent can offer caring friendship, discipline and guidance to their stepchild/ren, to find that their spouse disagrees with these or resents their "interference" with their biochild. Both result in stressful loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. They may stem from one or more of these:

• Incomplete grieving

• Denied or overt sexual tension or attraction

• Excessive guilts

• Premature or inappropriately-strict stepparent discipline;

• A bioparent's codependence on, and over-protectiveness with, their child, and/or...

• The child's normal testing of stepfamily stability and safety ("Will this family bust up too?")

       A confused (or alert) stepchild may feel "If I show appreciation to my stepparent, my 'real' (same-sex biological) parent will feel bad!" Their custodial biomom or biodad can feel "If I side with your (the steppar-ent's) discipline of my child, my child (or my ex or other kin) will resent, criticize, and reject me." If adults are unable to admit and discuss these honestly, escalating stress is very likely.

Bioparents and bio-kin usually don't expect thanks from their kids for their loving caregiving ef-forts and sacrifices. Average stepparents do expect and need spontaneous acknowledgment from their mate and their stepkids for their co-parenting efforts.

        Since typical minor stepkids didn't ask for their parents' divorce and re/marriage or have a say in se-lecting their step-kin, they may not appreciate even the kindest stepparent. This is specially likely if they and their parents and siblings haven't progressed well on grieving their web of family-adjustment losses (broken bonds). In the best case, stepparents may hear sincere "thanks!" years after their stepkids have left home.

[ Myths 20 - 21 ]  Even if all co-parents agree that a stepparent has "authority" to discipline their step-children, the kids may not agree. Unless very young, stepkids usually feel the new adult has to earn the right to tell them what to do. Also, the kids' other bioparent or key bio-relatives may not acknowledge the stepparent's authority, and/or may dislike the stepparent's disciplinary "style" (lax / harsh; consistent / inconsistent). This traps the kids and co-parents into repeated loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles, often causing the child/ren to resist and/or "get depressed."

        A common error is people feeling new stepparents should share in disciplining their stepkids right away. Ideally, the bioparent/s will do most major disciplining for months after vowing commitments and co-habiting. until the stepparent and stepkid/s have had a chance to build some mutual trust and respect. If that's not practical, the bioparent should authorize the stepparent to act for them in front of the chid/ren.  

[ Myths 22 - 24 ]  Many well-meaning stepparents and relatives - specially some idealistic and religiously-devout people - believe "New stepparents should (immediately) care about their stepchild/ren as much as their own." This is unrealistic.

        Typical stepparents and stepkin may genuinely feel equal concern for biological and step kids, after a long (e.g. five or more years) pre-re/marriage friendship or custodial stepfamily history. Otherwise, the reality to accept without guilt is: "I love my (bio)kids more (or differently) than yours so far, and that's na-tural and OK!" If a stepparent is childless, the birth of an "ours" child may activate this "mandatory fairness" myth well after exchanging commitment vows.

[ Myths 25 - 26 ] Reality: my research since 1979 suggests that after child-related disputes, financial matters are the second most conflictual surface issues among typical stepfamily adults (and adult kids). Typical issues include...

divorce settlements prenuptial agreements child support amounts, promptness, and "fairness"

wills and estate plans values: saving vs. spending allocation of income

asset and debt ownership - his, hers, and ours bill-paying style and responsibility child allowances

Disputes over each of these cause recurring loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles in and between stepfamily adults and home. None of these are the real problems.

[ Myth 27 ]  Depending on state laws, re/marriage usually doesn't endow stepparents with the legal parental rights or responsibilities of bioparents. For example: unless authorized by a legal document cal-led "In Loco Parentis" signed by both bioparents, typical stepparents can't legally demand to see their stepkids' school or medical records, and don't qualify as a legal guardian in hospitalizing a minor stepchild.

        If the most loving stepparent dies without a will, their assets will usually not go to their stepchildren. Specific rights and laws vary by state, so ask a local family-law professional what pertains in your county - ideally before exchanging commitment vows!  

[ Myth 28 ] Studies suggest that in about one of three U.S. stepfamilies, one or more minor kids will move from one bioparent's house to the other's at some time. These moves may be well-planned and harmonious, or unexpected and highly disruptive, emotionally, financially, and logistically. Many things may lead a stepchild to move in unexpectedly with their non-custodial parent and stepparent, even years after their parent's re/wedding.

        Even if well planned, such moves and custody changes often send shock waves through the sending and receiving homes' routines, finances, holidays, space allocation, and roles. So: stepfamily co-parents in each home should expect and plan for the possibility of kids' changing homes, however initially unlikely.

[ Myths 29 & 30 ]  For personal and family health, all stepfamily members need to thoroughly mourn major personal losses (broken bonds) from (a) prior divorce/s or death, and (b) stepfamily cohabiting and  merging. Previously-single, childless stepparents usually lose prized quiet, privacy, and home-control by choosing to join an absent-parent family with visiting or resident stepkids and "interfering" ex mates and kin.

       The natural human reflex to mourn broken bonds can be hindered or blocked by low-nurturance family and social environments. If a "loser" (one with losses) was taught as a child to fear, numb, or self-medicate painful emotions, s/he'll have trouble feeling and expressing the shock, confusion, rage, and sadness that major life-losses evoke.

        Our profit-seeking media emphasizes speed, excitement, sex, and pleasure - which distracts us from the healthy discomfort of grieving. This increases major personal, family, and societal stress and illness. Lesson 3 In this self-improvement course focuses on building "pro-grief" families.

Continue with page 2. Do you need a break first?

Updated November 18, 2011